Change of Pace

Scope: Today, you reach a balance in your emotional life, melly. Justice and the World set the scene for stability and faithfulness – it may even be that an affair you’ve kept secret up until now will be brought out into the open. You feel as if you’re on solid ground and you’re not afraid to look into the future of your relationship with confidence. And marriage is in the air…

Interesting eh? It's funny really. I really don't know what to think nor do I want to give all controll. But I really don't care in some aspects. I sure hope it's not my marriage lol. Have not looked at this for awhile. Maybe it really is time to get back to what I am use to. But today I forget that it's a Thursday. I really need to get out of this room, I really do. But I am still not feeling very well so I don't really dare to leave. I really just want to get better. Today was interesting, a thinker more or less. Nice at the same time. But something to think about. If I remember correctly the other day I try to do econ and so disapoted in the score. At this point if everything was like that, I don't know how am I to do well? The answers don't seem to be there. Today got secur score and also ever so slightly disapointed at the score too. But it's to be expected because I really didn't know and still don't know what to do with the first problem. After class, it started to make me think about the CFA. It's not something that I have thought much of. It's something that will require more study. Oh so much to work on. The other day I think it was arse left a message. It really wasn't anything, nor do I really remember it. Just a note. I don't remember if I mentioned anything about the last call. But if I didn't, it was interesting and yet funny. It's funny to hear someone cry and it's not over you. For a second, a quick thought crossed my mind wondering if would you have the same for me? Funny right? or more sad? On a side note, isn't it strange how an eggroll doens't even have egg in it? And I just wanted to laugh and thought you get what you deserve. The sleepless nights. Can you feel it? Still not feeling very well. I shall try to get some rest for now. Hopefully to get better soon love.

Back to my Perch

And so I am feeling a slight twing in my throat. I did pop some pills, so homefully it will be better soon. I did try to drink the whole juice to no adue. But I do need to drop off some stuff for the punk. So I better get packing and I need to run some stuff off as well. The Statement I can look over and plan it out before I do anything because typeing should not be too difficult. It's just coming up with the ideas that is time consuming. Overall today I have been drowsie due to the first set of pills I took. I also need to take care of some images I owe to someone later if not tomorrow morning.

Okay, so I look over the images and I don't know what I was thinking. Either I was lazies or what. Either way, I rather stay here and watch Lost. I don't want to be at beck and call. It's better here and I am not feeling up to it either. Already had lunch with em today anyways. Good enough. I feel so tired. Maybe I should try to get some rest early and hope tomorrow I will feel better. It's unlikely, but it doesn't mean I can't try. I should give em a call and drop off some stuff. Oh my goodness, maybe it's the way I am sitting but I can start to feel the body aches. Gosh darn it.

Too Much Too Soon?

Not sure what to say about yesterday. Guess all was normal and I was even feeling productive. And then it all happened. I guess I could have anticpated it, or not. I have sometimes wondered what it would be like. Guess it wasn't as painful as I would have expected it to be. But am still hurting. There's a first time for everything. But seriously everything was pretty much done except for one thing. So how far are you willing to go? How far are you willing to push it? Oh god, are you messing with me? Or testing me? Or playing with me? Or maybe only am just being played. How knows, for now, as long as you have fun and keep your head on straight, all is well. At elast for now is it.

For now I got some accounting to do, econ, and work on a statement and dinker with stocks even. Oh what to do.

• Tinker with accounting
• Dinker with econ
• Churn out a statement
• Pick at stocks

Have community council elections tonight, we shall see how that goes. So I will see how much I can get done. After I clean myself up of course. Lets see how productive I can be. I still got a good 3 hours minus the dinkering around time. Let gogogo. Later love.

One More Time

I guess I been neglecting this. But the need to get back to old habbits. I did look up MPR and it was interesting and it makes good background sounds.

