Eye

Eye is a hurting this evening. I recalled something ah moe said about something growing in her eye and she popped it. I noticed I had something like a white ball growing, but wasn't sure what it was. But today I decided to take it out. And I did. And it stings. Hopefully it will be alright. Can't say this is very comfortable, but I am hoping I could get this done sooner.

Today I looked up Asher on facebook and noodle as well. It feels somewhat comfortable in times of stressing and uncertainty. But it's a nice thing where the focus is not always on me or about me. Once in awhile it's nice to focus on something else. It really is.

There's always another day.

I feel his pain. He really has been stressing on the while marriage situation. I hope it get better for him and they will find peace. I still feel bad for myself. But I don't want to think about myself for now. I want to put that baggage down. It gets heavy and makes me tired.

Take a fresh look at your career situation. Emotions point to change.

Of the past week, I have been stressing. Really stressing. I don't know how to sit better. I am not eating well and as a result I am losing weight which really ticks me off. I was glad earlier that I was bleeding, but I think because of my diet, I was not bleeding well. So while I work on this, I am listing to relationships and take notes. The past likes to get in the way doesn't it? It has a way of getting to me.

~How you relate to people~
You should only think of US.
It's what we share between us
What we see in another person, is what grows in them, what we expect?
No fear or control, put peace, kindness, forgiveness, love and respect
Look at people with kindness and respect..
We make thing happen, no relation is meant to be
What we water, grows
What you see in another is what grows
What you make of them is what makes a tasty cake



Daily Planetary Overview
Mercury quincunx Mars today may bring a restless mentality and the tendency to argue. You'll have to watch your temper and bite your tongue. You may express an opinion without thinking about the consequences, and have a lack of tact and diplomacy.

Your Horoscope - Today, Jan. 25, 2010

A surprise in the department of love and romance is on its way to you, Melly. Things are coming around full circle, and the investments you made in this realm of your life are finally paying off. Something new is cropping up, but in reality, this is a result of things you set in motion long ago. Be open to embrace the tremendous flow of love and beauty that are coming your way.

All this sounds nice. I really do hope for.

Dreams and Other Things

I had a dream today or was it more like last night. I am not sure what it was related to, but I think it may have something to do with the tutorial last night in the calling center. It sure is cold down here, but I am hoping I can get more done today.

Save me, I'm lost, oh Lord, I have been waiting for you.
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for.
Please, I'll be strong.

Holes in the Wall

That's all I could see..

Life Unexpected

~Taro Taro~
There's an element of contradiction in your love life today, Melly! The influence of the Emperor and the High Priestess is making you more critical, and this is putting distance between you and other people. You just can't stop yourself from challenging everyone's ideas and habits. It's making you cranky and dictatorial, so if you're not careful you'll be getting on your partner's nerves - or those of a potential new lover! A word of advice: stay away from heated discussions. Your attitude at work seems to be lacking in flexibility. And the Tower and the Emperor aren't assisting in the spirit of cooperation either. You are so convinced you're right that you're acting like a bulldozer, without worrying who you run over in the process. Since your colleagues aren't in the mood to give way, you're in for some strained relations and harsh words.

Today overall started off well for the most part and then it went for a slump during the early evening from not finding the nuts I was looking for to dealing with more criticisms. But it's not like they don't have a point. I know priorities. It's not like I can compete. So I got to learn to deal with it. Does it seem fair? Nothing seems to be enough. What is enough? Like anyone would be acceptable. Can it be worse? How much can I take?

~Life After You~
I finally recalled this song and added to the list. No one ever said there was no life afterwards, it's just a different one. One ending and another one starting. It has been awhile death has crossed my mind. It's nothing that I want to linger on for too long. It gets a bit depressing and scary. Not sure what to do. But I got other things to deal with now. If I can't get one thing done, then I should work on another till the time is right for the other. It all needs to be done anyways in which ever order. Though ideally I had an specific order, but things don't seem to turn out the way I want or plan.

