Disruption

Sometimes I feel I should get a nicer car so I can spend more time in it. A place to get away and be alone. I don't want to be influenced by what other are bragging about or what telling me what I should want. Suddenly all these bitter resentful feelings and thoughts come flooding back. The time you choose elephamt over me the times you choose what you should have over what I want. I worry I won't have enough time alone. I got to make time. I do t want to settle. Not that anything is prefect or ideal. Not that I really know what I want but something that excites me. Let go of anything and anyone that no longer brings me joy. There are many things in my mind. There are moments of hope with elephant. Doesn't mean I shouldn't put in any efforts, but maybe more like an last ditch effort without any expectations. I want to look out for myself. Not sure the best way.

I still am influenced by others what they say and think. I find myself holding back due to it. Others at the end of the day want to go home, but I don't. I stress over it. Hence the whole getting a car I like. I don't know if there will be a time where I have thought enough. Maybe try meditation? Learn to calm your thoughts and going no with the flow of the universe. How little control you have on your own path. Struggle against the wind and current. Most of this is just thoughts and mainly feelings of the moment. Usually nothing specific to pin point the cause of this paragraph as I look back so I do want to be more specific if I can.

As I sit in the car in the ramp at work, there is absence of calm and dredging of returning. As if I want to stay here longer. Away from the worries and the rat race of no end. Not like I'm enjoying the race or if I can learn to like the race. I feel this sour sensation in my chest like bitter resentment against everyone. I depended on you and you let me down. When I would choose you, you would choose another. Maybe it's time I choose myself first. Do I not know what I want? Am I afraid of telling what I want and not getting it? Or the fear of wanting the wrong thing? But can it be wrong? What choices do you have? Guess like playing any mmo, is it the journey or the destination you like more? Sure you want to defeat the boss and get the item, but you lose pirpose after you have gone through the levels and collected the set. Wasn't any point in continue to grind or to trade. Accumulating wealth for what? Let's focus on what's in front of you right now, the summer. The rest will work itself out. Like the pod cast said, Monday will work itself out. 

Passive Aggressive

Folded some Jong earlier this week. No so pleased on how they turned out. More lumpy than the previous years but they held together. Found out elephant was getting his own pad. It's not a bad thing. Should really get your own space anyways. So on Friday I had a list of tickets I had to get an update on but apparently no one wants to chew on anything on fridays. Even silky chicken don't chew on fridays and rooster feels the same. Is it bad I'm the complete opposite where I use fridays to chew on things? Guess they will not be much help on fridays. But Friday I had a list and rooster just skipped over it saying it's for another day to work on. It's all like due soon but no... I guess we can't advoid it and will go over it on Thursday. I rather not wait until then but I don't have a choice. Like the other things on the list, as much as on Friday I wanted an answer, there was no answer or at least no one was ready to give me any answers. Usually rooster is pretty good with emails by today then all was dropped and rolled around. At least the ball rolled back. But I won't always have time anymore past 5pm anymore when you are free. Are there just some me things that will get done on its own time when it's ready.

Started to use a spong for makeup. We will see how well that stays or if it makes a difference.  And on a related note. Always feeling scammed. First by lawyer and then by eBay people saying your product is empty. If it's the one where the lid sealed, how would you get it open to see how much is in it? Though it hasn't happened too often. I don't even recall the last time it happened, but it still irks me.

So now is more certain than ever that chongoon is closing down. It's only a matter of time. Now sure how things will be or if it's for the better or what new challenges will there be. I don't like the negative outlook. I'll try to keep myself away free m it and not get dragged down by it. I'm not like you and don't want to be like you. What am I saving up for? What am I scrapping by for? Is it a crutch? I know I'm not there no no more as much barely, but it's still an excuse. I will have to favce what I am when it's no longer there. I need space. I don't know if much would really change, it be different. Either way, need to clear myself so I can focus. Not so many options. No weighing what is better or should do. There should only be one clear path and task at hand. Focus on what you need to accomplish and where you want to be. Data is trending. I never wanted to be health care front lines care my for people as you know you don't even like people, but maybe you would feel different if you experienced more people. Either way, lets work on this one step at a time now. I still don't feel I am any good at this or anything or how I will do any of it. It feels like so much. So many thoughts ideas, and visions. But all seem not obtaining and fleeting.

