Hamster wheel of hate

Squashed Bugs

It's easy to forget the things the reasons. Recall the lack of initiative but can't be blame given the circumstances. At least got most of the paper organized and tossed a bunch more out. Now to organize other aspects of the perimeter.

Was worried about not finding a group but given the count, there was bound to be one not full. Lucky me the first one asked was the one since it was 3 and there 24 in the class, the odds are that's the one short. What are the odds given what knew and deducted that the best bet was this area. Will see how this goes. But it occurred today was a total nerd but not avalible. Hairy. Totally type. Well it usually takes some time to grow on ya. Not like a few weeks be enough time for anything to grow. Plan for now is to get through accounting. 

Daily Grind

Not feeling like your getting what you put in. When things are not moving at the desired pace. Is this what should be done?  How to stay in the game. Things get tough. Need metrics for the goal. No illusion.

Have not been sleeping well. Not sure if it has been the anxieties or the bed. Don't want to blame the bed now. Not sure there would have been weekend times but maybe not since most places not open on weekend anyways. Glad went in to too else really slim pickings. Hmm maybe look at further locations to see if there are more days. Maybe dehydrated. Try drinking more.

Not sure why drippie and pants so baggy. Trying not to listen to anything beyond myself. Makes me wonder how many house should be put in and then again is it quality over quantity? Tried to use some memory techniques that hopefully will help. Maybe just work on drinking out some problems but first should work on having less and more tightly organized so don't spend time shuffling through stuff or letting anxiety build up and throw off the flow. Go through and organize first. 

Culprit

If cause me to fail this I will kill you. Work so hard to put up a front and this is what get in return? Don't deserve this. Should get better. Maybe should eat. Feeling a mess. But nothing appealing. Feeling really greedy. See what strikes. Feeling frustrated. Time to step back and reset.

Rude

How rude. Guess you learn how not to be. Recently went to read the review which swore there was not that many before were all kinda what was already thinking. So nothing really different or unique. Nothing changes. Well even got dads foot trained after enough times. But still got other training. But is that something want to lean towards? Not sure yet. Maybe a better idea in the next month. No shortage of things to work on. Am really tired or advoiding? Time to grab a soda. But like tax frog said. It's all dedication and presence of sort. Really be able to be determined to put the time on and to for go all. Once it's done it's done.

That organic pop tart was sure not good. Remind self pop tarts are just plain not tasty in general. Sometimes have an itching for a s'mores one. Else usually are not really tasty. Find ways to enjoy eating more. It's one of the few things to look forward to if it's not drinking. How to make it more tasty. 

Dread

Dread wed now more than anything. Maybe should have advised it but why all so slow? At this point should be any changes just checking and it's not done by noon? Rather not but been doing this for awhile and should be getting pretty good at this as long  as don't screw up the screens. Gotta be flexible. The phone on the other hand has a screen that glows when it feels like it and don't when it doesn't. Can always run and set up over night. Canada do t even have that many people yet still take as long. It's just annoying. It is what it is if you want to be slow.

Let's not worry about things one has not control over or not want to control and at the meantime work on other things you know that are creeping up on ya to be done. Feel like if I just spent 3 days on studying and the other one day on class material, is that enough time? 

Heatwave

Oh gawd why this stinking hot building why this one. So rather be cold than how so disgustingly hot and not even wearing under layer today except for pants. But it's just ridiculous.

Think the more time spent away suddenly imaginary buddy shows up some reason. Maybe it's that time of the month and from being tired just don't have the energy to get a handle on it. Gotten a little more outside f hand than the usual. But reality sets in and it's really never as things seems and never as how it's played out in your mind. What's there will stay there. So what now? Now sure how everyone else does it. Assumptions creep in and biases and then falling into old habits. Trying not to stay in the same place dong the same things. Waiting for the same things. Holding on to the same things. F this. It will play out on its own. Not like getting a group together means things would get started sooner. It all gets done one way or another. It'll work it self out without any concerns. This heat on the other hand. It should be fall now. The frek. Let's not get too comfortable. 

Bouncing

It was okay and dare even say better for a few weeks. It could be the darn frogs or just the demos so blabbery. And then the wandering. Tempted to dig but really should not. Not like it did any good last time.

For awhile was thinking maybe this was something that can work out but now the donuts creep in and don't feel like really recalling anything. Just tricking myself into thinking or goIng through the motions of it. Can't help but think of the comment that someone read it all on a single plane ride while took 3 days. The last few chaps didn't even really focus on and skimes through it. Really how much should really recall or pass ever? Still. It sure of the answer beyond have to get through it faster. Okay soon reeeadinn the comment it was actually 15 chaps but think the beginning of the book was better than the last 5. Feel like the effort at that point had drifted off and it was more getting to the point more to wrap it up. 

Cryptic log files

Frogs at the Beach again

Try to get away but there it is again. Eyes are really tired or burning from something. Well at least just play it out and to no where it goes. It's nice yet damaging. Without it seems so pointless yet with it painful as the moments flees. In trying to capture it, dwindled away what was once was. How to capture the moment? Can only accept that it's like a flame. Nice at a distance and burns as you get too close. As much as would like to hold and keep the flame. So nice so useful. It's not meant to be held. Best admired from a distance. 

Love Yourself

Jimin is just great. Been waiting for their new songs for awhile. Not sure if was going to like this song as it was a ballad. Didn't even start on any of the class items for the semester.  It really is going to be hell on wheels for the rest of the year. Hopefully tomorrow will be fairly slow that can get a few things prepped for class. Not sure how will get any of the side studying done. Only got a month to churn it all out. Swore it was 3pm just a moment ago.

Really with all the clutter really can't have nice things or get anything. Not really interested in experiences though it seems to be the things gotta share with others to be more interesting. Really not interested in experiences anything at the moment to share with anyone. No one else seems interested in eating anything so why wait for anyone else feels like doing something before am allowed to do anything. Part of is just waiting for school to start so can avoid it all. Really can't hang around in st. paul but can linger around msp. Less focus on others things and more on your own. Can't expect anything from others if can't expect it yourself. Doesn't matter who saids what. Gotta have some grit. Things can disappear. Don't need permission. Your opinion doesn't matter. Free yourself from yourself.

Still struggling with the why long for something can not have, yet to have grit and to pursue what it is that is desired and to not be detoured. To not desire what can not be obtained or to stick to what is determined to have? At what point is there is one to stop or go another direction? Stick to it regardless? doesn't mean it can't be put down for awhile to pursue other activities. That darn tree frog was like a sign. Didn't really think would see one. Think had imagined it at one time or another. But didn't think would encounter one. Really can't recall the last time ran into one.

Stuck

starting to feel overwhelmed with all of it. Not enough time and running out of time. So tired today. A few moment of dejavu in the morning running things. Don't think stayed up too late. Sure worried about something's but worry or not, time still passes at the same pace so why worry? It's happening reguaesless. That's the only thing can think of that's different. Thinkn got 7hrs of sleep. Not sure if less from the blabbering in the morning. Really gotta close that door in case. It will be over soon enough.

F that. Maybe that's how it is when you don't make buddy buddy with em? I mean even misuse is like all chummy with formers even let alone current. What am I not doing or doing wrong! Not helpful enough? Not fun enough? Not sure. So today there was a butt load of leftovers. It's not the best tasting because if it was it would have been gone already but it's mainly still there. Did miss out? But if would have left sooner or even when was leaving maybe. It wouldn't leave. It's like a sign to not grab anything even if wanted to. Not that it was that tasty but hey it's free. Hate to let it go to waste. Oh well. If it was better tasting, think would have found a way to grab it. 

Final Days

Recall the first week of the month and thinking be at the end in no time. And here we are. Been slightly sluggish and down over moments if missed or what could have been. But not to dwell on those things. Can only see what can go from here. What is the next thing. Next place to be. Worry it's not where should be or can be. As long you going somewhere. See where land in a week.

Tried eating in the morning. Not sure if it helps or hurts. Feel like once start eating feeling more hungry. Like once it's started you want more. Still trying to purge. Working on ridding items that don't bring joy or desire. Don't settle for mediocrity. Purged some bathroom items. Sure there is more work under the sink but wanted to focus on able for now. Start putting more of it on during the evening. It all runs out eventually. Making it last longer only delays the invetable end of it. Why hold on to it? What is it that you hold on it? Is the end so bad? He first feeling can recall are ending of movies. Didn't like that they are so short. Just want a good story to go one and on. Think that's why tv series perfered? More if it to chew on and more story lines. If it doesn't end, how to move on to discover new stories? Things ending and running out is not a bad thing. It all ends. What not end it well? It's something one can not advoid. What is to come of all the stuff when you are gone. Might as well deal with it yourself and control it and live more free.

