Why so Loud?

*sigh*

I need to have less, less thing, more ideas, more doing, but less materials. Looking at it makes my head churn. I am one moment too warm and another too cold. oh what to do.. For some reason I feel like BBQ now. What can I do with that? Besides breaded shrimp? Or even breaded chicken will do.

Why so Loud?

*sigh*

I need to have less, less thing, more ideas, more doing, but less materials. Looking at it makes my head churn. I am one moment too warm and another too cold. oh what to do.. For some reason I feel like BBQ now. What can I do with that? Besides breaded shrimp? Or even breaded chicken will do.

Time

I sure passes you by quickly..

Chazz

I guess I never thought of to spell the name this way. But maybe it's more of an alternative ego. I wonder what's going on. Is it all an joke? I seem not to care as much anymore. I am not really sure what is changing. Maybe it's a change in the wind blowing over the sands to cover up the lies.

It has been awhile since I actually had a quite weekend. I want to make something, but at the same time I am not really inspired to. What is missing? Positive energy? Or something else? The ides of some things excite me. But then it's gone like the wind.

Circles

It gets to a point where you run around in circles so many times before you get tired of it. It was funny how I run into that scarf article. Ironic isn't it? It's hard to say what beleive in anymore besides myself and what I see. I can't trust anyone. Eyes are tired anyways.

Alejandro

~Shame~
Some reasons dreams are running amist. And still no call at this rate. I was feeling ever so slightly more confidant the other day and even this morning. But it all has seemed had faded. it makes me wonder if I had done better on formatting would things had been better or would I have gotten a second look. Sitting here makes it all the more painful, both literally and in theory. A note from Stell makes me happy and yet depressed.

~Carnival~
So there's this one last evening. It was something from like Zombieland. Was at a carnival and droped off Denis's roomy there. Called her to ask when she wants to be picked up. But I had a feeling she didn't want to say when to be picked up to be troublesome, so she would say you can come later as an excuse for her to be able to stay longer. She ended up saying can come get her 35mins later as if to give us time. For some reason wanted to go grab her sooner. But there's all I can really recall. The rest I can not really remember. There were some other odd random details with the coz and , but nothing major was said or done. Was maybe just part of the background noise.

..And I need to poo again, think the sh churng fun does a number on the tummy..

I was a little assessable about the recipes last night. But I got lots of things I need to deal with. why I make this all so hard on myself?

She's not broken, she's just a baby. It doesn't matter the order, just get something done is enough. It all needs to be done anyways.

• Look for addresses
• Organize papers
• Put away and toss cloths
• Iron shirt
• Organize dry foodies
• Package fans
• Update zon listing
• Start GRE
• Get rid of the 2 windows
• Change phish
• Vac carpet
• Aspirin face
• Setup toothy brush
• Dig out united health number

Stick with simpler things

Pesamestic

~Dreams Among other Things~
How strange it is. So of late I know I have had at least 3 dreams, but I do not remember them very well besides the one about the snow zombies and how I was trying to prove they were real and they turned out to be after going to a grave yard to check when one that came back to life tried to eat us. The other was about snow as well where I fell through some ice and could not get out of the hole and i started to take off the winter cloths to be lighter to get out. I think there was more to it but I can not remember. The later was a pet store one like petco type but Marry owned it. Started off when it was cold out and I wanted to let a chickadee in and 4 flue in. One got a little excited and went to the top of the cieling to look for food. I wanted to but out a water dish while the other 3 stayed by the entrance. Then they were harrasing the other birds in the cage. There were 3 rescue cockatiels that were a dark grey blue that were not so friendly, but one was really smart and one yellow on that was friendly. But I like the dark one that was smart. There was also a tortis sleeping on it's back. Else the other cages were empty. I recall worried about leaving them there overnight.

Roles

Your
Lead Role
Teacher

You begin by asking:
'What can she learn from this?'

To learn how to make the most of your
Teacher
role, buy Find Your Strongest Life.

Your focus is instinctively toward the other person. Not her feelings, necessarily, but her understanding, her performance, her skills.

Your best quality:
Your faith in the others’ potential

Always:
Tailor your style to each student

Be careful you:
Don’t come to believe that everyone is capable of everything

Your smartest career move:
Any job where you’re paid to facilitate the success of others.

