Pain and Depression

I feel so useless right now, like I can no do anything right. try as I may, I can't seem to get it right. I do enjoy studing, but for some reason I have a hard time getting myself to do it. Don't be lazy and get it right. I need to reassest the situation. I really have no one to blame but myself. I need tog et my proiorties straight and set much higher standards. I kind of like the elevator music, maybe do a search later. I feel tired and want to just curel up and die. But I know I can't give up. I really can't. No matter how hopeless things seem. I can no give up, that plain and simple. Just keep yourself busy. You know you like it. It has been awhile since I did some real typing. But it's a good thing. To do some some self reflecting and I need to trust myself and go with gut feelings. Please do take care of yourself so you can do more.

Abnormal Profits and Money

The abnormal. So I try to look for mgmt, but I can't seem to find the test for some reason. Or at least the second one seems to be missing. But for now I can't be bothered with it. I have bigger fish to fry. I try not to think to much of this, after all, am not the only one. Okay, so I could not fix chin by leaving it alone. Instead I picked at it some more and try to get it to peel. That seems to be a solution for everything. Just to get it to peel. I should have resume all churned out, but I feel I would need more time for secure. I feel like I really can't get anything done at this rate. But I know once I get started that it will be okay. I am trying to decide if I should leave to do this or what? This is proving to be more difficult than I expect. Why it's so cold, I think I just need to bundle up like a worm and see how things go. The faster I finish this, the sooner I can sleep. Right after the meeting I need to be quick like a bunny.

Reflection

And I don't really like what I see. But we shall see what comes of this. But there are things I have to do. I just need to get myself to do it without hessitation. I can smell popy corn and xbox in the next room. It's funny how flash doesn't work on this particular computer in the lab. Maybe it's a sign to not to play. But I did go over two econ quizes. I should go through them again later or tomorrow and eventually get them all into thy head and spit it all out for the test. From the 4th to the 23rd, nothing till today. What think this is? Some friend. Call to brag how well things are going? I don't have time for shiet. I won't put up with the craps. So figuring the last secur quiz wasn't so bad. But time passes so quickly when you are having fun doesn't it? Or when you are actually learning. And what the faking hell is with this computer? First there's no flash and now no adobe? Freaking hell.

Shame

Ye, I feel like mr pumpkin here because I did it all worng. I don't know what to say. I got no one to blame but myself. I shall wait for the grades and if worse comes to worse, I will drop it and attand intersession. I don't know if I can take that kind of chance to try to pull of something merichal on the final and get an C overall. I really can't keep doing this to myself. I will have to try my luck here and really try to get decent grades. I really can't take short cuts on this, I really can't. You had a way down. You really can't be bothered with the wasted ink and paper. It really can't be bothered. You need to take care of yourself. You are very important and don't put anyone else before you especially not a suy sun. My gift is really my curse. I should really learn something from all this. All very painful lessons. I really can't beleive I screwed it up. It's never as it appears. It's never as it seems. Never as easy as it looks. I should have been able to do this one especially he told us what it was all about and stupid journal entryies. But it's really the difficult things that are worth doing isn't it? I will take percausuions because I really can't risk it.

I am sorry for disapointing you. I really am. I am so sorry. I will clean up my act. I really will. Not later, but I will now. I am just so sorry. Please forgive me. After everything you have helped me with and the chances you have given me. I am so sorry. I can feel the burning pain I have caused you and other as well as myself. Self inflicted pain. I must always remember this. I must always keep it in mind. The act itself I can never stop. Can never be lose, always be uptight. Can't be stingy no more. How much I have wasted and squandered. How I suffer as things get better for. I wish for hell for. How I need this. How I want things to be better. How lazie can I be? How stupid can I be? All the work and effort. Can all be for nothing. I really need to pass with a C. Can I still? Is it possible? So help me God. I know you have helped me, I know you have tried. But I have no excuse. Realistically there's no where I can go. There really is no where I want to. Technically if I get 100 on the next some I can what what are the chances? I can't even do journal entries. I feel like starting over sometimes. When knowing you can't always do that. I really do some damage controll. I really need to try to save myself.

I really need to be more consistant. Always working on things so I don't ever have to study. In a blink half a semester is already over. Let it go, let it all go. I wonder if I can take the hit, but realistically I don't think I can. I really can't. I don't work on it enough, I really don't. And I can't take a hit right now. I shall wait and see nrxt week and by then I will have enough information to decide for myself. All in due time. Scope just tells me to keep moving and not to sit still with indecesion. I know it's the best way to deal with anything. For now I shall move on and keep moving. For I an not looking for a place to stop or to rest. I am done resting. Rest and sleep are for people. For I am neither or. I need to start kicking some arse as cold as I may need to be, it gets the job done. If I run on hate, put unrelentless hate and revenge. It may not be the best way, but it works unfortunattly. Especially seeing how well doing. First you were the best friend and then nothing, drop you after has better things to do. Wait till your world goes to hell. I will not let you off that easily, you will pay for it. I will make sure of it. You will pay.

