Calm Before the Storm

Love: The Emperor
Touchstone: The Pope
Career: The Tower

-->Against the secure backdrop of long-term stability, you do everything in your power to make things go smoothly today as far as emotional attachments are concerned. The Pope and the Emperor make you inclined towards compromise, goodwill and receptiveness towards your significant other. You seek balance in all things and with your current air of confidence, you can’t help drawing people towards you…

I feel a smudge better, but I still don't know how I will handle it. It's bad enough as it is. But I need to deal with it before it's too late. So it's to be expected. Hungie and tired. Think if you remine for the most part above the class average, you might got out of this alright. Still hopeful. I still don't know how to break it. I know I am already upset, I don't wish to make anyone feel that way. There's no need to feel bad about yourself or hurt others feelings as you already know how painful it can be. If it can be done in a way where no one gets hurt, it is the best.

Truth

I feel like getting wasted at this point. It's even worse today that not only is it confirmed, but it possibly even worse than I thought. As so it goes..


Love: The Lovers
Touchstone: The Moon
Career: The Star

-->It's not exactly a trouble-free day today in romantic matters, dear melly… The Moon and the Lovers are working in tandem, creating an atmosphere of discouragement and uncertainty... You are inclined to distrust the good intentions of the people close to you and to question their love. It goes without saying that such feelings are diametrically opposed to creating an atmosphere of happiness and fulfillment... Be on your guard against an onset of the blues!

So much distrust. I so want to trust, but the reasons not to trust and lingering. I know is good, I see it, I don't dout it. But the reasons behind it I do not know. Uncertainty. I don't know if I trust in God or the stars now. All things seem to be building up to today. I don't know how to react. So much to do and so little room for error. What to do... How to handle this? I pary to God, anyone there to help me and give me strength to get through this.

But I recall a promise I once made. Does this have anything to do with this? If it does, I didn't ecpect it to happen this way. Is there a plan for me? I am confused and lost. I hope to be able to find the love and acceptance to give me strength to be a better person, more forgiving, more loving.

Punishment

Somwhow I knew this one would come in handy. This is how I feel..

And this is what I want to do..

Love: The Pope
Touchstone: Death
Career: The Lovers

-->This is a day of truth, dear melly… Doubts and long-hidden conflicts are coming to the surface, and you want to dispel them, and see the clearly where you stand. If you are in a committed relationship it is unlikely you’ll be able to escape a critical analysis. So you might as well address the big questions and get them out of the way.

• And the truth comes out. My worse fear. Something I can not advoid at this point. But why lets him make my life miserable and cause me difficult when it's my bed? I should drag him out and give him a beating or something ^^ Oh what to do.. It's not really what to do, but how to do it.

• What I worry about the most is my physical well being more than anything. But I do need some time to think about this. To calmly reflect.. To be rational... and not let my emotions controll me and do something I will regret. Go back to sleep please, I am not ready to deal with you yet..

• What I found today confirmed and requires reassesment. But do not forget the positive points. Do not dare forget it weather it's true or not. Do not only focus on onlt what is painful. Do not take the easy path or the easy way out. Consider the other side, consider why someone would do such a thing and how painful it must be. Compasion, care, love, understanding, to open one self.

• The truth is difficult, but it's the truth that will set you free.

Ridiculous

What a ridiculous question at the most ridiculous time??!! Last night with the whole how fast and deep thing oh my goodness how embarressing. But for some reason I am still upset about the whole thing. Not sure what it is I am upset over. But I think it's over myself more than anything. And somehow I try to push it to someone else. But in a way they are partly the blame, but it's not like I didn't have controll over it. So since I can't trust myself, I shall trust in the stars..

Daily Planetary Overview
The Moon trine Jupiter will boost your mood and keep you feeling optimistic. You'll have concern for the welfare of others and want to do your part to help out. This aspect will bring a sense of what the future holds.
Your Horoscope - Today, May 25, 2009
Ambitious plans for your future could necessitate your giving a lot of attention to practical matters such as finance. This could be a drag for you, melly, but if you're serious about your ideas, it needs to be done. A friend, probably a man, could pitch in and help you make sense of everything. A caution: Don't try to get it all done today. Your mind could become overloaded, which might prove discouraging. Take it slow! There's no rush.


