Lean In

Was hoping for a fat moe kind of day but I think I am feeling agitated for some reason. I can see muse is definitely can be fun. Especially I can see red chicken really having fun. I can see the amusement and mass appeal. Because of this, I think my fondness has been dampened. Try not to be so easily moved. Try to have other things to look forward to besides the fleeting moments. But we all live for one moment at a time and on to the next moment.

The lean in book I'm almost done. I didn't want to finish it yesterday but it was not a Resave to topic. I did get one thing out of it and it's to not start to prepare and make decesioms like you were already at the moment when you are not. Still have a whole year to make progress before you need to pull out. Until then, you can still make choices that  makes  progress. So don't hold yourself back for something that may happen. We spend too much time preparing for it and then are upset when your career is not up to par. Been g chick has really made strides in her work. Not sure how she did it. It out of everyone, she has done the best. She's good at connecting you with the people and resources you need and pushing off anything that's not yours or someone else's responsibility. Who needs to do their job.

Don't feel like got much done today. Just riddled in axanties today. Not sure where it's stemming from as I try to shift my focus. I feel like I want a chalupa. Have an hanckoring for Mexican food for some reason. Maybe I'm distracted from the hunger. Maybe I do need to eat. 

Poor Unfortunate Souls

So today was not bad. Starting to feel resentful again. Hopefully it will be enough to get me through this as it didn't last long before I wavered. Are they really that delightful or is it all in my head? The arrivals were not difficult to read but I seem to play it up in my head. So it's not as bad or good either way. But today was rather odd. Chance and ice would have it. Been wanting to see and even had an excuse to, but decided against it. Even when getting dressed, decided against it but still didn't want to be too frumpy because wasn't goIng to see anyways. And it happened anyways twice. Nothing I had done or put into motion. How odd. Last night was thinking about the secret and ran into a vision board on YouTube even. Is it positive or wishful thinking? Like late last night decided to not get something to eat and happen to be something to eat when I didn't pick up anything. That I can see as a possibility of happening. But the double visit not so much. I don't dare ask for anything in fear of not getting it but if you are not getting it anyways, what's the harm in asking for it and not getting what you expected? Well this is something for sure know won't. Doubt it's even what I really want. You want to do something more important and yet want more time to do other things. Don't know how long this slowing will last. Might as well take this time to do what you want. 

Layers of this interesting over the boringness

Let's get back to a pattern of focus. There's so many aspects of myself I should study up on myself. Most I think i think I know, just don't not know what to call it. Poor thing. Poor you. No one will feel bad for you.

So today wasn't bad. Remained fairly focused. Philomena doesn't need anyone. You just need to get my craps don't. Just want what I need to get my job done. I got my own fish to fry to let my mind wander. There really hasn't been any signs of anything. It's all in my head. How embarrassing to faulter. What was interesting from some reasearch was Sam has a phd in engineering good lord. Suddenly is more attractive. You really don't know the story behind it. Is this preventing me from taking steps in the direction I want to go in? Is this to the point where it's getting unhealthy. Like dr phill said, it's only bad if it's preventing you from functioning. At times the pain is debilitating. I need to refocus my attention. You really do break me down and build me up all to break me down again. Can only believe in the pain of nothing else.

It has taken almost a year but I'm starting to feel like I know what I am doing. I don't recall how I completed some of the forms in the past. I don't recall putting or filling out any of it in. I do feel I am my own worse enemy. When I focus on things I should not and get derailed. That's when it gets Rather bad and too much screen time throws me off wack. I feel if I got some air I would get better but I don't. I worry and dwell. Just pick something you want to work on and work on it and not worry what you should do. Do what you want not because you have to. Put yourself first because you still get punched for trying to put others before you. 

Summer Time Saddness

Not sure how ended up starting up a new one again when I thought I already did. I thought I started with a quote but I am reminded of the pain I put myself through. The pain I inflict on myself to see if I am still alive. I'm reminded how at moments it's blissful and how it will destroy me. This self distraction. Am I waiting for someone to save me? Can I save myself? Why must I follow? Can I not be the one to lead? Have to find a way to take back control. Though at moments it's nice to let go but it's getting out of hand. It has not been all bad. I do feel the need to better myself more. Inspired by what others do may help me find some purpose. Though I had some slightly unrelated thoughts, but I don't think I am ready to deal with them right now. For now I will leave that dog alone.