Aknowledge, Forgive, Learn

So today I know I should not have but I decided not to attend. It won't happen again, but I think I needed time to gather myself. Accounting wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. But I know it needs more work. I forgot my mp3 player at home. Or at least I hope that's where it is. But I wasn't paniced that I didn't have it. Okay so I did put in some time to fill it and yet I forget it. I know I have much to write and to reply to. But one at a time and it won't seem so much like a chore. I am trying to recall the times been over. But it all seems to be a blur. I need to keep on top of things, really need to be. Did I also forget to make a note about fishing as well? I just checked and I did make a note of it.

Forgive yourself

1/22 TH: I can't even remember the nights at this point. Had some line testing, but no crossing. It's funny would bring such a thing. Not even sure where it came from. Knew I could have gotten one, but I didn't want to and so I didn't even try to get one. And then one just appears. Even went as far as mantioning as wanting to go through with it? Does one not consider the consenenses or the potential consequences? And what's even worse was it was left in the morning... At least the sheets were all folded nicely. Points there. But for the proceeding day, it did hurt. But the pain passed.

Pigeon poped in last night for the dung book. Disguessed the reasons for the book for weffy. The drama. I was surprised he didn't jump at the chance to move out and to move in over the snake? Or is there something else? Also that she didn't want to move in either. But from what I have heard, it's not the most plesent dwelling. So I am not sure how to read him quite yet. But it's very inconsiderate for him to say he doens't like Maple Grove or the people. Quite surprising especially for someone like him to be so carefully planned. We shall see what his motives are.

Today it's back to dhrma talks. The more we worry about the future, the more we neglect the future. It's totally uncertain.

Recourse

I think I left out last Sunday. Which by all means was important. I really like the lights, it's so bright and pretty. It makes me happy and overall, last weekend was not too shabby at all.

1/18/09: I guess so much has happened that I left it out. So after conflict, we did talk later that staurday and things seems to have gotten better. So we made plans to go to church and to a gethering. Church went better than I expected. The talk of the day was about Jesus and about finding God, or more like God finding us. It was interesting. Uncle was so very nice and the little buggers as well. And Cal is so sweet. Should have went for that one. And as usual go lost going to gathering, but it wasn't my fault because she missed N101. But that was fun too and tasty as well. Need to remember to find out how to make all the goodies. Apple cake and carmel bar as well. So tasty. Overall it was a good time and it was funny how was told had couple look =.= You kidding me? Rediculious. On the way back got caught in the ditch, but that was my bad. Took a illigal U turn and butt got caught in the snow. Fortunattly there was a nice guy that pulled us out. I don't know if it was luck or what. Or even like mom saids, God was watching over me. But for some reason when we were stuck, there was no panic at all. For some reason I knew we were going to be okay.

Vomiting Blood

I'm sure there is something to say, but I am not sure what is was. I know there was something. And so we shall talk about now. This week has really been something. I feel tired but I am not sure for what reason. I am tired of working I think or just maybe thinking of it. So I want to give myself a break. Hopefully once I am home things will be better and I can reset myself. I want to try to be more healthy which is never easy since I feel already that I have spent too much money on food already.

I am not sure what to think about yesterday night. I question my feelings. If there is even any or is it just a physical need? But I have to keep my head on straight. I need to think things through. Everything happened so fast. Hopefully not out of controll. But all this feels so familar. Like I have done this before. I know there's a chance this could all be a ploy. Do I need to get into the details? It was so close to crossing the line. Next thing I know, I was being touched and was in my birthday suit with my hand being pushed down. It was funny how it was all taken off so quickly lol and I didn't even notice the bottom as well. But it all seemed like a dream. Something I have talked to someone once before all happening before me. But I felt it. It was nice XD I am such a perv lol gosh darn it. wetness... Must pratice selfcontrol. It was funny how it was thought of the concern of weight.

Conflict

Daily Planetary Overview
With the Moon square Mars in Cardinal Signs, you'll be irritable and short with people. Finesse will be lacking when dealing with others. Decisions will be made hastily and without forethought. Mistakes will be made if you are in a hurry.

