By the Dust

Sick and Tired

I think I have really become sick and tired from all the worry and stress I create for myself. I am not even healing properly. I hurt between the fingers and the legs and it hasn't really gotten much better. There's even a bump on me forhead. I want to go clean some things up and then have some ice cream. I hope this week goes by as quickly as possible. I am tired or worrying. I am ao darn tired. I don't want to care anymore. I want to stop caring. It's just too tiring. Not like the other end is helping either. I spent too much time on worry and tire myself out to do anything and make myself weak from it all. No matter the outcome, it will be shall it be. Stop thinking, stop worrying. It needs to be done eventually. It goes both ways.

I am even too tired to write anything more now. I had my ice cream. It was nice. At least someone did try and it at least gives me a small sense of tempory comfort. Soo how long it shall last.

Luck

How much can you take before it hurts too much? Does it have to even hurt? It really doesn't. Already seen what I need to see today. Enough is enough. Field trip time. Be back soon love. Like they say, it's better to be lucky than good.

Not so creative with titles eh? How strange that I can't past anything.

Daily Planetary Overview
With Venus trine Jupiter today, someone will be very helpful. This person will be a source of wisdom and knowledge. They will act as a guide and give you advice on important matters. You'll have an easy, affectionate rapport.

Your Horoscope - Today, July 26, 2009
Do not downplay yourself or your abilities at this time, melly. You are on the brink of greatness, so act like it. Things should be going quite well if you let them. Don't clog up the works by thinking that you are unworthy of the good luck that is sure to fall your way. If things don't work out exactly the way you wanted them to, take this as a sign that the situation was not right for you anyway.

~This is interesting. I wonder what I am feeling is real or just an illusion? I am not really sure. But I did have the thought before that if it doesn't work out, then maybe it's not for me and here it is. Like it has been watching me. I shouldn't worry about it. I will make this all work out one way or another. Things have a way of falling into place weather I want to beleive it or not. I worry over things that at the end of it's cycle, all end up where they belong, as painful as the process maybe.

Love: The Devil
Touchstone: The Tower
Career: Strength

If you don't temper your enthusiasms today, you'll be on the road to disaster, dear melly. The alliance of the Tower and the Devil indicates some excessive behavior on your part that won't be appreciated by those around you. This will result in harsh words and raised voices, and maybe the slamming of a door which you will live to regret. Jealousy is a grievous fault. Try and realize that before it's too late. At work, the difficult influence of the Tower brings problems with personal interactions, missed appointments, and misunderstandings… You really need all the perseverance and the determination that Strength can provide in order to not just throw in the towel. That kind of unstable environment demands a lot of commitment, organizational sense and determination from you.

~This is all too familar scene. Loving kindness dear. If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. You can't ensure anything. You can only say that you tried and then blame the other person. I don't want to ever hear that you didn't try hard enough. That's also something that's all too familar. But I don't need to answer to you.

~Early Bird~ What's with the wierd spacing? How strange, but everything else looks okay. So what to do? No matter, I will make so with it. So this morning was dragged out of bed to watch Peigon weight lift at the gym, but that work out. No instructor and Nick and Christine with their 9 month old was there too. And I was all excited with my camera and everything. But the day before, I had a feeling that it wasn't going to work out. Not sure why, but I just knew it wasn't going happen. In a way I didn't really want to do once it got late in the evening the night before. I could be just sheer lazieness and I didn't want to go because I was tired and was hoping he would forget or cancel, but he didn't. But I did end up getting a turtle mocha. It was okay. I got all the ice at the bottom. And we got to see a hottie coffee girl with plenty of boobage. Ended up trying to look for some work cloths at Pennys. Else, todays trips were quick for some reason. Was in and out, and not much dinkering around. Spent quite a bit. But it was very effecient. Well that's that for now. I should go clean out a bucket and then pack up my cloths. Hopefully I can get some research done or better some vocab so I feel like I got something done and I won't feel so bad. I want to get confirmation on where I need to be next week before I blaze through the company info. I don't want to spend time on something I don't need. But maybe it's something I have to do. But it shouldn't be too difficult. Please don't it hard on yourself.