I am losing control again. I was doing better put I get pulled back in. Though I was able to practice some things I learned and it's worked well but not perfectly if I was not prepared. I need more practice. But not bad for a first round. So overall I don't think will ever get as close as it gets. Can only be greatful for what you are given. Was not sure if it was even possible. I don't want to go through too much details because too painful to recall but maybe investing or try's my something different because usually I would not care. Youngest of 5 one brother. Parents 6and 8th hard education factory worker. Aunts and uncle passing the last 5 years. 5 archers of land one additional bought for 2.5k about 5 years ago. Aunt saw death and had bible bought, was non religious. Seen an aperition before. Likes cemeteries. Plans to pass land to Brice or nephew. Think that pretty much sums it up. The track back didn't really learn anything new. Trying to find ways to connect with others. Is it a bad sign nothing was really asked about myself? But I really rather learn more about others than talk about myself since I don't really like to talk about myself anyways. Others things notices is why so popular. Can you have poor handwriting and still be popular? The weekly lunch invites and a group that gets together since leaving. I try to reach out my the ones I worked with only to not be receptive. What am I doing wrong? It seems unfair. Wanting to be included only to be excluded. Story of my life. Maybe I need to accept this.

Revenge for Clyde.

How dare you do this to me. Ran into an artical on Facebook to remind me of this torture. The sadness and pain and lack of control. Basically said can't control how we feel but how we act. It has been a rough few days as I play this out in my head. If only I spend that time to focus and better myself I could be so much better off vs dealing with the fallout of sadness. Why must I care. Why it has to be this one. I have turn it to a unicorn of my mind. I've got issues. Can only pry to get through this. Pleas give me the strength to better myself with each trail. The pain that feels like you will end yourself. How embarrassing it would be if it happened often. Just another wacko. Don't relinquish control. Be the heartbreaker.

From what I read in unrequited. It comes from a source of lack of confidence. I could go on and on about this one but I don't want to spend more time on taking this apart to try to discover why I do the things I do. I can only try to self help to be what I want to appear to be. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am what I let you know. So back to the craps that are in front of me. While parusimg cl, the dark side remind me what you don't know about others. Also what you don't know about me. I also had a moment of bitterness of unproductiveness as I see the lack of progress in you I see it also on me. First it was pink chick and now you I see all that I hate in myself. Today's bond athon also reminded me of muse and is the relentlessness and determination that's attractive. It's what I want to be and hope to learn from. Though muse is not that so much.  But you really don't know. Could be lots of dirt and am being played just like everyone else.

Anyways. I tried not to listen to anything hoping it would make things better as I don't want to associate a song to a time of pain but I think it got worse so here I am at midnight listening. If not song, something to improve apron. A way to focus on myself. But I have a hard time trusting others giving real advice and experiences. Like why would anyone would want to help me? I mean I do. But what for? I've been told over and over again to not trust. I still don't. 

Rivals

So last night head was hurting because of all these things cropping up check issues and new requests from the dr of hr that needed the info list last week. Hopefully if my results are accurate, this won't blow up in my face. Not sure if I would have found the one that worked if I didn't get luck. I already had run across it but was in a different track until it cropped up again. It really better to be good than lucky. There is no reason to believe that any of the numbers were wrong in any way. If they were, someone should have said something. Feeling like so many things to do suddenly. What do you prefer? Feel more useful now. It for how long? 

The cold never bothered me anyways

all expectations are shattered. Lasts night class was pretty wonky. Can't help but giggle. It's rather amusing even Charles is amusing for a dark fella. They do have a neat accent especially Greek fella and how he talks about his son and Abercrombie ha. Really quite amusing. Even the IT fella at st. Thomas, though came off as a jerk at first, is amusing in a jerk kind of way. But they are in sales are marketing, wouldn't expect anything less of a good sales person. Gotta admit they are really amusing and have fun banter.

I guess in comparison, I'm assuming muse is Just twitchy. Even when waiting for something to load can't keep hands off your head some reason. The cold can sting. Got to get use to the old. Expect the cold. Doesn't mean can't try but just expect the cold. It makes it easier to deal. Focus on getting what you need and things you need to deal with. You are the least of my concerns right now. When it rains, it pours. Don't be what anyone expects you to be.

