On the Money

Cake sure looks nice. So yesterday Boris was droped off. Like I expected, he's shy and does his own thing. It will be alright. I guess I been on all day yesterday and to a due nothing. Not bitter really. I mean I am more conceren like in the past once not around and you just trust but it turned out to be something else.

More rantings~
I finally got what was bothering me. Plucked that silly hair out from my arm. Feel much better. Funny how can be on but not around. But it's not like a need, but would like it to be an option. I just want to know so I can move on and not waste time. But I guess you never know if you don't through it. But 2:30pm, 3:30pm?? Is that not nuts? What in God's name would you be doing at that time of day? I know there were mentions of late owl relatives. But still.. It's rather oddish. But whatever is going on it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day, just want you to be happy. Hopefully not at the expense of mine, so I will try to protect myself by letting go and provide nothing but loving kindness.

~Reflections~
There's apart that want to reflect behavior. But is that really the best way? Especailly if you know it's in ill will, but at the same time you protect yourself. Especially if been around all day in a due and you think you can just swoop in and be still waiting there for you? It reminds me of that scene from the chinese show last week with the tree and at the end turns to the one that has always been there.

~Bitterness~
(bet calling/talking to the bf or gf) But either way if it makes you happy then so be it. Doesn't mean I have to take it or at the expense of my own happiness. Because after all, the most important person of all is meself. Can never forget about on self. Do not lose one self. But one this I did lose was that list I had of the things I had to do. What ever happend to them buttet points? But time for class, shall continue this soon. Funny how Barb didn't show up today..

~Brighter Cide~

cHILLIE

Today was really windy and chillie. I not feel well with how the exam with. So much uncertainity. Foget to even check if there were any messages too. I just noticed now there was a derivative exam.. I am so not on top of things right now. I wonder what I will do with myself after all is said and done. I do worry and fear.

Gey

Things were going well today until it pop up again.. so gey. I guess when someone isn't happy, they would want to bring others down with them as well. Each time I think of this, I do this to myself again. Guess there was a hint of jealousy last night. For a second it was on a positive note and then suddnely after knowing some more info, you view changes. You try to make the best decesion and judgement based on what you know. But sometimes what you know is not enough, especially is information is being kept from you to make you think a certain way.

Else today was cool in the morning with a strong breeze. It was like that all day.

Gee Gee Gee Gee

Last night was over at Steph's place till 2am. Watched pigeon play Diablo and I suddenly felt the need to play and jump in as well. But not at this point. But it seemed fun, good memories. But I am reminded by someone I talked to a few days ago that's still on that dragon game. Some people seems to never grow up do they. But yesterday there was a special on Ferria Fauset and her struggles with anal cancer. Made me wonder where she got it and it happens to be from HPV and we went on this whole disgussion with Steph and that's why we were there so late. The idea of it really scared me. Actually made me consider getting the shot for HPV. But after talking about it, I felt a little better about it. But still worry.



Today went to buy the rest of the cards hopefully for someone's graduation? haha. I missed a call about the dog Boris today. Try to remember tomorrow. Else, went to Rainbow and was actually really busy at work. Another interesting topic came up when Moe talked about what to do with her mother after she fell and the bother doesn't seem to want to take care of her. Current plan is to send her to NY where another sister can take care of her.

Overall today wasnt' bad, was able to get 2 packs of my fav choco cover mints. Was actually getting greedy and wanting more than I should, but I resisted temptation and I guess it kind of worked out that way. Bumped into the Girls Generation song on youtube and it's actually kind of catch and all very cute. Speaking of cute, was going through some of moe's magazines and such nice boobage. 6K for new boobs? Else Explorer 8 came out today and to my surprise I like it. Especially how the tabes are color cordinated. I likey. I also like how they highlight the name of the site. Oh and for the first time in a long arse time finally get some bonus minutes! But lets see how long this lasts.

I am having a hard time remembering the name of the show but at first I thought it was a movie, but after some comtimplating, it was a tv series where the guy had an online diary and it always started off with a date and the weather. I wonder why.

Liar

Who's the liar now? It's all miss understanding and miss interperatations for the most part. But you wonder what happened. Maybe it's too different and communication difficulties that make it all the difficult. Well I did say till 2 so I shall wait till then. Watched Transformers today and it was an utter disapointment. It seemed like the same thing over and over again. Else went out to eat and felt all bloated. Took till 1:58. But like the promise I made mayself, I shall not wait. I will not. I need to have more respect for myself and to take care of one self. I was surprised that they had guava flavored lemonaid. ironic today was the lemonaid fair and I didn't get any there, but I knew I wanted to but not at that price. And so later end up going out to eat and getting an even better lemonaid.