Make them disappear!

The Purge

The freedom to toss things. Quite liberating. Gawd gotta be in early tomorrow. Oh well guess should go of it was sent to you else would not be sent to ya. Still even after a year like the roster saids, I'm not sure what is it that you do. I'm not sure myself after all this time. So what now? Things don't taste better the longer it sits. As much I want to try new things, am hessatent as there so much old things. Don't worry about others things when you got your own things to purge. Nothing is meant to last. Really nothing. It all ends sooner or later. Just make things disappear. Why spens time thinking and stressing over  what to do with it? Like the cream cheese, enjoying any of it? I think not at all. Was able to get rid of something me things due to it but it could have gone a long time ago. Not sure how long the quote will last but need to really use the time to read what you can. Doesn't have to be a lot but just enough to have done something. Screen is really odd, gets darker and lighter on its own.

Again the last 2 days was a little rough. Not sure if need more or less focus. Maybe focused on the wrong thing. Either way, got what wanted out of tf and that's all for now. Back to focusing on reading and training for rotc? Not sure what it stands for but you get the idea. Pain is on the way. Else been more agitated with self. Like a pineapple to buy but no one eating any of the fruit. So what now? Really time to scale back on the purchases and use up and toss what is there. Try, use to see if it's still any good else yay toss it. Reguaesless if the creams are still good or not, if the small is bad then it has to go. Quite simple. No one will miss it. 

Reputation

Does the count start over today? Sure know how to ruin me. Was doing well up through last week and was ok for most of this week and then little things like repeating things that has already been said again. Either someone has a worse memory than me or it's something that's told to everyone and losing track who already know so just bring it up again. More common knowledge than expected or just don't have a filter. Didn't even ask for it and still me other things came out. There's always a chance to get out as long as you don't pick up back up. But pretty much got all that I wanted answered. Almost like leading the convo to the info you want to find out. There's a goal to all convo. Gotta get what you want out of it.

Head has been hurting. Not sure why. Dehydrated? Drank a bit of water and didn't seem to help. Really didn't drink much today at all. Gotta make an effort to get more fluids in like a tea a day. Can not be deterred by anyone may run into.

Can we still be friends, can we be friends even if it ends. Justin Biebers new song. And over played Shawn Mendez and Charlie Puth, not sure which is worse. Running low on cashe, may have to dig out ladybug. See what else can be tossed in the morning. 

Obsessed Salvation

There maybe some bumps in the road or not a clear path, just re-adjust along the way. Who knows where it may lead, hopefully to a better or pleasant place yet one never knows. Still feeling torn about eaten my what and where. There seems to be so much clutter. Hard to let things go when don't have a plan for them. Either let them go or have a plan to commit to using them up. Consistency to use them up. The alternative is to toss anyways. Using them is not wasting them. Don't wait until you need it. Use it for the sake of using and committing to using it up. The reason you hit the book hard now really is because this is the only time before the days are eaten up by homework and 4 hours of class. There will be little time to work on anything else. The heavy lifting needs to be done by the end of the month. Have less than a week left at this point. Hopefully the slowness will last during the day to to finish this. Gawd. 

Charmingly Disheveled

That's a oldie but a goodie. Not sure where else heard it from.

Frustration

Halfway is not the time to quit following your heart when it leads you through hell. Hold fast and follow through.The mind wanders what could be when it really can not be and is impatient and anxious and wanting things to be done like right now. Need to step back and see things for what they are vs longing for something that can never be. Focus back on yourself and being attractive. If there was to be any unrequited, it will be coming from me not the other way around. To be the desired one and not do any chasing. To be desirable.

So many things to clear out and to decluttered. Somehow ran into a clip of this on reddit. Rather catchy. It doesn't help my obsession for the East. The frek, why the volume has to be turned up so freking laud. Think I gotta go do things on my own vs waiting for someone to suggest it. To not be so anal about things and to just do a few things because you set your mind to have it happen.

Peanut butter

didn't realize people like peanut butter that much that it's always running out or people really like free peanut butter. There's a reason dogs like it too. Been feels no lost a bit maybe due to not feeling like belonging or being very useful. Like hussy saids you got to have something else going for ya outside of you job because you can lose it and will lose who you are without it. It makes you more interesting anyways. Just ask questions because you want to know. Don't worry what others will think or perceive. Feel better after walk. Been like a month since the last one. Wasn't sure if there were any. Looking around at positions this week gains sense of excitement and discouragement. How can belong to it? Is it really what you really want or think you want. Not sure yet and nothing is in stone anyways. Go do what you feel like for now.  Won't know if you like it or not until you try it. 

Darius

There wasn't really anything about the character but has a neat name. Salvation is my new muse. How long this one will last before it gets canceled. So much eye candy. But not so much that it's distracting. What would I do if it were possible? 

Ingratiate

Amount of pain am I willing to endure? Oh gawd again it didn't save! Freaking hell. Was listening to another podcast on thinking if something was possible, what would you have to do to get there. Also on skill stacking. Though may appear to be unrelated, unconscious mind has a was of connecting it all. States it's hard to be at the top of any particular skill but being 70th is  achievable. Being the best combination skilled is more different. Reminded me of some side hustles. Oh and how the unfocused mind was better because it was not stiff and was more agile and adapt to changes. Not that focus is bad, but too much of it makes you not flexible and hard to adjust to changes. To relax and see where the unconscious mind takes you.

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So after fixing the previous days, reminded of Semi Charmed Life by Third eye blind since it appears they are still playing. I spend much time still thinking how I got nothing done by not doing anything. Think it's best at the moment to focus on what I'm paid to do and then the rest of it working on reading starting at 5 even if I have to leave and hike over to the library. Returning late should not be an issue since it wasn't before like when there was class, no different now.
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Just had the worse donut ever because it was under backed and the dough around the apple filling was raw. Eww...  

Sourcing

Been really trying no to focus on developing myself and less on the random things that pop up and then start to worry about how to figure it out. So far the things that have developed has resolved itself in one way or another without any lifting on my part. As start to really dig into the book it starts out as not so bad and then looking at other material it becomes overwhelming. Don't worry what you think others maybe thinking. It's more you thinking more than anything. Where you will go or will be. For all we know we maybe all out sourced in the next month and won't be needing my any of this no more. Thought they were to decide on September or was it October. Not much to do until they decide the path of where we maybe. Focus on developing yourself piece by piece. 

Side hustle

Been thinking about my use of time and then pops the podcast on a second career where you don't have to choose one and to be only good at one. There are some skills and aspect of it that's transferable. What the choose to spend your time on. Spend lots of time thinking about it but not enough time doing anything about it. 

Arsenie

Didn't know could be so adorable. I'll take that. Feeling like hair too heavy on the top now. It'll grow out. That's what happens when try to thin it out not like t isn't thin enough. Been kinda cold and rainy this week and last even. The change in seasons and as year end approaches again.

Been one year here in this pond. Still not feeling any more useful than the first day here. More reason to gear up to move on to something else if wallowing in a shrinking pond. Rather not wait. Sometimes jump the gun but the anxieties that come with waiting is slightly killing me. What else to go through a purge. Gotta be mobile. Use more space as needed.

Not sure to respond. Timing of response. How quickly or slow to react. Don't want to be too excited nor show too little interest. Be dependable yet not be too dependable to be taken for granted. The constant balancing act and game playing.

Find out what's wrong car and purge a food item. Feed crabie. 

Neuroticism

August 9, 2017

This isn't the moment to adhere to one particular philosophy, whatever it may be, mel. You may feel frustrated by your inability to figure out which path to take, but ultimately this is very good for you. Continue to search around with your little flashlight, as weak as it may seem to you, because this is how you are going to get solid faith back again! Best of all, it will be a faith tailored just for you!

Sure hope so. When to admit defeat. Wanting to take the easier road and not the one less traveled. As was looking around for what's out there and what they looking for, makes doubt accounting. Seems so far from the path of IT management. Maybe it's more of a boys club and for developers. Not sure still looking. See what can be found with little flash light. For now work on what will maximize value at the moment and from what can be seen from here. Who knows where this leads or how long be on this path. Maybe compliance will pop back up eventually.

Moments of flutter but fades quickly as the realization of the poor unfortunate souls. It seems all too silly to the point that's it's laughable and dramatic.