Waste is something poor people to be concerned with. I won't approach life from that direction as I can afford to waste. The utmost confidence and belief of control of ones destiny. I'm still not sure if I do. But I will try to be more mindful and pray for a better answer to resolute the check elevation issue tomorrow. I would feel bad if that was the issue to cause a delay.

On a side note, think I'm still trying to find some great looking pants as I don't even recall when I ran into. But the thing I did notice was the well fitting pants and how I want one as well. The vegi chick has some really baggie pants and not even big chick has that great of pants. Noting better than a pair of great fitting pants. 

Swish swish

Not there is any shortage of things to work on today. Slightly distracted but not with the things that usually crop up. This new Katy perry song really reminds me of dsw or a song they would play in h&m. I guess if I don't go read today I don't think I would have as much time tomorrow. It's one of those things you need to make time for. It doesn't come by to jump in your lap. At the moment is to spend the time to organize and reasearch. At least I looked up where the pin is and where moa is in relation. I figure ep is closer to moa. So whatever convo you had in your head really goes out the door. What I play in my head is for me without expectation. 

That's all folks

As this weekend has been more than distracting and discouraging and even less productive. Been working on trying to get more focus to spend less time on things. What I think I am even if I think about things I don't want, but by spending time on them I end up focusing on them and become them. If that's true then better spend more time on the things you want rather than the thing not. Maybe easier to focus on fewer things and a fun thing or two at the same time than to become overwhelmed. So arrivals, cpp chap, and a self help book weather it's never eat alone or lean in.

That book title caught my eye because I'm a sense a part of myself wants to be included but at the same time desiring space. Not to wait for things to happen. Have the grit to make them happen as you desire. The radio this morning reminded me of what can not be. It's the same old same old and getting tired of it. The bondathon from Sunday reminded me what little in common we have and it's a fleeting moment by moment thing. I wouldn't even put anyone in the buddy category. Let's dwell on this less and more focus on self. Only on what you can get out it. When you got nothing for me you no longer serve any purpose for me. I know it's rather cold but only have so much time and space and self needs to take up most of it and if you are not helping them you are in the way.

As I try to apply grit and positive thinking, I find myself conflicted in what I should be thinking. Can I want what I can't have or seek out challenges knowing it will never pass? To pursue something relentlessly? Can I pursue multiple items at a time or I think you put focus on one thing at the moment. I don't know if I'm the type that can only focus on one thing purely for a period without getting it loosing my attention.

After class today as I hear the stories they tell themselves and they truly believe in what they are saying. As an outsider looking in, it's just craziness that in no way could work out. But all too familiar they tell them self the story so many times that they believe it. Only if I can believe in other things just as easily. Can I get myself to believe in other things the same way. Must believe is not avalible and is even batting for the other team even. Believe that it's a front that put up as I do the same. Other than that, today fairly ordinary. How my eyes sting. Is this my punishment or the sun screen? It's like perpetual pain and discomfort. Try to do the right thing by putting on screen and it results in just pain. At least it's pain not related to the heart. It's the pain that brings you to the edge and back. There hasn't really been on in the last ten years to say. Prior there was one here and there. Can't say it was a good time since wells. It was a rather confusing time. You remember the excitement of the unknown but forget the pain of not being enough. Like the whole suit thing for example. Looks great on most but then I want one myself to look as handsome in one. Seldom do I desire a dress unless it was a power suit or something fun on a rare occurrence. 

Disruption

Had a rather strange dream just moments ago where is was related to tearing down the restaurant while we were downstairs at home and as we took things down had to fend off things like in a game in another dimension and muse was there to help to decode some of the challenges like mini clips and understand some of the output and would ask what was our input. The odd thing was muse would visit and be in my space where would get personable but nothing happened but line crossing where touched. This only made me concerned that it's becoming overwhelming or maybe having too much of and effect and impacting me too much. We are not friends to put it simply. Even the ones I thought we were like with people have worked with for five years ended not to be. Tried to do some self help and trying to see if I am not invested enough? they say everybody loves to talk about themselves. Noise chick seems pretty personable and asks a bunch of questions and seem pretty buddy with everyone. And I'm pretty noise too but I wonder if I cross the line by probing too much. But I think I can take a clue when they walk you in. Is it worth the risk of being walled in in an attempt to make a connection?