But it's strange today how MJ died and Ferria Fauset as well. Makes you think about your own mortality. Anal cancer and cardiac arrest? Scary isn't it? But no matter, lets just go. Get some rest and we shall figure out in the morning.

On a side note, while watching Transformers, how the chick threw herself at him made me thing. Really can't resist tempations especially if it's served to you on a silver platter. And then the thing with Trent and Casandra and how he wants more. And then the strip club story how for a lovely price of $100 you can get head. How scary. The scary things in this world, things you just want to know about.

Hot

Today with the sun beating down on us, it was extreamly hot. Today was the Lemonaid Art Fair thing. It was the same as last year. Though I did see a cute fishy bag. But I know I don't need it. Nor would I do anything with it really. Maybe if it was in a different color, but it was cute either way. I need to resist temptations... But it was really cute. Can't resist fish.

It's funny how you think you want something, but then after looking back, it's not really what it seemed.

Excuses

Do I really beleive? Since when does like to sleep so much? Well true email was not checked, but there could albe other reasons for that as well. That's even more rediculious that would get up to go on a date and not. Guess it's meant to be like this.

But besides more diapointment from the only source of it and this isn't fun anyways. It's not that I miss or anything, I just don't like this. Reminds me of something bitter. But lets not dwell on that. I still have douts and hold reservations on it so I shall not make the same mistake as I did before. I will not think like that. I will not disapoint myself like that again. I will not put myself through it again. I will not be like before. It really has been a long time since I have blogged because I was happy or excited about something. Seems like more often than before I seem down or more dispointed over something... Why am I so gloomy? Such an Eeyore when I once was a Pooh. It's time to be more Pooh like.

Warm

Today is not bad, had some jello and I thought I wanted ice cream, but I wasn't sure. Then I run into this image and it really made up my mind especially at the same time ice cream appears on tv. It's strange today how is not around. Makes me wonder... But good thing America's Got Talent was on to keep me distracted long enough, else I would have been screwed. Thank the the Lord. It was also nice talking to Todos today. Things are not as bad as they seem. But we shall see. Still have some problems to do among other things I need to get organized. Right after Conan.

So I find it strange how my nails are cracking, just like me. I need to take better care and be more pacient. Today ran into Miguel on facebook, so handsome. Who knew a fat MG could look like that. For some reason I always imagined him to be more childish and cute than so handsome. Either way, not like I can do a thing about it. Will try to get an early start on things tomorrow. Goodnight.

Stories

I guess been busy, but I guess it all depends on if there's a story to it or not. I guess it was nice to be able to finally talk for a bit. The heat sure isn't helping today. Wonder when they coming to get the pup? Not like she's bothering me or anything, but I am still ancious. I don't work well this way. I shall continue this in a bit after I find a way to cool down. It's also a funny thing how pops on and off. I know the net isn't very well and sure plenty of things need to be done and people to talk to. Try to be understanding.

I am really way too ancious to do anything. Is it because I worry it be at 10 and that's what I get? Does it really take that long to drive up here? Really am too warm and bloated. It's funny watching Sadie play with her werid little red tube thing. Funny how she can amuse herself so well.

And there she goes. Been set free for a bit. Will miss the pup. I just noticed, it's funny how I am cracking, just like my nails. I really need to toss that stuff, but it gives it character slightly.
Don't assume anything, for there are things you don't realize.

Pointless

I want to keep this one simple and sweet. I guess there's not point in getting on if there's nothing going on. Maybe I am too avalible and I should just start to cut it off. Set myself free for a bit. Remember how it was like to be free for awhile. Try to be understanding, try to be well meaning. I rather cut all ties than deal with distance. This really isn't working for me. I need to do what's best for me and myself.

Puddles

It has been fun having a pup around. Today wasn't so bad as long as I am not left alone. I think I should take her out for a bit. Though whatever concerns I have, nothing can be done. Who is she???.. A ponderance... Cute though I give you that. I know I should eat, but yet I can't bring myself to really. Tired, today has been interesting Father's Day. Pizza and cake. Didn't really go according to plan, but not abd either. Steph came over to visit pup and talked about some issues. Interesting thoughts. Go figure. Is it truely over thinking things and worrying and causing your own torture? Mom asked about that word the othere day as it appeared on a magazine rack. Today I decided to but what I needed as I figure I don't want to wait nor to depend on another besides one self to get things done and taking care of in many aspects I find today.

