End

I guess it's nothing I actually considered it. I really thought this could last. Wishful thinking, hoping for too much. This all seems to familar. Like going through another nightmare. It's starting to scare me. It's the feeling of powerlessness. Unable to do a thing that's hard to accept. But lets try to think for him for a bit. If this is what wants, can I give? Can I let it go? As hard it will be. I know I have to if I truely love him. I want so badly for to be happy. I don't want to be the one to cause the pain. I do not blame anyone. It just wasn't meant to be. I will find a way to accept it. Soon I hope.

Dis

~Simplicity~
I guess I should focus more time on working on the computers today and general taking care of things. Instead of a rejection letter or an email, it's a rejection all. I don't know which is worse. And once again it's an internal thing. But I guess it doens't mean I should give up. And my search continues. But in a way especially with what has been going on this week, it's rather discourging. I am not the only one in this boat. But in a way I feel useless. Not like the feeling of not doing enough, but the lack of ability to do something. It's a nice day today and I don't want to focus on only the negative. my back has been feeling better since working with the machine. So that's a bright point. I wonder about many things and as often as I tell myself there's little to nothing you can do about it.

Disaster

Yesterday was so one. But I feel much better today, I should actually check the scope first before I get in over my head. Basically scope is telling me to take some time away myself for the day. I will be better prepared to deal with it later. And Taro is saying things will work out. And at the end, all as it should be. But I wonder if part of that has anything to do with if I should shoot a quick email in he day or leave things alone for awhile. But I guess reading what you did, you can antisapate what's going to happen. And in a way you don't really want to get involved. Family time is just that. Part of me just want to go along to aid in some way. But in the end it be just me.

I was just in the potty just now. I've been doing some thinking just as I always have. But as of right now, I just hope to wait it out and get the comp up and running when sim gets back.

I know it more or less it seems like it's only when the bad things happen I find myself here. I am aware of others concerns. And I find it hard to beleive some things more than others. I hope for peace and get over this soon. I wonder if it all goes back to paciences. I don't seem to have much of it now. I am making myself ill because of this. I wonder what's taking sim so long? I hope this discomfort in my stomach will go soon. I think I should move the boxes. It's in the way. Overthinking things makes me very tired. So don't do that to yourself. You don't need this. Don't put yourself through this. Don't do anything you don't want to. Nothing you are unconfrontable with. How to be at peace. I think I need to seperate myself from the ailing pain, which is myself.

But then again, things can be worse. Things can always be worse. It pains me to have to make these choices and then not know what is going to happen. Cool head and a warm heart. Worry. What am I waiting for? But then again if I don't hear anything, then I don't have to deal with it. Things will be as they should be. As they naturally are. Maybe it's time to try a different path. To live with the pain. To take some time to grow in peace.

Beef

Why so many people want to beef with me. I am not sure why the words keep on moving. I can only assume it's because I keep touching the touch pad. That's the only explination. I can only try to keep my fingers up. I know there's plenty of catching up to do but lets do what's pending at the moment.

Just got new laptop today. It's nice, but it's going to take some getting use to. I am not thrilled about spending so much on it. But I rather just get it over with. Of the past 2 two days, I have been troubled. More today than yesterday. But then again it has more been like the whole week has been like this. I am tempted to cover up the touch pad.
* * * ring ring * * *
I know it's for the better. It may not feel good, but some decesions are not easy. the best decesions are not always easy. Chances are, there won't be any sleep if it went on any longer. I think it will take some time to keep the fingers in place and get use to the typing. Things are reavativly in the same places. But I know my thumb has a tendacy to move around. As I go through things to toss from the computer, I catch myself thinking maybe would need this and save it. But I am sure be fine on their own. I need to watch out for myself. I see I have casted
this shadow of dout. I am sure I can let whatever left go and clear things out to keep it more simple, less things to move in the future.

Just Stop

Love: The Lovers
Touchstone: The Tower
Career: The Star

-->In your love life, try to leave the hatchet buried today, dear melly! Bear in mind that the combined influence of the Tower and the Lovers are bound to put you in a tense emotional frame of mind, with an explosive mix of doubts and aggression… You may have self-doubts, but keep in mind that this is no reason to also doubt your significant other. Try to avoid the conflicts that can so easily arise from all these misunderstandings. In these rather difficult circumstances, the possibility of a separation or a breakup – even if it does not last for long – cannot be totally excluded... Everything’s at cross purposes today at work, as the energies conspire to disrupt your self-assurance. The joint influence of the Star and the Tower denote ill-contained aggression. If you don’t manage to control your emotional state, others will see you as volatile and unpredictable and as someone who cannot be trusted to solve problems in a reasonable manner. Take that as a warning ...



