So we all know I day dream in absence that these thoughts creep in and most of the time if I'm not doing anything that requires too much attention I let them run their course. In the past week I have seen a rather cold distant irritated version and I seem to realize it's all in my mind and I like the version I created more and it would never live up to expectations. Nor should it. Things in general turn out the way I imagin for better or worse. I just don't have the comprehension to anticipate all the possible moves or outcome that universe could possible take. You even assume you will continue on and there will be more but in reality it could all end suddenly at any time. Time seems to pass so quickly. I want to try to take a moment to document some thoughts that in time will be forgotten.
So back to the dream from last night. Usually they are just thoughts but I think I still long for it and it's okay. I just didn't anticipate it to make an appearance the way it did. Like I said. I still like my own version better than what reality can provide. It was a rather simple dream. Think we we were going to a conference. Div, Jon, Kara was there and was in passenger seat and end up holding a finger. I recall the feeling of acceptance and I was awake. I have my day thoughts of saving a life but this was different. Not sure what to make if it so oh well. Not sure but really did seem distance the last week. Wonder what was on the mind. Don't think I will ever know. Nor should it be my concern as long as I get what I need.
This morning was looking at programming languages to look into. Python keeps piping up and R for data analysis. I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but something to do on the side maybe. Yet I feel like there is so much to learn. So little money to make. Got sql, cpp, query, jquery, now python and R and JavaScript seems to be the ideal combo. One just doesn't seem enough. Python has always stuck with me only I think it because the name is an animal. Not sure if it be enough to get me started but I really need to get moving. With the news from last week, I don't know where I would end up. It's a reminder that the company can do what they want and disposable you are and how little control you have though it sure feels like you do. You are at their mercy.
The feeling of lack of control. Even with the simple things of not being able to dispose of things because it makes you feel bad. The objects are able to control their own destiny better than I can. The things control me. I can't choose what to do with them. I have a hard time doing what I want with them because thoughts of what others will think effects me. To do something because you want to do and accepting to results and not because of trying to advoid or appease others. Often time we do things because like you want someone to have positivity towards you so you go to school and join this club. But would you still have done it without them? Is it out of fear?
So many things I want to do and learn and yet I feel myself spinning out of control. Time being eaten away by fear frozen in place hoping for a moment of clarity and certainty that will never come. A signal that I am doing the right thing. Is it always right as long as I am doing what I want? But what is it I want? To be fearless?
Been in the last month listening to self help podcasts. I guess if there is anything to be great duo for is the phone has helped me to remind me of the need to train your memory. Along the same line been trying to do some strength training. Been slacking off because of the flow but it's better now so I need to get back into the groove. I do feel slightly better now, it was hampered by the bad news from CL, none the less not my problem because no one would give a dip shirt if it happened to me. If the roles were reversed, they would do what was best for them self, their own interest even if it means Chopin me.
So it Mother's Day. Not sure how this day will go. The plan is to go eat some vn noodles and Asian grocery. Nothing too exciting but see how that goes. Also plan to purging what I can easily. Mainly food. See how discrete I can be.
So back to the dream from last night. Usually they are just thoughts but I think I still long for it and it's okay. I just didn't anticipate it to make an appearance the way it did. Like I said. I still like my own version better than what reality can provide. It was a rather simple dream. Think we we were going to a conference. Div, Jon, Kara was there and was in passenger seat and end up holding a finger. I recall the feeling of acceptance and I was awake. I have my day thoughts of saving a life but this was different. Not sure what to make if it so oh well. Not sure but really did seem distance the last week. Wonder what was on the mind. Don't think I will ever know. Nor should it be my concern as long as I get what I need.
This morning was looking at programming languages to look into. Python keeps piping up and R for data analysis. I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but something to do on the side maybe. Yet I feel like there is so much to learn. So little money to make. Got sql, cpp, query, jquery, now python and R and JavaScript seems to be the ideal combo. One just doesn't seem enough. Python has always stuck with me only I think it because the name is an animal. Not sure if it be enough to get me started but I really need to get moving. With the news from last week, I don't know where I would end up. It's a reminder that the company can do what they want and disposable you are and how little control you have though it sure feels like you do. You are at their mercy.
The feeling of lack of control. Even with the simple things of not being able to dispose of things because it makes you feel bad. The objects are able to control their own destiny better than I can. The things control me. I can't choose what to do with them. I have a hard time doing what I want with them because thoughts of what others will think effects me. To do something because you want to do and accepting to results and not because of trying to advoid or appease others. Often time we do things because like you want someone to have positivity towards you so you go to school and join this club. But would you still have done it without them? Is it out of fear?
So many things I want to do and learn and yet I feel myself spinning out of control. Time being eaten away by fear frozen in place hoping for a moment of clarity and certainty that will never come. A signal that I am doing the right thing. Is it always right as long as I am doing what I want? But what is it I want? To be fearless?
Been in the last month listening to self help podcasts. I guess if there is anything to be great duo for is the phone has helped me to remind me of the need to train your memory. Along the same line been trying to do some strength training. Been slacking off because of the flow but it's better now so I need to get back into the groove. I do feel slightly better now, it was hampered by the bad news from CL, none the less not my problem because no one would give a dip shirt if it happened to me. If the roles were reversed, they would do what was best for them self, their own interest even if it means Chopin me.
So it Mother's Day. Not sure how this day will go. The plan is to go eat some vn noodles and Asian grocery. Nothing too exciting but see how that goes. Also plan to purging what I can easily. Mainly food. See how discrete I can be.
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