Maybe should not worry about what others think so much and more how you are going to get what you want out of it.  Gotta put your agenda first and then consider how you will get it with minimal impact or maintain how others experience you. There is no being yourself. Myself is always changing to be a better version of what others perceive as me. You see what I allow you to see, you perceive what I have crafted. Guard must always be up.

Squelch

A sudden realization that muses interests in the events maybe just to get credits for certification, not really anything beyond that. I'm reminded of that from demanding chick and red chick when they asked for a copy of the source and course for credits. It makes sense. Aug getting sucked into the whirlwind of what is possible I create in my head. Use to do so long ago. Not sure if it helped or not but if I can do it with other things. It's like the universe is trying to give me a chance to reach out to try when I thought it would not happen. It's a sign to try. 

The rest of the day was sapose to be slow but at least got some reading in on networking or more like how to connect with people. Approach it as how can I help you, not keeping score, touch, be generous. 

Natural causes

Maybe hide in the basement or in the car under a tree? I think I need me own space. Maybe just go to the library. But this time I got my own toys. Trying something different. Listening to something new, trying something new, reading something different, a combination of the old a different to come up with something new since the old wasn't working anymore.

There really is nothing there. In my mind I'm still longing but it's never as good. Still moments of fluttering like you give a damn. Only care enough to get what you want.

So far not natural causes and no vacancy who knew from one republic which is pretty catchy. At the moment it's what I needed to hear as there is no room right now for other distractions right now. Been spending too much time thinking and dwelling. It's time to take some steps if only just tiny ones. Continue to work on the look you want to achieve. Who you aspire to be like. Always liked the look of a suite. Watching that Korean snl was really cringy but if so fun. It's not something that really happens but a part of you want but only coming from the one you want?

Getting a little resentful over doing what others want and trying to please them. It's so tiring. I can feel myself think oh how to appease you. It's like you spend all this time walking on egg shells. I got a feeling a trip would just be terrible. The clash in personality and different expectations. Trying not to take anyone or anything too seriously. I'm trying to force myself to get something's done but all the whole advoiding others things. It's not like busy or uncomfortable, just avoiding the truth, advoiding the pain and disappointment. Anticipating the other shoe to drop. I think that's the right way to use it. You trouble yourself all for what? Comes back down to motivation.

Part of me is really surprised that muse just ditched the rest of the day. Makes me wonder why I'm still here. Maybe I should do the same.

Superhuman

So on to another song and as I suspected, they do not last long or invoke the feeling I'm looking for. Here I am digressing back to something more familiar to more just Melodie. Just a beat or ruthenium's to keep going and chugging along when things gets you down. Slight panic today actually. Didn't want to be wrong. I did wean myself off muse for a gods 2 days and then this creeps up that needed some talking to. Upon observing muse, is most casual / comfortable among too many. One adored by many. You don't know what you don't know. Maybe better left that way. Cold sores maybe? Really has no shame in walking around with it.

Back to this chill song. Maybe it can bring about some focus. Happen soon some chance digging around only to find that fianace does pretty well for itself. Let's not be blinded by muses and still consider the original plan in accounting. Let's just chill for the moment to regroup and gather yourself. The class and projects are giving my anxieties. Let's take a step back and reorganize. Coming up with a strategy is the easy part, it's the execution that's difficult. It's like being in my head all the time and not doing anything.

Wow I'm really oily. And I thought I would keep more dry at work but my face said other wise. Gotta remember to pat myself down. Maybe I just need to admit I'm just oily. But let's use this as an opportunity to apply what I learned and it would be good to see if I can build a better relaxation out of it though it seems like muses  has redactions with everyone. Not to place on your bets on one to spread it out. You really can't lose when you bet and focus on yourself. Invest in yourself to place bets on others. But really, seeing finance doing well was opening and makes me wonder. So concerned with keeping things the same and not looking to see if maybe things could even be better. How can it be better? Trying to hard to keep the things you have vs looking how can it even be even better? 