Arrival was saying neurotic people lived longer becuae the worry something maybe wrong with them and so they see the doctor sooner and more often. Not really the exciting news was hopping for but something else recently realized how unexpected people are really brains like comedians are unexpected or they ore like don't fit the traditional sense of geniuses. Expect them to act and choose professions that would match their mental capacity. To dress and look and act a certain way. Maybe it's just what mogles thinks it should look like. 

Encrepe

Still can't seem to bring myself to do it though it has not been that bad but just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Was worried about the old Sammie in the fridge but it appears that someone has taken care of itt. See how some things will take care of themselves. So much to do just got to start looking and doto g little by little. Hopefully it'll get to a point where it isn't a big deal. Goodness all these high caliber folks. All gotta start somewhere. So many distractions. 

Napoleon

Not sure which day this is at this point, maybe about 2 weeks. Was doing fairly well until this weekend when there was a few moments, but at the same time the realization that there isn't really anything there. Like the podcast said, you would know, it be clear. It's all very surface level and hoping for something better to fill the void. Maybe more trying to avoid the conversation knowing where it would lead. At what point do you accept things as they are and what point you have to try and work on things vs leaving things alone. hmm... It would likely vary from situation from situation. Can't make a blanket statement or assumption.


Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now. Didn't even drink anything today. Doesn't seem to have the time or space for things. Even getting away doesn't seem to help. Tend to end up doing research and getting excited and then over my head and feeling how far are from anything meaningful. Suppose if was working at something else would not have this time on your own. Don't feel like or have the energy to go through a long lengthy paragraph of how and what.

Snakes and fire rings and pits

August 2, 2017

You'll be able to keep that flood of emotion under control today. The Emperor is giving you the determination to turn your personal plans into reality and lay down lasting foundations for your relationships, whereas the Moon is developing your sensitivity and imagination. In your efforts to charm, you don't hesitate to show how original you can be, dear Mel. But underneath that eccentric exterior, people can tell there beats an honest heart that's looking for a stable relationship.  Professionally speaking, you’re not feeling too confident of yourself today, as the Lovers plant a seed of doubt into everything you undertake. Thankfully the Emperor, who sets the general ambiance, radiates an air of stability and reassurance. You therefore don’t need to worry, because with his benevolent influence, you can build your day on very solid foundations. Just forget about your anxieties and get on with things!

Formatting wires but really shouldn't put this off anymore. Just have things need to hunker down on. The block party last night was not too bad though don't like the idea of going to see what can get out of it when learning the ones not networked are going out to see what they can do for you. What they have to offer to others. 

Else not going to ponder about yesterday as spent enough time on it already. 

Was going to be more determined about reading but dang it again left it at home. Blame it on the heavy book. There's only so much that can tested and it's the luck of the draw. 

Oh speaking of book gotta drop off book. Think it's the auto correct that is screwing up or trying to figure out what I'm writing but I sapoae at this point should know what I'm writing without having to look too hard. Keeping eyes on the screen more to make sure this makes some reasonable sense.  Just trying to stay out of trouble at this point and taking this time to get own stuff done. 

Hmm

One year and day 2. Collecting on the goodwill or maybe it was just a matter of convient because it was easy to remember. Feel like I'm missing out or could be missing out like the ad on Facebook for pizza today. Only came across it once and if had not seen it then would have missed it. Won't be able to catch everything in this world. But what was odd today was pigeon toes pooing up suddenly. Could have been triggered by the house warming party assuming. Is up to something. Not sure what it is but something must have triggered it. Don't want to be just nice. Don't want to be thought of as nice. Like hussey saids better to be respected.

Not sure why the sudden issue. Ring brought up by pegion. Part wants to address but don't want to be distracted and want to focus on own things for now. 

Weary

July. 31, 2017

Today you’re going to be rather unsure about your choices and decisions in matters of the heart, dear mel… The Magician brings a breath of fresh air, either in the shape of an unforeseen encounter or another event that opens new perspectives for you. Seize this opportunity in order to banish any feelings of uncertainty that are a source of anxiety for you. There is no good reason why you should torment yourself with all these questions! 

Not sure why the drafts are not saving. Can only guess that it maybe has no title or connection is sketchy. Eating more today but feeling bloaty. Crackers were not bad but also not very good. Should have stuck with just 2. Today is pretty calm as well. Moments of slight pamtic over issues but got it together and hopeful it doesn't come back again. Else there is a longing for purpose and just waiting for something to happen or to be easy when it's the right time or the feeling of wanting to do something. It never seems to ever arrive. Things getting old and moldy. Not like it tastes better. Got to find a way to toss a few things but it get harder as more are around more often. Doesn't mean it does still need to happen. What you saving it for?


Week 2, Day 1 of the calm. Just feels no tired of the worrying. I don't see myself doing this and see myself bombing this. How long can this be advoided? Been getting mixed signals but best best is that it's going to be hard and your are not good with multiple choice anyways. That's basically what butchered you on the ethics exam was the trick questions. Else the essays were not that bad maybe if you spent more time on. Only has been one day and there's so much buildup on scalp. There's so much I don't think I can keep it in my head. Just keep going over it. It has to stick. Don't want to be here forever. Big chick's comment makes me worried of what she thinks I do. TG is a little too helpful. Be so screwed beyond screwed without. Like you said, not sure if worth being around without.

Really the only one if the way is yourself. Could have been having fun all these weekends but don't due to the things think need to do but don't do. You are the only one holding yourself back. Think and  vomit to doing. Wi ever get to the point that has gone through the foods at home or will there always be something expiring or going bad? The cheese wiz was sure not as tasty as I recalled it was. Only buy things to accompany things to be eaten. Drink the tea been saving. Not like be around much longer to drink it. Drag the books around with you. Peek through it when you can and skim or slip steams not sure of. Can't test ya on everything. 

Guess it's end of day 4 of the calm, but should it not be 5?

Firepit

Day 2 of the calm. Don't let them push you around. Have to get into big chicks head and not let the frog push you around. It's your own tail gotta look after. There is a reason that big chick is 2x the frog. Think this is second time this has happened. Know anal  big chick better to advoid getting chewed up.

there an urge to get things just because it's cheap but again nicer fewer things perfected. No need to be anal on my own things only to the things others will see like for big chick. Don't think put in as much effort over summer courses as would usually but think not having a textbook made it harder and having vague power points didn't not help. Hopefully it be enough to get by. Not like really did learn anything, it's more about knowing some people. On to the next project beyond baking, detailing car and cpp as rest of summer goals. Not much time left so better get started. 

Restart

Yesterday was consumed in panic over paper among other disappointments. Today the calm is back. There were slight moments of anticipation but was quickly dismissed. Didn't even get that much sleep today. It's about 6 hours maybe if even but was mentally there. Did not fold under the pressure of surcome to weakness. Stil expect a faster response or turnaround on a few of these things.

Day 1 of calm. Thoughts of stupidity and even yesterday just what did really see. Rose colored lens either fell or broke. Truely is old beyond your years but what really was a turn off the lack of enthusiasm for the project. Should not be nerding out? It was as if it was out of your control and it will be whatever it will be. Don't even give a rats arse. Suddenly become less interesting. How to keep self interesting. Gotta be interested in one self before others find you interesting. Hopefully the calm and focus will last longer. More productive this way and no one will care or focus on yourself beyond yourself. 

Frick

You may feel like you are ready for your lifetime achievement award because of all the work you have done lately, Mel. Unfortunately, you still have a ways to go. The bottom line is that in the whole scheme of things, even though you may be moving fast, there are people who are moving faster, making it look as if you are barely moving at all. Instead of whining about it, pick up your pace.

So light them up up up I'm on fire

Hopefully they stick around for awhile. Wonder what will happen with the rest of linkin park. When reality hits, it hits hard. When you think you spent a lot of time on something only to not spend enough time. Could have been doing something else vs worring about it not being done. Could have spent 2 days doing something else that wanted to do. It's about deciding to do something and the execution and follow through on the plan that needs work. If it doesn't work, can rework plan or spend more time if need be. 