I think I will be okay. This morning I was feeling better after some streams. The pain seems to subside a bit and some distraction does help as well. But at the moment I'm not taking it very well. It seems to eat away at me a bit. I can only hope it gets better very soon so help me God. May anyone watching over me give me the strength to get through and over come this and all odsticals in my way. May I be able to free myself from my own prison.

Disapointment

Somehow I manage to disapoint myself. As usual setting myself up for disapointment. Does it ever get tiresome? To rid myself of attachment and all expectations. But what to do when you miss? Is to try not to forget the faults and downfalls of it all. To accept as time passes by. Had a strange dream where I was out of breath and couldn't breath. Don't think it was me, but I could feel and see all was happening. Someone was drowning and someone came to give them a breath of air. I could feel myself taking in the breath and wanting more air like it wasn't enough. It was a scary feeling of dying.

Expectations

Being realistic. Desire, craving, and romance makes perfection where it's just not. Creats suffering when you are disapointed. Desire and ill will prevent us from seeing truth. Abandon desire to not see what we want to see. Abandon ill will to be able to accept truth. Anger and ill will pervert your perception. Get rid of fear and ill will to understand. Accept reality. Pain and difficult when you don't accept reality, it shocks you sometimes. Don't find the meaning, don't see the truth, it's more painful.

But I wonder, with no desires, no wanting, doesn't life seem so meaningless?

I predicted what would happen today. I made it happen, I could anticapate it. I create my own reality. I did get much done.

• Tossed out bunch oh cloths
• Returned a big chunck of junk
• Put away some cloths
• I don't want to break the card like last time so I shall leave it alone for now.
• Did rebate and sent books
• Bought lunch and dinner
• Cleaned phish

Not too bad for one day. The one that can smile when everything goes worng. Get some rest self. Goodnight.

Skinny

And I thought I was skinny. It's wierd to see a guy has you beat.

Love: The Empress
Touchstone: Death
Career: The High Priestess

-->In affairs of the heart, you'll feel the need to break with a certain aspect of your past today, melly. Death is urging you to rid yourself of certain restraints that are being imposed upon you by a partner or friend, or to lower your ambitions concerning an established relationship. Luckily, the Empress is smiling on you and encouraging you to act with intelligence and kindness and avoid breaking things off too suddenly or brutally. At work, there's nothing much happening right now. Death is inviting reflection rather than action, and this may lead you to give up some material comfort in your search for the truth. Make the most of the situation to reassess your goals and ambitions - it can't do you any harm.

Even scope is telling me to leave it alone.

Grass Eater

Read this strange artical how japanese men are becoming grass eating men. It's more like a not so agressive geeky introvert type of gey. It might not such a bad thing.

I am getting to the point now where I miss terribly. It's made worse by some expectations I have. I think it's lack of controll to do anything about it. I mean like if it were to happen, it happens and there's jack shiet I can do... Worse fears or them coming true, I don't know which one is worse. Need to find a way to find my own need and not to depend on others to fill it. I need to do better. Why am I so weak? Has made me weak... I am really sad about that... So disapointed...

Funny how just being online makes me feel a wee bit better. Way too dependant... But the peace is short lived. Douts start creeping in and it's over before it starts. (maybe it's else on, or just left, it's all on purpose) Well can't say I didn't try. As long as I have done my part, it is enough. Lets find something else to do then and not wait for him. Oh great, maybe it is true, pop on and off and nothing and gone. Reminds me of someone... even worse. Enough is enough.

Feelings

What to do when everything looks wrong and feels wrong? Yesterday was a bit agitated for no reason really and was even more agitated even more so this morning. Oh the bother. Looks like I wasn't trusting myself and just accepting when you know better.

Your Horoscope - Today, June 16, 2009
Follow your instincts before anything else, melly. Even if you have a tendency to listen more to your sense of reason and thought, put them aside. While your ears can hear words, your instincts and intuition can hear what's between the lines and provide you with a much bigger picture than what's being presented. Even if everything sounds right but feels wrong, you'd do better to trust your feelings. Act with careful consideration and caution.

~It's just not right~
I guess I should have read this before the exam. But it's hard to say. Points are really small in this class. Very heavly weighted. Well all is already said and done. So all is left to do is more reason to do better on the others.