How interesting. But I should try to be a good mistress. I know what I want to do is not being a good mistress. So how should I be? Should I want another to be happy? To disconnect myself from the situation. Don't put my dog in the fight.

I didn't get much sleep this weekend and especailly Friday it was a headache day. It was a pulsing one. The next day was better, but not by much. Today slept through most of the day. I need to concern myself with less things. The less I care, the more free I can be. Who knew Lu serves a purpose. So unexpected. And you wondered why am still friends with... I need someone on the inside.

The things I need to get done seems to be other peoples things other than my own. It seems to be like an never ending nagging child. I want to reevaluate things. But I am just tired of it all.

Moments

Things always seems well when is around. But when that time is over and I am left to reflect what has been going on, I am left with nothing but the suffering. I have been pretty good at putting it off, but how much longer can do this?

Overview:
You'll have a lot of things that need to get done. However, you'll feel like relaxing and tuning out. Meet your responsibilities first. There may be some things you don't feel like facing today.

Horoscope - Today, Feb. 21, 2010

Be careful not to lose your temper today, dear Melly. You're champing at the bit these days, though your daring nature has been reined in by financial and professional constraints. It's useless to entertain grandiose illusions at the moment. Moreover, you can expect some confrontations if you try. If you are advised to be more conservative, heed the suggestion...

Taro:
If you were not so terribly frightened of falling from a great height, you could climb up the ladder to romantic fulfillment two rungs at a time, dear Melly… Your problem seems to be that the World and its promises make you suffer from vertigo! Clearly, the Lovers don’t help your self-confidence, and are constantly asking you to look left, right and center with hesitation before every decision, and thus slow you down at every turn. Well, it looks like you cannot go any faster, but keep going anyway!

We will see how far this goes.

Thank You Lord

10am

Prayer

I pray to God, that I will bleed like never before. I really need it. It seems like we are always at this crossroads each time... It doesn't get any easier. Please Lord, dear Lord, anyone that is listening. I really need this...

Is it not funny how I just thought it and wanted something to happen and next thing you know it happens? I didn't really want to go and seemed all so troublesome and costly. Suddenly it cleared itself out. Though there's a slightly new issue, but better than before. I am still a worrying myself. It all seems too comfortable. I do not know if the lack of appetite is because of the recent mood or something else.. I know I go through this each time, each month. But I worry so much. I try to be as timely as possible. I worry this was something in the making for a long time..I do feel slightly uncomfortable and pressure, but I do not know if it's all in my head or what. I have been wet with other things, but it's not what I wanted. Utter disappointment.

How Intersting

Interesting news today. More scandalous Chinese scandal. It sure really ruin the image of Chinese that I had in my head. I wonder why it is like that? How are people able to be that way? It really makes me wonder what has the world come to. And suddenly I have many things on my mind. Not that it helps that I got a moody monkey on my back as well. Think it's pressure from the the job prospect that's really pushing it. Not so much on my side, but more on the other side.

The scandal makes me think of things. Things I prefer not to think about. But are things I have to consider. I am really sweaty in the hands today. I am not sure how to stop it. I know I need to take care of myself above all. But it gets tough. I don't want to make things hard for myself.

How Intersting

Stonewalled

~I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing~
~I'm praying to a God I don't believe in~
~When a heart breaks, no it don't break even~
~When I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping~
~They said bad things happen for a reason~
~But no wise words are going to stop the bleeding~

Such a fitting song. There really is a song for every occasion. Do I ever cross your mind? For some reason I don't think so. It has been 2 days and I still the the red painful spotty itchies. They are starting to migrate to my face. They were all over my neck and now are all over my upper back. I do not know what to do about them. I pray that they will go away soon. They are crawling up my cheek. I hope not to itch them, but it's hard like how many things are in life.

~I am tired~
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of not being able to get anything done. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of the pissie fits.

Progress

I want to save some work for later. I have a lot of cleaning to do. I want to make sure I have plenty to do later so I don't mull around waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I got the note done. I still need a signature on it, but for some reason i still worry. The other day when I opened the letter of denial, I worried. The feeling of being denied. It's was devastating. I think it's also part of the reason why I do not try do, so i will never have that feeling. But it's not something I can avoid forever.

