Weary

July. 31, 2017

Today you’re going to be rather unsure about your choices and decisions in matters of the heart, dear mel… The Magician brings a breath of fresh air, either in the shape of an unforeseen encounter or another event that opens new perspectives for you. Seize this opportunity in order to banish any feelings of uncertainty that are a source of anxiety for you. There is no good reason why you should torment yourself with all these questions! 

Not sure why the drafts are not saving. Can only guess that it maybe has no title or connection is sketchy. Eating more today but feeling bloaty. Crackers were not bad but also not very good. Should have stuck with just 2. Today is pretty calm as well. Moments of slight pamtic over issues but got it together and hopeful it doesn't come back again. Else there is a longing for purpose and just waiting for something to happen or to be easy when it's the right time or the feeling of wanting to do something. It never seems to ever arrive. Things getting old and moldy. Not like it tastes better. Got to find a way to toss a few things but it get harder as more are around more often. Doesn't mean it does still need to happen. What you saving it for?


Week 2, Day 1 of the calm. Just feels no tired of the worrying. I don't see myself doing this and see myself bombing this. How long can this be advoided? Been getting mixed signals but best best is that it's going to be hard and your are not good with multiple choice anyways. That's basically what butchered you on the ethics exam was the trick questions. Else the essays were not that bad maybe if you spent more time on. Only has been one day and there's so much buildup on scalp. There's so much I don't think I can keep it in my head. Just keep going over it. It has to stick. Don't want to be here forever. Big chick's comment makes me worried of what she thinks I do. TG is a little too helpful. Be so screwed beyond screwed without. Like you said, not sure if worth being around without.

Really the only one if the way is yourself. Could have been having fun all these weekends but don't due to the things think need to do but don't do. You are the only one holding yourself back. Think and  vomit to doing. Wi ever get to the point that has gone through the foods at home or will there always be something expiring or going bad? The cheese wiz was sure not as tasty as I recalled it was. Only buy things to accompany things to be eaten. Drink the tea been saving. Not like be around much longer to drink it. Drag the books around with you. Peek through it when you can and skim or slip steams not sure of. Can't test ya on everything. 

Guess it's end of day 4 of the calm, but should it not be 5?

Firepit

Day 2 of the calm. Don't let them push you around. Have to get into big chicks head and not let the frog push you around. It's your own tail gotta look after. There is a reason that big chick is 2x the frog. Think this is second time this has happened. Know anal  big chick better to advoid getting chewed up.

there an urge to get things just because it's cheap but again nicer fewer things perfected. No need to be anal on my own things only to the things others will see like for big chick. Don't think put in as much effort over summer courses as would usually but think not having a textbook made it harder and having vague power points didn't not help. Hopefully it be enough to get by. Not like really did learn anything, it's more about knowing some people. On to the next project beyond baking, detailing car and cpp as rest of summer goals. Not much time left so better get started. 

Restart

Yesterday was consumed in panic over paper among other disappointments. Today the calm is back. There were slight moments of anticipation but was quickly dismissed. Didn't even get that much sleep today. It's about 6 hours maybe if even but was mentally there. Did not fold under the pressure of surcome to weakness. Stil expect a faster response or turnaround on a few of these things.

Day 1 of calm. Thoughts of stupidity and even yesterday just what did really see. Rose colored lens either fell or broke. Truely is old beyond your years but what really was a turn off the lack of enthusiasm for the project. Should not be nerding out? It was as if it was out of your control and it will be whatever it will be. Don't even give a rats arse. Suddenly become less interesting. How to keep self interesting. Gotta be interested in one self before others find you interesting. Hopefully the calm and focus will last longer. More productive this way and no one will care or focus on yourself beyond yourself. 

Frick

You may feel like you are ready for your lifetime achievement award because of all the work you have done lately, Mel. Unfortunately, you still have a ways to go. The bottom line is that in the whole scheme of things, even though you may be moving fast, there are people who are moving faster, making it look as if you are barely moving at all. Instead of whining about it, pick up your pace.