Overall think I'm healing. It doesn't hurt as much and try not to think too much for you. Pimples are still there. They seem to have gone deeper but with less pain but still there like many things. Away. It not gone. Haven't found a way to really cure it. Do I need to be more consistent?  Then I can use up somethings and toss it. Purge maybe of the physical aspects that holds me back more than the joy it brings. 

Shifting Winds

It's like there has been a  shift in the tides. Many changes in the impending months. In a sense it put some things in prospective. Things that seems like it would not change and are that's a given seems like it could change. Many things in the coming year to change. Not sure how long will play out. Good buy to alone and me time. But in a sense you really will be more along now that individuals are moving out and chon goon closing shop in maybe the next week. Knew it was only a matter of time but it seem so soon and sudden. What will I miss more about it? Is it the familiarity? I won't have it as a crutch anymore.

Maybe the uncertainty has caused me to buy a small pink yoshi. Something familiar. I'm digressing. I'm not all cured of it, but at least today was a little better as muse was not on my mind too much after the morning. There were moments of weakness, but I think I'm being consumed of the changes coming up and the realization became more real.

There are more than one way to skin a cat. Since I'm having troubles with the mind, I will deal with the physical world and see what I can let go of. What can I free myself from. What can I clear out. Scope saids today and tomorrow should be pretty productive. Though a big part of me still fears being not productive, but the the current state is not helping. Do not fear the change. Do not fear failure. Not sure how I am going to do this, but I will figure it out.
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Distractions

Overall today was not bad but I still feel frustrated over things not being done. I wonder should I kept better tabs and maybe I would know but do I really care since it doesn't play into my fantasy really well. Would I still be having these thoughts if have known differently? Like div mentioned daughter and it was sweet how she was brought up to enjoy camping. Wonder why was silent. Makes you wonder but there has to be plans like all Americans do. Hmm. Can I just not be content with how things are now? The dangers of too much of even something healthy can turn bad. Let's not dwell on this and do focus on yourself. It's hard through. I don't think I am honey with myself. Like I'm not the  one to admire bums but recently I find myself being a bum admirer. Is it correlated to a certain individual or an attribute? I really gotta admit gawd so old.
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So just off the phone hearing more compaints. *sigh* testing my patients. It's times like these I welcome the distraction but I wonder if it's making reality worse as it pails in comparison with what I have to deal with. Already withdrawn. At least have something else to maybe to look forward to. Everything is just scrutinized until there is nothing left. Leave no rock unturned.
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I feel recently I divulge too much. Leaving myself open to scrutiny. I thought maybe I would have someone I can be open to but I don't think I agree with much. Not that you are only looking for agreement. I know in my mind I feel I am always right. I know I am not and try to keep my opinions to myself but then again that's another can of worms.
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So I saved this as a draft thinking I will come back and compete it. But it usually has not happened.  The longer I am here, the more I learn and it comes from clicking around and trying things. Knowing makes things worse but it's not you, it's me. I want to place blame but it's just a story in my head that plays out. It can never be and should not be. Even here I can not be so forth coming. I can take a hint. I will take the hint. Just don't let it all go to my head. You are not appealing so you need more work on yourself. I can't help but feel. But as you get colder, it makes it easier.

Pain without love. I may have to drown myself again and kill this if it gets in the way. I'm feeling it does. 

Thranduil

I know what I want to write about, but I want to change my focus.
I am more deterred to eat this week due to a comment from a nosie chicken. But should I let it have such an impact? I'm torn over if I am myself or should even by myself or to please others to get what I want. I haven't been myself for so long I don't know who I am really or what I am. Always trying to be everything others want. What about what I want? Is what I want what others want? Thought about this and am still not sure what the answer is. I sleep because I think I should. I don't get up early because I don't want to be questioned. What if I didn't give a rats about what others thought? At least of the ones that had minimal impact. Does it come back down to the fear of change in their vision of myself that I try to keep it the same? Am I even different or the same, just allowing another side of myself to appear?