Scary eh? Well it's not like it has ever steered me worng. Funny how things don't seem to go according to plan. But it's not important. Well being is so much more important. I just have to try and to know it's enough.

Fear and Control

A quick recap of yesterday. To my surprise and slight releife no new roomy. But I got a feeling today will be the day. I don't see any reason for the delay. But eboard meeting went a little long, else it was okay. Got a binder to decor and than even some pepermint ice cream. But now it looks like all the computers here are running on Vista, but it's either the radio or the slow comp because I don't recall ever having this problem before of it cutting off. So it's getting a little frustraiting. Else ever all I do feel better ever so slightly. I just hope bro remembers to bring you know what *hint hint* Else it's going to be a long day. And so he did. Although I wished it was a bit more. But good enough. Right now I can sence fear setting in again. It's an unseasy feeling. It may be a side effect of that time of month again and the weather sure isn't helping. I know I have not been eating well. But I did eat something. Just looking at all this is confusing me. I just feel like I can't do a thing right. I feel so helpless and out of controll. I know there are many things I can not controll. Especially for accouting, I don't want to start that off with a missing assignment. So far it's not like I have run into anything I do not really understand. It's just that they are scaring me. I really don't like staying in my room. It maybe something that's effecting me. It's an uneasyness I am feeling. It's not like I didn't try. As long as you try. It's enough. But it seems to be not enough. How can it ever be enough? Sometimes I feel I really have had enough. I hope tomorrow I will feel better. Be less dependant.

Oh and I finally had enough of Ian and decided to deal with it. Really an tired today. Not sure if sleep will help. But I will try to get some reading done at least. Accouting I will deal with tomorrow. Please take care self.

Nausaiting Details

Causing disgust, loathing, or revulsion. Just looking at finals week alone is enough to freak me out. And so here we are. But either way I will find a way to get through it. Don't make things any harder on yourself than it needs to be. I don't know what to make of things. So shall we go over the day new or good news first? Before that, lets go over some old news. After some evaluation over last night's sleepover. It was really nothing. At least I didn't really feel anything or much of any. It was just like going through the motions. But for some reason I can't help but feel slightly used. I need to make sure I close up that part and leave no oppertunity for such things. No more paying for juice. No matter how little, it all adds up. But I shall be fair. No matter. Can't do anything about such things. Really do think God is messing with me or something. Or trying to temp me. It's still to akward especially on the phone with the bro and I heard gf and I was uncomfortable with that idea.

The Uglie: I am still waiting for the Saudi and no contact from her. Shinae left a message saying it's difficult for someone there especially a girl to go abroad to study. So my theory she has to know people or comes from money. But of all the places, why here? Today also got the red plauge. But at least did some damage controll. But all to discover I was running low on dams. *sigh* Also caught myself forgetting to turn on the graduation forms.. =.= Like I didn't get enough sleep. Sadly Sercurity wasn't really what I had expected and I have to pay an extra $25 to play some stock game. The prof was a little but condicending and I forgot to get milk again. I wasn't feeling very well after eating or trying to eat the pizza. I am still dreading the idea that I may not get the acc text on time. What to do. I am feeling all scattered brain now I know. And I ended up paying an extra 50cents for a silly card to sell a text. I also of late have been troubled by Ian and slightly by arse, but more Ian for now. Still can not forget the fact that I am out of minutes and room phone still does not work. Oh dear dear. And I am still waiting got an eboard meeting. Things are never as bad as they seem. Like the real easte club thing, I wish there were more people in it. But it may not be so bad with mike there if he really does particpate. Be positive.

The Prettie: I did find a penny today heads up in the snow. At least I got some free ranch and my craps printed out. I did manage to snag some napkins and try some new orange flavor drink. The munch money did finally get into my account. I got all my papers organized, or at least I think I do. Today has been rough. I did find like this chinese idol boy singer on youtube and a chinese version of MIROTIC. It was interesting... quick break and meeting time and continute later and back to room. hope to make a good impression on the roomy. Goodluck.