So light them up up up I'm on fire

Hopefully they stick around for awhile. Wonder what will happen with the rest of linkin park. When reality hits, it hits hard. When you think you spent a lot of time on something only to not spend enough time. Could have been doing something else vs worring about it not being done. Could have spent 2 days doing something else that wanted to do. It's about deciding to do something and the execution and follow through on the plan that needs work. If it doesn't work, can rework plan or spend more time if need be. 

Irrational Unreasonable Moments

Irrational slightly unreasonable, responsibility irrational.
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So something Hussey said that really was on point about the desire. It's the mystery. The space between. It makes sense because you don't really know and there's so much to know. It's the lack of predictability. To know someone a little less because they are developing. A side of someone you don't know.  The unknown. Desiring the unknown, to know that sparks attraction. Once you figured it out, it gets boring.
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Keep playing these games in the head and having a hard time temporary getting it out of my head. Many other things wondered by and makes you think of how life is so fleeting. tried reaching out to arse, and for a moment it would play out like a movie. It all plays out like a movie in my mind, but in the end there is only utter disappointment. It's always the expectations.  Fear of the unknown future. Always playing it safe. Then the fleeting life aspect comes in and prompts you to do something. To drop hints maybe. But maybe you should just accept what it is. That there is nothing to do about anything. Playing these games with myself. Goes back to to talk about being a well rounded interesting attractive person. Have to be okay on your own. Cant depend on anyone. Will no depend on anyone. Have to do what I have to do to get through this as there is another paper to write tomorrow. Will not let this bring me down. I will resent you for this.

Persevere: Kill them with Kindness
Back to Gomez. The hamster is running around on it's wheel again. More like it got lose and is running around in its ball and leaving turds everywhere. Ran into this song on the radio a week or so back. A sign to find a new obsession? Again I spent enough time on this the last 4 days that had enough of this. Also had enough typing. So close to finishing paper that can taste it. Still got 3 pages of final to go tonight and then some finishing touches on the last paragraph and it be done. Still got some wiggle room on the final paper. Usually would be okay in the quietness but have lost control and can not be left on your own devices. Be kind if you want to. Ask questions if you want to. But don't expect anything in return or anything at all. If there was a time you expected, then it's not coming from the right place.

Relentless Obsession

What emotion takes you to the next level. It comes from the dark side. Talking trash to get into your own head. Everyday do something you don't want to do. Put yourself into that pressure situation. Eat the frog. Increase threshold to high pressure situations.
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Arg

Upset beyond mad that I left the most updated copy at home and somehow I tagged the wrong freaking form. Screw zip files and so many freaking icons on the desktop. Going to stash them away because there's freaking too many of them and can't seem to keep them straight. How long has it been sitting there?  Do something with it. Toss it or hide it as long as its not in the way. When it's getting in the way then we got a problem. Frek. Will have to see how can get around it. Things don't always go the way you want it to or expect.


Sapose ear buds with the radio works best at the library. Didn't work at home, but had yourtube running among other things running around. 4 hours at a time is enough, it's what you get in on a normal workday.

Flakey Competent Confident

Consequence for being Flakey: show interest, but will not wait.
If you stay ready, you will never need to get ready. 
Stand there be cool be James Bond
Desire = as attractive as you are, Standard = not my style, don't move that fast,  Inspire = ask me out again, would love to see you again
Competence = understanding that there are patterns in relations, well duh
Confidence:

• Surface lvl = what people see, how you move and inflect your voice.

• Life Style lvl = things that give you confidence, your job, car, hobbies, skills, house, things you can go back to at the end of the day. What else makes you feel worth while. Work on other parts of your life. Don't be boring. Got 4 good hours of work in a day, other ten was pretending. Accept how pathetic you are. Hobbies make well rounded people, well rounded people are attractive. They will keep you interesting. Combinations of qualities will keep them addicted to you.

• The Call confidence= part of confidence is what you are left with at the end of the day. I am iron man. I didn't lose the tv show, the tv show lost me. Sees the value in staying.

Don't worry about imaginary problems. Deal with the problems we have. Be okay with being on your own.

If you are scaring away sardines, go date tuna.

Overall from this podcast what I got out of it is to be more honest by telling people what you want but sugar coat it a little to not be too blunt or mean.