~Frustrations~ I am still really urked. I know I shouldn't be. But I can't deny the feelings. I know I can make up some things in my head. But I will wonder, why no responce? Maybe it's the same reason. Maybe I need to find a new muse. Got a text from Ian. Thought that one was forgotten. Should it be someone else? Maybe it's a sign. To be less concerned. Think like a misstress. It's a way to protect yourself at the same time not be too attached. You are like the extra activity as I seek out other activites as well. Guess never went through guidelines of exclusivity. Oh well, better go get some things done and then I can lounge and watch some cartoons. I don't want to wait anymore.

~Nervious~ I often had wondered why some maybe anxious before an interview and it's becuase so much is at stake. I didn't think I would be in that position and always thought I would never get into a situation I would feel that way. It's the waiting that kills. But I really think reading up on some things and getting things done will make you feel better and it's possible to acomplish thoes things. By dwelling on it, you make things feel worse. You know you are too much of a thinky feelie person. So lets get some action going dear.

Hassle

Okay so I haven't written much this week. But I have good reason for it. Have so much to catch up on. It's almost distressing. See this is the reason I don't want to apply for anything. But in a way it's if you wait, it maybe gone. But then new oppertunties will appear. So either way it's okay. But I don't like how I have to drive around so much. Too much to prepare for. I shall finish this off at least try to when I get back from visiting the Chinchilla. I need to make some bread and then take a shower before 7pm creeps up on me. Filling out the forms sure take up a lot oh time. Would they even bother with an interview if they thought it was a waste of time?

In general, for the past week, I have been pissed. After the hang up, I didn't feel like much anything at all. All this trouble. Now I am all bothered by all this craps. Phone call this and phone call that. Do I really have freaking time for this crap? I got enough to deal with next week and I don't need it. I do hope nothing goes through. I just don't want it at this point. I can't prepare enough to get it done the way I want to and I don't want it badly enough. I don't want to make dittly squat just enough to make rent and eat the crap I have been eating of late and screw myself over like what happened last week. Freaking hell. So that's that. I know there is more. All this over one thing someone saids and I drag myself into this mess. But I shall leave it be. No use beating myself over it.

~To the Zoo~
Went to visit stephy this evening or more like her growing zoo. it's funny how I was the one to use to have the zoo and how things are switched around now. I don't want to have such desires. The chinchilla was cute, but not as friendly as I would want. Got spiked by hammy and petted snake. The parekeet was hissie. Snaked pooed and it was grose. Who knew a snake could even poo so much? The chinchilla has tiny gerbil poo and it smelled like marshmellows. Else everything was nice, plenty of PDA. Enough to be sickening? There was a slight oddish with the bedrooms. But this it's safe to assume. But no matter it's all good in the growing zoo. Pigeon had a change of plan but then later bailed on us to join the guys in drinking. Sunday morning he's in a weight lifting challenge thing. It should be ammusing. I only want to go so I can take picts for him. And it can't hurt to see if there's any cuties to peep at. Not like there's any here at the moment. Paulie bought beer with his buddy and some tea thing for steph and it tasted bad. It's at least sweet he at least got her something he thought she would like. It was funny how steph mentioned that Kristine wanted to help plan steph's wedding? Also with the whole incident with the kidney stones which I didn't really mention before, but in general paul ended up rushed to the anbulance to the hospital without insurance with about a 2k bill. Sadly I have to say I dreaded the worse. I don't want to think that way, I really don't want to. But I know it's a part of me I am working on to teach.

~Pottage~
Potted a bunch of plants today. Can't say if much or anything happened today. Got a call from the learning center about sone questions? I better listen to it again to be sure. I forget to look up the loan letter. Gotta take care of things yourself. But it just so pisses me off when people don't let me look at my own just or let me know my own junk when they already open it and don't freaking tell me. Then don't freaking open it. Fak it! I just do it now and take care of the carp shit. How can you get it worng when it's 2/10. How can you think it's 02/09 when it's already freaking passed. How simple things can be so off. Just leave my own things to me and let me deal with it. Relax. Things are usually not as difficult or confusing as it seems or as bad.

Where to start? Lets go backwards. This week of late, especilly the sides of my nails have been peeling. It's irritating. Like how many things are of late. Seems of late I have been moody. How little things irritate me. Forms annoy me the most. No use telling someine that's not around or can do a thing about it. Or more like the one that got me into trouble. So trouble some. Maybe this is my punishment.