Irrational Unreasonable Moments

Irrational slightly unreasonable, responsibility irrational.
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So something Hussey said that really was on point about the desire. It's the mystery. The space between. It makes sense because you don't really know and there's so much to know. It's the lack of predictability. To know someone a little less because they are developing. A side of someone you don't know.  The unknown. Desiring the unknown, to know that sparks attraction. Once you figured it out, it gets boring.
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Keep playing these games in the head and having a hard time temporary getting it out of my head. Many other things wondered by and makes you think of how life is so fleeting. tried reaching out to arse, and for a moment it would play out like a movie. It all plays out like a movie in my mind, but in the end there is only utter disappointment. It's always the expectations.  Fear of the unknown future. Always playing it safe. Then the fleeting life aspect comes in and prompts you to do something. To drop hints maybe. But maybe you should just accept what it is. That there is nothing to do about anything. Playing these games with myself. Goes back to to talk about being a well rounded interesting attractive person. Have to be okay on your own. Cant depend on anyone. Will no depend on anyone. Have to do what I have to do to get through this as there is another paper to write tomorrow. Will not let this bring me down. I will resent you for this.

Persevere: Kill them with Kindness
Back to Gomez. The hamster is running around on it's wheel again. More like it got lose and is running around in its ball and leaving turds everywhere. Ran into this song on the radio a week or so back. A sign to find a new obsession? Again I spent enough time on this the last 4 days that had enough of this. Also had enough typing. So close to finishing paper that can taste it. Still got 3 pages of final to go tonight and then some finishing touches on the last paragraph and it be done. Still got some wiggle room on the final paper. Usually would be okay in the quietness but have lost control and can not be left on your own devices. Be kind if you want to. Ask questions if you want to. But don't expect anything in return or anything at all. If there was a time you expected, then it's not coming from the right place.

Relentless Obsession

What emotion takes you to the next level. It comes from the dark side. Talking trash to get into your own head. Everyday do something you don't want to do. Put yourself into that pressure situation. Eat the frog. Increase threshold to high pressure situations.
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Arg

Upset beyond mad that I left the most updated copy at home and somehow I tagged the wrong freaking form. Screw zip files and so many freaking icons on the desktop. Going to stash them away because there's freaking too many of them and can't seem to keep them straight. How long has it been sitting there?  Do something with it. Toss it or hide it as long as its not in the way. When it's getting in the way then we got a problem. Frek. Will have to see how can get around it. Things don't always go the way you want it to or expect.


Sapose ear buds with the radio works best at the library. Didn't work at home, but had yourtube running among other things running around. 4 hours at a time is enough, it's what you get in on a normal workday.

Flakey Competent Confident

Consequence for being Flakey: show interest, but will not wait.
If you stay ready, you will never need to get ready. 
Stand there be cool be James Bond
Desire = as attractive as you are, Standard = not my style, don't move that fast,  Inspire = ask me out again, would love to see you again
Competence = understanding that there are patterns in relations, well duh
Confidence:

• Surface lvl = what people see, how you move and inflect your voice.

• Life Style lvl = things that give you confidence, your job, car, hobbies, skills, house, things you can go back to at the end of the day. What else makes you feel worth while. Work on other parts of your life. Don't be boring. Got 4 good hours of work in a day, other ten was pretending. Accept how pathetic you are. Hobbies make well rounded people, well rounded people are attractive. They will keep you interesting. Combinations of qualities will keep them addicted to you.

• The Call confidence= part of confidence is what you are left with at the end of the day. I am iron man. I didn't lose the tv show, the tv show lost me. Sees the value in staying.

Don't worry about imaginary problems. Deal with the problems we have. Be okay with being on your own.

If you are scaring away sardines, go date tuna.

Overall from this podcast what I got out of it is to be more honest by telling people what you want but sugar coat it a little to not be too blunt or mean.

-----------------------
Can't believe Chester is gone right when I was getting back into their music. The thought of that being their last album. The thought that his music still lives on though he is gone way too soon. This day has been a dreary one. Keep coming up with reasons for not being able to get something done. Think have gotten use to writing this on the phone vs typing now days. From scope, there is something I want to study, but it's not something would have access to study. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

Been obsessing over a few things today. First was digging through OST for ten miles of cherry blossoms and then it was the A4. It was actually the other way around and then the news of Chester hit. Wasn't sure what I can or wanted to do anymore. Was all consuming. I'm not sure which is worse.

Boring

Going to miss the class groupie. It seems like no matter what effort is put into the papers end up with the same results. Am I not paying enough attention? It's not what I think is important, it figuring out they think is important.

So today is only midweek but it seems like a Friday already. Need to have something I want to do. Something to look forward to. Today was the first time in awhile I'm finding TF rather dull beyond the one or two word as expected responses. Was not really feeling it today anyways. How to get more of the grind done? Eyes are starting to bother me again. How one goes off to eat queso on your own? Well I'm assuming it's on your own. What about tomorrow? Where to venture off to? But I don't feel like rushing. Got a few days to work through it. Got things I want to do but not sure if I really want them, or think I want them, or should want them, or want them because others want them.

So funny thing today or it started yesterday or even goes as far back from earlier this semester that greek fella drives an audi and then saw the white audi a few weeks ago and was hooked. Not sure what model it was as they all start with A something. But I found myself looking at them and now they keep creeping up in various places. Well at least for now until I get tired of it I have something to loo forward to.

Can't Even

What if all I do just pushes into another. Gawd. Great job self. You think you are doing yourself Amy favors. Anywho. Think I'm mentally done for the day. Just so tired of everything. Feeling too unorganized that I don't even want to go through anything. The more I go through it, the more issues I find. Just tried right now and need to reset. It's like should I not stay up anymore if I can help it? Spending too much time preparing for the incorrect things. Pants so baggie. I don't know if i belong here or if I would still want to be here without. I'm thinking I may not. It was easy before and now it's hard and not fun. Maybe it's time to start looking for a way out. Eyeballs tired, too many ch screen time recently. Is it bad to be too enthusiastic? Just great file for some explanation or maybe it should have been really simple and just made it more complicated. In a tizzy right now. Don't need to care what the shellfish opinion. It's has been a year and need to try to go it on my own. Need to find a way.   Without you as your holding me back. Place your opinion to high while risking myself getting creamed by big chick. Don't even feel like going back. Maybe it's the heat speaking. Feels no numb. It's just all too silly.

Not sure what happened but I lost my draft. All is left is pain and suffering and the torment I put myself through. For a week is was actually getting better. I was getting better and then I had expectations and that's when it all falls apart. I would never know if I did not try. Though it's not what you want. Now you know. So bitter and resentful. I see how it is with redchick. I see you for what you are. It's time like these I don't dare have any expectations beyond the ones for myself. No one else will look out for you besides you. No one will be kind to you beyond yourself. The gang at class is so fun. Where to find friends like those. It's like they want to talk to me and answer my questions unlike so others. Maybe I can sweat you out and get a heat stroke in the car or something. It's suffocating here. Finally how I feel on the inside matches the outside. It's quite harsh. No one will miss you when you are gone.

I need to forget you. Put me out of my misery. Get the poison and toxin out. Maybe I should make nice with the prof. Have to confess I can't keep doing this. Sweaty mess at this point. Catch a hint and back off. It will not be repaid.

A sudden breeze. Is it a sign? Sign of release? When a door closes a window is opened. Take the step and save yourself for your own misery. There will be no company for your misery. 

Addiction

Though I can't say most of what the guru has to say is really relatable to me but I can admit he has some points on a few things like my addiction. To even describe it as an addiction is quite accurate actually. Was doing well one week and then fall off the horse. There was even a good reason for it last week. It was all more made up more than anything. It makes it all the more painful. Was more made than anything else. Was hopping for more than I can ever receive. Rather disappointed and even angry and irked. Teaches me to ever do anything now be again for anyone. That showed me. I ask myself was there another option. What else could I have done with them? I think I still would have reguardless. Who else would there be? Setting myself for disappointment. Can't even make a friend. How I always get into this bind time after time again. I'm starting to get angry at myself and the muse. The stupid stories that are going through my head. Time to create a new story. Not sure where I'm going or how I'll get there but as long as I go somewhere is all that matters. I really didn't expect it to be that cold. Was green with envy when suddenly just out of no where to joke around out of your way and even to leave notes. Good gawd the envious green was raging. So what about the ice cream. It's not special. Not like red chick would eat it anyways. Suddenly red chick is more fun when muse is around. Just give me a freaking break. Just so raging now at myself more than anything. Worse of all it's self inflicted damage. Three more sections left for the paper. Not sure what it means on industry and resources not company. Maybe ask someone. Only got a week left. It has been months and have not made any progress since the first week. Gawd damn it. The indifference and just plain coldness. If there's not going to be any meaningful convo then eff off. I can only hope that I don't get sucked back in. Pray for the strength to get through this. The anger, the cold, the resentment. And yes I did expect a little more gratitude. But if that's how it's going to be then eff you. I want my return in investment and if it's not going to pay off then time for a new investment. Minimal maintenance as needed for now. I'm done with it. Enough of this. I got other activities that may have some actual return vs realizing you are just like any other. No different nothing special. Feeling overwhelmed sadness suddenly where I'm filled with tears feeling sorry for myself after spewing this all out. How pathetic. How stupid. How dare you spend your time on this even. Still want a good relation but it still maybe the same with or without your efforts. But it was a lot of effort. See if you would get it again. You're like that with everyone. Realize that sooner than later. Growing numb and resentful. Not a happy camper here. Please give me a break. I don't think I can do this anymore. It's just so sad. So sad. So really sad. How long will this last? Can't do this anymore. Slight joy with lots of anxiety. It's not different special or unique. It's like that with everyone. 