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Can't believe Chester is gone right when I was getting back into their music. The thought of that being their last album. The thought that his music still lives on though he is gone way too soon. This day has been a dreary one. Keep coming up with reasons for not being able to get something done. Think have gotten use to writing this on the phone vs typing now days. From scope, there is something I want to study, but it's not something would have access to study. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

Been obsessing over a few things today. First was digging through OST for ten miles of cherry blossoms and then it was the A4. It was actually the other way around and then the news of Chester hit. Wasn't sure what I can or wanted to do anymore. Was all consuming. I'm not sure which is worse.

Boring

Going to miss the class groupie. It seems like no matter what effort is put into the papers end up with the same results. Am I not paying enough attention? It's not what I think is important, it figuring out they think is important.

So today is only midweek but it seems like a Friday already. Need to have something I want to do. Something to look forward to. Today was the first time in awhile I'm finding TF rather dull beyond the one or two word as expected responses. Was not really feeling it today anyways. How to get more of the grind done? Eyes are starting to bother me again. How one goes off to eat queso on your own? Well I'm assuming it's on your own. What about tomorrow? Where to venture off to? But I don't feel like rushing. Got a few days to work through it. Got things I want to do but not sure if I really want them, or think I want them, or should want them, or want them because others want them.

So funny thing today or it started yesterday or even goes as far back from earlier this semester that greek fella drives an audi and then saw the white audi a few weeks ago and was hooked. Not sure what model it was as they all start with A something. But I found myself looking at them and now they keep creeping up in various places. Well at least for now until I get tired of it I have something to loo forward to.

Can't Even

What if all I do just pushes into another. Gawd. Great job self. You think you are doing yourself Amy favors. Anywho. Think I'm mentally done for the day. Just so tired of everything. Feeling too unorganized that I don't even want to go through anything. The more I go through it, the more issues I find. Just tried right now and need to reset. It's like should I not stay up anymore if I can help it? Spending too much time preparing for the incorrect things. Pants so baggie. I don't know if i belong here or if I would still want to be here without. I'm thinking I may not. It was easy before and now it's hard and not fun. Maybe it's time to start looking for a way out. Eyeballs tired, too many ch screen time recently. Is it bad to be too enthusiastic? Just great file for some explanation or maybe it should have been really simple and just made it more complicated. In a tizzy right now. Don't need to care what the shellfish opinion. It's has been a year and need to try to go it on my own. Need to find a way.   Without you as your holding me back. Place your opinion to high while risking myself getting creamed by big chick. Don't even feel like going back. Maybe it's the heat speaking. Feels no numb. It's just all too silly.

Not sure what happened but I lost my draft. All is left is pain and suffering and the torment I put myself through. For a week is was actually getting better. I was getting better and then I had expectations and that's when it all falls apart. I would never know if I did not try. Though it's not what you want. Now you know. So bitter and resentful. I see how it is with redchick. I see you for what you are. It's time like these I don't dare have any expectations beyond the ones for myself. No one else will look out for you besides you. No one will be kind to you beyond yourself. The gang at class is so fun. Where to find friends like those. It's like they want to talk to me and answer my questions unlike so others. Maybe I can sweat you out and get a heat stroke in the car or something. It's suffocating here. Finally how I feel on the inside matches the outside. It's quite harsh. No one will miss you when you are gone.

I need to forget you. Put me out of my misery. Get the poison and toxin out. Maybe I should make nice with the prof. Have to confess I can't keep doing this. Sweaty mess at this point. Catch a hint and back off. It will not be repaid.

A sudden breeze. Is it a sign? Sign of release? When a door closes a window is opened. Take the step and save yourself for your own misery. There will be no company for your misery. 

