Addiction

Though I can't say most of what the guru has to say is really relatable to me but I can admit he has some points on a few things like my addiction. To even describe it as an addiction is quite accurate actually. Was doing well one week and then fall off the horse. There was even a good reason for it last week. It was all more made up more than anything. It makes it all the more painful. Was more made than anything else. Was hopping for more than I can ever receive. Rather disappointed and even angry and irked. Teaches me to ever do anything now be again for anyone. That showed me. I ask myself was there another option. What else could I have done with them? I think I still would have reguardless. Who else would there be? Setting myself for disappointment. Can't even make a friend. How I always get into this bind time after time again. I'm starting to get angry at myself and the muse. The stupid stories that are going through my head. Time to create a new story. Not sure where I'm going or how I'll get there but as long as I go somewhere is all that matters. I really didn't expect it to be that cold. Was green with envy when suddenly just out of no where to joke around out of your way and even to leave notes. Good gawd the envious green was raging. So what about the ice cream. It's not special. Not like red chick would eat it anyways. Suddenly red chick is more fun when muse is around. Just give me a freaking break. Just so raging now at myself more than anything. Worse of all it's self inflicted damage. Three more sections left for the paper. Not sure what it means on industry and resources not company. Maybe ask someone. Only got a week left. It has been months and have not made any progress since the first week. Gawd damn it. The indifference and just plain coldness. If there's not going to be any meaningful convo then eff off. I can only hope that I don't get sucked back in. Pray for the strength to get through this. The anger, the cold, the resentment. And yes I did expect a little more gratitude. But if that's how it's going to be then eff you. I want my return in investment and if it's not going to pay off then time for a new investment. Minimal maintenance as needed for now. I'm done with it. Enough of this. I got other activities that may have some actual return vs realizing you are just like any other. No different nothing special. Feeling overwhelmed sadness suddenly where I'm filled with tears feeling sorry for myself after spewing this all out. How pathetic. How stupid. How dare you spend your time on this even. Still want a good relation but it still maybe the same with or without your efforts. But it was a lot of effort. See if you would get it again. You're like that with everyone. Realize that sooner than later. Growing numb and resentful. Not a happy camper here. Please give me a break. I don't think I can do this anymore. It's just so sad. So sad. So really sad. How long will this last? Can't do this anymore. Slight joy with lots of anxiety. It's not different special or unique. It's like that with everyone.