Brute Force

Some hot choclate does sound good right about now. But then again anything does. It's fun on first impression who it's so busy especially on a Sunday evening. It makes me want to be more studious, gotta check out the competition. On a odd site note, someone has been dinkering around with my msn. Bad bad. But it's a rare thing I have going here to come back so soon. How everyone is so driven. And then you got mr lazie bum here.

I do miss the feeling of studying. But do I want to take a chance? I dout it, but I think I will on Tuesday just in case.

Systematic Risk

Sagacious, that word hit me like a ton of bricks. How long has it been since I have seen that word? Something different. Something different has happened. It's hard to explain what occured. But after last nights fallout, overall I have been feeling better. I really don't want to put on a mask and go through the motions. But sometimes it just seems like it's the best way to do things. Is to just put up a front. No one said you had to do this all day or this is what you have to do all the time. It's work smarter, not longer or harder. I do need to rethink some thing and rethink my reproach. In a way the result does not matter much to me. I really do not know why nor do I really care to know anymore. Somethings are not for you to know. I have more pressing things to deal with at the moment.

Jerk

Sometimes there's just no better way to describe it. Who knew of all the things, this would be the cause of the tears that so long ago has stoped. Tears that has long dryed could be again. Who knew. Maybe it's more than I realize myself. It makes me want to do something because I am so pissed. But actually I am not really that pissed, but I want to put this negative dark energy into something useful. It's like I really want to do something in spite of it and yet nothing at all. It makes me question the motives. I get so tired of the crap. I do understand though, I really do. But it's just a lot right now for me to take. Maybe on a better day. But mom is right, I really need to reconsider. If what happens is that I just get scolded, then I don't need to take that kind of crap. I don't need to be there to take it. I should just give him hell for it, but I shall not. I will not let anyone effect me in any way. Hell I will not let anyone get to me. You choose to be the way you are and I have choosen what's best for me. I can no help nor control how you feel or react. Don't drag me into your shiet. Leave me out of it. Just because you feel the presure to doesn't mean I have the same. You deal with it on your own. Not that I mind it if you need help, but don't give me crap for it. I won't take it from anyone, especially not from you. I am just tired of hearing it. It's really enough.

Creating Chemistry

Something about this image it should be the other way around. Want to be more handsome, it seems to be the way to go now days. Or at least I think that's how I felt, it's all about the perspective. And oh how things don't go according to plan. Not even lunch did without running into. But I can't complain free food, but it's not the way I wanted it. So many things not according to plan. There's an idealogy, but I know it take time and effort to persue.


Ying Han Wong

11089 Sprucewood Lane N

Champlin, MN 55316

Toasty

Who knew toast could look so good? Maybe I do need as toaster or I should just well I don't think the toaster is there no more. There use to be one. And so we were locked out of accouting. Thank the Lord and so I don't want to squander this time on anything that will not help me. I did try to drop by health services but they were closed for like every other building here it's closed due to president's day. Sad sad. As I try to find hope for today.

Scope: Daily Planetary Overview
With Venus sextile Jupiter today, you'll be kind and generous with everyone. You'll be in a good mood and have great hopes for the future. Even if you face a challenge, you will do it cheerfully and with grace.

Your Horoscope - Today, February 16, 2009
Climactic events are apt to pop up in your life, melly. It is time to condense and solidify your grand schemes and bright ideas in such a way that makes them more practical. Things may be spinning so fast that you aren't quite sure where to jump on. Worry about this later. For now, what you need to do is express your ideas forcefully and succinctly. Doors will open wide.

Things seem hopeful, but one can never tell. But even if I can not prevent the inevetable, I should prepare for the worse. Taro just in general saids to be careful with what you say to the people around you and to be werry for misunderstandings. I am not looking for love or anything of humanly desires. I don't want to disapoint, but I need to do what I think is right. But toast sure does sound really right about now. Who knew pound cake would seem tasty after toasted. Hopefully this optimisim will last through the day. I think the sunlight is helping. Something about large windows. And now to the crapy news, I can't find my financial calc. There's no reason why I should not have it unless I left it in my room but either way should check. But why I take it out of I did?

I have thought about it to tell, but I know it will only stress out and if by some slim chance it was nothing then all the worry for nothing. But either way, if soon enough, it can be made easier. Who knew the odds were like this, then again I was never so lucky. Funny how this world world works. People who want one can't and people who don't do. Ironic isn't it?

And now I remember why I linger in the library, cuties keke ^^ Okay so not all of them are as cute =.=

Tears of the Past

The pain I put myself through the choices I make. Although I have been feeling better since reading that a side effect is a delayed period cycle is normal, I still have hope. But I still have fear and the best way I can think of the deal with this fear is to just stay away. I know how I can be, but it's the fear now that will keep me away or at least for this week it will be just the week of exams I can not aford to not try my best. The printer is not working and then there's so much uncertainty. Lord, anyone, just anyone that can hear me. Make this go away, take this away from me. I can do anything for you. I know what I have done, I really have learned my lesson. Please, I will take better care of myself so I can serve your purpose. Please spare me. It's like everything is coming back to bite me in the back. The parents do not approve. This will not help my cause. And I just googled that the first day of spring is on march 2oth. I know I have all this fear, but the best thing I can do now is to pray, but all the fear and anxianty into good productive use, gain whatever knowledge so I can deal with whatever may be thrown at me and while I still can.. do what I have to do for I don't have much time left..

