Chasing the Chimera

Taro
Things are looking rather grim in your love life today. Hard as you might try, exerting your willpower or authority, emotionally, things are on an ebb. With the Hermit representing the people around you, there is not much chance of them opening up, or making an effort. In fact, they are ignoring your gestures of affection and your attempts to be nice and sociable. But do not despair. Tomorrow is another day, and what you give today will bear fruit some time later, dear Melly..

Scope
With Venus conjunct Pluto, you'll have to contend with volatile emotions and could have difficulty coping. Chances are, others will not be aware of your inner turmoil because you will keep to yourself more than usual.

Gosh, sure sucks. And it was suckie. Sherlockhomes wasn't that good, it wasn't that bad, but not that good either. Things are tough now. I don't know how long this feeling will last. I don't know how to deal with it yet. I am trying to find the answers. I don't know how to let it go. I do not know if knowing more will help.

Snow

Do I want the snow to go away? I am not sure what I want. I know I am drowning in my own turmoil. I am running things in my head that I should not, I think. Like scope saids, like I am driving with the emergency breaks on.

~Pace Changer~
That was a nice pace changer, really it was. Who knew something so simple could lift me. That noodle. Was there just in time. Really something isn't it? Was part of something, but now is different. But it's something I still want to try to keep in touch with. Who knows, maybe one day. I was feeling like I was going insain for a moment. The snow is really dashing my hopes.

~Frustration~
Was so hopeful earlier in the day. And then gone. Frustration I guess. Should not take it out on anyone. But I guess I feel like giving up at times and being left alone. I am very sad but I guess I can not do much about what the Lord wants. I do hope it's for the best and hope the Lord knows that. Think been day dreaming too much. I get tired of all this and want to be left alone. Get some peace of mind.

Brushing

It starts with brushing and so it ends the same way. I seem to be losing meaning and purpose in life. In a life you know will end. I recall when I was little why I didn't like to sleep. How when I sleep, I don't remember anything and I do not know if I will wake up. It could be the last and it could be the end. It's something you can never know.

Live like You're Dying

I'm not sure where it came from. But guess in a way we all really are. Some sooner than others. Scope saids to be creative today. Though right now at the moment I am not feeling much of it. But hopefully as the day wears on, I will and have more things figured out.

~Happiness~
Listened to an interesting talk on happiness today from MPR. Who knew it didn't have to be a weekend to hear good stuff. Everything is no music after all. I am cold today. I am not sure what to do to get myself out of this groove. Maybe I am better off on my own for a bit to get things down. Pin everything down and get my bearings. You can start by brushing your teeth.

Bluffing with my Muffin

Now that would be something. Well it's the truth isn't it?

On a side note: I thought I overpaid on the crock pot. But it turns out that the one I got was 5q and the one that's on sale is 3q. So all is good. And now what i thought to give out has been dashed. Oh well, will think of something eventually.

~The Unknown~
Somethings I wonder if it's necessary to say? Can't really know the reality that goes on around us. That's part of the mysteries of life. I don't believe for some reason. I wonder if I am being fair. But is anything ever fair? For some reason I get all upset and every fiber drop of motivation goes out the door. I become full of hatefullness. I really just want to not care. But I guess if it's not important to someone, why should I care? Guess nothing goes on much. Kind of forgot about the dad that found a job, but it more or less reminds of of how useless I am. I really want to try to get some things done. But I keep on delaying it and delaying it. I fear the worse.

I guess if you are really that busy then you are. I just hope you enjoy what you are doing. I really do not understand. Is it really that important? But then again you know how you shouldn't take anyone for any literal.

~Complain~
Is right in many ways is right. Think in many ways rather be left alone. Not to go chasing.

Gey

It's the only thing I can count on to drag me away from the hindrance and Poker Face. It has a good point. And here I am again. I guess things haven't been that today overall. There are thoughts that still cross my mind. Today, the thought crossed my mind and clung on for awhile and made things better in a way by making it easier to let go. Gay anyways, so what is there to miss? But I wish I knew. But it's all part of finding out. Since when has finding anything of this sorts easy?

As a side note, I still want to get a planner. I know I still got this little bugger. I got some things to plan and need to keep working. Keep getting things done. It may not be the quickiest, but it shall be done. I want less and to do more. For tomorrow, earlier this evening I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But later it was like it hit me and one at a time I knew what to do. Was it just not the right time? Is timing really that important? Is it really there is a time for things and it will come when it does? I know Poker Face has always been a fav. It's something I want to spire to.

I should hit things hard and fast like a man. A real man.