I got the signature. I do feel better just getting that single thing done. It wasn't as hard as I thought it be. It was actually as simple as it could be. But why I torture myself? I seem to like to do that pretty often.

What else there to do? And to think, I was going to toss out the double sided sticky tape too.

I guess it's the utter disappointment that's making me react the way I am. How I had imagined things to be better. It's hard to hope for thing to be better and to remain hopeful when stuff like this happens. It has been a tearful Wednesday. But I think for now I have run dry. I don't think there's a point to talking to someone that makes you sad too.

Downer

I shouldn't let others get me down, but at the same time not sure what I can do except always be there. Not everything has to do with you. But you can't help but wonder at times. Not really feeling it today. Nor do I really feel it on the other days either. Lets not focus on others so much now and work on yourself. You sure have a thing for telling others to take care of themselves, but not yourself. So lets work on that. I am bummed as well, but lets not let that get the better of me.

That's good enough. I can't worry too much of the details. You know is like saids, not like remmeber anything or care enough to tell me. But most things have a thing for manufesting itself to be something other than it's own. So don't drown yourself in your own suffering. It's not always about me, it's not always about you either. It really has been awhile since diamonds have fallen. Am still trying to let go of things. But I don't want to seem uncaring. So all I can know I can never really give up. It's not really an option. So what can I do?

• I can give a call
• Ask how ill roomy is doing
  

Don't be angry. Don't be resentful. You don't want to add to the plate. Show some care and understanding. It's not always going to be easy. Things sure have a way of not going the way you expect it to. I don't want to add more pressure. I know is doing best. I can only be patient and wait. Only time can tell. No one said it would work out anyways.

I found it interesting yesterday wen talking. Told me I was in for a lot of heartache... I know I put myself in that kind of danger and risk. So I have no one to blame but myself. So I must not be too upset, as long as I tried my best. That's all God can ever ask of me.

I still need to write a note of sort as jerk HR people didn't think it was enough. So I figure I put in some effort to ensure I get it right.

Brushing with Enthusiasm

That's a good one.

Can't Be Bothered

~Why Bother~
For the most part I have not been bothered too much. More or less be lazie about getting things done while feeling that I can't get things done if I can't do it all properly. Sure sucks. So it's the afternoon now. It's really nice and sunny out to my amusement. For most of the week, I didn't give into any of the urgers to peep, but today I did. It was to be expected more or less according to the calender. Else, I have been pretty good at it. But this way of thinking of living in the moment and having fun makes me want to not try as much. Like if things are not going well, I just turn away from it. I don't really want to do that, yet I don't want to cause myself any kind harm or put myself in harm's way.

~Itchys~
I have these red spots all over me. They are really making me itchy. It could be due to dryness or something else. I worry. You live life only seeing things for your own view. And wonder why things happen to me, when it happens to more people than you can comprehend.

Don't Care

Zombieland

Is it really?

Daily Planetary Overview - Mercury will be opposite Mars today, and there will be a New Moon in Aquarius. You'll feel strongly independent and won't hesitate to voice your opinions. You'll engage in debates and will probably come out on the winning side.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 13, 2010

A passionate letter or phone call from a romantic partner could have you longing for his company, Melly, and so you're likely to make a night of it this evening. You're both feeling happy, glowing in each other's company. One or both of you will have career successes to report; relations with coworkers and superiors alike should be cooperative and congenial today, and this works well for your future. Enjoy.

Tarot reading for Melly:

Love: The Hanged Man

Touchstone: The Lovers

Career: The Star

In terms of your personal life, the vacillation of those around you is getting to you today, dear Melly. The Lovers hold sway in the emotional sphere today, revealing hesitant and somewhat fickle behavior on the part of your nearest and dearest. All this is very unsettling for you, to the point that where certain people are concerned, you feel as if you’re getting nowhere, as neither of you has faith in the other. A word of advice: ignore your doubts and try to communicate. In the professional sphere, you feel a mounting sense of frustration. There is still no end in sight for on-going negotiations, your projects are stalling, and you have the unpleasant feeling of being totally at the mercy of your superiors to get anything done. Try not to brood and see everything from the dark side (the Lovers), but instead exploit the powers of your imagination (the Star) in order to come up with an idea that will enthuse the people who are currently plotting against you.