~Dance~
So this week, was inspired by a song yesterday. Or more like it was earlier in the week. My neck feels sticky, I want to wash it before I sleep. I am too irritated to sleep. Good thing tomorrow isn't sunday. About the song, it was actually from "So You Think You Can Dance." The whole ballywood thing. Who knew a PussycatDoll song could be so catchy. So that was something that took my mind off what was bothering me for the evening. Earlier this week was feeling hopeful like I acomplished something. But it was all too soon busted. But then I got hopeful again and then disapointed. But Jai Ho was something that got my mind off the irritant and something that poped into my mind that I really didn't consider much. It's a profrssor I won't say. Never thought of it that way really before. The idea has crossed my mind before, but never really gave it any realy though. But it was kind of scary when I started to think about it.
But overall, the song did make me feel better and gave me a sence of hope I haven't had this week.

~Choices~
The choices we make. Doesn't matter as long as you are the one to make them and you can live with them. I can not let someone else decesions and choices affect the ones I make. I must do it for my own good. But can knowing what others decide help me make a better choice? You will never have all the information as much as you want it. You can only make sue of what you have and do the best you can with taking care of yourself the best you can. There will always be something you wish you knew, want to know. It can never be complete. So how much is enough? By putting myself first.

~Strained~
So after being scolded, I went and did what was wanted out of me. Does paul ever scold? It makes me feel as if I am not enough. So I try to prove it worng? I am not doing it for the right reasons. I really need to be more careful of what I am typing. Silly errors. Always leave youself with a choice. Don't back yourself into a corner.

For now, take care of yourself is on top. Don't worry how others will reply. You can do nothing to control such things or affect the outcome..

Family Secrets

I shall finish this tomorrow as I am so very tired. More like emotionaly drained.
Family secret epi, class burger, meaningless email, pancake dinner, resume sending,

Letting Go

Sure this isn't an new idea. It doesn't look good at all. For I am have warned.

Love: The World
Touchstone: The Tower
Career: The Star

-->As far as your social life goes, nothing seems to be going right any more. The alliance of the Tower and the World inflates your ego and you’re in no mood for contradiction or reproach. At the slightest obstacle, you get on your high horse, spoiling for a fight. Careless words can easily be blown out of proportion, melly, so if you want to spare your relationship, learn to be more tactful. Everything’s at cross purposes today at work, as the energies conspire to disrupt your self-assurance. The joint influence of the Star and the Tower denote ill-contained aggression. If you don’t manage to control your emotional state, others will see you as volatile and unpredictable and as someone who cannot be trusted to solve problems in a reasonable manner. Take that as a warning ...

Realization of your own emaotions, maybe the best way to combat this. But is it the best way to deal with this is to fight it? I have to pick my battles and not go to war with everyone that stands in my way. After some salad I do feel a smudge better. But I feel as I should eat more, but I don't know what else. I know it all doesn't take long. It all shouldn't really take long once you get rolling. But it's the fear that holds me back. If I try. If I give it my all to no a due. Can't you blame me? They all say the same thing. As long as you try. But we all know what they are all truely thinking is that if you try, there is no reason you you to not to sussceed. You fail because you didn't try hard enough. So there's no pleaseing them. I already feel bad enough. And all this doesn't make things better. But I am better. Really I am. I do not blame anyone. Especially not you. I know it's only because you care. I can feel it. Yet the more you care, the more it hurts. The more I fear I may disapoint you.

So lets not beat myself over this. It shall be done. I know in a way I can get into the swing of things and I can see the many ways this can play out. I can see myself blowing up and saying the most painful things. And then I can see myself loving with understanding and compassion. How I want to be and how I am may not be the same. Always room for improvment. It's evening gloom now. Stormy. I shall rest on this for awhile. Chillie. I do hope his trip goes well and he gets an apointment in. Please be happy. I don't wish to bring anyone any pain. Especially you.

It has just started a light rain. The kind you see in the movies. Reminds me of someone that said to me once how he liked to sleep when it's raining. I hope it lasts a bit longer.