And it happens again. But gey seems to help. It makes it easier not to care. In a way, it But like math, lets try to simplify it.

Chicken

Tired, cold, and some more tired. Been doing some thinking. Bright lights have been hurting my eyes. I don't feel like brushing today. I hope to get some sleep and rest up to be more up to getting things done tomorrow.

Lies and Letting Go

I just want to know, but it really looks like there are things I should not know or I will know when the time comes. I don't want someone to convince me that this is something I want. I didn't want anything at all. I have being too hopeful. I am wanting too much. I need to get myself together. I need to reset myself. Do not live in delusion, do not act out of emotion and make decisions due to delusions. Do act in your own interest. Self sacrificing is not as noble as you thing. No one will think more of you for it. You are what you are my dear. No one else.

~Hair and Makeup~
Funny how the two combination can change a person. It depresses me how the only or should I say most of the times I type I am sad. How sad. How to change things.

I just checked the scope and it did mention change and how tech isn't getting through today. Just an hectic day. But this late? But I guess it hasn't really failed me yet. There's always one reason or another. Always remember, always keep in mind, I just just want everyone to be happy. I really do, including myself. Your own happiness is not something you can trade or offer to someone else. Please take care of yourself. You are so important to me. I need you more than anything.

~Change~
Think I need something else. Not sure what, but something different. Or maybe back to something. I look at it and I want to puke. Maybe just grab a bite to eat and grab some sleep. Then can maybe get an earlier start in the morning.

Pacients Once Again, This too will Pass

~Waking Dreams~
So I had 2 dreams this morning. One was about Liz, special ed Liz. I have wondered how she was doing and Randy. I remember the sign language and the beanies. I am not sure if it was part of the dream or just something I was thinking about. So I see her in like a blue sweater, just like how I remember her skipping away in a path away from me. I later find out she's going to grad school in WI. I am not sure if I running after her or if I was trying to catch up to her. But it more or less ended there.

The second one was shorter and to the point more. I was like dating Rain or something. But after his success, he tries to give me stuff, but I seemed not to want it. Like there was something going on that I didn't want his stuff. He shows me a bow gift set where it had 2 pair of wallets, one men and the other woman, 2 of each for morning and evening use. I am not sure why I didn't like it. I recall one on the bottom left for woman evening to be sparklie. But I remember after seeing it I try to walk away from it and at the same time he sometime b4 placed a necklace on me that was on a thin gold chain and had a small green arrow point like green stone at the end and he was lifting the necklace to show me like I had not noticed it because it was so small or to show others. Or to see if i noticed that it was even on since it was so light.I just remember not liking it. I am not sure if I didn't like him or the items more. I think it was more like him because according to that I like, I should have liked them.

But both are interesting. Think the first one is about the prospect of going back to school and the other how I feel about certain people. Funny how they appear in our dreams. It lets us know what's going on in our minds. But after hearing the phone call, it doesn't seem as bad. But can't say I am happy about it either. But I shall live with it and like everything in life, it will pass. Somethings sooner than others, but they all eventually do.

I want to put myself first. Take care of myself first. I know isn't easy, but it's something you need to do for your own well being.

The Solution

Is that not a power name?

I feel icky right now. Hopefully after a shower, I will feel better...

I shall come up with a good artical regardless of the outcome. I do so because I can. It's not taking away from anything really. Just taking things in a different direction. I get scared when I start not to care a bit. I worry how far this feeling will take me. Not like there is anything to be said. But there is an up side to the feeling is that it can get me through the tough times, but at a price.

~Big Tree, Little Tree~
I know it seems petty of me to be thinking of this at a time like this. It really is when everyone has their own thing to do. What they do with it is not yours to control. You just do your part, that's all. But what about supporting other roles? Is that your job too? Are you obligated to? Their success or failure is no on you. What you decide to do for them, ensure it is your own choice and not tied to in condition of a result, because you will not get it. The more you demand, the more specific you are, the more you plan, the more ways it can go wrong. Loosen up and be flexible. Be able to bend like the tree story.

~Waiting to React~
I think it's the best way to describe some things of late. For a few minutes, it was just a cup of tears. What if there was another? How will I deal with it? So I try to go back to that you want what's best for others and want them to do things that make them happy. If they are happy, how can I be sad? I am selfish for being sad for myself of a loss. Sad to lose something I never had. So did you really lose it? It's really how you see things. If it wasn't this time, there's always next time.

Truth

It's true. As hard as it maybe to face, it's true. Without it, what else is there? Emptiness.

Dang it, and I thought it was going away. But it comes back warmer.