Expectations

It's not just me now, but others. Today one was stressing out. More than usual. Not sure if I am the one to comfort as I myself am trying to let such things go. It really depends on how you see things and if you are consistent. I myself am in no mood or in the position to help or to listen. I got my own things to work on and to deal with.

A Woman Scorned

Lets try to get somethings done. Not like I could not for see what could happen. So lets try my best to get through the day. One day at a time..

Endings and Beginings

I usually would end the day with this, but maybe starting and working on it throughout the day may help releif with what is going on with me. I just can't keep checking, the constant worry is not doing me much good. I haven't found too much that's too incriminating, but not like it has been squeaky clean either. Maybe it's for the better anyways. I really can not keep this up.

~Ignorance is Bliss?~
Once again, maybe it really is for the better. What I do not know, can it really hurt me? I do wonder at times. I want to reduce the amount of windows, it's all a constant reminder of things I have yet to do. I am just not in the right state to handle it now. Not even listening to a talk on disappointment helped much.

~Sickness~
I am starting to feel physically ill. I can feel my stomach churning. Just the thought of it makes me so sick to my stomach. I really feel as I want to do not care for I can not care. But with the whole marriage thing looming overhead, I do not know if I can move forward. I don't think everything can be solved before hand. As it's more or less an ongoing thing where you may just spend the rest of your little life working on. I do not know if this is something I can go through. It's not just one thing. It's more like a whole slue of issues and concerns... Hopefully it will be easier to deal with as time passes and answers will arrive soon. I still am wondering where that planner is. I found all the other ones, but what about the one I last used?? I still want to search for it. I really do hope I find it.

I wonder at times is it something I did to make things change. But I guess if something was meant to be kept from me, there's no way I would find out. So is ignornace really is bliss? Maybe it is until you find out. Maybe I am too controlling. I want too much. At the end of the day, realize it doesn't really matter much what reason on gives, I just do not trust. maybe because I myself are like so. But I do still want to push the blame and say you make me that way. If you were more honest, I wouldn't be this way.. I don't want to be this way. Maybe it's because of the impending union. Think if it wasn't a union this would be as big as an issue?

Daily Planetary Overview - With the Moon square Saturn and conjunct Pluto, tension and stress may be problematic for your health. Many of your plans will be put on hold by setbacks and delays. You'll may feel limited and frustrated by a lack of progress.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 9, 2010

Take your thoughts and share them with those who can help execute them today, Melly. If you have a trailer that needs to be moved, don't try to do it all by hand. Ask around for someone with a large truck who can hook it up to the back and cart it around to wherever it needs to go. You have the resources available to you, all you need to do is set the gears in motion.

February 9, 2010

Tarot reading for Melly:

Love: The World

Touchstone: Death

Career: The Hermit

It’s not a great day on the emotional front, Melly, and one might even think that, under the influence of Death and the World, you want to call a halt to a relationship that’s bringing you more pain than happiness. If your partner refuses to give you time to think, you’re tempted to tell them that it’s all over between you. In terms of your career, all signs suggest that you need to examine certain elements of your past trajectory… Death and the Hermit are asking you to consider what aspects of your job or of the way you do your job are no longer effective, and to find the necessary steps for bringing the situation to an end. Whether your working methods are tired, you’re using out of date materials, or you’re persisting with ineffectual partnerships, it’s up to you to work out what needs to change...

Overall it sounds pretty bad today, so all the reasons to try harder on this very day. I know I am falling, but hopefully I will not fall as far. I know the fall will seem far. But I will not realize how far it could have been.. Can things really be worse? I do not want to find out. I will find a way to make do with it. Sometimes things just seem too hard at times.

Don't Be Disapointed

~Meh~
Today was more or less sluggish. It could be because I got potty issues this day. Been here twice today. But at least it isn't too bad. It could always be worse. You know like the liquid stuff. But I guess I better get organized and get some tasks done.