Rough

This week overall has been rough especially on wed when the off cycles broke. As much as I may hear to take it easy during the summer and as much as I want to believe it, I can not. Always have to be on guard. Can not let anything slip by as you never know what will be checked. Can not be so lose on anything you do or review especially on anything requested. Must do things for myself. Like last night was thinking should I share. Part of me thought that was the right thing to do. But part of me thought hey I deserve it. At the same time again slight bitter disappointment when rather watch biking. Oh well, old folk activities.

This week has really been unproductive. Part of it is the hesitation to ask or to push. The pathetic longing.

Prep explanation for refresh
Retire mapping gl error
Can b&c stub
Short one uat for accounting mapping 1133
Test Delores time file
Refund form
60s issue

Have a few things reguarsless if I am missing anything or not to chew on

Discern

There's this terrible part of me that's like waiting for something to happen. There was a time that didn't give a rats but it's kinda like the more you think you know old habits kick in. To discern more and to focus more on what I want and what needs to happen for me to be more important. Think the only way is to push through the pain and focus on something that has a better chance of better results bs rose color lenses. Think last week was better as was more preoccupied. Doom is near. 

Slow Achiever

Really no sense in saving something for the idea time if it ever arrives. Can't be bothered by what others are or or not doing. Think overall have to be more interesting. Like said so many things happen and you need to carve out the pieces that are interesting even if you gotta play it up so you have something interesting to say.

Maybe too much Hussey videos and not enough focus. Didn't touch anything remotely that was school related today. Oddly enough the radio for the time I was listening to it was playing all my favs.    I feel mayself getting anxious and impatient. I just want to get things done and over with while putting off other items. There really isn't anything there and the whole move slowly to see others solutions or alternatives pop up to step back to see where all the pieces lie holds true for this situation. I'm my mind I want to impulsively take action but it reminds me of the videos of being too much in your head and planning out things too much. Maybe everyone has one. No need to say anything until they are in your hands. God forbid they know of it. Knowing will only be utter disappointment. But seriously, like you winning anything means something is up that it's a mass lottery that everyone won. Too bad you were no different.

It's funny when I thought I had quit you. Well not really just under control when the first thought my mind wondered to. Of course it is not anything like in my head but it don't mean I can't still plan it or let it play out for fun. Always disappointed at the end of the day when I'm left with nothing. I am struck by how much fun the summer group is. I want to know more. Why is it not all groups are like that. Is it being by familiar faces or accounting people just lame in that kind of way. I'm still not sure what they all do. I should find out.

It really is all my fav songs. Please have mercy on me. Please don't put yourself through this anymore. The heat is killing me. I just need to get away. What can I toss? Cleared out some food today.

-Check on crabbie
-stalking
-toss something

Deception

Had some minor bumps this weekend mostly on Saturday when watching external love for a bit and found myself wandering. But it's doesn't have the pull like it did before. On Sunday night got a little too couious but it didn't do anything didn't help or hinder. There is so much you don't know. Interesting but not like it mattered. You only know what you know. Overall mostly calm and was able to shift the focus realativly easily. The longing is not as strong. It's more curiosity level at this point.

These eat buds are sure not good at all. There sure has been progress when it comes to eat buds. I'm never t sure if I should put some things off or try to work on them now. I think I should do them now as the impending doom is arriving sooner than later. More focus on organizing and cleaning. If I learned anything, really don't get much done there. Was able to get a few things looked at, it's better than nothing. Most of the progress really was done away when I can hunker down. can't work on this in the evening really. Don't have the alone time to do so. Not sure if getting your own place the answer. At the moment have to do what you have to do.

Is it a bad sign that the activity tracker stopped working? Focus on the tasks at hand. Be one with the activity of the moment. Don't let it scare you. Like so far the company paper isn't as bad  as you thought. You learned so much about the company and plowed through that annual report at a day care. You didn't think you would be able to get anything done or focus but you did. I'm reminded of the arrival of working at the new you're times and how they sit in an open space with noise everywhere and yet they are able to get stuff done. It's due to that they are able to focus on their own task.

Utterly disappointed with how I was not as prepared for the exam. It could have been so easy and there happened to be so many questions on the same topic on the stages. I really can't let that happen again. The prefer chick seems really bright. Not like I didn't get enough sleep, more like not enough energy. Tried to work out a bit even. Maybe I should just eat in the morning. I can't seem to bring myself to eat in the afternoon. Not like there is anything I want to eat. Think I need to plan this all out better. This is gonna my to be a rough week. The heat, the smell, the tiresome. Some of it could be due to the bleeding but I am overall feeling numbed amd cluttered. Starting to get worried again. Looking at the time makes me even more worried. What am I holding back for. What am I waiting for? What am I saving it for? 

Scrum Master

It sounds odd yet interesting at the same time. Not sure what to make out of it. Anyways quite a few questions today but maybe it's just to pass the time. Not sure if I have the right answer but will have to be more mindful and not come off as complaining or negative. Else it has been day 4 of another calm day. No flutters or rose lenses except maybe a few with the drive in of random trivia setting. So random.

The mood booster song list is rather odd and hippie like. 

Disillusioned

Today is basically day 3 of the calm. Last night I would not call it a slip up but some axanties from just the paper more than anything else rocked the boat. Overall feeling ok today. More clam still than the past weeks. Thoughts of all the things I still have yet to do worries me but I'm trying to just intently just focus on the moment and whand to do not and not worry about the weeks ahead. Like Monday, it will work itself out, doeamt need me to worry about it. I'm. I'm not sure if it's due to dropping the rose colored lens that it all doesn't seem to interning anymore that it has all played out or that the lens has changed ? It's not exciting anymore where it would be something I looked forward to but just getting cramps done. Rather indifferent at this point. Pants are still nice but it's not the same.  It also could be those videos on traction and realizing it's not there.

Let's see what I can work on today. Hopefully be as or more productive. To get a section completed but maybe better to look at some samples, not like would k ow what the true intentions are more would they let outsiders know anyways. Today is teeth cleaning day. Hopefully no cavities. Know have not been doing  as good of a job that I could. What else can I toss? What else can I let go of.

I knew i jinxed it. Dodged the bullet lonm enough, only a matter of time that you get shot. 

Bes

Scope "Try not to get too bogged down by other people's negative attitudes and clashing opinions." 

Taro: At work, today is marked by a need to take stock of your position. The association of the Hermit and the Emperor suggests that you should take a little step back to establish your strategy for reinforcing your position and to plan better for the future. With perception and impartiality, your battle plans for your career would do credit to Napoleon. Give yourself a pat on the back!

Well someone is being a little baby today. What crawled by you arse and died. Was too much being asked? It really should be a simple update to the name seriously. Why would it be so hard to change! Try reading once awhile these. 

Been thinking about what direction I'm heading if I'm even going anywhere. I can't really what podcast it was but I feel it really helped in getting focus and another part in time and space from muse and topped with the coldness from today has sealed it in for a bit at least. The last two days been feeling more free than in the past days prior. The axanties were debilitating. The last two days my moms has been more free to focus. There has been more flow and less resistance. Was able to go from one task to another more freely and do the things I want to. I was feeling okay in the morning but as the day wears on the axanties are creeping in. 

Revenge on Life

I want to reduce screen time. I want to throw things away but I'm much too effected by others opinion. One option is to get it done in the morning. I don't want you to keep things that maybe used years later. I don't even want to keep polish to be used later. Some colors are the reflection of my inner self that even the keep to myself. Things just need to disappear. If it's not good or am excited about it, then it has to go.

I'm upset that the mole has returned in my finger. I may attempt to remove it again. See the sedition makes me just bitter and resentful of myself. I don't think it's can stay here. I may just need to spend more time in the car somewhere. I can't even deal with the clutter. I do really need to mind my own clutter. It's as like I'm frozen. Though I don't really know you and from what I have seen in public, there is a lack of filter and more couriosity. My face is in pain. It's like a dry pulsing pain.