~Ownage~
You belong to me = ownage, it's a fun turn but not really into owning. But to think of other more than yourself we tend to like to forget about one self. To get away from it all to get more done. It's Tue already, hope it's helping with the complection. I think it is. Sure not as painful.

~Shipping~
I think last night I was irritated about spending so much on sending a silly bookage, but it's just money. My bad for not making things clear. (Oh dear neighbor dun leave ur purse laying around)

Waitings~
Somehow I don't want to wait, but yet I do. Is it better to wait? I know it doesn't happen on the other end. Am I just putting myself through this just to feel pain to know I am still alive?

Change~

A change of pace

change of color

change of mind

change of mood

change of heart.

Maybe it's about time I do something different or go back to what worked. Somehow I strayed from it. Go back to how things were. Go back home. Go in peace and loving kindness. Maybe it's time for another round of pancakes or what they call it hotcakes? You can tell from my postings it has really been a mess of late. Even looking at this makes me happying in a quite way. It really helps in organizing and with a single look, I can see what's going on.

Moving~

I need to keep moving. I shall start applying for jobs once again very soon today. But first should update the resume. I leave notes out of Email now since there's always the worry now of one knowing too much. But what is there left to eat? How upsetting some things can be. Is it better to now to know. Well if you think of it the other way around. Is it any more or less upsetting knowing? I know I like to upset myself. But it's a Tue, nothing exciting on tv anyways. But I should eat. That's the major issue of when I get to eat. Or to find another way around it. Just the thought of the potential result of the last exam has me on the fringe again... Hopefully it be better soon. But I did love how organized it was. One of the few times I can say I loved it unlike some other things. But what to eat!

Sadist

Hell of the stingy people. More shiet to put under your mango tree. but where is my mango tree? Just keep working, keep doing. More doing and less thinking my dear. You can do and think at the same time. Fear and Control -> Worry. I just want to feel like I am getting something done. Just keep moving.. No controll = no fear? Acting out of fear? I may think about that too often.



Put up more books to sell. At least I feel like I have done something. But I am still wondering where my little soft purse went. Oh where did it go?

• For some reason yesterday night. Mentions of fat really got to me. I have noticed some weight, but I think it's more because of my eating habbits more than anything and lack of indifferent.

• It was nice talking, and yet painful. As many thoughts go through my head. Reminds of something from the past. Told you not to put yourself through this. Not to put yourself anything that causes you pain. No waiting. No one is worth it. You got something to do then do it. But not for that reason. You keep moving. Always moving.

Letting Go of Fear

Later never seems to come does it? Fear stops us from many things. I been feeling fear since the past 2 days. Finally feel better over the pooch after going #2. Else, sure sleeps quite often. To set yourself free.

Confusion

So has flown away. I figure I would miss more but it's not so bad at all. I figure no sence in worrying, or missing something you can't do a thing about except cause yourself more pain. Try not to make things hard on yourself. It's amazing how timly things can be. I worry about pooch here since all the hural and for most of the day been sleeping. Will take her out for a nice long walk later. I seem a little frustraited on the problems. And it doesn't help to have a smelly pooch around. It's the main reason I forget about why not even I can have one. But this is a good reminder.

Boobage

And so they are not real! It makes me feel a wee bit better.

I think I had too much crackers that's why I am feeling the way I do. So bloated and yet a bit chillie. In a way I feel bad, and something I don't want to admit to. I feel bad for not doing something. Are you serious? All I can think of is a bowl of noodles and cup of noodles. So much noodles. But I really don't think I can eat now. For some reason I am feeling some uneasyness, some unreasonable fear.

Always ask why before you give anything out. There is no hurry. No need to rush. But in a way I guess it was part of the fear I was expecting. We shall see how this insecurity plays out. But till then, take care of on self.

Flashback

Suddenly it hit me just now. There was no reason to ask really. There's no way for to know. Only the one time I was was on, but only that time. Sneaky eh? But I dun think there's anything too incriminating. Or maybe it was all preplanned. It was all a setup. But it's not like I really got anything to hide. I just rather not let it be known. If it's not necessary than I will let it be. In a way it could be used as an upper hand or an insider look into things. It's just too what to call it.. sensative information I guess is the best way to describe it. It's something dangerious in the worng hands. Potentially be very dangerious and so it should be kept safe as possible. Rather not think so much. Either way it's not something major. But seeing the profile will makes me wonder how long it has been there. It really wasn't that long ago was it? But for some reason today stranger thoughts have crossed my mind. How things could have ben setup. How most things are not the way I think they are or appear to be. Not as simple, not so innocent. Are people really that devious?