Oh...My...Goodness. For some reason, in a time of dispair and a need for guidance. It's reflected there so easily, so simplie. You just can't make this stuff up. Even I want to say no, but it's all written there. It's all layed out for you. There's no denying it. It's even freaky how both days it's like this and both days it's almost the same. Yesterday was more careere based and today more emotional. I do hope tomorrow will shed new light and be at peace. I hope I can find peace. So much to do. So much catching up to do. I realize that I am too focused on the negative right now and forget the positive. But it seems so heavly out weighted right now. Too much on one thing. I need to get my mind off this for now. I may want this to run its course. But for now it's just too much to take. Such bad combination. But all things will pass.

Fallout

Love: The Lovers
Touchstone: The Tower
Career: The Moon

-->In your love life, try to leave the hatchet buried today, dear melly! Bear in mind that the combined influence of the Tower and the Lovers are bound to put you in a tense emotional frame of mind, with an explosive mix of doubts and aggression… You may have self-doubts, but keep in mind that this is no reason to also doubt your significant other. Try to avoid the conflicts that can so easily arise from all these misunderstandings. In these rather difficult circumstances, the possibility of a separation or a breakup – even if it does not last for long – cannot be totally excluded... On a professional level, the association of the Moon and the Tower is not exactly a happy combination. An unexpected event is threatening a project close to your heart or even your job. Whatever happens, you must refrain from getting into an argument with your colleagues, because that will only damage your interests. It's a bad day for your career…

It's interesting how this one hits the spot so well. It's not what I want to hear. But it's a reality. How heavy all this can be. All I can do is keep searching, keep looking. There will be a way. Continue as planned. At least I know I can visit now just for the sake of visiting. Lets get osme things done and I can catch up here later.

Backwards

Lets work this from a different angle. Went to use pigeons computer last night and helped to reorganize his cords and computer. The dinner wasn't bad at all. Not too shabby. Else, realized how dependant we are on the Internet and how we grow so attached to it. But just getting on to see something that takes as little as 5 minutes. But I think it's the control of when we can look and it's there whenever we want it. How avalible it is. Oh and I finally figured out who it was that was calling. strange who didn't leave a message. Or even email. But I think I shall email soon with what I got. But I wonder how well we should follow the outline or can we kind of go off on our own? But I think we should try to follow it as closely as possible and then add to it or divide it up. I got up from my perpective pretty early.

I want to say been having a tough time. But things are never really what they seem to be. What is really going on? I guess I be distressed too. But could it be waiting for the last minute to change? A desperate attempt against the odds.

Blasphemy

Why I see things I do not want to see? I really don't want to see it. But it's the reality of things. How to deal with it? How to accept it? I want to know the true intensions. But can one really know? It's like I am stuck in this fantasy, of how I want things to be when reality really like to give you a swift kick in the butt and tell you it's not. How can I deal with this with loving kindness? I try to put myself in the situation and how I would feel and what I would do. But it really depends on the intention. Is it to hide or to deceive? Is it to cover something up or to deny one self? I do not know.