Will this too pass?

Daily Planetary Overview

The Moon quincunx Neptune and Jupiter today may affect the implementation of your plans. Nothing will go as you had anticipated. Your faith may be in question due to a situation you are concerned about.

Your Horoscope - Today, Dec. 9, 2009
You are at a point of emotional climax right now, Melly. Things are coming to a critical point in which situations seem to first escalate and then suddenly collapse. Little issues in your relationships that you have failed to deal with openly are coming back to haunt you. It could be that someone is trying to cross you at this time, or maybe it just feels this way. Don't get overly paranoid. The whole world is not out to get you.

Works

I actually kind of want to spend a weekend on my own. It really has been awhile. At least been 2 weekends where I have not really been able to be on my own and not had the hussle and bussle of others around. When there's no one you miss it and when there's everyone you want to get away. We seem to want things you can not have. There are things to be done, things to put away, others to put away. Is it only things or people as well?

If you then what you knew now, what would you do?

The idea crossed my mind, and you knew what I meant. I worry still about catching something. Do I trust? Think about it first before you do anything, don't do anything out of haste or emotion.

Scary

Daily Planetary Overview

The Moon quincunx Neptune and Jupiter today may affect the implementation of your plans. Nothing will go as you had anticipated. Your faith may be in question due to a situation you are concerned about.

Your Horoscope - Today, Dec. 9, 2009
You are at a point of emotional climax right now, Melly. Things are coming to a critical point in which situations seem to first escalate and then suddenly collapse. Little issues in your relationships that you have failed to deal with openly are coming back to haunt you. It could be that someone is trying to cross you at this time, or maybe it just feels this way. Don't get overly paranoid. The whole world is not out to get you.

I knew it could get bad, but I didn't expect this to be the issue. It's hard to say why. How communications are not getting through. Guess are thinking of different things. Could be the stress of things. Does one not realize that seeing each other depends on other people? You can't risk jeopardizing that. At whatever cost, I want what's best for both ends.

~Sadness~
Funny how one person can affect another. But I must always remain objective. I am only still human and have not been oh what's it called, been enlightened. But always not act out of emotion. Loving kindness. You hate it when the term whatever comes up. So I try not to say it to others as a term used of not caring. so if you don't care, I can not force you to. Only to want the best for all.

I so need to stay away from material things. Keep me from being possessive. Keep me from wanting. I do not want to desire anything anymore. At least for now. I hope for things to get better soon.

~Tomorrow~
Oh dear, looking at tomorrow could mean traffic and other issues. Looks like it's going to be tough tomorrow as well.

Oh Nom Nom Nom

~Cookies~

Tired

Too tired to care.

Do what you say

What was sappose to be a catch up post turned into one for today and kind of ran into this one. I couldn't find the nail clipper after they left. Can only assume that it fell when stuff was knocked around. Me and my sticky fingers moving all over the place. Things really don't go that right do they? I skipped a day of scope.

• Bring a snake
• Bring a pen/pencil

Not sure what to make tomorrow, but I will think of something. `And look at the time now, almost 3. And I was hoping to get to bed early. You tell me how do I get up tomorrow? I think I type faster in the bathroom. Gotta do what you need to do. Hope tomrrow won't be too bad. Not a good time to do anything dramatic. Funny how he st. cloud morning show reminds me of eating breakfast at BK. Take care self.

Bordeaux Cookies

I was so sure I had another post going but I guess I may have confused it with the scope page. But did save the the scope page.

Daily Planetary Overview
With the Moon conjunct Mars, you may be quick-tempered and restless today. You won't have a lot of patience for delays and lines. You will react to situations in a confrontational manner. Save working with details for later.

Your Horoscope - Today, Dec. 6, 2009

You are an organized, disciplined woman, Melly. No one who knows you would disagree with this. But there are times in life when you need to let things loosen up a bit. This is just such a time. Forget about work, chores, and all your daily obligations. You have been working too hard lately. Live a little. Take this day as a complete holiday. Don't think of this behavior as being irresponsible; think of it as being human!

I think for the most part I knew it wasn't going to be an easy weekend and on the way back I more or less worked it out in my head. I think part of it was the expectations and the worry of that others will think. Besides that, it turned out alright. All within reason. Nothing was as bad as i expected it to be nor did the things I thought was going to happen happened.

So lets cleam myself up. For some reason I went nuts over the cookies. They are like they saw, so crispy and sweet caramel taste. I need to decide if I should just stay up and do things or get up early. It has been a long time since I have gotten up to do anything. Maybe it's something I need to get back into the habit of.

