Sometimes I feel I should get a nicer car so I can spend more time in it. A place to get away and be alone. I don't want to be influenced by what other are bragging about or what telling me what I should want. Suddenly all these bitter resentful feelings and thoughts come flooding back. The time you choose elephamt over me the times you choose what you should have over what I want. I worry I won't have enough time alone. I got to make time. I do t want to settle. Not that anything is prefect or ideal. Not that I really know what I want but something that excites me. Let go of anything and anyone that no longer brings me joy. There are many things in my mind. There are moments of hope with elephant. Doesn't mean I shouldn't put in any efforts, but maybe more like an last ditch effort without any expectations. I want to look out for myself. Not sure the best way.
I still am influenced by others what they say and think. I find myself holding back due to it. Others at the end of the day want to go home, but I don't. I stress over it. Hence the whole getting a car I like. I don't know if there will be a time where I have thought enough. Maybe try meditation? Learn to calm your thoughts and going no with the flow of the universe. How little control you have on your own path. Struggle against the wind and current. Most of this is just thoughts and mainly feelings of the moment. Usually nothing specific to pin point the cause of this paragraph as I look back so I do want to be more specific if I can.
As I sit in the car in the ramp at work, there is absence of calm and dredging of returning. As if I want to stay here longer. Away from the worries and the rat race of no end. Not like I'm enjoying the race or if I can learn to like the race. I feel this sour sensation in my chest like bitter resentment against everyone. I depended on you and you let me down. When I would choose you, you would choose another. Maybe it's time I choose myself first. Do I not know what I want? Am I afraid of telling what I want and not getting it? Or the fear of wanting the wrong thing? But can it be wrong? What choices do you have? Guess like playing any mmo, is it the journey or the destination you like more? Sure you want to defeat the boss and get the item, but you lose pirpose after you have gone through the levels and collected the set. Wasn't any point in continue to grind or to trade. Accumulating wealth for what? Let's focus on what's in front of you right now, the summer. The rest will work itself out. Like the pod cast said, Monday will work itself out.
I still am influenced by others what they say and think. I find myself holding back due to it. Others at the end of the day want to go home, but I don't. I stress over it. Hence the whole getting a car I like. I don't know if there will be a time where I have thought enough. Maybe try meditation? Learn to calm your thoughts and going no with the flow of the universe. How little control you have on your own path. Struggle against the wind and current. Most of this is just thoughts and mainly feelings of the moment. Usually nothing specific to pin point the cause of this paragraph as I look back so I do want to be more specific if I can.
As I sit in the car in the ramp at work, there is absence of calm and dredging of returning. As if I want to stay here longer. Away from the worries and the rat race of no end. Not like I'm enjoying the race or if I can learn to like the race. I feel this sour sensation in my chest like bitter resentment against everyone. I depended on you and you let me down. When I would choose you, you would choose another. Maybe it's time I choose myself first. Do I not know what I want? Am I afraid of telling what I want and not getting it? Or the fear of wanting the wrong thing? But can it be wrong? What choices do you have? Guess like playing any mmo, is it the journey or the destination you like more? Sure you want to defeat the boss and get the item, but you lose pirpose after you have gone through the levels and collected the set. Wasn't any point in continue to grind or to trade. Accumulating wealth for what? Let's focus on what's in front of you right now, the summer. The rest will work itself out. Like the pod cast said, Monday will work itself out.
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