All I know is that this is not working. The clutter, the mess, the stuff. I'm not happy with it yet I can't let it go from an emotional and physiological side. I toss and I am wasteful. I keep and I am a hoarder.  I just can't win. How can I overcome this? Why can't I have fewer nicer things? No one will notice things slowly disappearing. Let it go to try to set myself free. I keep waiting for a right time, a better time, but it never seems to come. How long have I kept these things. Even if I was saving it for another, don't they deserve nice new things too? I can't wait for anyone to get on the same page. I will need to make it happen myself.

Don't want your M&Ms to be too organized

I forget the wonders of hair and makeup. Ran into half and half makeup and then the elf costume and oh my. I forget how lovely and ethereal they are. Reminds me of another character. Forget the name at the moment.

So yesterday was wheeling in boredom and wondered what will I ever shall do. And then today rolls around and not enough time for anything. I want to spend some time chewing on some things on my own before I go chirping. But I don't want to waste too much time chewing if I could just ask and get an answer quickly. Difficult to deduct human behavior especially the weird ones. The not so normal and predictable ones.

So for myself, phone is being wierd, dim one moment and bright another. I should organize and check things off my list. If the item doesn't bring me joy or at least should not upset me, it should go. Setting time aside to toss things sometimes works but it's not as productive as I had hoped. Like closet cloths and pants not really productive. Going through sleeping cloths was better and much more productive but then again I don't use it often and was easier to let go and nothing new was bought recently. So at least one thing at a time if not cloths then foood that's not tasty.

Even all this time I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Again it maybe I'm in my head too much and can't separate who I am or think I am to what I want to be or trying to get away from. 

The End is Near

It feels like many things are coming to an end and I'm just cleaning up and packing it up. I don't feel I am very useful at this point nor was I ever. The idea of the company getting smaller doesn't feel like a good outlook. At lease if I make it through the end of the year will have a year under my belt. I should prepare for change. Not sure what is to come. Not sure if I prefer to be busy or useless. But at least got some cleaning done.

Wonder what you are working on? At least today it didn't burn so much. Haven't been on my mind too much today actually. I feel I'm slowly getting better. Not sure when if I will ever be cured. But I got my own tail to worry about. You are the least of my concerns right now. 

Ear buds!

Got to admit this is silly but I was thinking I left them at home and with not much going on today, was going to plug in and organize stuff but could it be due to the lack of music to create feelings in myself I am more productive? I'm not sure but maybe I will find out soon. 

Grounded

I'm not sure what best describes today as the meeting in the morning has shed light on some of my thoughts and fears. Also seeing how Anoka is hiring a marketing director hints at where we could end up or no where at all. The meeting hinted at moving away from the current and to Adp as well as who would go where. It could be just ideas being bounced around. I'm not sure where I would fit in and am starting to worry. This has taken away from idol throught of my muse. The once fluttering pain and become dull when there is a shift in focus. I don't think an updated profile will do anything at the moment. I'm just waiting to be told what to do. I don't know where I would prefer to be as there is much to consider and also it may not be my choice to make. So far today has been pretty good when it comes to being distracted by my muse. Let's focus on what I can do for now in case things change quickly.

I don't know if writing helps but I think it helps to track time. All too often it seems to pass quickly and thoughts and feelings quickly forgotten. Though the thought of trying and failing frightens me. I think the lack of progress maybe worse. Tiny stepts. Don't fear the Change and of the unknown. Clear your world and your mind. Free yourself of objects holding you back. Don't collect for a future that has yet to be decided. May not be around for it anyways. Leave room for the things of now. Not future or past. Memories and potential are hard to let go. Keep ot and you're a hoarder, toss it and you are a waster. I can't do anything that has already here. I can't go back and change it. I shouldn't let others opinion clutter myself. Objects and your opinion don't control me. I will do as I please because I have to. I can't keep living like this. Too much clutter that doesn't bring me joy, only guilt. 