Be Beautiful

Part of the reason I think could be because I lack of eating. I know a downturn of all this is the lack of nurishment. I don't even want to listen to it. I don't want to have it running in my head. Just want to leave it be. Understand, doesn't mean I agree with it. Before I could have blamed it on not wanting to be seen. But now that reason isn't there. I don't want to do anything for anyone buy myself. That was there is more justification. It's rather gloomy out today. I don't want to depend on you anymore. I know it isn't easy. Seems so minor, so silly. Maybe it's all just too much. Lke before, I just don't want to admit it. Like it's not enough. But I know it's part my end. I know I haven't been holding up my end. Can I change? Will I change? I still don't want anyone to effect my own feelings and views. To affect my actions. I guess if I were to let it, I would have gotten off. Else I may have left it, and so I shall go on as I have. On my own.

Burden

Most of the time, really nothing in common. Else other times there are funny uncanny resembelance. But most of the time, it's a strange thing. It's more like a love hate thing. Not really sure what draws them in. But in a stange unfashion kind of way, there is maybe just a thing for wanting to change one and one self. Not sure if this is the taking in the injured or hapless animal in the side of the street and wanting to nurse it back to health thing or a thing for wanting the unwanted. It's an uncanny thing. I try and fail and don't try and fail. What would Ajahn Brahm say about this? I know it's a stingy situation. I don't really want to do anything for anyone besides myself. It's me the one I have to live with. While others thrive on presure. I think I am better with persuaion. It maybe a good thing for there few days I take the time to think about the reality of the situation in all aspects. I know I have a tendcy to live in a fantasy and dream. But at times, I need to give myself a break, so it's not a bad thing. But like others have said I need to realize the burden of all this. Can I live with this presure? Why one like this and what happens when you don't live up to the expectations? Is it really good enough just to try or is it more just do it untill you sussceed? Think had enough presure for today.

Care

Think I need to displace some things. As long as one is happy doing what one wants, how can anyone say it's a bad thing? Bad for ones self maybe. But I can get over it. But why do I have to? At my own expense? Or maybe it's not so bad. I was able to let it go before. Can't say it was easy or didn't hurt. I am trying to decide if I should go out to eat. I still have the same disalusion of eating in front of others. The motion sensor sent is a good idea. And they even added a protective part where it doens't go insain and with every little movement it sprays. I figure that I should try to get every little thing done possible so I will run out of things to do and be left with the things I have to do.

It's the paralizing fear. It's strong. Very strong. I know I will regret if I don't. Do I want to shower now or later? Better to just do it now. Gotta get it done eventually anyways.

Pouf

Revisited a song I ran into this weekend and didn't really like it or the characters in it. But I felt it was a sign I don't Care by 2NE1. Creative name eh? I just noticed that. I am slow eh. Through I don't have a perference to the characters like Girls Generation. They are not cute like them. I do like how one ounches. It's something I feel like doing. But it's starting to grow on me. I tell you it's a sign. After listening to it once again, I was motivated to write. Maybe all I needed was a simple song. Although idealy I wouldt not want to be doing this now, but it's how it is. I can slowly feel myself caring less. The less I care, the less damage I can do and can be done to me. I must at all times protect one self.

Bitterness~
I was bitter yesterday how usually a simple message can usually make me feel better. But yesterday one simple message had an opposit effect. I think that was it that created my writers block where all I could get out was one sentance. I can feel myself starting to let go, but I don't want it to turn to bitterness, but maybe it's part of the process.

Distance~
The more I think about it, less in common there is. What's keeping things together then? I am starting to see the demise of all this soon. The distance I know I won't be able to handle it unless I got work. So I better work hard to find work for any chance. I feel like giving up, letting go. I don't want to hold on any longer. Maybe this is just me being tired talking. I am really tired.

Scope~
Daily Planetary Overview
Mars quincunx Pluto today will bring the tendency to waste time and energy. Things will probably not go according to plan and you'll have to make last-minute adjustments. You'd rather spend time talking to friends and co-workers than work.Your Horoscope - Today, July 14, 2009
There may be some rough spots to this day that might be difficult for you to iron out, melly. It could be that whatever you do, you are coming up just a bit short of the mark. Perhaps your level of indecisiveness is simply making it too difficult for you to be effective. Your easy-going nature of naturally swinging with the flow is actually making it easier for other people to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. Take control of the situation.