Addiction

Though I can't say most of what the guru has to say is really relatable to me but I can admit he has some points on a few things like my addiction. To even describe it as an addiction is quite accurate actually. Was doing well one week and then fall off the horse. There was even a good reason for it last week. It was all more made up more than anything. It makes it all the more painful. Was more made than anything else. Was hopping for more than I can ever receive. Rather disappointed and even angry and irked. Teaches me to ever do anything now be again for anyone. That showed me. I ask myself was there another option. What else could I have done with them? I think I still would have reguardless. Who else would there be? Setting myself for disappointment. Can't even make a friend. How I always get into this bind time after time again. I'm starting to get angry at myself and the muse. The stupid stories that are going through my head. Time to create a new story. Not sure where I'm going or how I'll get there but as long as I go somewhere is all that matters. I really didn't expect it to be that cold. Was green with envy when suddenly just out of no where to joke around out of your way and even to leave notes. Good gawd the envious green was raging. So what about the ice cream. It's not special. Not like red chick would eat it anyways. Suddenly red chick is more fun when muse is around. Just give me a freaking break. Just so raging now at myself more than anything. Worse of all it's self inflicted damage. Three more sections left for the paper. Not sure what it means on industry and resources not company. Maybe ask someone. Only got a week left. It has been months and have not made any progress since the first week. Gawd damn it. The indifference and just plain coldness. If there's not going to be any meaningful convo then eff off. I can only hope that I don't get sucked back in. Pray for the strength to get through this. The anger, the cold, the resentment. And yes I did expect a little more gratitude. But if that's how it's going to be then eff you. I want my return in investment and if it's not going to pay off then time for a new investment. Minimal maintenance as needed for now. I'm done with it. Enough of this. I got other activities that may have some actual return vs realizing you are just like any other. No different nothing special. Feeling overwhelmed sadness suddenly where I'm filled with tears feeling sorry for myself after spewing this all out. How pathetic. How stupid. How dare you spend your time on this even. Still want a good relation but it still maybe the same with or without your efforts. But it was a lot of effort. See if you would get it again. You're like that with everyone. Realize that sooner than later. Growing numb and resentful. Not a happy camper here. Please give me a break. I don't think I can do this anymore. It's just so sad. So sad. So really sad. How long will this last? Can't do this anymore. Slight joy with lots of anxiety. It's not different special or unique. It's like that with everyone. 

Rough

This week overall has been rough especially on wed when the off cycles broke. As much as I may hear to take it easy during the summer and as much as I want to believe it, I can not. Always have to be on guard. Can not let anything slip by as you never know what will be checked. Can not be so lose on anything you do or review especially on anything requested. Must do things for myself. Like last night was thinking should I share. Part of me thought that was the right thing to do. But part of me thought hey I deserve it. At the same time again slight bitter disappointment when rather watch biking. Oh well, old folk activities.

This week has really been unproductive. Part of it is the hesitation to ask or to push. The pathetic longing.

Prep explanation for refresh
Retire mapping gl error
Can b&c stub
Short one uat for accounting mapping 1133
Test Delores time file
Refund form
60s issue

Have a few things reguarsless if I am missing anything or not to chew on

Discern

There's this terrible part of me that's like waiting for something to happen. There was a time that didn't give a rats but it's kinda like the more you think you know old habits kick in. To discern more and to focus more on what I want and what needs to happen for me to be more important. Think the only way is to push through the pain and focus on something that has a better chance of better results bs rose color lenses. Think last week was better as was more preoccupied. Doom is near. 

Slow Achiever

Really no sense in saving something for the idea time if it ever arrives. Can't be bothered by what others are or or not doing. Think overall have to be more interesting. Like said so many things happen and you need to carve out the pieces that are interesting even if you gotta play it up so you have something interesting to say.

Maybe too much Hussey videos and not enough focus. Didn't touch anything remotely that was school related today. Oddly enough the radio for the time I was listening to it was playing all my favs.    I feel mayself getting anxious and impatient. I just want to get things done and over with while putting off other items. There really isn't anything there and the whole move slowly to see others solutions or alternatives pop up to step back to see where all the pieces lie holds true for this situation. I'm my mind I want to impulsively take action but it reminds me of the videos of being too much in your head and planning out things too much. Maybe everyone has one. No need to say anything until they are in your hands. God forbid they know of it. Knowing will only be utter disappointment. But seriously, like you winning anything means something is up that it's a mass lottery that everyone won. Too bad you were no different.