I've Got Issues

Even though I have been trying to reason myself out of this or just get this to a place that I can just work through it, What am I doing? What am I trying to do? It helped that I had someone to look up to but it's became all too consuming. Where I feel like I am waiting for someone to make the next move. Relying and depending on anthers action before I can decide on what I want to do. I feel like it's myself or I am letting an outside force preventing me from moving. Another semester has gone by and here I am still worrying about the same thing as months ago and has done nothing about it. I feel as though I am paralyzed with fear, being control by the objects I surround myself in a false sense or control.

I don't want to ponder about you anymore. You have taken up enough time in wake and in sleep and I just wait and wait and waiting for something that was created in my mind. I need to think strategically. How and what I can do to better myself and do start taking steps and not let it to just live in my mind. I'm always in my head and am comfortable there. I sense things are going to be getting unconformable very soon. Something impending. I feel as though I need to prepare for it before it swallows me whole. I worry I won't prepare enough or make the wrong choice. I know not making a choice is a bad choice but in my head I feel I still have a choice to make the right choice.

What choice will you make now? I know you long to belong but like all the other times, you don't belong. You are not welcomed. You are not included. It's all talk. No one means any of it. You should watch out for yourself and keep the ones on the good side of the ones that can change your direction. I need to plan and rework some of this. Though I am always looking on linkedin. I don't dare to update it because I do feel I can be chopped at any time. I don't want to add it only to be axed. At what point would you feel it's okay to change it?

The red in my hair has faded and I am back to my normal brassy orange. At first was not liking the new darkness and wonder if I had done the right thing. But it faded quicker than I though and when I was starting to grow to like it I am back to my base self.

I think I need to start with clearing my surrounding and mind. Start over with a clear slate.

Endearing

Or maybe not. There has been signs but I feel this one is really the nail in the coffin. If I consider the other perspective, I don't think I would do the same unless I didn't care for it. At times picking I. The small details and other times just ignoring it. I don't think I can be honest with myself even here. It's just not what I think it is and not the same. Infatuation nothing more. Just to use you. When you are still useful. I can still smell it as it lingers. Not sure where else It can be coming from. There was the old  deodorant. Not sure I think I smell it. I think I know why it's familiar because it reminds me of a wet bird. It wasn't a nice smell not particularly bad. Just not nice a reminder. 

Good Riddance

I feel as if I am being purposely left out. Not sure the meaning of this but I'm not feeling like I'm being taken seriously or included. Been hints of it all day today. Disbandoment. They are not friends or anyone that gives a rats. I spent a good chunk of my ode worry about what others will think and say about me and trying to stay within the lines to advoid trouble. To predict something that is not predictable. Like stocks. It seems pretty straight forward it either goes up or down and your odds are pretty good. As much as a part of me wants to disclose and share everything. I don't feel I can with anyone without being passed judgment. Am I myself or who I think everyone wants me to be? Or do I not give a f when it suits me? My natural state is to be left alone. It why? Is it learned or is it nature?

I can think and gabble at this all day and night and still not come to an answer. But I do know that this, all of this is becoming hard for me. The anxiety is building. Trying to guess and predict others and being in my head all the time is getting more difficult for me. Sometimes more often now I just want to get things over with. Just ask and to get an answer and be done. No more pondering. No more games. Only what's in it for me.

Realizing the worse case Sanario and there was hints of it today that if knew and was trying advoid, means no or reduced chance of learning if that happened. I can let it happen or be known. It was like trying to tell me there be others and the thing with the door. Are they all not cues? Gotta be able to take a hint. So cold. But just because you are does it change what I am? Let me think about it. 

Hamster Wheel

What's on my mind has been running around and around like a hamster wheel. Distracting at times. Should keep it at a distance and a realization how before I can be into an anime or series and dream up all sorts and be okay but not this? Think the difference between this and any other infatuation is the interaction. It fades over time as I get less time with it but with this, as soon as I think I have gotten over it, it comes back around like a bad pimple. Not sure what will happen with everything splitting. It maybe good for me but still rather frightening and the worry of being found out that you really don't know anything. Helpless without. How to get through it. Impending doom. Wonder how long before we know. I don't have answers for any of these questions. But I know I need to learn as much as I can while I can as it can end at any moment. 