• Fix up coat (lots to do on that part)
• Look over stock funds
• Fill out aid paper

I know goes through a lot for me. Know is good to me. Actions must not go justified. It's unforgivable isn't it? I miss the radio. Where it go? ...

And so I find it and it was in worse condition than I last left it. I was sad, but at the same time determined to make thing better. Who knew the magic of turtle wax was right under my nose.

• look for song for lu (though I am not even what the song is besides an easy going john mayer type)

~Abuse~
There are other minor things I could also work on. But these seem to be the important ones. I found the mp3 player and saw the one pigeon got. It's nice and tempting. The price can only go down anyways and I also got one that does what it needs to do. Not like I look at it all the time and I would abuse it anyways. It really has been a long time since I have listen to the radio. I mean really listen to it and there are so many new songs. I didn't like the idea of plugging the ears. But as does old habits. Auto work mode seems to work well with it on. I really do need to find some sort of work. I wonder where the recharger cord went. Hope it's still with the computer.

~Volcano Mine Dream~
So I had this dream I was in charge of paying there valcano miner's pay to do this dangerious job of going into a valcano to do some job. I am not sure what, but I assume it's like real miners or it was some rescue thing. Was having a disagreement with how little they get paid for such a dangerious job which was $1 per job. Then to justify the pay, had a flashback with how years ago when it was black and white when the pay was a quarter. So there I was trying to find out of after so many years and inflation, was the pay enough for today in realative with past pay where I remember them saying how 25 cents was a lot then. Strange..

I Just Want to be Pretty

~Don't we all~
I worry dear compy maybe leaking electric and slowly zapping me to death. I am not sure. It could be the position as I am getting tired. I want to as quickly as possible get this all over with. As it's not very comfortable here and nor will it be getting any better. I will try not to worry so much. Try to want less and desire less. As for the kohls stuff I have been worried about, I will take care of it later.

• I will bring sweat shirt just in case we wander by
• Pills
• Towel
• Face towel
• Work cloths (though chances are I plan to get back earlier or just not so late)
• Bring aid paper
• Guess call Jay back
• Bring a pillow
• Bring mango juice
• Ink
• Target junks
• Box o Tea
• Tooth Brush (so dun like curr brush, much too big for my mouth)
• 
  
• 
  

That's all I can think of for now, guess it can't hurt to have snacks too. Can't let myself go hungie and grumpie. Can always expand the list. But I think it pretty much covers it.

~wORRY~
Today's title is kind of funny. Was watching a part of Oprah and talking about Good Hair and how at the root of it all (no pun intended) we just want to be pretty and desire. What we put ourselves through.

Gaga

~Fear~
And here it comes again the fear setting in. I guess it wasn't that bad except for the part where I worry that it was done so quickly I'm not even sure if it was done correctly. Got a call from some staffing place, though I'm sure it's a call because of the language thing. But I do not know if it's another dead end.

Turkey

~Long Ride~
Liz's place was nice. It wasn't bad at all. To bad bro didn't show up. Though for a slight while I was ever so slightly resentful. I don't want to be the bitch. But I can't help but feel that way slightly. Though I do not think it is reasonable to feel that way. So bitter, so resentful. But after talking, there came some understanding and I could feel the resentment being lifted. But a part of me wanted to hold on. But is it really as it seems?

Learned something about Lu that there was jealousy. Kind of the same way how I felt about Steph. After some time, I feel as though it's a lose cause. But try to understand that things do change and as does relationships.

Spent some time to try some Thai food > green curry all the way. Gotta find a way to make some. Who knew. But do I dare try to make it on my own? It's hard to say. I want to try anyways. But where to find green curry.

~Muffin~
Since it was the holiday, I didn't want to bother or bicker and just drove. I really didn't mind it much. Just the usual worry about getting lost. Else, it turned out alright.

Though on Monday I did go slightly nuts over a muffin. Not sure why. Maybe was being too hopeful and childish. Let my imagination get the better of me. To much thinking. To much dreaming as I reflect on some things that were said about. Most were true. sometimes you do need to be straight with some people. Not just some, with everyone including yourself. And not so much worry how they will react and think of what you said.

~Electric~
I feel as though my had is being electrocuted. Just the left hand. Not sure if it's just tired or something is really wrong like electric is leaking. It feels better when I take my hand away. Not sure what to make of it yet. Though for now I hope to sleep and get more done in the morning and feed myself. Give myself hope and motivation to keep moving. I recall a time when every week I would make something. I loved it and it kept me going. Keep me thinking what I was going to make next. I hope to feel that again.