Speechless

That was one though exam after another... My God what am I doing? The depression that comes along with not finding a job. How sad. But what should I do besides pray? I sometimes wonder if this has anything to do with it. But I don't want to say it does. But I run better on anger, hate, and revenge. Haven't felt that in awhile. I have gotten too soft. But really the budist way. So I don't know what to beleive in now. But has God let me down or have I let God down? I can't be such a disapointment anymore. Either way, whatever the outcome, I still have to do the best possible. As painful this maybe. I keep thinking studying and working is hard and difficult, I won't get it. But it's not like that anymore. But it's something that still today holds me back. Some days the demons are stranger than the other days. What I can do now is eat my canned foodies and pack up or at least organize in a way and get something done.

• I need to start wirting things down again
• Constantly check things
• Use a planner

To not look to far ahead, but just enough to see the next step. After so many rejections, it in way it could be a sign that it wasn't meant for me. I didn't think I be living in LSF and then here I am. Maybe it's a sign or a way to get closer.

For now I feel as I should feed myself first. But what to eat? Hopefully I will find something for myself eventually. But I am not sure right now what to eat. I don't want fries to be soggie. And not too fried either. That choices. And yet none of them a good one. But you do need to pick something. Maybe chips, but I really want to stay away from fried. I kind of feel like canned food today. Less to move if I do, and more to bring if I do. But food is meant to be eaten anyways. So eat up. For you never know when this all might end like you never existed...

It really has been awhile since I had a thought like that. It's scary. Something I use to be constantly reminded by my own mortality. I still don't forget the number of 32. Or I think it was 32 or was it 30? I know it was an early 30 as it soon approaches. Something I need to keep in the back of my mind. But for now lets grab a bite and get something done.

I use to not like to waste any time at all. I mean now if I don't more than 2 hours, I don't do anything. When in the past it can be just 10 minutes, I would still try to do something and not sit there and let time pass me by. I can't wait for things anymore. It's not really for me to decide how much gets done or not as long as you keep doing.