Dilusion and Doom

Was it all a dream? It just all seemed to happen so fast. Yesterday just got back to school. I wasn't too excited about it. Earlier things were not going so well and even the evening before there were signs. The night before I had the faded black and white beaded bracelet snap off and it was like a movie where the beads would spill all over and then the bad feeling came over me. The next morning mum and I were running a little late, but we got it all done. For some reason I was a little disapointed with the whole trip. Not sure what was missing. Maybe I was looking for something new, but didn't find it.

**interruption** by call from Lu

So I got back to my room and it seems to familar and yet astranged. It's different without Shin around. In a way I do miss her. This semester shall be interesting. On getting here, everything was unpluged which was not a big deal but the pet pever was the room fone was not working and I am running out of minutes. Else I did get some more nice hanger from Shin and a comforter that smells like kimchi. And the fridger also smells like kimchi and I didn't bring any paper towels. sad sad. And things after that took an interesting turn...

Called to return keys. Was thinking I drop it off and then leave me be to my own musings. Things didn't quite turn out that way. Next thing I know I was on my bed and the rest was history. But it was strange like how most things are like. It was exciting or anything like that. It was just comfortable. It had a very strange feeling of calming. Nothing like I would have expected it to be like at all. I don't know what to say, I am just speechless over what happened. I really expect it nor did I expect me to react that way or feel that way either. I am surprised that I am not freaking out or anything really. Surprisingly taking this rather well like almost it was nothing.

So back to today. Lu called and freaked outed about the grading in her English class. But it was just standard grading. Then bumped into Sim and it's good to know Matty will be commuting as well. But complications arrises with MLK Day. So we shall see. And then just when I crawl back to my room, and to my surprise just missed arses call by mere minutes. Maybe it's better that way, I am running low on minutes either way. And today the worse possible text of all. They are jacking up the rate for texting to 15centes a minute. OMG how riduculious! It is just outragious and highway robbery. Good thing I don't text much now days. And just when I didn't think things could possible get any worse, I find out I have a roomy and and worst of all from Saudi Ariba. Goodness, maybe it won't be so bad, but who knows. It could be a good thing. Get me out and stuff and I don't really like being here much anyways. So enjoy the mement while I can. Maybe it's really a sign to go home. We shall see. Tormorrow we will know. And got an evil email about an eboard meeting, I know I would be getting that eventually. Just a matter of time, but I didn't expect it so soon. Not looking forward to tomorrow. It's going to be a long week.

Fear

Life is really different in a big city. Starting to get the onset of fear. It just came on suddenly. I could be because I am cold too so that can't really be helping. But I am also tired as well. Yesterday I got some small tasks done such as try to get the stain out of the carpet but it seems like I had no effect on it. Then I sewed back on a button. The weekend is right around the corner and I should clean out the fishies too soon. I shall work on the carpet again today. Pigeon showed up with more Ghost Hunters. I just realized after talking to him how so many people do not beleive in such things. But with so many incidents, it has to be something. Or how can so many be so worng? Yesterday gave em a call but didn't pick up. But it also reminded me off the other times I have called and no answer. Should I even be asking why? I shall try one more time before I leave, then I feel I have done what I can if eh has a problem with it. I will try. Today I should be going to Jermey's thing. Can't say I am that excited to go nor willing. But I know it's something I should attend. It's usually like is anyways. The same feeling of reluctantness. But at the end it's not as bad as I would expect and turns out pretty well. Today I did have a scare from aid in the mail. Freaked me out, but all at the same time it didn't really matter because everything was already done. So let me try to clean things up on this end and then it's off to Minnespolis. I shall let you know how it went. Hopefully it won't go on for too long, but as always, things have a way of not going according to plan.