All I am after is a life full of laughter..

~Progress, or more like lack of it~
I am trying to fill out the MFPP forms, but I can't seem to email and get answers. Hopefully if they are no included, it will surely save me a lot more forms to fill out. But either way, I want things to be fair. I will try to send it out again soon and I got calls to make.

And that was the worst assessment ever. I couldn't even make an appointment. Fail.

It's funny how no one is speaking today. Not sure what is going on. It could be the lather. I am just tired. But I need to get my arse up tomorrow morning. If I can get this, I will find a way to make this work. Not sure what the Lord wants from me these days. I seem to be lost more or less. Hopefully I will find my way soon..

Chasing Perfection

They want you to know the best version of themselves

Today so many things have been running through my head. There are old habits that keep creeping up. It makes me want to turn back to them such as..

• Working Out
  
• Crunchyroll
• Livejournal
• Doing things now rather than later..

Not sure why can't seem to get much done now days..

Hurt

~Dreams~
So I wasn't able to get up when I actually wanted to. I did have a dream though. Something a call and was going to meet at like some cave. It was something like from Ridick the tunnels with the worms or grubs. So I get this call and so I arrive. Think it was after class or something and no one was there. Thought they started already but was not sure. But I noticed the cousin's backpack on the ground in the corner, but now that I think back, I knew it was backpack, but for some reason I thought it was cousins. So I decide to try to catch up with them and start crawling. But I run into a giant wormy grub thing. I later get a call but not sure why I didn't pick up or couldn't. So after being scared, I get back home only to see snuggling with cousin in bed. I am not sure if I was mad or shocked. I then woke up.

This is another one of them paragraphs that I looked over:

I am an international student from Macau, China. I have received a few scholarships from SCSU which have helped me a lot in achieving my goals. With the scholarships, I am able to work less and concentrate more on my education. The extra time scholarships have given me has given me opportunities to participate in different student organizations and University-wide committees. These experiences have given me the opportunities to explore more interests which have lead to the development of my interest in the student counseling graduate program. Scholarships have played an important role in my college career and has helped me find my own interests.

~Using Musing~

My Bum is Awsome

I never seem to be able to get anything done once I get back.. Hopefully after reading the scope, though I can not see it now. I am not sure what it is really as what it is referring to as there is a lot of uncertainty of what to do about certain things. I hope for the best on where I be or going this weekend and if and how if I should approach this.

As time passes, it doesn't seem so bad as I calm down. I am still disturbed, but at least calm. I forgot about the whole image thing. It's nice how it adds color, but I seem more lazies now days. I recall I had formatting issues with the image thing that I gave up. But maybe adding it later or at the end may help.

Turtle with a Mustache

Daily Planetary Overview

Venus sextile Uranus today will bring a range of emotions and new personal contacts. Surprising situations will turn out for the best. You may not see this at first, but eventually you'll understand why things are happening.

Yesterday was though. There was a time where I thought there could have been a abuse of power or of opportunity and so it was taken away from me. But now magically it as arisen again. Will I make the same mistake again? I hope not. There are many things I do not know yet. I worry about the reason. I have been haunted these past two days. I worry. I really do hope things do turn out for the best. Last night I spent most of the evening thinking up how this would all go down...

~Lies~
I wonder was this all kept from me on purpose? Are you doing this to hurt me? What have I done to you? It makes me want to go back to the mistress mindset. At least someone knows what is going on... What are we doing this for? What is the meaning of all this? I feel confused, more than usual. I thought about it. Maybe spend hours on it. The feelings has seemed to simmer down. I am glad. But do not know yet how to deal with it yet. I hope with time and prayer, the answer will come...