Learning

it's not as hard as it seems

you can do more than you think you can

 learn like you're teaching,

 it's mostly what I have though about learning. Never learned how to learn. The images use to be vivid. I don't know if it's I don't use it as often anymore that images are not as vivid anymore. Clearing the mind by clearing the environment. 

Learning how to learn

Train your memory

Trained memory

Motivation: not if you can but if you want to

I feel I'm lacking in this aspect, not want anything badly enough. 

Reasons reep results 

Observation: Ants: auto negative thoughts, show you care, listen vs waiting your turn to reply

Oh gawd, we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with. 

Wha avg CEO reads 4 to 5 books a month?

Reading is the fastest way to get experience. 

What you practice on private you get rewarded in public. 

Focus

Again not much going on but since it's a salary week I guess I better get ready. It will come sooner rather than later. I maybe not gett No the signs I'm want but I am sure getting some hits of other things going on. Got so many bottles open now when I should focus on using one at a time. I don't know if any of the primer is useful or not, but sure easier to put on gave the liquid to powder foundation since don't have to use a sponge.

So it was the first weekend of Chon goonless, it's rather odd. But as I expected, didn't really do much or was productive. Trying to think of things to do with what I got. Trying to keep and let things go at the same time.

Can trying making noodle soup either the American or Asian kind or both. Think we got most of what we need. Also what to do with all the cream cheese. Been looking danish recipes.

Maybe I should take this as a sign that I should complete the cpp application and get ready for class as the slow season hits. I don't know how fall will look but assuming will have an better idea of what is going on at that point can always drop classes. It's just harder to add classes.

Today over all pretty slow but overall emotional is pretty stable. The idea of looking and planning ahead it quite dreadful. But you gotta use what you have as who knows how long you will have it. So use the laptop for what you need to get you craps done and to prepare. It's never as bad as you imagin or is it ever as good.

Maybe I should really be taking in the signs that this semester really should be and is easier and can fit in cpp and also the slowness at work as well is like all happening at the same time to try to tell me something? Is it a sign? Is it luck or chance? I feel like this is my last chance to get this done. After talking to class mates on the lack of work for the class, makes me think how I should be able to do this. Again things are not as it seems. They are not as they appear. Maybe all this delaying of peoplesoft training is for the better. May not be using it much longer though it seems like it's far away. Class topic today was over looming death and questioning if I am doing what I want to do. Not sure what the answer is. Not sure if I will ever get an answer. Can only pray for things as they should be and for strength to endure the challenges to fulfill your plan.

Pain you break me down and build me up

No buds and been a gloomy day like my outlook on my situation. For a moment you thought it be good to have them around but again doesn't play out that way. How do I decide things if I can't play it through correctly in my mind? If I can come to the correct or accurate conclusion? How do I decide anything? Maybe I need to think of things differently. Hence the reason for the podcasts to retune my mind. And the reading. 

Cold

Although it's hot outside, it's cold here today figuratively and literally. I should work out to warm up. I really can't be here waiting so long or even ever. Getting cold waiting. Getting weak waiting. Today feel as though I lost my head at times to tree frogs and geese. Just when you feel like it opening up you get shit down. That mem with Wonder Woman realizing and the utter disappointment is all too real. Watching muse going through tickets only make me feel more useless and reminded me what I need to work on. If nothing more but to organize so when there is something to work on I can get on top of it. But overall these past two days especially has been really slow. My mind is starting to wander too far. I don't want to fight it too much, a little fun can't hurt and maybe even healthy. But just don't stay there for too long. Too much of anything can become a bad thing.

Gawd, why so freaking cold. Work out and get warm. Go out and get warm. And now back to cold again. Really can't go anywhere without a sweater. Feels no as though I have too much time but maybe it's meant to help me in some way. Still need to work on clearing things out. Part of me doesn't want to bother but I should just to get it over with.

Rather bloated at this point. What are the chances the place I was thinking about now it also happens to be the same place they suggest eating at? Out of all the places it's the place I was thinking about? Makes you wonder about what you think about happens. Projecting your thoughts to the universe. At this point just want the muse to not hate me. That's all I can ask for now. How knows if muse be around much longer or even if I would be around much longer. Can only take it one day at a time. 

Seperation

 Listening to a podcast on focus and produivity. Talks about a separate place and mood for different tasks. I think I can use the car for something. I find myself listening to the same music more and feel recently that everything is starting to blend in. I should go back to differentiate it more.

