Not sure how ended up starting up a new one again when I thought I already did. I thought I started with a quote but I am reminded of the pain I put myself through. The pain I inflict on myself to see if I am still alive. I'm reminded how at moments it's blissful and how it will destroy me. This self distraction. Am I waiting for someone to save me? Can I save myself? Why must I follow? Can I not be the one to lead? Have to find a way to take back control. Though at moments it's nice to let go but it's getting out of hand. It has not been all bad. I do feel the need to better myself more. Inspired by what others do may help me find some purpose. Though I had some slightly unrelated thoughts, but I don't think I am ready to deal with them right now. For now I will leave that dog alone.
I am losing control again. I was doing better put I get pulled back in. Though I was able to practice some things I learned and it's worked well but not perfectly if I was not prepared. I need more practice. But not bad for a first round. So overall I don't think will ever get as close as it gets. Can only be greatful for what you are given. Was not sure if it was even possible. I don't want to go through too much details because too painful to recall but maybe investing or try's my something different because usually I would not care. Youngest of 5 one brother. Parents 6and 8th hard education factory worker. Aunts and uncle passing the last 5 years. 5 archers of land one additional bought for 2.5k about 5 years ago. Aunt saw death and had bible bought, was non religious. Seen an aperition before. Likes cemeteries. Plans to pass land to Brice or nephew. Think that pretty much sums it up. The track back didn't really learn anything new. Trying to find ways to connect with others. Is it a bad sign nothing was really asked about myself? But I really rather learn more about others than talk about myself since I don't really like to talk about myself anyways. Others things notices is why so popular. Can you have poor handwriting and still be popular? The weekly lunch invites and a group that gets together since leaving. I try to reach out my the ones I worked with only to not be receptive. What am I doing wrong? It seems unfair. Wanting to be included only to be excluded. Story of my life. Maybe I need to accept this.
Revenge for Clyde.
How dare you do this to me. Ran into an artical on Facebook to remind me of this torture. The sadness and pain and lack of control. Basically said can't control how we feel but how we act. It has been a rough few days as I play this out in my head. If only I spend that time to focus and better myself I could be so much better off vs dealing with the fallout of sadness. Why must I care. Why it has to be this one. I have turn it to a unicorn of my mind. I've got issues. Can only pry to get through this. Pleas give me the strength to better myself with each trail. The pain that feels like you will end yourself. How embarrassing it would be if it happened often. Just another wacko. Don't relinquish control. Be the heartbreaker.
From what I read in unrequited. It comes from a source of lack of confidence. I could go on and on about this one but I don't want to spend more time on taking this apart to try to discover why I do the things I do. I can only try to self help to be what I want to appear to be. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am what I let you know. So back to the craps that are in front of me. While parusimg cl, the dark side remind me what you don't know about others. Also what you don't know about me. I also had a moment of bitterness of unproductiveness as I see the lack of progress in you I see it also on me. First it was pink chick and now you I see all that I hate in myself. Today's bond athon also reminded me of muse and is the relentlessness and determination that's attractive. It's what I want to be and hope to learn from. Though muse is not that so much. But you really don't know. Could be lots of dirt and am being played just like everyone else.
Anyways. I tried not to listen to anything hoping it would make things better as I don't want to associate a song to a time of pain but I think it got worse so here I am at midnight listening. If not song, something to improve apron. A way to focus on myself. But I have a hard time trusting others giving real advice and experiences. Like why would anyone would want to help me? I mean I do. But what for? I've been told over and over again to not trust. I still don't.
I am losing control again. I was doing better put I get pulled back in. Though I was able to practice some things I learned and it's worked well but not perfectly if I was not prepared. I need more practice. But not bad for a first round. So overall I don't think will ever get as close as it gets. Can only be greatful for what you are given. Was not sure if it was even possible. I don't want to go through too much details because too painful to recall but maybe investing or try's my something different because usually I would not care. Youngest of 5 one brother. Parents 6and 8th hard education factory worker. Aunts and uncle passing the last 5 years. 5 archers of land one additional bought for 2.5k about 5 years ago. Aunt saw death and had bible bought, was non religious. Seen an aperition before. Likes cemeteries. Plans to pass land to Brice or nephew. Think that pretty much sums it up. The track back didn't really learn anything new. Trying to find ways to connect with others. Is it a bad sign nothing was really asked about myself? But I really rather learn more about others than talk about myself since I don't really like to talk about myself anyways. Others things notices is why so popular. Can you have poor handwriting and still be popular? The weekly lunch invites and a group that gets together since leaving. I try to reach out my the ones I worked with only to not be receptive. What am I doing wrong? It seems unfair. Wanting to be included only to be excluded. Story of my life. Maybe I need to accept this.
Revenge for Clyde.
How dare you do this to me. Ran into an artical on Facebook to remind me of this torture. The sadness and pain and lack of control. Basically said can't control how we feel but how we act. It has been a rough few days as I play this out in my head. If only I spend that time to focus and better myself I could be so much better off vs dealing with the fallout of sadness. Why must I care. Why it has to be this one. I have turn it to a unicorn of my mind. I've got issues. Can only pry to get through this. Pleas give me the strength to better myself with each trail. The pain that feels like you will end yourself. How embarrassing it would be if it happened often. Just another wacko. Don't relinquish control. Be the heartbreaker.
From what I read in unrequited. It comes from a source of lack of confidence. I could go on and on about this one but I don't want to spend more time on taking this apart to try to discover why I do the things I do. I can only try to self help to be what I want to appear to be. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am what I let you know. So back to the craps that are in front of me. While parusimg cl, the dark side remind me what you don't know about others. Also what you don't know about me. I also had a moment of bitterness of unproductiveness as I see the lack of progress in you I see it also on me. First it was pink chick and now you I see all that I hate in myself. Today's bond athon also reminded me of muse and is the relentlessness and determination that's attractive. It's what I want to be and hope to learn from. Though muse is not that so much. But you really don't know. Could be lots of dirt and am being played just like everyone else.
Anyways. I tried not to listen to anything hoping it would make things better as I don't want to associate a song to a time of pain but I think it got worse so here I am at midnight listening. If not song, something to improve apron. A way to focus on myself. But I have a hard time trusting others giving real advice and experiences. Like why would anyone would want to help me? I mean I do. But what for? I've been told over and over again to not trust. I still don't.
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