It's funny how we are watching the same channel and yet we are in different rooms. I am not sure how to feel about everything, all I know is that I need to get things done. There's something that I noticed yesterday suddenly. I realize I no longer need or long for a mouse. I recall at the beginning it was difficult, so uncomfortable. But after forcing myself to go through it, it has become like second nature now. I have no issues with it now. But I still find it uncomfortable the position.

Is this all to painful to go through again? Is it worth it? But you really don't know if you have not tried.

Tarot
In your active life, “Good things come to those who wait,” is your motto for the day. Without making big waves you’ll progress slowly but steadily, with intelligence and discretion, stimulated by the beneficial combination of the Sun and the High Priestess. Your ability for penetrating analysis, your creative vision and your logical approach will impress your partners and your colleagues. Why not be a little more forthcoming and share your ideas more openly?

I do hope the patients pays off... I know I have not been of late. But I know I shouldn't be so cold. I can do what I can. What one does is really ones own choice. As hard as it is to accept it, I have to. It's funny how we are on a roller coaster of emotions. I must not dwell on things. Speaking of emotions, a few days before saw the most interesting doc on emotions. I think it maybe something useful.

Opera show today was interesting on international relations, to use someone.. wonder if I am missing out on something.

What Do You Want From Me

It's a statement, not a question.

Daily Planetary Overview
Sudden changes will be disruptive today with the Moon square Mars, but there can be a positive outcome. Your emotions will be unpredictable under this influence, and you may not be able to trust them. You'll be fiercely independent and self-sufficient.

Your Horoscope - Today, Jan. 9, 2010

You may sense a bit of conflict in your world today, especially when it comes to your emotions, Melly. Keep in mind that your perception of the situation is apt to make or break the result of any sort of dispute. Look for opportunities in the spaces where you might disagree with others. You can gain a wonderful perspective today when you open up your channels to things that are completely new to you.

I can tell this is really affecting my emotions. But I know I need to keep them under control. I can not let them get the best of me. I am in for some rough times. I know I can not change this over night or learn how to deal with this. I sometimes feel if I had a job, things be different. and yet could take me away. Or maybe I am coming up with excuses.

(I knew it, on for 2 second and then off. Am I being played? I much rather be the player)

So try not to think to much of it, I don't want to keep reliving it over and over again. I know have this impatient beast within me that either needs to be tied up, tamed, or cages up. Really forgot the mistress complex. Why are they so tempting? Think I rather be the mistress than the wife, at least the mistress knows the real situation of what is going on unlike the blind wife. But what are the chances he'd leave the wife?

Maybe email is the way to go. No more waiting. It's at everyone's convenience.

Connections

Starting to feel too much this way more often than not. But like most everything, can't control much if anything. I keep on feeling something is wrong. Like most things, it just doesn't make sense.

Building Walls

Building Hearts, Not Walls

Never getting agreements
Using disappointment or not getting your own way to use it to train yourself to not always HAVE to get your own way
You can't control this world
Put forth kindness
Frustration and Anger
Flushing Forgiveness, Peace, Kindness, Wisdom
Compassion and Ability to Let Go
The Intention, Kindness, and Sharing in the container (my god, now I feel bad)
Doing the best you can and have given
Don't judge results, it's the path
In meditation, are giving and expecting nothing in return
To forgive and expect change, then your missing the point. Do it for the inspiration of forgiving to raise you to a higher level, outcomes demeans forgiveness
Perfect the process of peace and kindness, and wisdom
Illusion of control
Controlling, Frustration, Anger, Depression

Catching Up

Caught up with a bunch of people today. Well I haven't been feeling well and nor would I say 2 people as a bunch. But for the most part, the ones that more or less mattered. While one is having a tough time and still trying to get his act together. Though I do see some slight improvment, but tough nether less. The other while from previous convers seems to be doing well, times and relations have been strained. Who knew when things were specially seemingly going well.

Stomach is not feeling well. It could be the soupage or just my diet. Can't say I am doing well. I am letting things bother me and interfear with my own musings. I feel I have done some things today, but felt distracted. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. And as each day goes by, hopefully it will be better and heal.

