Sleepless

This weekend I bring down. Spent a day with pretty much the usual shopping. I did something that I didn't expect last night was to tell mum about the situation. I know I need to talk about it, but I have not found the right time. Not yet, but soon maybe. When I feel the time is right and I have taken careful time and consideration of things before I rush into anything.

I don't know why I see this trap and yet I still walk into it. I can see mayself walking into it so well too. I almost don't see any other way around it. I see it so well in my head and I make it come true. Maybe I need to start wanting something else and seeing something else and start to want good things for myself instead of expecting the worse.

I feel like packing things up and dealing with it in the morning instead. Please take care and goodnight self.

Something to keep in mind today:
Daily Planetary Overview
With the Sun conjunct Mercury today, your intellectual powers will be strong. You will be able to think of responses quickly and express your ideas forcefully. With the two planets in Aries, you will get into heated discussions.
Your Horoscope - Tomorrow, March 30, 2009
Don't criticize the situation until you have come up with a better solution, melly. Be creative in your approach. Realize that much can be accomplished if you approach the situation with confidence. Being pessimistic about all the problems will not help with finding the solution. Let your mind relax. Your intuition will guide you. Feel free to speak out with confidence and strength. Perhaps the most fanciful-sounding answers will prove to be the most ingenious solutions.

Beautiful

So pretty. That's the first isn't it? Of late been lazy. I know it. But something has been bothering me. A little of the past and the present. Last night dome nite was fun. More like fun observing. I have a lot to catch up in every aspect. So I shall start with whatever comes to my mind first. First come first serve

On Monday 2/23 I want to think that I hope I don't regret doing what I did. I know the chances are low, but I need to be prepared to deal with the consequences. I pray to dear Lord to spare me. I seem to have made poor choices of late. I do not know for what reason. I maybe starting to drift off the path. The feeling was amazing. I just hope I don't regret it.

Dome night was fun yesterday 3/26, Troy riping his pants was hirlarious lol And it just got bigger. Beyond that, shoe was using cliets and overall I enjoyed it more than I expected. Hanging out with Lexi and Troy was fun. I actually will miss them. I am also still full of regret of not doing as well as I could hope. Oh, almost forgot to call mum about whats his face. Eep Before that went to Pakastain Nite and the food was so spicy. But some was interesting like the potato and flat bread, the fried milk ball. What was hilarious was the kid that went on stage to proceed to dance innopropatly.

After all was done and said. I know he cares and means well. I went through all this in my head. There is no reason I can reason in my head that I can find this acceptable. I imagin worse case senario and like the oprah show, after 6 kids later the truth finally comes out. But the other day I watched another ep and it's funny how the sword cuts both ways. I have wondered if I should ask about it or not? If I did how shall I handle it? After watching part of The Secret, I wonder if I attracted this? Or do I take it on faith? It's something that's diffcult for me to wrap my brain around. But like what I learned this week, doing it is easy, it's thinking about it that makes you very tired.

So last night was more of less a restless night. I even slept with my hair still wet. Was just going to lay down and next thing I know I fell asleep. Is it better to wait or to just it over with?

Taro: Your heart bleeds today, dear melly, and you’re finding it difficult to smile. The combination of the Sun and Death is asking you to draw a line under a painful situation that’s been dragging on for too long – a relationship that’s ended badly, a friend that’s gone away… whatever it is, you’ll have to get over it and believe in a happier future if you want to get that smile back on your face.

Think it might have been bleeding since last night. Just when things are feeling well, I find something that really throws me. Nothing but love and acceptance. But the hiding does bother me, but I understand. But the mission is not to get the answers, but to convey love and acceptance.

Inmoible

Dungness

Tired

• And another day goes by and I can feel the need to control. But in a way I have nothing to say. It's better just to save it. I have been thinking of how to explain things. Weather to accept or to challenge. Either way I just want to be left to my own devices. I really don't want anything and yet I need everything. It's like how much should you try before you know it can't be yours? But if you don't try you will never know. But can you know before you even try? 12 has always been a good number for me. I have 10min left to finish things off and to call it an evening. For a bit today I felt a bit of bliss. And for a bit bitterness. It's a feeling I have tried long to let go of.