Maybe I need to drive no more water. I'm also breadless. Already had some crackers.

7  to a bulletproof life

Have purpose.
How you interprete
Resisting and lack of trust. Less fear more faith. It will work out. Trust the process. Embrace the curveball. Be in flow.
Confront what is in your way. Self or others. Be truthful.
Expand comfort zone, challenge limiting beliefs
Choose to be enthusiastic

So I guess if you are always going to be here then I won't be here. At least the last session got me up to take care of myself at least and some slight progress. Don't be like them getting lost in the screen and lacking any progress. Focus on what needs to be done in the morning. What to eat tomorrow.

Push your body to its limits once a week.

Think I'm growing bitter and resentful because are too similar and have the same bad habits and or picking up all the bad habits. Why can't I pick up some of the good ones or better one bs all the bad ones. Need to learn to not give an f. I know Nosie chick prevents me from getting and going to the freezer and even eating.

Get gas

Summertime Saddness

It's hard to say what you want without sounding mean or being too passive and not getting what you want. But today I'm so afraid to eat. I'm effected to greatly by others comments. I just don't like the attention for this particular area. I'm not sure how to get over the judgement. There are a few things I want to do this weekend. Some fun and others not so much. Chew on this one piece at a time.

I shouldn't hours question as now I just have forgotten one. I swear there was three  questions. What was the other one? Maybe looking over my craps something will speak to me. Goose seems to have taken a liking to the new accountant. The one that left was also an accountant. Maybe there is an pattern. Let's just send it all off and see what happens. At least it's not in your court anymore. Just push it off and leave it be. The first stall is so popular. Now I know. I'm really no different. Try to take notice of your own behaviors and what others are doing and reacting.

Looking back the few months already it seems stilly already. I tried fighting it and just lettIng it be. It really can be all consuming. Writing is said to be able to help. I sure hope it does. Looking even further back ten years it seems even more silly. How things could be different if I focused on the self more. Someone needs more fiber. Crap. Was my call at noon? A slight moment that I felt like Channing the time of it, but I stop myself of this habit of running away and putting things off when you should face it and get it over with.

So the call wasn't so bad. A little longer than I wanted but I got through it. Anyways, since reading the lean in book and someone being passive aggressive I'm a little irked. Just say that you rather do other things. Let's just be up front. Don't owe anyone anything. Can't believe it's almost 2 already. So much to do.

Lush Life

It was a crush
But i couldn't get enough
It was a rush
But I gave it up

It was a crush
Now I might have to give it up
But that's all it was
So I have it up

Lean In

Was hoping for a fat moe kind of day but I think I am feeling agitated for some reason. I can see muse is definitely can be fun. Especially I can see red chicken really having fun. I can see the amusement and mass appeal. Because of this, I think my fondness has been dampened. Try not to be so easily moved. Try to have other things to look forward to besides the fleeting moments. But we all live for one moment at a time and on to the next moment.

The lean in book I'm almost done. I didn't want to finish it yesterday but it was not a Resave to topic. I did get one thing out of it and it's to not start to prepare and make decesioms like you were already at the moment when you are not. Still have a whole year to make progress before you need to pull out. Until then, you can still make choices that  makes  progress. So don't hold yourself back for something that may happen. We spend too much time preparing for it and then are upset when your career is not up to par. Been g chick has really made strides in her work. Not sure how she did it. It out of everyone, she has done the best. She's good at connecting you with the people and resources you need and pushing off anything that's not yours or someone else's responsibility. Who needs to do their job.

Don't feel like got much done today. Just riddled in axanties today. Not sure where it's stemming from as I try to shift my focus. I feel like I want a chalupa. Have an hanckoring for Mexican food for some reason. Maybe I'm distracted from the hunger. Maybe I do need to eat. 

Poor Unfortunate Souls

So today was not bad. Starting to feel resentful again. Hopefully it will be enough to get me through this as it didn't last long before I wavered. Are they really that delightful or is it all in my head? The arrivals were not difficult to read but I seem to play it up in my head. So it's not as bad or good either way. But today was rather odd. Chance and ice would have it. Been wanting to see and even had an excuse to, but decided against it. Even when getting dressed, decided against it but still didn't want to be too frumpy because wasn't goIng to see anyways. And it happened anyways twice. Nothing I had done or put into motion. How odd. Last night was thinking about the secret and ran into a vision board on YouTube even. Is it positive or wishful thinking? Like late last night decided to not get something to eat and happen to be something to eat when I didn't pick up anything. That I can see as a possibility of happening. But the double visit not so much. I don't dare ask for anything in fear of not getting it but if you are not getting it anyways, what's the harm in asking for it and not getting what you expected? Well this is something for sure know won't. Doubt it's even what I really want. You want to do something more important and yet want more time to do other things. Don't know how long this slowing will last. Might as well take this time to do what you want. 

Layers of this interesting over the boringness

Let's get back to a pattern of focus. There's so many aspects of myself I should study up on myself. Most I think i think I know, just don't not know what to call it. Poor thing. Poor you. No one will feel bad for you.

So today wasn't bad. Remained fairly focused. Philomena doesn't need anyone. You just need to get my craps don't. Just want what I need to get my job done. I got my own fish to fry to let my mind wander. There really hasn't been any signs of anything. It's all in my head. How embarrassing to faulter. What was interesting from some reasearch was Sam has a phd in engineering good lord. Suddenly is more attractive. You really don't know the story behind it. Is this preventing me from taking steps in the direction I want to go in? Is this to the point where it's getting unhealthy. Like dr phill said, it's only bad if it's preventing you from functioning. At times the pain is debilitating. I need to refocus my attention. You really do break me down and build me up all to break me down again. Can only believe in the pain of nothing else.

It has taken almost a year but I'm starting to feel like I know what I am doing. I don't recall how I completed some of the forms in the past. I don't recall putting or filling out any of it in. I do feel I am my own worse enemy. When I focus on things I should not and get derailed. That's when it gets Rather bad and too much screen time throws me off wack. I feel if I got some air I would get better but I don't. I worry and dwell. Just pick something you want to work on and work on it and not worry what you should do. Do what you want not because you have to. Put yourself first because you still get punched for trying to put others before you. 

Summer Time Saddness

Not sure how ended up starting up a new one again when I thought I already did. I thought I started with a quote but I am reminded of the pain I put myself through. The pain I inflict on myself to see if I am still alive. I'm reminded how at moments it's blissful and how it will destroy me. This self distraction. Am I waiting for someone to save me? Can I save myself? Why must I follow? Can I not be the one to lead? Have to find a way to take back control. Though at moments it's nice to let go but it's getting out of hand. It has not been all bad. I do feel the need to better myself more. Inspired by what others do may help me find some purpose. Though I had some slightly unrelated thoughts, but I don't think I am ready to deal with them right now. For now I will leave that dog alone.

I am losing control again. I was doing better put I get pulled back in. Though I was able to practice some things I learned and it's worked well but not perfectly if I was not prepared. I need more practice. But not bad for a first round. So overall I don't think will ever get as close as it gets. Can only be greatful for what you are given. Was not sure if it was even possible. I don't want to go through too much details because too painful to recall but maybe investing or try's my something different because usually I would not care. Youngest of 5 one brother. Parents 6and 8th hard education factory worker. Aunts and uncle passing the last 5 years. 5 archers of land one additional bought for 2.5k about 5 years ago. Aunt saw death and had bible bought, was non religious. Seen an aperition before. Likes cemeteries. Plans to pass land to Brice or nephew. Think that pretty much sums it up. The track back didn't really learn anything new. Trying to find ways to connect with others. Is it a bad sign nothing was really asked about myself? But I really rather learn more about others than talk about myself since I don't really like to talk about myself anyways. Others things notices is why so popular. Can you have poor handwriting and still be popular? The weekly lunch invites and a group that gets together since leaving. I try to reach out my the ones I worked with only to not be receptive. What am I doing wrong? It seems unfair. Wanting to be included only to be excluded. Story of my life. Maybe I need to accept this.

Revenge for Clyde.

How dare you do this to me. Ran into an artical on Facebook to remind me of this torture. The sadness and pain and lack of control. Basically said can't control how we feel but how we act. It has been a rough few days as I play this out in my head. If only I spend that time to focus and better myself I could be so much better off vs dealing with the fallout of sadness. Why must I care. Why it has to be this one. I have turn it to a unicorn of my mind. I've got issues. Can only pry to get through this. Pleas give me the strength to better myself with each trail. The pain that feels like you will end yourself. How embarrassing it would be if it happened often. Just another wacko. Don't relinquish control. Be the heartbreaker.

