Blasphemy

Why I see things I do not want to see? I really don't want to see it. But it's the reality of things. How to deal with it? How to accept it? I want to know the true intensions. But can one really know? It's like I am stuck in this fantasy, of how I want things to be when reality really like to give you a swift kick in the butt and tell you it's not. How can I deal with this with loving kindness? I try to put myself in the situation and how I would feel and what I would do. But it really depends on the intention. Is it to hide or to deceive? Is it to cover something up or to deny one self? I do not know.

• ~For awhile, I let myself beleive~
• I never thought of getting married. Really, I didn't. Not that I didn't want to, but it just wasn't something I saw myself doing. But I figure, if I found someone, I would maybe not for myself, but for someone else. For awhile I seemed to have left myself and thought I found something I didn't mean to find. I wasn't even looking and there it was. I wasn't myself for awhile and I left myself get sucked into the fantasy. I beleived it. But there were so many signs pointing out that something was worng, something was different, something was just not right. I feel like such a fool to have beleived. How could I have beleived something so rediculious? I keep finding sign after sign. I find it hard to beleive in it anymore this dream. Slowly I feel myself waking up from this dream. I can't stay asleep much longer. The dream will soon come to an end. The pain eats away at me. At the same time it's like a release. This too will pass. I want to stay asleep but at the same time I don't. I can't be happy in this fog. It will soon rise to the surface. What one wants and what one does can be so different. I know I preptuate it by staying. Is this what I deserve? Is this a punishment? I just feel really stupid. So stupid. Maybe what they say is true, all good guys are either gay or taken.
• Sometimes I feel like taking it all out. I can hear that side of me raging. But can I really blame anyone? I wish not to be like that. I can feel the guilt on the other shoe. Yet I do not under stand what or why the things are done and why things have happened the way they do. I can sympathise. I really think I can if I can get the truth. I really do think th truth will set you free. It may not be a painfree process, but the pain will pass and you will be free. So you can appreciate the times when you are not in pain and in bliss. But how will I know when I hear the truth? Can I not turn a blind eye and turn it away just to get what I want? I fear I could do that. No one wants to be a victim. So don't act like one. All the fear, bitterness, and resentment. Is it all I see is the darkness? The wrose part and yet maybe the best is there is light among the darkness. It could also be because I search so hard for the light, I choose to ignore the darkess that surrounds it. These are dark times. But I do beleive that there is light in everyone, no matter how far gone someone maybe. I know if it was me, I wouldn't want people to give up on me. Today 20/20 really opened my eyes to autism. What we see on the outside and what we can't see on the inside. How one can think and feel so much and yet all we see is all this noise.

Story of my life. Is it not? Anyways, lets put that down for awhile. Really should get a start on the research. Think you can some churn out ten pages or so? I really hope so.