Decisions

How can I have no control over how I feel? Starting to feel resentment. How I lose myself. My feelings are no longer mine to control. I sometimes I want to just cut all ties and be done with it. What does the Lord have in store for me? Can it all really be a test. A test of pacients? Lets try not to be too concerned with that other think and be selfish for a bit and just think for yourself. What can you do to overcome this? Or is the answer is to do nothing at all? But I want to assure myself that I did what I can. I pulled my weight and did my best. That is all anyone can ever ask for in someone is to do their best. I will try my best to be pacient. I will try my best to be open minded.

I just read an artical on Swayze and his battle with pancretic cancer. It made me realize how thoes kinds of things can hot you without notice and it can be over in a heartbeat. It happens to so many people. I know I have not always been the lucky type. But I suddenly feel I have to do something, or at least try. It's really grim prospects. But like that saying, if it isn't yours, then it isn't. No matter if you see each other everyday will mean nothing. But if it's meant to be, even if it means waiting a life time, you will be together. Maybe, but I still want to give myself some comfort that I did at least try.

Frustration

Your Horoscope - Today, January 5, 2009
You have got a great deal of energy at your disposal today, melly, but beware because it is erratic and powerful. You have the stamina to make major changes, and the window of opportunity to break free from any restrictions that you feel are holding you back. Embrace the new and fresh aspects of your life that ring true to your freedom-loving nature. Give your soul room to breathe as you take a long walk among the trees this afternoon.

• Lets start this off a little differently today. I do need to be free of this one way or another. I was feeling better yesterday and for a minute I was weak. It's better to know now than later. To play rather than be played. I do hope this opportunity comes soon. The pain that's all too familar is becoming more and more unbarable. Maybe I need to just get away from it all. I need to remember my teachings. Can it be worng to speak honestly form the heart? He does preach honesty. Maybe it's a sign or a test? No need to worry about something you can not control or have no control over, you are only creating more suffereing for yourself.

Taro>>> You’ve got an intoxicating encounter on the cards today if you’re going on a trip or cross the path of a stranger… The World sets you up for a change of scenery while Judgment guarantees that your relationships will be based on honesty. Fantastic changes are in store, melly! If some friends are planning a huge get-together today, go along. You won’t regret the journey! In your professional life, don’t hesitate to knock on new doors and try new opportunities. It may be time to widen your horizon somewhat. The World opens your eyes to things other people are engaged in, while Strength lets you discriminate between what’s good and what’s bad. By developing your curiosity in this way, you will come to a better understanding of your own motivation.

• On a lighter note, I am glad that I did go fishing today, else I would have really missed out or more so for them dad and uncle could have missed more. Giant muskie to same the day. When I first saw it, I had a feeling it was going to be big, but nothing I could have imagined. I thought for a second it was a snake. The body of it was long and thick as it was pulled from the ice, it shimmerd in the light before it rolled in the icy snow. It was an amazing sight.
• Crack crack crack, don't be caught up in the illusion dilusion, gotta crack crack crack.
• Some good things have come out of today was I did get the grant. It is really good enough.

Selfinflicted Pain

Not sure when one day begins and another ends. So far all, litteraly all negative assumptions has been worng. But not like I haven't been right before. SeungRi is so sharp in this, but so young, but no way I would have guessed ^^ So smexy. Yesterday was akward and after some thinking, had this perfectly laid plan where I would just lay it all out there. Was on the fone for almost 3 hours and half the time was in silence. And who said I didn't know how to make fone congee? =P But it all seems amiss. Problems problems. When I still don't see what the problem is. Why pick on something when it was fine? For it is fine. There is no problem now. I am glad it didn't go the way I had planned. Things really do have a way of working itself out.

Daily Planetary Overview
With Venus sextile Pluto today, emotions will be raw and intense. You will follow your passion and be hopelessly romantic. You may become obsessed with someone and throw caution to the wind. Things will heat up with your lover.

If I really did go with the orginal plan to lay it all out there then this would really happen. But something during the day changed it. Maybe the wind changed direction. So unexpected.

Your Lovescope - Today, January 4, 2009
This is a great time to be with friends. If you have issues to discuss with your nearest and dearest, then do so now, when there is the best chance of real communication between you. You will meet likely romantic partners whilst being your naturally cheerful and conversational self, and not by going out of your way to attract them.