From what I read in unrequited. It comes from a source of lack of confidence. I could go on and on about this one but I don't want to spend more time on taking this apart to try to discover why I do the things I do. I can only try to self help to be what I want to appear to be. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am what I let you know. So back to the craps that are in front of me. While parusimg cl, the dark side remind me what you don't know about others. Also what you don't know about me. I also had a moment of bitterness of unproductiveness as I see the lack of progress in you I see it also on me. First it was pink chick and now you I see all that I hate in myself. Today's bond athon also reminded me of muse and is the relentlessness and determination that's attractive. It's what I want to be and hope to learn from. Though muse is not that so much.  But you really don't know. Could be lots of dirt and am being played just like everyone else.

Anyways. I tried not to listen to anything hoping it would make things better as I don't want to associate a song to a time of pain but I think it got worse so here I am at midnight listening. If not song, something to improve apron. A way to focus on myself. But I have a hard time trusting others giving real advice and experiences. Like why would anyone would want to help me? I mean I do. But what for? I've been told over and over again to not trust. I still don't. 

Rivals

So last night head was hurting because of all these things cropping up check issues and new requests from the dr of hr that needed the info list last week. Hopefully if my results are accurate, this won't blow up in my face. Not sure if I would have found the one that worked if I didn't get luck. I already had run across it but was in a different track until it cropped up again. It really better to be good than lucky. There is no reason to believe that any of the numbers were wrong in any way. If they were, someone should have said something. Feeling like so many things to do suddenly. What do you prefer? Feel more useful now. It for how long? 

The cold never bothered me anyways

all expectations are shattered. Lasts night class was pretty wonky. Can't help but giggle. It's rather amusing even Charles is amusing for a dark fella. They do have a neat accent especially Greek fella and how he talks about his son and Abercrombie ha. Really quite amusing. Even the IT fella at st. Thomas, though came off as a jerk at first, is amusing in a jerk kind of way. But they are in sales are marketing, wouldn't expect anything less of a good sales person. Gotta admit they are really amusing and have fun banter.

I guess in comparison, I'm assuming muse is Just twitchy. Even when waiting for something to load can't keep hands off your head some reason. The cold can sting. Got to get use to the old. Expect the cold. Doesn't mean can't try but just expect the cold. It makes it easier to deal. Focus on getting what you need and things you need to deal with. You are the least of my concerns right now. When it rains, it pours. Don't be what anyone expects you to be.

Waste is something poor people to be concerned with. I won't approach life from that direction as I can afford to waste. The utmost confidence and belief of control of ones destiny. I'm still not sure if I do. But I will try to be more mindful and pray for a better answer to resolute the check elevation issue tomorrow. I would feel bad if that was the issue to cause a delay.

On a side note, think I'm still trying to find some great looking pants as I don't even recall when I ran into. But the thing I did notice was the well fitting pants and how I want one as well. The vegi chick has some really baggie pants and not even big chick has that great of pants. Noting better than a pair of great fitting pants. 

Swish swish

Not there is any shortage of things to work on today. Slightly distracted but not with the things that usually crop up. This new Katy perry song really reminds me of dsw or a song they would play in h&m. I guess if I don't go read today I don't think I would have as much time tomorrow. It's one of those things you need to make time for. It doesn't come by to jump in your lap. At the moment is to spend the time to organize and reasearch. At least I looked up where the pin is and where moa is in relation. I figure ep is closer to moa. So whatever convo you had in your head really goes out the door. What I play in my head is for me without expectation. 

That's all folks

As this weekend has been more than distracting and discouraging and even less productive. Been working on trying to get more focus to spend less time on things. What I think I am even if I think about things I don't want, but by spending time on them I end up focusing on them and become them. If that's true then better spend more time on the things you want rather than the thing not. Maybe easier to focus on fewer things and a fun thing or two at the same time than to become overwhelmed. So arrivals, cpp chap, and a self help book weather it's never eat alone or lean in.

That book title caught my eye because I'm a sense a part of myself wants to be included but at the same time desiring space. Not to wait for things to happen. Have the grit to make them happen as you desire. The radio this morning reminded me of what can not be. It's the same old same old and getting tired of it. The bondathon from Sunday reminded me what little in common we have and it's a fleeting moment by moment thing. I wouldn't even put anyone in the buddy category. Let's dwell on this less and more focus on self. Only on what you can get out it. When you got nothing for me you no longer serve any purpose for me. I know it's rather cold but only have so much time and space and self needs to take up most of it and if you are not helping them you are in the way.

As I try to apply grit and positive thinking, I find myself conflicted in what I should be thinking. Can I want what I can't have or seek out challenges knowing it will never pass? To pursue something relentlessly? Can I pursue multiple items at a time or I think you put focus on one thing at the moment. I don't know if I'm the type that can only focus on one thing purely for a period without getting it loosing my attention.

After class today as I hear the stories they tell themselves and they truly believe in what they are saying. As an outsider looking in, it's just craziness that in no way could work out. But all too familiar they tell them self the story so many times that they believe it. Only if I can believe in other things just as easily. Can I get myself to believe in other things the same way. Must believe is not avalible and is even batting for the other team even. Believe that it's a front that put up as I do the same. Other than that, today fairly ordinary. How my eyes sting. Is this my punishment or the sun screen? It's like perpetual pain and discomfort. Try to do the right thing by putting on screen and it results in just pain. At least it's pain not related to the heart. It's the pain that brings you to the edge and back. There hasn't really been on in the last ten years to say. Prior there was one here and there. Can't say it was a good time since wells. It was a rather confusing time. You remember the excitement of the unknown but forget the pain of not being enough. Like the whole suit thing for example. Looks great on most but then I want one myself to look as handsome in one. Seldom do I desire a dress unless it was a power suit or something fun on a rare occurrence. 

Disruption

Had a rather strange dream just moments ago where is was related to tearing down the restaurant while we were downstairs at home and as we took things down had to fend off things like in a game in another dimension and muse was there to help to decode some of the challenges like mini clips and understand some of the output and would ask what was our input. The odd thing was muse would visit and be in my space where would get personable but nothing happened but line crossing where touched. This only made me concerned that it's becoming overwhelming or maybe having too much of and effect and impacting me too much. We are not friends to put it simply. Even the ones I thought we were like with people have worked with for five years ended not to be. Tried to do some self help and trying to see if I am not invested enough? they say everybody loves to talk about themselves. Noise chick seems pretty personable and asks a bunch of questions and seem pretty buddy with everyone. And I'm pretty noise too but I wonder if I cross the line by probing too much. But I think I can take a clue when they walk you in. Is it worth the risk of being walled in in an attempt to make a connection?

Maybe should not worry about what others think so much and more how you are going to get what you want out of it.  Gotta put your agenda first and then consider how you will get it with minimal impact or maintain how others experience you. There is no being yourself. Myself is always changing to be a better version of what others perceive as me. You see what I allow you to see, you perceive what I have crafted. Guard must always be up.

Squelch

A sudden realization that muses interests in the events maybe just to get credits for certification, not really anything beyond that. I'm reminded of that from demanding chick and red chick when they asked for a copy of the source and course for credits. It makes sense. Aug getting sucked into the whirlwind of what is possible I create in my head. Use to do so long ago. Not sure if it helped or not but if I can do it with other things. It's like the universe is trying to give me a chance to reach out to try when I thought it would not happen. It's a sign to try. 

The rest of the day was sapose to be slow but at least got some reading in on networking or more like how to connect with people. Approach it as how can I help you, not keeping score, touch, be generous. 

Natural causes

Maybe hide in the basement or in the car under a tree? I think I need me own space. Maybe just go to the library. But this time I got my own toys. Trying something different. Listening to something new, trying something new, reading something different, a combination of the old a different to come up with something new since the old wasn't working anymore.

There really is nothing there. In my mind I'm still longing but it's never as good. Still moments of fluttering like you give a damn. Only care enough to get what you want.

So far not natural causes and no vacancy who knew from one republic which is pretty catchy. At the moment it's what I needed to hear as there is no room right now for other distractions right now. Been spending too much time thinking and dwelling. It's time to take some steps if only just tiny ones. Continue to work on the look you want to achieve. Who you aspire to be like. Always liked the look of a suite. Watching that Korean snl was really cringy but if so fun. It's not something that really happens but a part of you want but only coming from the one you want?