I really should have read this before I stated the day. Yesterday like today I didn't get anything done. I really do hope tomorrow will be better as I get something done. Today was pouring rain. Like 3 inches in St. Cloud. Thoughts of grad school has crossed my mind, but the issue of where I would get letters of recomendations lingers. (oh parrot butt on tv)

~Creation~

Last Sunday I made the crisp and it was one of the most darn tasty thing I admit I have ever made to my surprise. Only thing it got too watery, but it might be cuz I put in too much sugar and it freaked out the strawberrys. Opps. Else it was a quite weekend. I try not to talk about a certian subject because it's always on my mind. But today I really want to try to not care for awhile and be left alone in peace.

Final Thoughts~
Actually got in a decent meal today even though I didn't finish it, but it's better than not eating at all. Past two days have not really done much at all. Got a few things done, but not the important things I wanted to. I think some moving and a change of things may help. I want even inspired enough to do my hair, or at least try to. Hopefully this mood will blow over soon. for now goodnight self, do take care, Don't worry about mistress. But does a mistress wait or is always there or avalible? But it's always followed by to what adue when we don't really talk. It's just to comfort me. Selfish eh? Think it's better to think of it as a lost cause. Ended before it started. As do all things begin and end...

Letting Go

Sure I used this image before. Today was the first day of the last class I will take? Could it really be? The closer I get to finishing, the fear grows stronger. But I know if I do nothing, nothing will happen or the wrose. But I want to be safe and say if nothing happenes its because I didn't do anything not because of something I had done. Loing at the report that has to be done, seems so unsurmountable. Can't say the comp is helping being all laggy and stuff. Been on Mu. I wonder if it's a cause or an symptom? If it wasn't there, would I have gotten anything done? Or just another outlet? No, I don't mean mu, but Diablo. But I was having a brain block today so I wasn't able to write anything but a sentance. But I am flowing now.

Bor Bor

That sure went worse than the last one. Not that I feel bad about it. I know it could be much worse. I know I can only thank whos watching over me and the Lord for giving me such an opertunity. I don't dare be greedy, but it can't hurt to ask. I wonder how much if any it helped? Is a B so much to ask for? I know the multi choice was some of the most difficult I have seen yet. It sure don't help that I am hungie. I think I may have toasted the raviolie a little too much this morning. But I need to get going and do some cleaning up before I leave. Have much to do to prepare. I feel disapointed and hapless like there was more I could have done. but what's worse is that I am pretty sure that there was little to nothing I could have done to do any better. I will get what I deserve. And that's that.

Boobage

Think I like the hair more than the suit itself. Say a suit I actually liked a tankini. Cute and covers too on a comercial. So today got the score for international finance. Expected disapointment. But it could have been much worse, not that it wasn't bad enough. But I shall take it. Yesterday was not a bad day, but only because of a simple call the other day, I can get through the day easier. But I start to get restless, like alonging, yearning for more, when I should know it's enough. But I guess it's something to distract me from reality of what's impending..

So Sim stays over today, and we comfirm what Boris did waws a dodo on the carpet. Reafirms that I do not want a dag. He gets here and first thing he tells me is that I am sleeping on the floor because mom said so. Sad sad, knew she favored him. Went out to get some fried chicken wings just because it was buy 10 get 10 free. They were nice and crunchy. The pimple on my cheeck has stoped hurting from the past 3 days. Left a make of course, but sure better than hurting. In a fairly good mood because of that. Sure the exam earlyer today didn't go well, but overall didn't affect my for too long. But what's irritating me now is the buggie bites or maybe it's ants fanging me. They were starting to hurt so I put on some expired cream. It has a nice cooling feeling to it, so hopefully it helps. I really want to get a nail buffer now, asked Steph where she got hers and it looks like I am going to be making a $10 investment soon. Spent a good deal of time watching back to back NCIS. Who knew it could be so intersting. Or maybe I like the Dark Angel cute funny guy? keke

Speaking of Steph, today is the 8th and she moves in with Paul today and I noticed she changed her facefook status to engaged. It's a funny word engaged like when I first saw it, it looked like en-gaged. I am happy for her. I really am. A slight envy in there, but it's a good thing. It's only wishful thinking, if it really happened I wouldn't know what I would do or even want it then. Just as an option.