So the last time I was here eating soup at Hy-Vee was accounting exam which I don't even think I did that well on even. I figure there was a reason the soup of tortaline was so full was because the noodles were all broken and it's not bad but also not that good. Realativly not as salty as some of the other soups. Things don't quite go the ways it seems too. With the closing of Chon goon, feels no more poor than ever and the idea of muse separations and assholes, was slightly disappointed even through we may not be referencing the same object. Maybe this is more like depression soup. At least I held back on getting a bigger one. I could feel myself wanting to get the better value but held back. But there was barely enough whole pieces to fill the small bowl let alone the big one.

Today at work it was so slow that I was cramping. I could have used that time to work on my own activities or to work on the painfully manually query catalogue. I guess there's always Friday. But I'm lacking in motivation now that all my projects are being axed. Feeling like I'm next. Even if I'm still here, worry about which side I may end up on. I sapose if I end up on the good side my life be easier and if the bad side a better chance to be better maybe. Then again it doesn't work out how it plays out in my head. Continue to organize your own craps. There's not shortage of folders and files to organize and to backup.

Not sure what's going on with the eyes but they are either dry or burning as I begin to dispose the muse more and more. Just keeping in mind that I will throw you under the bus if you get in my way. Sweet chick been complaining about red chick. Not sure if I should bring up anything but we'll see in time.

I realize awhile back muse remindse of other beloved characters. So the idea of an real one can be flattering and disappointing. Knowing that it won't last and be likely seperates makes me feel more lost than ever. The impending changes impacting me in a negative way usually. Who knows what you be doing what where. Not concerned about my profile. Not like I need the attention. In less than 2 months it be a year here. How quickly time flys. So much has happened during that time. So spoiled. The idea of it all going away makes me think how I will adjust. Good and or indifferent, none lasts forever. Change is always around the corner. To break the hold you have on me. No one is looking for me as you would not like what you find.

Think I do have a muse for the fitting well dresses reguardless. Black on black is a thing. 

All Talk

I realize more and more how everyone is all talk. It's like that with noise chick said would come and no show, at least queen bee came and said would but that maybe because there was some benifit to do so but what relationship is not mutual Beni and give and take. What else has been all talk? The whole oh won't help him blah blah but now you are all scavenging stuff for him. Again you really can't beat luck. Even with how things appear to be, it will end up better than it seems.

Trying to be more patient and to mull over things a little before responding. Not too long though but enough to advoid some mistakes that maybe can be filtered out. Don't think can advoid everything but minimal efforts. Like waiting 10 mins for the confirm. In my head I'm thinking due to the crawl, things got backed up and now it's starting so you just waiting for something's to finish.

Maybe I ask too many questions at once and it get Burried there or too many statements and it's overwhelming. But part of me wants to get it all in because half the time muse wanders off so I want to get all of my part in. I try to be patient but you are all really testing my pacients. Do I assume the worse or best in others? I think it depends on who it is. I guess sorta already answered that question that I can move on with it. Let's just get it over with.

Ok so that wasn't so bad but kinda threw veginchick under a slow moving bus.

Feeling as though I am an antelope going back to the crocodile filled watering hole. Even though I know it's dangerous and should not, but lie water I feel like I need it or at least a taste of it. Knowing full well how it could end up it keeps drawing me on longing for more.

Yesterday was the last day of what has been a good part of my life for almost 30 years. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. In my mind I image how things will be but so far it hasn't been that way. For a moment I think how it would be different if it were another. A moment of gratitude that it is what it is because I am not able to imagin it going better. At least no one as attentive. Not even you would be as attentive right? And definitely not muse.

Even though it has been a very one tired week, class was interesting. Feels like more a class for executives that gets to make those kinds of choices. 

Why won't you believe me?

i can only blame myself for letting others have control and influence on me. Letting you effects what I do and think because of how you feel. I should not have accepted their answer and just empowered myself and made my own decision. But I trusted them too much to know what they are doing and want them to feel the consequences of their own actions. A lot of resentment for them and mainly for myself is creeping up because of Chon goon closing and they not being prepared and getting others involved because of it. I don't want to be so helpless that someone else is hindering what I want to do.      I resent myself more than anything.