• I want to let more things go. When when out today, I found myself being impulsive. I caught myself and made myself to let it go. It was a good thing. I think I can still love and let go. At least I hope so. I will do my best. For now get some rest. Goodnight self. I know I did not get enough rest last night. It's hard to say what was going on. The restlessness. It felt good the productivity. And yet the onset of pain the following morning. I don't want it. I don't want this. I must try harder to let it go. To get out of the dung I put myself in. Nothing I can do, nothing I can control. Only love and peace. Please take care.

Deeper Conversation

Pushing a wheel barrel is easy, thinking about it is the hard part. Stop thinking about it, stop worrying about it, just push.

Whatever you have to do in life, thinking about it is the hard part, doing is very easy.

Just thinking about it makes you so tired, zaps you mentally.

It's one of thoes times I wonder what I am doing with someone like that. But it has been awhile since I have felt this way. I wonder where the energy comes from. Or it could be that I am just upset. Or it could also be the little mint. Or just hornomal issues. I so really like the colors.

It's really nice. Once you really get going, it really doesn't seem like anything if much at all. It's to keep going, keep moving, keep doing. I know there's much I so much admire, so much I ador. Someone that I don't think I can ever be like but can't help but ador.

I really won't try to write too much or at least try not to make things so long. It makes think more difficult to read and seeing how long things are make me just not want to read it even more. But in general I don't have much to say. Just today I had a feeling that I have not felt in a long time. It's a long missed feeling, yet a painful relief. I talked to people that I have not talked to in a long while. Some self reflection maybe needed, else it's time to move. For now goodnight self.

Focus

It seems so much like spring today and for most of this week. I have been really trying to get little things done to feel productive. Finally have some red down there, but it's not as much as I would expect it to be. Hopefully it be more and I would be content with it. But I hear so often people say oh they thought they had it, but really didn't. It could be just minor leakage. But hopefully it be enough where it can't be confused with mnor leakage. Beside that. I know I been putting off econ for the longest time. It requires so much attention and focus out of me. But I really have to try. For now I shall try to cut down on the list and work on making myself better and more focus. I didn't really listen to music for 2 days at least and was doing okay I guess. I can always be better. But I am working on it. I wonder about my typing and how well can I type without actually looking at the key board. I really don't think I can do it very well. I have a very general and broad idea of where things are. But I am not connsistant. It's something I think I need to work on. But the more I think about it, the more mistakes I make without knowing it. But after all the typing I do. I still can not do it well enough. I can look at the keys and still screw it up. Don't think about things to much and just do it. It all seems all so familar. I mean almost everything I have gone through, it all seems so familar like I already know the outcome already. Like I am just going through the motions all over again.

On set of Fear

And it's the time of month again and there grows the fear. The oranges were really bad. I mean they could be worse, but they were still bad. I still feel I am getting nothing done and I can't get anything done. I wonder what happens when I am taking the pills and am in the red? But at least from what I have learned is to wait it out a bit. I know you can't wait too long, but you can't rush into anything either. Everything needs to be timed out just right. Just waiting for the right time. Everything needs to be done in a timely manner. I let this rest for now. It's hard to be turned down. I worry a lot. Even after taking some puercausion. I still worry. I need to be more consistant and more timly. I think with that I can feel better. I give this a rest for now and pick it up soon...

Irritation

I think most of the moodlyness is from the ittitation. I think I should try to resolve this now before it gets any worse. Or at lest this can't continue because it is really becoming bothersome.

stingieness, So gorgious

Suspecion surrounds the air. I guess I make up these stories in my head to make myself beleive things that are not really there or to not have to face the cold hard truth. I wonder and ask the Lord why I have to go through this. Why I have to mett such a fool. Why I go through the pain I do. Or do I put myself through such things? The attachment and need for control I know is starting to take over. The need to know what I can not know, what I don't need to know. Because whatever the answer is, it wouldn't matter. It's only to satisfy your own instability and self dout. Whatever answer even if the one you want to hear, you will dout and the worng answer will only prove you right, what you have suspected all along.

