Even though I have been trying to reason myself out of this or just get this to a place that I can just work through it, What am I doing? What am I trying to do? It helped that I had someone to look up to but it's became all too consuming. Where I feel like I am waiting for someone to make the next move. Relying and depending on anthers action before I can decide on what I want to do. I feel like it's myself or I am letting an outside force preventing me from moving. Another semester has gone by and here I am still worrying about the same thing as months ago and has done nothing about it. I feel as though I am paralyzed with fear, being control by the objects I surround myself in a false sense or control.
I don't want to ponder about you anymore. You have taken up enough time in wake and in sleep and I just wait and wait and waiting for something that was created in my mind. I need to think strategically. How and what I can do to better myself and do start taking steps and not let it to just live in my mind. I'm always in my head and am comfortable there. I sense things are going to be getting unconformable very soon. Something impending. I feel as though I need to prepare for it before it swallows me whole. I worry I won't prepare enough or make the wrong choice. I know not making a choice is a bad choice but in my head I feel I still have a choice to make the right choice.
What choice will you make now? I know you long to belong but like all the other times, you don't belong. You are not welcomed. You are not included. It's all talk. No one means any of it. You should watch out for yourself and keep the ones on the good side of the ones that can change your direction. I need to plan and rework some of this. Though I am always looking on linkedin. I don't dare to update it because I do feel I can be chopped at any time. I don't want to add it only to be axed. At what point would you feel it's okay to change it?
The red in my hair has faded and I am back to my normal brassy orange. At first was not liking the new darkness and wonder if I had done the right thing. But it faded quicker than I though and when I was starting to grow to like it I am back to my base self.
I think I need to start with clearing my surrounding and mind. Start over with a clear slate.
I don't want to ponder about you anymore. You have taken up enough time in wake and in sleep and I just wait and wait and waiting for something that was created in my mind. I need to think strategically. How and what I can do to better myself and do start taking steps and not let it to just live in my mind. I'm always in my head and am comfortable there. I sense things are going to be getting unconformable very soon. Something impending. I feel as though I need to prepare for it before it swallows me whole. I worry I won't prepare enough or make the wrong choice. I know not making a choice is a bad choice but in my head I feel I still have a choice to make the right choice.
What choice will you make now? I know you long to belong but like all the other times, you don't belong. You are not welcomed. You are not included. It's all talk. No one means any of it. You should watch out for yourself and keep the ones on the good side of the ones that can change your direction. I need to plan and rework some of this. Though I am always looking on linkedin. I don't dare to update it because I do feel I can be chopped at any time. I don't want to add it only to be axed. At what point would you feel it's okay to change it?
The red in my hair has faded and I am back to my normal brassy orange. At first was not liking the new darkness and wonder if I had done the right thing. But it faded quicker than I though and when I was starting to grow to like it I am back to my base self.
I think I need to start with clearing my surrounding and mind. Start over with a clear slate.
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