While I still have what little time I have left, I need to get done what I wanted to before it's just too little too late no matter whatever is happening around me. For now, I shall focus on econ and get what I can done by disgussion time. Goodluck.

Suffering

I am starting to feel like my old self. I wonder if this it worth it? Greetings self, I know you been MIA for awhile. I have missed you. I sure do hope you are well. Just did some econ today and I guess the book is the key to the answers and some luck of course can't hurt as well.

Taro: It's not exactly a trouble-free day today in romantic matters, dear melly… The Moon and the Lovers are working in tandem, creating an atmosphere of discouragement and uncertainty... You are inclined to distrust the good intentions of the people close to you and to question their love. It goes without saying that such feelings are diametrically opposed to creating an atmosphere of happiness and fulfillment... Be on your guard against an onset of the blues! As far as work is concerned, you are expecting a big change, an agreement or a contract perhaps, a promotion, or another important decision … But since this development is currently under the influence of the card of Death and the Moon, it might take a while yet. Unfortunately, there is nothing else you can do but be patient. Trying to accelerate things will only have the opposite effect! So, prove to yourself and to the rest of the world that you can wait.

True eh? I knew today was going to be a rough day. I really didn't such an out burst. But then again I guess I do deserve it. Sometimes I do need a good swift kick to the arse.

Scope: A serious attitude today will be due to the Moon conjunct Saturn. You may be somewhat depressed or out of sorts. You will feel cut off from others and quite alone. Work hard, and be conscientious. So what can you do today? Relax and read, or surf the Internet. A lot of interesting information could spark your curiosity.

So looking around on the net today I did bump into an interesting propersition among other helpful information. It's all a matter of doing them. I recall a time where I did pray for something and in turn I got what I asked for, but am I willing to trade? The price seems so much. At least right now it does. But I don't have regrets. It's an experience. Although I may hope for a different result, but everything at a price. What do you want more? I know the well meaning and good intensions, really is the road to hell. Is it a fair trade? What do I want more? And at what price? Hopefully it's just a phase and be better tomorrow. Either way I will be fine, I will be fine on my own. With or without you. I will put in some effort as show of good faith. I want what I can not have and and don't need what is given to me. Funny isn't it? Please take care, you need to look out for yourself and the well intentioned ones as well. Goodnight.

My Muse

It seems like more or less a weekly enounter now. I'm still not sure what to thing. The presure, push push, always pushing. I need to get back to my old self. To old habbits. I know the score was so disapointing. I haven't seen scores so low in a long time. There was a flicker, like a flash of old feelings. When things are not as difficult as they seem. I am making them more difficult than they are. It's not that it's easy, but I make things difficult. I know I haven't been around much. I do miss this, but I seem more tired now days. And another slip up again the other day so end up taking pills again. I should get into a better habbit. Maybe back to the place where I belong. I need to get things done so I don't have to bring textbooks home. You know as well as God knows that you don't do squat or dittly squat about homework or much of anything once you are home. So you need to churn out things and be more productive as you can. With only your consideration. There is no need to bother with anyone else but yourself. Remember to value yourself. Others can look out for themselves. They don't need to be taken care of. Please take care of yourself. Good evening self.

On a side note, not sure why keeps bringing me things I don't need. I know means well. Oh what to do. All I can do is be more productive. I am not sure why my eyeball hurts. Like I bruised my eyeball. I been looking at jobs and presure seems to be coming from all directions to get things done. I know a mear 3 is not enough, but I got a feeling I may not be able to maintain it at this rate. I worry, but worry does you no good, it's indecesion that's hindering you. So lets do something about it. So get some rest for now and we shall take care of some things tomorrow.

My Bloody Valentine

Okay given that it wasn't valentine but I guess like many things of late I have put it off for too long. But you get my drift. It wasn't like how I could imagin it. But how many things have gone like I invisioned it? But it was more or less like I expected it as well. It was nice, yet numbing, yet uncomfortable, still daunting, twinging, and amazing. I don't know what to say. For some reason it didn't seem as a big deal. Just last night even I don't know if went nuts or something. So many calls... I did say I missed you, and for once was actually beleived. It's a funny feeling. But not to get distracted. I ask the Lord, anyone what's the point of this? Is this all a test? I don't know. Just today got a all from arse and he was all in distressed and over the past 2 days been calling like mad. Only to hear him blah blah blah for an hour. Ridiculious. And I forget my string cheese, but I think it can sit for a bit. Oh I can feel the head twinging.