• ~For awhile, I let myself beleive~
• I never thought of getting married. Really, I didn't. Not that I didn't want to, but it just wasn't something I saw myself doing. But I figure, if I found someone, I would maybe not for myself, but for someone else. For awhile I seemed to have left myself and thought I found something I didn't mean to find. I wasn't even looking and there it was. I wasn't myself for awhile and I left myself get sucked into the fantasy. I beleived it. But there were so many signs pointing out that something was worng, something was different, something was just not right. I feel like such a fool to have beleived. How could I have beleived something so rediculious? I keep finding sign after sign. I find it hard to beleive in it anymore this dream. Slowly I feel myself waking up from this dream. I can't stay asleep much longer. The dream will soon come to an end. The pain eats away at me. At the same time it's like a release. This too will pass. I want to stay asleep but at the same time I don't. I can't be happy in this fog. It will soon rise to the surface. What one wants and what one does can be so different. I know I preptuate it by staying. Is this what I deserve? Is this a punishment? I just feel really stupid. So stupid. Maybe what they say is true, all good guys are either gay or taken.
• Sometimes I feel like taking it all out. I can hear that side of me raging. But can I really blame anyone? I wish not to be like that. I can feel the guilt on the other shoe. Yet I do not under stand what or why the things are done and why things have happened the way they do. I can sympathise. I really think I can if I can get the truth. I really do think th truth will set you free. It may not be a painfree process, but the pain will pass and you will be free. So you can appreciate the times when you are not in pain and in bliss. But how will I know when I hear the truth? Can I not turn a blind eye and turn it away just to get what I want? I fear I could do that. No one wants to be a victim. So don't act like one. All the fear, bitterness, and resentment. Is it all I see is the darkness? The wrose part and yet maybe the best is there is light among the darkness. It could also be because I search so hard for the light, I choose to ignore the darkess that surrounds it. These are dark times. But I do beleive that there is light in everyone, no matter how far gone someone maybe. I know if it was me, I wouldn't want people to give up on me. Today 20/20 really opened my eyes to autism. What we see on the outside and what we can't see on the inside. How one can think and feel so much and yet all we see is all this noise.

Story of my life. Is it not? Anyways, lets put that down for awhile. Really should get a start on the research. Think you can some churn out ten pages or so? I really hope so.

Swiny

I really need tp find a pair that will not kill my feet. But earlier today, not sure but I had a rush of feeling of bitter resentment. I really don't want to be that way, but I know it will pass like everything else. Not like the swine flu thing is helping at all. I think the nap I took previously helped. Hopefully I will be able to get lots done in the next few days.

It was a chance of luck today when my section just got a 1/3 choped off. Was it all really luck? I knew I wanted that part, but who knew it would work out in my favor. The interview even went well. Although I still want to think it's more mere luck than actually skill when it comes to stock. But who knows, maybe I will change my mind and we shall see if this takes me anywhere. I am temped to get a new computer, but I do not know yet what I want to do yet. Boris be here tomorrow morning. It's strange how on the phone the wife was like whatever. It seems like there was a lack of care.

I do need a pair that's not as high. But the more I think about it, the more I think I will disapoint. I just want to be content with myself. But knowing I am causing so much distress, I feel such a failure. Can't I just be content? Why when the equation is added up it has to be this way? It pains me at times. I know the pain will pass. It depends if it will return. I know I am flaky. We shall see where this leads me. Maybe to somewhere that I didn't expect to. One step at a time.

I do not know if my swine if getting better or worse. Surprised I surived the two hours without going all hacking swine.

Sush

Sometimes you just want to hear it. Why it seems to like to always turn out this way? Is it a sign? Even when you know it's right, you are just not in the mood to deal with it. I knew this was going to happen and else knew as well. But doesn't mean things will change, you can just embrase for the impact. Doesn't mean you can change the outcome. How I just want to be left alone sometimes. It has been a long evening, it has put some perpectives on some things. Going to die soon anyways, it all be over soon. So better do things while you can. Tomorrow is not promised.

Amiss SwinFlu

Lets see if working on this here will make any difference. See if I have the same formating issues. I don't even want to bother now. I couldn't even paste. I put myself through my own hell. I need to clean some things out.

Love: The Moon
Touchstone: The Hermit
Career: The Devil

-->You're going through a rather solitary phase today, dear melly, withdrawing into yourself and maybe feeling a bit depressed. People aren't being sympathetic to your feelings or showing you any understanding. The alliance of the Hermit and the Moon indicates a deep emotional distress born of frustration and unhappiness. Don’t let the blues get you down, they will pass. Try looking forward into the future, don't dwell on the past. In your work, it looks like you don't know how to apply your knowledge and experience. The association of the Devil and the Hermit shows that your plans are being hampered by a lack of flexibility towards your colleagues and not enough strategic thinking. By trying to go too fast and refusing to delegate, you're shutting the door on opportunities for development. Back to the drawing-board!

Think I rather work with this. But lets see where this goes. I think right now what's bothering me now is the pesky finger. But I need to eat first and need to organize my own meal to eat it all before you know what freaks out. There's nothing really to communicate. I just want to know out of mere curosity. Else, there's nothing really. I like to waste time on things that will not make a difference. There's not much time left. So lets just get it all over with. Is it really time to sober up? But this scope here is kind of scary. Right now I don't care for it. It could be because I am not feeling well and could care less at this point. It kind of more or less reflected todays group meeting. Although I did get the section I wanted. I don't feel like doing some things, but it's things I need to get done eventually. Needs to be done eventually anyways, so why just do it now and get it over with. Will I ever want to do it? Will I ever be in the mood to do it? I don't think so. But once it's all done. I know it was the right thing to do.