Someone poped in for a bit and disapeared. Not sure what happened. I really should be more proactive. I think it's better to pounce on things too soon than not soon enough. Think we try to think of the perfect was to do things, a fault free way when there really isn't one. But it seems a least troublesome way is to attack soon with careful calculated hast like buying the headsets. Don't think I mentioned that before. But it was more or less out of hast I bought them as an investment and didn't open them. But sold one over the weekend so am even with plus some profit. Good deal, but that act was out of hast. If I waited, the next day extra 50% clearance it be all gone. Sometimes you can't plan or predict these things.

Think I was bitten by an any on mi fingie. It's starting to itch and hurt a bit. Oh ye, need to pick up some pills tomorrw. See if I can remember. Not see, I will pick up pills. Other than that, good thing in a way sim is here to keep me company, else, I could be going a little crazy. But then again I got a few things I can and should be working on like my cheat sheet. So I better get back to it, I will check back on here soon.

Shoes

Daily Planetary Overview
Mars sextile Uranus will bring the desire to make things happen quickly, but you'll need to be flexible. Don't try to keep a set schedule or you will just become frustrated and won't be able to take advantage of opportunities.

Your Horoscope - Today, July 7, 2009
Don't take your bank or portfolio statement at face value today, melly, as financial errors are likely. It could be that someone wants you to see things according to his view of things, which may not be based on the facts. Check and double-check any important figures that cross your desk. You are the only one whom you can trust to truly work in your own best interests. It's time to put your good mind to use and start working on your own behalf.

Think that part is what really made its point.

Forgotten

Is a time then things were simplier. When there were things to be done and you just did it and then do something else. Some reason something is in the way. First time in awhile feel frustration like nothing can be done or done right. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on certain things. Maybe it's easier to just accept things and not fight it. Things are as they are. It's not part of the deal. I don't mean to break it, but I do not understand then was this a failed test? How cruel. But I am the crulest to myself. Nothing anyone can do can compare to the things I do to myself. When have I become so attached? How painful.

Head beats in pain, hopefully after a nap I shall feel better soon. Very soon. I know I didn't eat much, but that could be the I wouldn't call it stress, but it's the same reaction, it's more like distress combined with other factors. Gets some rest self, most importantly of all is yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel anything but loving kindness for one self.

I do want to be fair. But that's not thinking like a mistress is it? Wonder what's going on with the formate.
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It just accured to me that I jsut feel stupid right now. Especially for waiting for something, anticpating something that won't happen. And worse of all is that it's so connected to the past. Really do need to be busy, but I don't want to be too busy for anything. But just busy enough. Yet it also keeps me from things..

Oh silly me, there it is. it was just a silly tab option. Silly silly.

I really don't want to look anymore, I really don't want to know. But something keeps me coming back for more. Like an addiction. I know I am ill. The buggie bites sure don't help at all if any. Like I keep returning for more punishment.

~Lord, anyone out there watching over me, help me over come this dreaded self inflicted pain.

Gara Gara Go!

At least I found a new Big Bang song. It's not that good but it will do. Got the result of the score and damn. Gosh darn it. And I saw this happening and it's funny how a point here and there really adds up. So much to do and so little time. I don't think it will take that much time. It's just a matter of getting down to doing it. I fear what it be like with no more exams left to take or an exam to prepare for anymore. I was thinking of going for certificates now. It's something to consider. But I really need to finish all this up. SO please try. Things are usually not as bad as it seems. You make it much worse than it is and inavetable make it difficult because you expect it to be.

How strange for setting and layout is different. There's not option to adjust the fond or colors. Maybe it's just this computer. But then again the strangest thing I was able to get on MSN on a school computer. Stranger things has happened. On a brigherter note, although I shall try to maintain an B for deriv, I can still try for an A in Fire after getting all the bounis points. Should have been better. Seen it all before.

Please don't create you own missery, get out and stop rolling in the dung.

Bobo

Dramatic~
I want to try to make this quick, not much has happened, but some thoughts. Soon Steph be moving out on the 8th. Exciting eh? Pigeon went to a sci-fi convention without us. Jerk. But it's funny to hear there's a french kissing booth there lol But hey, what else do I expect? I just started to call him Bobo the other day. I really didn't expect to like him at or even much at all. But I have grown quite fond of him for the past few days. He has been much more well behaved than back in LSF. Going to misss the big bugger. Else, nothing too exciting besides a make-up haul at Ulta and $1 more importantly of all retractable eyeliner woot! And before I forget, I actually lost my wallet again, but this time at Cub and this time was lucky enough for it to be found. You don't know the releife I felt... On a sour not, fishie bubblier is busted and forgot to get a new one today.