If there is anything I learn from muse is to empower yourself and make the decision yourself. Today may have been too much for me. Too much to handle. Not sure what it would have done to me. Life is not fair, doesn't stop me from trying to make it more fair for me. But like I said before, you really can't beat the luck. The timing of everything is just uncanny. It's the will of the universe. What is in it for me?

Sweaty

My gawd I forget how hot the building is and so are some of the fellas mewow. Or they have great fitting pants. More reason or a sign to get great fitting pants! Ha or it maybe the heat speaking. 

Unfinished Business

In general I am left alone. Reason I say this because today is because I waited too long to get back into the grind of school and not studying for cpp. Grind away. I read the first chapter of the book lu have me and its my bad, but nothing unexpected. Also steward reading an arrival on business ethics. It's not a bad arrival but I feel like I'm moving in the opposite direction as the arrival that I thought this was a more cooperative loyalty valuing market and I now feel it's a dog eat dog every man for itself world. I know what it's tell By me and what it should be, but I feel I would not get anywhere with being loyal and friendly. I try to be friendly and I get nothing. So why not mak no effort to be friendly and still get nothing. At least not so much wasted efforts.

This weekend was rough. Try to sum it up quickly in a few sentences drained my tear jar in front of lu, posted Chon goon closing and got slammed and worked butt off. Didn't plan accordingly for reading arrivals for class. Will do better. Had convo with pigeon toes and what he's been up to is what I suspected in channels my chrisma and projecting yourself on to others. That's nothing new. Glad he's having fun, just don't catch any crabs.

Butt tired today. Trying to take naps and frnkntwa. Had soda amd ice cream and it didn't seem tthat help. Today was bird banding day and had cheapie ice cream. I'm reminded that you are not even a friend. I'm reminded of the utter disappointment. You are what I make you to be.

Hopefully class tomorrow is not so terrible and I get through it in one piece.

Envy

A part of me still flutters at my muse and I think because there of some jealousy from another group. Spending time with others and others groups of not the same than more. Realizing how popular the muse is makes me think why I can't be as well. What am I doing that is so different? Am I not nice or helpful enough? Trying to discover the hold the muse has over me. It's not as strong as before but still there. Could it be envy? Certain attributes I'm attracted to because I want them for myself? I'm trying to think. What you like in someone, why? You want someone funny to make you laugh, then you want someone smart to say guide or teach you so you can be smart? But you wouldn't say I want someone funny so I can be funny. It's their funny is useful to you. Desired services. I sapose everyone wants different things to either to have or to be. Like to like someone hair color doesn't mean I disorder the person but I do desire the hair. So I guess I blur what I actually like. You don't belong anywhere so you are free to come and go as you please.

But fun fact today, find out muse is a rabbit and just come to the realization that rats eats rabbits lol well on the bright side have an excuse to gift muse. I am not at all stalkerish lol but overall today is still feeling pretty normal. A little unexpected busy but I do like the feeling of purpose. Got kudos today but fairly minor. Still feel some distrust that the numbers had to be verified. 

Stay Hungry

There has been come calm but at the same time some anxious restlessness. Overall yesterday's field trip to the ball game had amazing weather but it was as expected and disappointing. Starting to come more to terms with it and feel more annoyance than endearing. I guess like Cindy, it's bocause you are not around kids often you have more pacients for it but to everyone else it's just annoying. And today was sure annoying. Usually in small doses it's endearing and even adorable but my lord in and hour meeting I swear at least 5 times some moose related Canadian banter. You might as well move up there geez. Over time, I will discover more reasons why you are not the same. Reminds me of Reginas robin. May look the same and but it's not the same person.

Darn noise chicken ended up giving away two teas because she noise away into my business and felt bad for not sharing and then felt bad for not including mom chicken. Oh well, just another way to use things up. Not sure if I will get any points for it. Won't know until you try.

Today was originally anxious over the tax update 17b meeting and how well or lack of understanding of it, but I think it didn't go too bad. Today was really slow. Had not had one in a long time. Not sure how useful I am when there are no projects to work on now. Feeling more insecure than ever now. Maybe it's a sign to refocus since everything is slowing down and may not have the restraint as an excus anymore. What's your excuse now?