Daily Planetary Overview
The Sun quincunx Mars today may disrupt many of your plans. You may have to stop what you're doing to manage someone's anger or defend yourself. You may feel motivated to get a project completed, but won't have the resources to proceed.

Your Horoscope - Today, Jan. 7, 2010

Today you might intuitively pick up some rather strange and unsettling thoughts and feelings from a brother, sister, or neighbor, Melly. However, this person isn't likely to want to talk about what's bothering them, even if you express concern. Sometimes people have to work these things out for themselves, so just make it clear that you're available if they want to talk about it. Then let it go. Right now that's all you can do.

~Troubled~
As talking to people, we discover we all have troubles. Today I know earlier said something mean and said something meaner. I don't know why everyone picking on. What do so wrong you have to do that? It seems so unfair...

Peace of Mind

~Let it Burn~
Of all the things I remember, this is something I recall. maybe because I did actually try. I am not sure why I cause myself so much heartache. Should I just let the past be the past? But I fear that some how the past likes to come back and chomp down on yo arse. But after the burning pain of last night. I am actually really tired of thinking of it. If this is anything like past experiences, I will just get tired of it and grow numb. All I know if that all I can do is try my best on my end. I know I want to try to control the other end as well. But it seems like something no one can do. One will have to be responsible for ones own choices.

I fell they are right in the way that because of this attachment, weather it's a spouse of child, you feel the need to pry. I need to try to focus on myself. Take care of one self before anything else. I do still worry about things popping up unexpected. I have not yet figured out how to deal with it yet. Hopefully the answer will come to me soon...

So no mp3 player, but at least I found some songs.

I am rather tired now, yet so many things to be done. Tomorrow I should have more time and be warmer. Where is that dran mp3 player? My soul needs a feeding.

• Cleanse Phish
• MNPP Renew
• Look UP GRE - have print

Funny how there's a song for everything eh? Goodnight self

Crawling

I had some thoughts, but it seems more and more now days it seems for nothing. It's a new year and I can't say it has been bad. But for the past weeks, it has really given me something to think about. This is really like chewing one of them never ending gums. Just chew and chew. I learn I can't assume things. I can't generalize. I should try to ask more questions and be more clear. I know by reacting the way I do, it closes opportunities to learn more. My reaction will prevent further investigation.

~Care~
To care for someone, I do not know if that is something I can do well. Been worrying about many things of late. I need to keep warm first off.

And suddenly I thought of something to do with the little plastic containers.

Just try to care. I think that's all you can do. Is just care and love for the sake of loving. I think I have put certain things on a pillar and do not know how to get it down. What to do? But it sometimes gets to the point where I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to wait.

~At Your Convince~
I still can not seem to be able to find the answers. I wish I knew. You will know what you need to know. There's no way to know everything. Even for me, there are things I am hesitant to talk about. Things I rather not talk about. At the end does it really matter? Nope, not like you can do dittly squat about it.

~Ends~
After these few weeks and the weekend. It's hard to say how I feel. It really has been a splurge of emotions and happiness and sadness. Sitting down here has been nice in the basement. It's cold yet calming. It makes me sit up right. Keeps the blood flowing. Think it better not to take things so personally. Better to work on inner peace and compassion. I don't want to hate or want anymore. Try to keep thing simple.

~Player~
But where in the world is the freaking mp3 player???! I have almost turned the bedroom inside out. But I have a feeling that I put it somewhere on purpose. Hopefully it will crawl out on its own eventually.

And yet I can't help but have this feeling that I was played. I am not sure how to get over it yet. Been pretty traumatic this weekend among other things. Doesn't seem to bother to know or to ask. So should I bother to say? I am a fairly open person. It doesn't matter, I shall be as I am.

Stop callin, stop callin,
I dont wanna think anymore!
Stop callin, stop callin,

I dont wanna talk anymore!