One thing I have noticed is nothing more is that I am hungie in the morning, but after awhile if I don't think about it and keep myself occupied with something else, I don't have the feeling anymore. Is that such a bad thing? But I do have issues with getting things started. Lets just do it. be back soon to check on things. Oh I did get one thing done off my list just now assuming it's taken care of. Else can always add it back later.

Eggs and Chickens

Daily Planetary Overview
Mercury is in trine to Pluto today, bringing really great concentration and the ability to analyze problems. Your powers of observation will be keen and you won't miss very much. An eye for detail will help proofreading and error checking.

Your Horoscope - Today, August 3, 2009
You may find yourself with a sore throat and mild cold symptoms today, melly. It may be such that it'll affect your ability to work. As a Sagittarian, chances are that you're an active person. Having to slow down to tend to your health may have you feeling frustrated. Consider going to the doctor's office right away rather than leaving it. This may make all the difference in how long you'll feel under the weather and be held up from the things you want to get done.

Scary eh? It's so uncanny. It's hard not to beleive it. The past week some interesting excitment. But maybe at this point a little too much to say.

~Growing Pains~
Last week had an interview at a insurance place. I thought it went fairly well, but I forget to write a thank you letter. It wasn't until later last week I picked up a career magazine and it gave me some things to think about like what I can do with my cover letter and what not. I need to rework some things since it really hasn't been working too well except for interns. But I should have been able to capture some clues. I shall make do with what I have already and reworks things once I am feeling better. How I want to feel better.

~Caro~
It's strange how the paragraphs are kind of messed up. No matter. So today dad and uncle bought a car. It's not bad. Though we were slightly disapointed that we didn't get a little sporty car. Dad brought me back some sore throat meds. I took only one, but hopefully it will be enough. It's kind of silly to see how dad gets so excited over something like this. It was sad to see him ever so slightly disapointed that the program might be over. But that was what all the fuss was all about over digging out the lean certif.

~Sore~
Of late this week been feeling sore. Oh dear I need to take pills after looking at the time. Quick break and be right back. I need to check this one out too. So many to look at, but in a way I rather do it this way and cover more groud at one time. Think there's more of a chance this way? Or am I just deceiving myself.

http://www.absmn.com/about.html

But either way I need to try and there's even the northstrom thing as well. It can't hurt to try.

~Love Drunk~
The Lines are so messed up. Good thing I know some html to deal with it. There are some things that are disturbing me of late. Not sure if it's the swine flu or what. Or just fear. Maybe it's a bit of both. Got a call from Pastor Gery and Lulu. Will check on them tomorrow. I got other things to bother with first. But what to deal with first. I need to dig out some cards. I shall do that now and quick plow out a letter. I don't know why it's so hard just to find some simple cards. A few paper cuts later I finally find them.

~Hung Over~
Even though maybe on, nothing to say if anything at all. I think I needed to ask something, but it seems not to be important. I won't be and can't be bothered with it.

"All the bullshielt you put me through, I use to be love drunk, now I am hung over, Love you forever, forever is over. "

I spend too much time in worry. When things are better when you just do it and not worry about the consenquences much. Look at what is right in front of you. Not ahead or behind, but before you. I think I need to do some reading. But I know that not feeling well this weekend has really been a damper on my game. Hopefully tomorrow be a better day.

Egregious

Suck

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Been too tired of late, wanted to listen to something, but not sure what so I end up listening to a talk show. Something I been meaning to get to. I hope to finish this up soon. Get my mind on something else, but I like the point the host makes at the end of part 3. Intersting, just finished the whole video and it just seems like girls want security. How it's defined by each indivdual will be different.

~Issues~
I don't want to spend so much time on this. I hope to be able to get through this tomorrow. Many things have come across my mind, some highs and lows. But in general of late I have been cold. For the past day I have had a sore throat. I hope it's not a cold. It could be a lack of sleep. It could even be swine flu. I really hope not and hope I will soon get better. Can't worry about it now, I need to take care of myself. Goodnight self. See you in the morning.