~Sleep~
I have been sleeping a lot of late the past 2 days just sleeping away the afternoon. I am not sure why, like I have lost some will or an onset of depression or something. But I think a part of it could be the worry of the Deriv exam. Antoerh part is the Powerpoint in which the group has not even started or even organized. I don't want to end up spending so much time on it, but I might end up doing so. But it's like the extra quiz. How I dread and dread.. I did try to prepare and dread some more, but at the end it didn't seem so bad at all or not as bad as I make it out to be. But it did help me prepare as I did scribble everything I got worng on the exam, but it was all something we had praticed. But one thing that's a mist. I am not sure what, or it could be someone. but I creat my own missery and wallo in my own dung.

~Missery Company~
It's true is it not? I know this part of my I try to deny. I can feel it all this weekend with what a Moe was doing and about Steph. I could feel myself loosing it and having thoes thoughts of ill will and wishful thinking. Although it's not really what I want, I don't want others to have it either. It's awful isn't it? Like how I want others to have a bad/hard time. It's like if things are not going well for me I sure don't want thing to go well for you either. So much ill will. Though today it wasn't so bad. It could be associated to attachment. Why else would I want such things? I guess of late I have been worrying about a number of things. Hopefully with time it will sort itself out..

For now take care fo yourself, goodnight self.

INspire

It is truely better off on your own. No need for more room. Was doing fine earlier this week. But since yesterday and this morning, I am feeling distressed. It would be worry on another aspect. But this can't be helping either.

~Doggie~
Got back on Thur and was feeling slightly motivated, but was short lived. So brought Boris back. Didn't realize should have put down both seats because was getting fluf all over the place. And poor thing was so scared of getting in the back. Else stuck head out the window and let the wind blow in his face. It was like a scene from Bolt. Was hessitant to let him do that. There's always the fear he just might decide to leap out. We had a hard time getting him to sit, but finally got him to sit when he sliped in the back. Got doggie slober all over the window. Else he's a good dog to walk. Sure is attached to his blankie.

The last night before we left for some reason he cried. I didn't know what the reason was. I did all I can, but to no a due. It turns out like Barb saids, he's a big baby. Has attachment issues. (or I can't think of the word for it right now) Steph can to visit Boris and thought he was cute and took some pictures.

~Bling~
Steph finally got engaged or at least got a ring. Who knows if it means anything at all if anything. I didn't expect so many blings, enough to all up to a certain number. Else it's nice, as long as she likes it. Went to visit pigeon and steph and watch sim and pigeon play game. Nubin pigeon somehow got himself banned for killing too fast. Wasn't really too excited about going (but then again since when was I all gun hoe in going anywhere) but did pick up some cloths and on the way try to do the recording, but the recorder was going all wacko.

~Droping Flys~
Last week the stares really have been droping like flys. You got Wacko Jacko, Ferria Fassut, Sham Wow dude, and so on. It's a thought that has crossed my mind how stares burn out. Many will in my life time (not like it's going to be that long).

~Letting Go~
I know someone is tired and so am I. But at least someone finally showed around after 2 days. But I think I rather leave it off still. I try to make aolie today. It doesn't look too bad. Think I put too much on the first time. (Got a little too excited) But I am so tired, so lets get some rest bit first.

Calculon

More shiet to put under the mango tree.

I knew with the calculator I needed to stay away from before I find too much to like. Way too much. Will always be the fish. Pleasent to watch from a distance, but not so nice to hold. And so Japan. Somehow things have a way of turning out the way I imagined it. But there is something I want to make note of. Yesterday or more like the other day on the phone. It was last Monday, spoke on the phone for a hour. But it wasn't until after I had such a deja vu feeling. I can't recall what specifically it was though right now. But while I was in the shower it hit me. We shall see if anything comes to me later. For now I have a sheet to focus on. Goodluck self, whatever happens can always put under the mango tree.