Getting a little resentful over doing what others want and trying to please them. It's so tiring. I can feel myself think oh how to appease you. It's like you spend all this time walking on egg shells. I got a feeling a trip would just be terrible. The clash in personality and different expectations. Trying not to take anyone or anything too seriously. I'm trying to force myself to get something's done but all the whole advoiding others things. It's not like busy or uncomfortable, just avoiding the truth, advoiding the pain and disappointment. Anticipating the other shoe to drop. I think that's the right way to use it. You trouble yourself all for what? Comes back down to motivation.

Part of me is really surprised that muse just ditched the rest of the day. Makes me wonder why I'm still here. Maybe I should do the same.

Superhuman

So on to another song and as I suspected, they do not last long or invoke the feeling I'm looking for. Here I am digressing back to something more familiar to more just Melodie. Just a beat or ruthenium's to keep going and chugging along when things gets you down. Slight panic today actually. Didn't want to be wrong. I did wean myself off muse for a gods 2 days and then this creeps up that needed some talking to. Upon observing muse, is most casual / comfortable among too many. One adored by many. You don't know what you don't know. Maybe better left that way. Cold sores maybe? Really has no shame in walking around with it.

Back to this chill song. Maybe it can bring about some focus. Happen soon some chance digging around only to find that fianace does pretty well for itself. Let's not be blinded by muses and still consider the original plan in accounting. Let's just chill for the moment to regroup and gather yourself. The class and projects are giving my anxieties. Let's take a step back and reorganize. Coming up with a strategy is the easy part, it's the execution that's difficult. It's like being in my head all the time and not doing anything.

Wow I'm really oily. And I thought I would keep more dry at work but my face said other wise. Gotta remember to pat myself down. Maybe I just need to admit I'm just oily. But let's use this as an opportunity to apply what I learned and it would be good to see if I can build a better relaxation out of it though it seems like muses  has redactions with everyone. Not to place on your bets on one to spread it out. You really can't lose when you bet and focus on yourself. Invest in yourself to place bets on others. But really, seeing finance doing well was opening and makes me wonder. So concerned with keeping things the same and not looking to see if maybe things could even be better. How can it be better? Trying to hard to keep the things you have vs looking how can it even be even better? 

Learning

it's not as hard as it seems

you can do more than you think you can

 learn like you're teaching,

 it's mostly what I have though about learning. Never learned how to learn. The images use to be vivid. I don't know if it's I don't use it as often anymore that images are not as vivid anymore. Clearing the mind by clearing the environment. 

Learning how to learn

Train your memory

Trained memory

Motivation: not if you can but if you want to

I feel I'm lacking in this aspect, not want anything badly enough. 

Reasons reep results 

Observation: Ants: auto negative thoughts, show you care, listen vs waiting your turn to reply

Oh gawd, we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with. 

Wha avg CEO reads 4 to 5 books a month?

Reading is the fastest way to get experience. 

What you practice on private you get rewarded in public. 

Focus

Again not much going on but since it's a salary week I guess I better get ready. It will come sooner rather than later. I maybe not gett No the signs I'm want but I am sure getting some hits of other things going on. Got so many bottles open now when I should focus on using one at a time. I don't know if any of the primer is useful or not, but sure easier to put on gave the liquid to powder foundation since don't have to use a sponge.

So it was the first weekend of Chon goonless, it's rather odd. But as I expected, didn't really do much or was productive. Trying to think of things to do with what I got. Trying to keep and let things go at the same time.

Can trying making noodle soup either the American or Asian kind or both. Think we got most of what we need. Also what to do with all the cream cheese. Been looking danish recipes.

Maybe I should take this as a sign that I should complete the cpp application and get ready for class as the slow season hits. I don't know how fall will look but assuming will have an better idea of what is going on at that point can always drop classes. It's just harder to add classes.

Today over all pretty slow but overall emotional is pretty stable. The idea of looking and planning ahead it quite dreadful. But you gotta use what you have as who knows how long you will have it. So use the laptop for what you need to get you craps done and to prepare. It's never as bad as you imagin or is it ever as good.

Maybe I should really be taking in the signs that this semester really should be and is easier and can fit in cpp and also the slowness at work as well is like all happening at the same time to try to tell me something? Is it a sign? Is it luck or chance? I feel like this is my last chance to get this done. After talking to class mates on the lack of work for the class, makes me think how I should be able to do this. Again things are not as it seems. They are not as they appear. Maybe all this delaying of peoplesoft training is for the better. May not be using it much longer though it seems like it's far away. Class topic today was over looming death and questioning if I am doing what I want to do. Not sure what the answer is. Not sure if I will ever get an answer. Can only pray for things as they should be and for strength to endure the challenges to fulfill your plan.

Pain you break me down and build me up

No buds and been a gloomy day like my outlook on my situation. For a moment you thought it be good to have them around but again doesn't play out that way. How do I decide things if I can't play it through correctly in my mind? If I can come to the correct or accurate conclusion? How do I decide anything? Maybe I need to think of things differently. Hence the reason for the podcasts to retune my mind. And the reading. 

Cold

Although it's hot outside, it's cold here today figuratively and literally. I should work out to warm up. I really can't be here waiting so long or even ever. Getting cold waiting. Getting weak waiting. Today feel as though I lost my head at times to tree frogs and geese. Just when you feel like it opening up you get shit down. That mem with Wonder Woman realizing and the utter disappointment is all too real. Watching muse going through tickets only make me feel more useless and reminded me what I need to work on. If nothing more but to organize so when there is something to work on I can get on top of it. But overall these past two days especially has been really slow. My mind is starting to wander too far. I don't want to fight it too much, a little fun can't hurt and maybe even healthy. But just don't stay there for too long. Too much of anything can become a bad thing.

Gawd, why so freaking cold. Work out and get warm. Go out and get warm. And now back to cold again. Really can't go anywhere without a sweater. Feels no as though I have too much time but maybe it's meant to help me in some way. Still need to work on clearing things out. Part of me doesn't want to bother but I should just to get it over with.

Rather bloated at this point. What are the chances the place I was thinking about now it also happens to be the same place they suggest eating at? Out of all the places it's the place I was thinking about? Makes you wonder about what you think about happens. Projecting your thoughts to the universe. At this point just want the muse to not hate me. That's all I can ask for now. How knows if muse be around much longer or even if I would be around much longer. Can only take it one day at a time. 

Seperation

 Listening to a podcast on focus and produivity. Talks about a separate place and mood for different tasks. I think I can use the car for something. I find myself listening to the same music more and feel recently that everything is starting to blend in. I should go back to differentiate it more.

So the last time I was here eating soup at Hy-Vee was accounting exam which I don't even think I did that well on even. I figure there was a reason the soup of tortaline was so full was because the noodles were all broken and it's not bad but also not that good. Realativly not as salty as some of the other soups. Things don't quite go the ways it seems too. With the closing of Chon goon, feels no more poor than ever and the idea of muse separations and assholes, was slightly disappointed even through we may not be referencing the same object. Maybe this is more like depression soup. At least I held back on getting a bigger one. I could feel myself wanting to get the better value but held back. But there was barely enough whole pieces to fill the small bowl let alone the big one.

Today at work it was so slow that I was cramping. I could have used that time to work on my own activities or to work on the painfully manually query catalogue. I guess there's always Friday. But I'm lacking in motivation now that all my projects are being axed. Feeling like I'm next. Even if I'm still here, worry about which side I may end up on. I sapose if I end up on the good side my life be easier and if the bad side a better chance to be better maybe. Then again it doesn't work out how it plays out in my head. Continue to organize your own craps. There's not shortage of folders and files to organize and to backup.

Not sure what's going on with the eyes but they are either dry or burning as I begin to dispose the muse more and more. Just keeping in mind that I will throw you under the bus if you get in my way. Sweet chick been complaining about red chick. Not sure if I should bring up anything but we'll see in time.

I realize awhile back muse remindse of other beloved characters. So the idea of an real one can be flattering and disappointing. Knowing that it won't last and be likely seperates makes me feel more lost than ever. The impending changes impacting me in a negative way usually. Who knows what you be doing what where. Not concerned about my profile. Not like I need the attention. In less than 2 months it be a year here. How quickly time flys. So much has happened during that time. So spoiled. The idea of it all going away makes me think how I will adjust. Good and or indifferent, none lasts forever. Change is always around the corner. To break the hold you have on me. No one is looking for me as you would not like what you find.

Think I do have a muse for the fitting well dresses reguardless. Black on black is a thing.