Monday Will Take Care of Itself

the axonties of the weekend especially on Sunday worrying about Monday among other things. And here I am on a Tuesday and Monday did not fall apart. They took care of thenselves and Monday took care of Monday.

Earlier today wasn't sure what hurt more. Knowing you are there and not listening or not there and not listening? It's harder to come up with excuses for the lather. Gotta question your intentions and it could go both ways. All you do to get on their good side or to get what you want? Both in the same. Results may vary. Things can't always be the same. Would I have thought to say anything if nothing was mentioned. What's the point in saving it for later? What if later doesn't arrive? Gotta believe you will have something when the time arrives bs saving it for a time that may not arrive. I'm not sure if scope saids anything but I'll try to take this moment by moment. Would things be different if I knew the truth? Have to protect yourself from disappointment. Not sure the best way to do so. But you gotta ask yourself why you do the things you do ? Is it really for you? Try to think of the other side. What result would I want? Like I tell ppl about the restaurant, do I want them to visit? I actually do if you ask me. I would not have said anything if I didn't. Would have kept my mouth shut. I may mention it once to be polite but not again. Is hard to read and get a cue from. Could mean anything to nothing. Can only consider what I want and best for me especially in a time of uncertainty to know what's out there. For all I know is a secret recruiter.

I'm suddenly having a moment of dajavu again. All this suddenly seems all too familiar. As if I already had these thoughts and moments that has already played out. Like I feel like I know what will happen. Maybe I have been in my head too much. To lie something because it's similar? Is that a bad thing? Or to like something you admire or aim to be? Is that so bad?

No Regrets: doesn't mean nothing bad would not happen just it won't be because I didn't do anything. If it ends up bad, it will be my doing in line with the flow hints and cues from the universe.

Overall fairly productive today. Hopefully there be more productive days ahead.

Splitting into Two

I may have skipped one, but at the moment it's the new anthem. For the time being when I have my moments I find myself falling out of line, I try to remind myself to be in the moment. To promise me no promises. As much as I may enjoy how things are, it will not last. It may not get better, and may even get worse. With all the pending changes, not sure what would happen to me let along happen to you. Realistically I do really see us broken up as the company splits. What will happen then? Or what won't happen? It could be for the better or worse, only time will tell. I just know the last week has been unusually cold. Not even a bye.  Not sure what's up with that. I try looking the other way. Looking even at a career in another direction. While the optimism was short lived and realizing I am not a programmer nor do I want to be. Just leave things be for now. Work on what can give you the best ROI at the moment with what you are doing. Not sure where I may end up or the direction I'm heading. At times I feel the role maybe a little too general. But lets focus on what I want and not letting the stuff control me. If I say you go them you go. I will make it happen.

Do I not have enough good habits or do I have too bad ones? Back to habits. I do feel like writing does help in getting myself focused more, but at the same time I feel this time could be spent on better things like getting my craps done and not being trapped in my head. What can I purge, what can I clean up? There is just so much clutter in my space and in my mind. Need to physically and mentally declutter. It just seems hard to stay organized. I think for now I just need to organize and get rid of clutter around and within me.

Rather disturbing

So we all know I day dream in absence that these thoughts creep in and most of the time if I'm not doing anything that requires too much attention I let them run their course. In the past week I have seen a rather cold distant irritated version and I seem to realize it's all in my mind and I like the version I created more and it would never live up to expectations. Nor should it. Things in general turn out the way I imagin for better or worse. I just don't have the comprehension to anticipate all the possible moves or outcome that universe could possible take. You even assume you will continue on and there will be more but in reality it could all end suddenly at any time. Time seems to pass so quickly. I want to try to take a moment to document some thoughts that in time will be forgotten.

So back to the dream from last night. Usually they are just thoughts but I think I still long for it and it's okay. I just didn't anticipate it to make an appearance the way it did. Like I said. I still like my own version better than what reality can provide. It was a rather simple dream. Think we we were going to a conference. Div, Jon, Kara was there and was in passenger seat and end up holding a finger. I recall the feeling of acceptance and I was awake. I have my day thoughts of saving a life but this was different. Not sure what to make if it so oh well. Not sure but really did seem distance the last week. Wonder what was on the mind. Don't think I will ever know. Nor should it be my concern as long as I get what I need.