~Stats~
It looks like 80% is the magic number. It seems to high. It's what I expected. This weekend was interesting. Changed the story again. I do not know what to believe. Is making this very difficult for me. I just find it hard to believe. First it was have not done it before, and then changed it to have done it, and then again to have not. Omg... how many times does it need to be changed? What are you trying to do to me? Why is it you make it so hard for me to trust you... I really want to, I really do, but why you do this to me? I don't know, I feel like I am wasting my time. I don't want to think about it now. A part of me wants to let it all go. But a part of it can not and longs for better.

Daily Planetary Overview
The Moon will be sextile Venus tonight. This aspect will make your social life active and you'll be surrounded with friends and good conversation. You may decide to take a short trip with someone close to you so you have time to talk.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 8, 2010

Have you been thinking about working towards a career as a writer or teacher? If you have, Melly, this is the day to get the ball rolling. Perhaps you need to just sit down and start writing, or perhaps you want to take some courses that could help to improve your skills. A number of communications from out of state or even from distant lands could come your way, from people with information that might change your life in some way.

Like yesterday and as of today, I really don't feel up to anything. More or less I get more depressed at the idea of all the things I have not done or could have done. I think I should more focus on myself and internally more than on the outside and on others. I think it's a way to keep myself from realizing and to advoid conflict with myself. It just seems so much easier to blame someone else for why you are unhappy.

Planning

So I try to plan around things. For some reason I knew this was something that wasn't going to happen. You know the granny bday dinner. But I don't think thought of the long term dire consequences. And especially how it could have an effect on me.

BS

All the BS. All the lies. I don't know how much of it I can take. I have been thinking of those kinds of things more of late. I don't know if I want any part of it. It makes me very tired to think that somehow makes me think that most of everything was based off lies... I do not know what I should do... I don't know if I want this anymore...

Miss with stingyness

I guess in general I should not wait. It's something I need to make into a pattern. If it's the right time, I should just go for it and not be so stingy. But there is still time. Hopefully there be other oppertunites to come. I pray for thee. If not, there's always the under plan. Though just for me, I would like to add a smudge more to it. But no matter. Things will be as they are.

~Field Trip~
Tomorrow is a field trip. I wonder if I should take pictures. But I do not know if it's something I want to remember or not.

~Scandalous~
I don't think there is ever a good time. Sometimes is just insane. But I am thinking maybe when on trip, I can be more sure. Especially in the afternoon, I know more likely it will be more safe.

Stamps

Daily Planetary Overview
With the Moon square Pluto and conjunct Saturn, life will be intense. You'll feel driven and ambitious. Under this influence, you may experience setbacks and feel frustration when things do not go your way. You will work until you are exhausted.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 2, 2010

You have a keen mind and are thirsty for knowledge, Melly. A recent accomplishment may make you hungry for the next challenge. Consider looking to your hobbies for the next big thing in your life. It could be that the little side projects that you so enjoy working on could lead to a whole new field. You are especially suited to science and other research-oriented fields. Whatever you undertake, you are bound to be successful.

Tired

I am really tired, but there is so much to do. A part of me tries to reduce how much I spend, but then again is it really me spending it? Don't make things hard for yourself. I hate it when I push the buttons too many times and I end up erasing much too much. The grammys was fun today. Too bad I didn't get to watch too much of it. So about the shipping. Either way, I still end up paying for it. I need to remember to keep things simple for myself. Remember the monthly fee is waved so I should use it since usually I would be paying for it. So problem solved. So many things that needs to be done..

• Undies roses
• Buy salad
• Buy photo paper for binder
• Use stamps.com
• Zon books
• Put cloths away

So I just stopped by the post office. This morning I was thinking about some things that did not make me happy. For now I really can't be too bothered by it since as time passes, I feel myself feeling less. I am like just going through the motions. Friends perhaps. It seems to work ever so slightly better. Stopped by cub as well ad bought some discount tissue. Not like many people were buying it either, maybe it's not such a good deal as we anticipate. I still want to do what I can regardless. I am not sure if doing the postage thing is easier or not. But at least for this month, there's not much of a difference. Got to try to stay away from all things that are heavy. It makes things more complicated. But why should I be concerned? It's not my money after all.