It's funny when I thought I had quit you. Well not really just under control when the first thought my mind wondered to. Of course it is not anything like in my head but it don't mean I can't still plan it or let it play out for fun. Always disappointed at the end of the day when I'm left with nothing. I am struck by how much fun the summer group is. I want to know more. Why is it not all groups are like that. Is it being by familiar faces or accounting people just lame in that kind of way. I'm still not sure what they all do. I should find out.

It really is all my fav songs. Please have mercy on me. Please don't put yourself through this anymore. The heat is killing me. I just need to get away. What can I toss? Cleared out some food today.

-Check on crabbie
-stalking
-toss something

Deception

Had some minor bumps this weekend mostly on Saturday when watching external love for a bit and found myself wandering. But it's doesn't have the pull like it did before. On Sunday night got a little too couious but it didn't do anything didn't help or hinder. There is so much you don't know. Interesting but not like it mattered. You only know what you know. Overall mostly calm and was able to shift the focus realativly easily. The longing is not as strong. It's more curiosity level at this point.

These eat buds are sure not good at all. There sure has been progress when it comes to eat buds. I'm never t sure if I should put some things off or try to work on them now. I think I should do them now as the impending doom is arriving sooner than later. More focus on organizing and cleaning. If I learned anything, really don't get much done there. Was able to get a few things looked at, it's better than nothing. Most of the progress really was done away when I can hunker down. can't work on this in the evening really. Don't have the alone time to do so. Not sure if getting your own place the answer. At the moment have to do what you have to do.

Is it a bad sign that the activity tracker stopped working? Focus on the tasks at hand. Be one with the activity of the moment. Don't let it scare you. Like so far the company paper isn't as bad  as you thought. You learned so much about the company and plowed through that annual report at a day care. You didn't think you would be able to get anything done or focus but you did. I'm reminded of the arrival of working at the new you're times and how they sit in an open space with noise everywhere and yet they are able to get stuff done. It's due to that they are able to focus on their own task.

Utterly disappointed with how I was not as prepared for the exam. It could have been so easy and there happened to be so many questions on the same topic on the stages. I really can't let that happen again. The prefer chick seems really bright. Not like I didn't get enough sleep, more like not enough energy. Tried to work out a bit even. Maybe I should just eat in the morning. I can't seem to bring myself to eat in the afternoon. Not like there is anything I want to eat. Think I need to plan this all out better. This is gonna my to be a rough week. The heat, the smell, the tiresome. Some of it could be due to the bleeding but I am overall feeling numbed amd cluttered. Starting to get worried again. Looking at the time makes me even more worried. What am I holding back for. What am I waiting for? What am I saving it for? 

Scrum Master

It sounds odd yet interesting at the same time. Not sure what to make out of it. Anyways quite a few questions today but maybe it's just to pass the time. Not sure if I have the right answer but will have to be more mindful and not come off as complaining or negative. Else it has been day 4 of another calm day. No flutters or rose lenses except maybe a few with the drive in of random trivia setting. So random.

The mood booster song list is rather odd and hippie like. 

Disillusioned

Today is basically day 3 of the calm. Last night I would not call it a slip up but some axanties from just the paper more than anything else rocked the boat. Overall feeling ok today. More clam still than the past weeks. Thoughts of all the things I still have yet to do worries me but I'm trying to just intently just focus on the moment and whand to do not and not worry about the weeks ahead. Like Monday, it will work itself out, doeamt need me to worry about it. I'm. I'm not sure if it's due to dropping the rose colored lens that it all doesn't seem to interning anymore that it has all played out or that the lens has changed ? It's not exciting anymore where it would be something I looked forward to but just getting cramps done. Rather indifferent at this point. Pants are still nice but it's not the same.  It also could be those videos on traction and realizing it's not there.

Let's see what I can work on today. Hopefully be as or more productive. To get a section completed but maybe better to look at some samples, not like would k ow what the true intentions are more would they let outsiders know anyways. Today is teeth cleaning day. Hopefully no cavities. Know have not been doing  as good of a job that I could. What else can I toss? What else can I let go of.

I knew i jinxed it. Dodged the bullet lonm enough, only a matter of time that you get shot. 

Bes

Scope "Try not to get too bogged down by other people's negative attitudes and clashing opinions." 