This morning was looking at programming languages to look into. Python keeps piping up and R for data analysis. I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but something to do on the side maybe. Yet I feel like there is so much to learn. So little money to make. Got sql, cpp, query, jquery, now python and R and JavaScript seems to be the ideal combo. One just doesn't seem enough. Python has always stuck with me only I think it because the name is an animal. Not sure if it be enough to get me started but I really need to get moving. With the news from last week, I don't know where I would end up. It's a reminder that the company can do what they want and disposable you are and how little control you have though it sure feels like you do. You are at their mercy.

The feeling of lack of control. Even with the simple things of not being able to dispose of things because it makes you feel bad. The objects are able to control their own destiny better than I can. The things control me. I can't choose what to do with them. I have a hard time doing what I want with them because thoughts of what others will think effects me. To do something because you want to do and accepting to results and not because of trying to advoid or appease others. Often time we do things because like you want someone to have positivity towards you so you go to school and join this club. But would you still have done it without them? Is it out of fear?

So many things I want to do and learn and yet I feel myself spinning out of control. Time being eaten away by fear frozen in place hoping for a moment of clarity and certainty that will never come. A signal that I am doing the right thing. Is it always right as long as I am doing what I want? But what is it I want? To be fearless?

Been in the last month listening to self help podcasts. I guess if there is anything to be great duo for is  the phone has helped me to remind me of the need to train your memory. Along the same line been trying to do some strength training. Been slacking off because of the flow but it's better now so I need to get back into the groove. I do feel slightly better now, it was hampered by the bad news from CL, none the less not my problem because no one would give a dip shirt if it happened to me. If the roles were reversed, they would do what was best for them self, their own interest even if it means Chopin me.

So it Mother's Day. Not sure how this day will go. The plan is to go eat some vn noodles and Asian grocery. Nothing too exciting but see how that goes. Also plan to purging what I can easily. Mainly food. See how discrete I can be.

Changes

Good  things don't last. Bad things don't last. The calm also doesn't last. They make decisions based on themselves and we need to make them for myself too. Today company is basically getting a divorce next year. As the kids not sure how to feel about it. Things were gone no well and now the future uncertain and which side to end up being on if any. Just when you were starting to get settled in. Recent thoughts of leaving and how hard it would be may not be so hard anymore with the coming changes. May not have a choice now. My mind md wanders into the though of leaving em and with being so cold, it may not be such a tough choice or alternative. It's like I wasn't able to shake it and then this impending doom happens. It's as if I have brain washed myself into believing what I am when I'm the still hopeless worm that I am. It's rather disheartening. Busy or cold? Not sure but seems rather cold this week. What has changed? You imagin that things could change for the better and forget worse and realize maybe this as good as it gets. There is no better. This is it. Anything else pails in comparison. 

Despacito

There's no slowing down is there? I think I heard this one before but thanks to Raven I got a new song. I don't think this one will stick with me for too long either. Just not feeling like I won't get sick of it. But what is the real reason I am here? Usually I get into a slump and end up here writing. I'm not sure if this is helping or not or making it worse but it's the first time since the recent weeks of anxiety. Maybe it's more in my mind more than anything. As much time that has been spent on em, there's a feeling of calm and yet more focus on work. There will be another, there is also another just like the passing songs. So I guess, I do prefer this over the lather, but at the same time I am worried could this all change. I'm still anxious about other things to come. I'm not sure if listening to the mind podcasts helped or not. It cant hurt I appose.

Philomena

Remember more by writing it by hand. But it looks so much better on screen. A week has gone by. Didn't seem so long. Was online this week and was pretty responsive . Need some self help. So far it hasn't been as bad or difficult as I imagined or dreamed up to be. It only proves what is on my head is not what is really is. Starting to listen to kwik brain. It's an Asian dude but we'll see if it leads to anything.

Start somewhere
Break it down, tiny habits
Be kind to yourself


New song today from sia from a movie. Didn't think I would find another so soon.