Never want to see you cry cry and I never want to tell a lie lie lie

His voice is really so gorgious. If I didn't know better, would have thought it be the a lady. It seems like my notes has more choices in fonts and more reflect myself. I really can not beleive so easily. Always keep yourself guarded. Only appear to beleive, but know in your heart, you know the truth. I can try to love with care and compasion. But I treat everyone like that. To be the player and never be palyed. To never be the victim

Cichlid

Like the clouds you
Drift me away, far away
And like the sun you
Brighten my day, you brighten my day
I never wanna see you cry cry cry
And I never wanna tell a lie lie lie
Said I never wanna see you cry cry cry
And I never wanna tell a lie lie lie

Are things really as they appear? I just need to keep on working, keep on doing. Realize what I am doing, what is happeneing, what is going on to me and my surroundings. Never get too attched in an lasting effort to constantly improve. Do not worry much, the more you get done, the easier things will become. Do not advoid the inevatable. Do not run, do not hide. Show no fear, have no fear. There is nothing to fear except fear itself. The addiction, the attachment, so long have I battled it and thought it was a war long won and over. And yet it returns. A long lost enemy I faced and forgotten.

"When I see you, I run out of words to say"

Take things as they are simply, unchanged and as they are.

How Boring

So tired and yet so much to do. Not sure if I should take some rest and then get some stuff done or what. And my folder is stil missing... Oh where could it be? I know I didn't have it on the day of the test because I wrote it on a note pad. So the last time saw it was home. How I seem to be losing everything. Lossing grip. Have I been trying to hold on things too tightly? I still wonder if I should confront. But I think as long as I don't get too attched, no attachment. Then it really doens't matter.

Just a Few Cactus

It's actually kind of chillie in here. Maybe some hot choco would do or even some warm tea. But that's not what's bothering me now. I don't feel like doing anything because I fear I will not be able to do it well enough. Oh well, can't hurt to try at this point. And dang it that everything got wet. Things are just not going well this week at all. First there was a flood in my backpack, then a missing folder and notebook for corp, then accting went down the crapper. It really has been a crappy week. And now online radio not even working and I'm feeling a bit chillie as well. So lets see what I have to do first.

• Lets first pound out Instit essay
• Then pound out essays for both jobs
• Next the live in essay
• Following the ... goodness so many essays...

Well lets work on that first and can always make another list. I am not sure what is behind me but it sure smells like a pig gross. Yuck! I know what I found still bothers me, but in due time... But it freaks me out to find that kind of stuff especially when everyone suspected it in the first place. It's still freaky and still gives me chills. I'll work on crunchy messages when I'm done with the stuff that needs to be done first. I am sad and scared, but where is it coming from? Good question.

Oh thank god the smellie pig left. So icky. Demand nothing, ask no questions, complete free and letting go. Unmonkish hour. Oh mygoodness I am really getting tired. I don't know, I am just drawing a blank right now. I just have a few more sentances and I'm drawing a blank. So tired. The video is really high quality. Selfless love.

Love and Kindness

Imagin how difficult it is for someone to live with it. The door to your heart to remain open. The kindness and acceptance. I read something ex wrote and I don't want to be that bitch. It must be difficult even without me making things more difficult. Can and have acceptance? It sure be easier if it's coming from both sides and be more willing to open up. Praise gets you everywhere. Still a geed friend and person no matter what. Express your love and acceptance of them enough.

I love you daddy, you are such a good daddy. Can I have some more pokemon? ^^

I am feeling a mix of emotions, I don't know if i am worse off today than I was yesterday. I don't know if I want to scream or cry. I think if I just got an honest answer, it be enough. Maybe the answer will come to me in due time. I do really want to get this over with, but I need to handle this with care. With love and compasion.

Your Love is a Lie?

I can feel the pain he's in. Today I learned something that I guess I could have expected. And yet I still don't know how I should react. I know I am stupid, but not that stupid. I don't know how to approach this. But I don't want to stress anyone out. Nor do I want to deal with this right now. I need some time to think.. Whatever the answer, it doesn't change who is. I just may not be attracted in that way anymore. But still the same person I adore. I admire so many qualities in. Has done so much for me and helped me out. Has been very good to me. Really, truely has been. I really do care. I want nothing more than happiness and well being for all I care about. Especially... I guess I feel decived or maybe lied to. But these are all feelings before anything is talked about. I know I am preparing for the worse. Although it should have been something I knew. Something I felt. I knew it was possible. Oh how it tugs on my heart strings.