Taro: At work, today is marked by a need to take stock of your position. The association of the Hermit and the Emperor suggests that you should take a little step back to establish your strategy for reinforcing your position and to plan better for the future. With perception and impartiality, your battle plans for your career would do credit to Napoleon. Give yourself a pat on the back!

Well someone is being a little baby today. What crawled by you arse and died. Was too much being asked? It really should be a simple update to the name seriously. Why would it be so hard to change! Try reading once awhile these. 

Been thinking about what direction I'm heading if I'm even going anywhere. I can't really what podcast it was but I feel it really helped in getting focus and another part in time and space from muse and topped with the coldness from today has sealed it in for a bit at least. The last two days been feeling more free than in the past days prior. The axanties were debilitating. The last two days my moms has been more free to focus. There has been more flow and less resistance. Was able to go from one task to another more freely and do the things I want to. I was feeling okay in the morning but as the day wears on the axanties are creeping in. 

Revenge on Life

I want to reduce screen time. I want to throw things away but I'm much too effected by others opinion. One option is to get it done in the morning. I don't want you to keep things that maybe used years later. I don't even want to keep polish to be used later. Some colors are the reflection of my inner self that even the keep to myself. Things just need to disappear. If it's not good or am excited about it, then it has to go.

I'm upset that the mole has returned in my finger. I may attempt to remove it again. See the sedition makes me just bitter and resentful of myself. I don't think it's can stay here. I may just need to spend more time in the car somewhere. I can't even deal with the clutter. I do really need to mind my own clutter. It's as like I'm frozen. Though I don't really know you and from what I have seen in public, there is a lack of filter and more couriosity. My face is in pain. It's like a dry pulsing pain.

Maybe I need to drive no more water. I'm also breadless. Already had some crackers.

7  to a bulletproof life

Have purpose.
How you interprete
Resisting and lack of trust. Less fear more faith. It will work out. Trust the process. Embrace the curveball. Be in flow.
Confront what is in your way. Self or others. Be truthful.
Expand comfort zone, challenge limiting beliefs
Choose to be enthusiastic

So I guess if you are always going to be here then I won't be here. At least the last session got me up to take care of myself at least and some slight progress. Don't be like them getting lost in the screen and lacking any progress. Focus on what needs to be done in the morning. What to eat tomorrow.

Push your body to its limits once a week.

Think I'm growing bitter and resentful because are too similar and have the same bad habits and or picking up all the bad habits. Why can't I pick up some of the good ones or better one bs all the bad ones. Need to learn to not give an f. I know Nosie chick prevents me from getting and going to the freezer and even eating.

Get gas

Summertime Saddness

It's hard to say what you want without sounding mean or being too passive and not getting what you want. But today I'm so afraid to eat. I'm effected to greatly by others comments. I just don't like the attention for this particular area. I'm not sure how to get over the judgement. There are a few things I want to do this weekend. Some fun and others not so much. Chew on this one piece at a time.

I shouldn't hours question as now I just have forgotten one. I swear there was three  questions. What was the other one? Maybe looking over my craps something will speak to me. Goose seems to have taken a liking to the new accountant. The one that left was also an accountant. Maybe there is an pattern. Let's just send it all off and see what happens. At least it's not in your court anymore. Just push it off and leave it be. The first stall is so popular. Now I know. I'm really no different. Try to take notice of your own behaviors and what others are doing and reacting.

Looking back the few months already it seems stilly already. I tried fighting it and just lettIng it be. It really can be all consuming. Writing is said to be able to help. I sure hope it does. Looking even further back ten years it seems even more silly. How things could be different if I focused on the self more. Someone needs more fiber. Crap. Was my call at noon? A slight moment that I felt like Channing the time of it, but I stop myself of this habit of running away and putting things off when you should face it and get it over with.

So the call wasn't so bad. A little longer than I wanted but I got through it. Anyways, since reading the lean in book and someone being passive aggressive I'm a little irked. Just say that you rather do other things. Let's just be up front. Don't owe anyone anything. Can't believe it's almost 2 already. So much to do.

Lush Life

It was a crush
But i couldn't get enough
It was a rush
But I gave it up

It was a crush
Now I might have to give it up
But that's all it was
So I have it up