Good Riddance

I feel as if I am being purposely left out. Not sure the meaning of this but I'm not feeling like I'm being taken seriously or included. Been hints of it all day today. Disbandoment. They are not friends or anyone that gives a rats. I spent a good chunk of my ode worry about what others will think and say about me and trying to stay within the lines to advoid trouble. To predict something that is not predictable. Like stocks. It seems pretty straight forward it either goes up or down and your odds are pretty good. As much as a part of me wants to disclose and share everything. I don't feel I can with anyone without being passed judgment. Am I myself or who I think everyone wants me to be? Or do I not give a f when it suits me? My natural state is to be left alone. It why? Is it learned or is it nature?

I can think and gabble at this all day and night and still not come to an answer. But I do know that this, all of this is becoming hard for me. The anxiety is building. Trying to guess and predict others and being in my head all the time is getting more difficult for me. Sometimes more often now I just want to get things over with. Just ask and to get an answer and be done. No more pondering. No more games. Only what's in it for me.

Realizing the worse case Sanario and there was hints of it today that if knew and was trying advoid, means no or reduced chance of learning if that happened. I can let it happen or be known. It was like trying to tell me there be others and the thing with the door. Are they all not cues? Gotta be able to take a hint. So cold. But just because you are does it change what I am? Let me think about it.