At least when I did call, it was a more positive. That gave me comfort that things are okay and that I can leave it be. Don't worry, no problem. Hearing em so cheerful securies what I was thinking. I just want this to be painless as possible. I don't want anyone to be hurt. To prevent pain. We are really different like for the ghostie thing. I just want to be left alone to my own devices. I just handle it. Don't have time to deal with such pettie things.

Scope: >>> You’re not in a mood today to accept the kind of love that’s all embracing and doesn’t leave you room to breathe, dear melly. So if your partner shows any signs of possessiveness, you’re in danger of over-reacting and creating an issue. The combination of The Hanged Man and the Sun points to a certain degree of irritation in relation to any constraints on the emotional level, especially within a committed relationship. You’re prepared to go to any lengths in order to preserve your liberty.

How interesting, this was what I was thinking about this morning. It just couldn't work not for the reasons, but as I am still a perfectionist at heart and if I can't put 110% effort into something, I rather not do it and I just know I have no time for such things. And there's always the promise I should keep in mind. I do wonder if I am just being played. Or it could be a test. But I rather play then be played. Any lengths to protect one self. I let my guard down a bit last night. It will not happen again. I think it was because it was late and tired so I let myself slip up. It will not happen again. It's so gey anyways. I know there's a good chance I may overplay this song. But it really makes me feel I want to be him. It has been a long time I have felt that way. Before I thought it was God punishing me for feeling that way, so I changed. But right now it seems okay. Or at least I will look at both sides, not just one and relate to both to take away the best from both worlds. Maybe it will be more acceptable that way.

And yesterday got an interesting card from kangaroo. Surprised that mum took it well. It's something I too will have to deal with. It really is enough. Just as is is really good enough. It's really one of those I can not ask for more nor I really want any more. It's good at this level and that reminds me got an email from Estate Wang about the estate project and I wasn't sure what I was looking for but Mike's email was on there too ^^ So maybe I will get to see him. I was actually looking to see if Sarah's email was on the list but to my surprise there was Mike. keke.

Another things that has been bothering me is the bumps. Usually if I can get them to go away things will be better. But this time it seems like they are here to stay. They are less irritation now, but still bother some. So it's best to leave them alone at this time. Cream them maybe at least and hope they dry out or something.

Tired now, it could be of the inconsistent sleep last night. Lets not do that again if it can be helped. Take care of yourself. Good night Self. And not too shabby on the spell check.

Whatever

Can tell it's late and tiring. Even I am tired. So it's not a good thing. But I really need to look out for myself first. I really can not be troubled by such things. Really can not. Even if I were too, really can not. Really be hoping be spending less hours. But turn out to be spending more. What to do. How to fix this.

Love with No Regrets

Just let go, it's not that I don't love enough, it's already have enough. Contentment.
Yesterday was more or less to say interesting. Really wonder if it's all a big joke. What is worng with this picture? So the other day I just had to see if there was anything. Happen to be one go got on to see if any responce. It was more like a greeting for no longer than 5 minutes and from there, I knew there was nothing. There was no going back from that point. It confirmed what I was thinking, but I just had to be sure that there was also nothing left on my end. Yesterday evening proved to be interesting... topic was shattered, but it always went back to the same thing. What are we? I wish I could let this go as well. Let go, so there's nothing to be missed. With the language barrier in mind, should not take things so indifferent but more literal. What you want? What you want me to do? Just speachless. Hopefully it was just a dream or even a joke. A promise is a promise. This will pass. I hope soon and end thing.

On a lighter note, made sugar cookies with stephy. They were tasty and it was a fun mess. And I don't know if it was late or what, but sim did end up getting me a mp3 player. So it wasn't ideal, but good enough. Now it's just sit and wait. They are so late. It's almost redicuious. No matter, it doesn't change anything. We already know the ending. Nothing can change the invetable.