For some reason I feel disapointed. And that only happens when you have expectations. It's like saying by not loving, one can never get hurt. It's a really touch and go subject. In a way thinking was there really ever a time to check? I guess now is time. But I thought it was wierd. But I couldn't think of the reason for it. And now it's starting to make sence. If it was true, how decetive. But there has been at least been a day so that's enough time. But at least no more now. I did fix it once it was realized. That's all I can do.

It doesn't matter what I think, it's what reality is. Reality can't be changed. No matter what I think or how much I think about it. It won't change a thing and will only tire me out. But I think because of that, it has clintched my decesion to sell.

Anciousness

Worried and ancious about many things today. There seems to be a sence of unrest and uneasyness going around in the air. Let the other day, just yesterday actually. Taking it better than expected, but it could be like one saids, it's because of the calling and staying in touch that makes it easier to get by. But as time goes by, there will be less contact. But I have to deal with myself first before anything.

• I worry about the the doggie
• I worry if I will bleed. This will more or less become a monthly worry at this rate. Always a guessing game wether I will bleed or not.
• I worry about how will react to certain things
• I worry if I will be ready on monday

It really is funny how I dread monthly and now I want it to hurt and to be even heavy. I hope I am no exception to the rule. I hope for the pain, I shall pary for it. It's one of the things you dread as a female and need as a female to tell you when something is worng or all is alright.

Interesting Fear

A more classic image for a more classic fear. But we shall see how long my luck hold up. Was a little grumpy today. And I am not talking about me. But things shall be interesting soon enough. Only time can tell. Yesterday was a lot of fun and learning, but I didn't get anything that I needed to get done done. So I do feel bad about and and yet tired as usual. This was part of the fun and learning. http://youtubehk.blogspot.com/2009/03/blog-post_16.html

I want to understand things better. Am still towarn about it. Better let the sleeping beast lie. Got a message from fumofo and that was one scary idea that Plan B could do so much damage and fail. I know I have been told it's very effective, but at this rate. I am really testing the odds. But then again there are people that have been on it for years on end.

Downhill

Are you glad you stayed? But at least you know it works. But I guess I can check back later to see if my junk is in that pile which should be at the top of it all somewhere.

Lemon cookies
Liz Scott
INGREDIENTS
• 1 pkg. lemon cake mix
• 2 c. (small carton) frozen whipped topping
• 1 egg or 2 egg whites
• Lemon juice
DIRECTIONS
1. Mix all of the ingredients together.
2. Form the dough into balls and roll in powdered sugar.
3. Place on lightly greased cookie sheet.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes or until lightly browned. Be careful not to overbake.
TIPS
You can refrigerate the dough to make it easier to form into balls and roll in powdered sugar.

Something I just might want to try and take a look into because it looked tasty on tv.

Oddiest

I don't know if last night was more shocking or disturbing or what to think. It was more or less expected, but I don't if it was more or less expected. But at this point, I feel indifferent to anything. Like can it get any worse? It always can. I don't even want to look now. Too much trama for one day. One very long day. Hopefully today just take things at chuncks a a time. I don't know if I can take any more trama today. But I rather take it all in at one time rather than bleeding slowly.

I can't beleive I actually got sort of excited over such a low score. But it was sure better than what I expected to be. I can't even get a D in this class =(.. Yet I am still hopeful. On another brighter side got a call from Paster John about dogsitting. Excited about that one for next week.

Funding

Truth of suffering = Life sucks.

Havent reall yhad the chance to bring it up. but what's the reason of bringing it up? How I expect things and now it's gone. Maybe I do need to expierence lost. But I don't want to ruin anything, But I know it's something I need to deal with. It's something I need to get out. Whatever the reaction is I can not controll nor can I really entisapate. Am I really asking from like what it can never give me? I don't want to make things akward. I can not risk making things uncomfortable. I feel very shattered today. Very scattered brain. Got dogged on by a fatty library person today. Not sure where I seen before, but I want to say from somewhere that's more than just a lab attendant. I still feel bad about it going to eat like I don't have enough to eat. But I did say I would go so I better keep my end of it. I know I already kept one thing so I shouldn't try to keep as many or at least not let it be known.