Love: The High Priestess
Touchstone: Death
Career: The Devil

-->Today, the association of Death and the High Priestess is causing you to change your approach to your emotional situation, melly. You'll want to take a close look at your life, which may lead you to give up some material comfort in your search for the truth. It's time for positive reassessment.

I guess it was ever so slightly exciting getting a new camra, but I still feel bad when so much is spent. I need to spend less time with. The other day was going over the Bitch book and couldn't answer #35 was it and that upset me more or less. But like peopn said, to not let anything effect how you feel. It's not to not care about anything, but to realize this is affecting your feelings. A wierd thing unexpectly a facebook invite from someone in the past. I guess I would have ignored it before either way I couldn't miss this opertunity.

Slacker

I know I been slacking off in ass aspects. In blogging and in school even. It could be worse, but I think this way is better for letting it all out. It's like the week before graduation. I don't think I said anything about that day.

5/18 Was a day I wasnt' really looking forward to now did I care for it. But it was nice, pleasent. Showed in in a suit and looked oh so handsome. It was more or less rediculious, but eating out was fun. Eating chow fun but especially general tous chicken was rather tasty.

Chicken breasts: 2 pounds, boneless
Garlic: 1 cloveGinger: 1/4 tsp.
Ketchup: 2 tbsps.
Cider vinegar: 1 tsp.
Soy sauce: 1/3 cup
Water: 1/2 cup
Apple juice: 1/4 cup
Red-pepper: 3/4 tsp.
Olive oil: 1-2 tbsps.

10 mL (2 teaspoons) sesame oil*
15 mL (1 tablespoon) grated ginger
60 mL (1/4 cup) diagonally sliced green onions
60 mL (1/4 cup) each water, white vinegar and sugar
15 mL (1 tablespoon) cornstarch
15 mL (1 tablespoon) soy sauce
30 mL (2 tablespoons) oyster sauce (optional)
30 mL (2 tablespoons) ketchup
For garnish diagonally sliced green onions

Dwellings

May 22, 2009
Love: The Star
Touchstone: Death
Career: The Hermit

-->Your romantic hopes might well be shattered today, and you may be forced to seriously consider a separation. The conjunction of the card of Death and the Star often indicates an emotional crisis, and it goes without saying that this could be making you feel very downbeat today. It’s difficult to give advice in these situations, but it’s no good swimming against the current or trying to convince someone to stay if they have already packed their case, dear melly. Deep down, of course, you know that with time you’ll get over it. In terms of your career, all signs suggest that you need to examine certain elements of your past trajectory… Death and the Hermit are asking you to consider what aspects of your job or of the way you do your job are no longer effective, and to find the necessary steps for bringing the situation to an end. Whether your working methods are tired, you’re using out of date materials, or you’re persisting with ineffectual partnerships, it’s up to you to work out what needs to change...


Disturbing eh? I don't know about a seperation now, but soon anyways it will happen and it is something I should really consider. Distance is not something I will consider. Seperation will happen. I am not really sure why I have to be disturbed about the idea of letting pretty girl do some storage. I mean can't say no? Not like you got a crap load of room. But them again did let store in own space as well. Just because I don't need space, doesn't mean others can't use it. I try to look at this objectivly. I was going to eat for a minute, but I changed my mind when I had a change of feelings. It's just not a good time right now.

I should ...

• Finish up printing
• Pack up some things to bring home
• Pluck hairs even
• Eat things you want to

Most importantly of all is to be happy and feel good about yourself, the way you want to. Don't let anyone affect you. Don't let anyone make you feel anyway you don't want to. Don't wait, don't wait for anyone.

Does Life Suck?

It has been awhile as usual. I did just notice a funny querk about is how the head moves in a nudge is just so incredable cute in a flirty kind of way. Not sure what it is about it. But I do enjoy it. maybe a little bit too much ^^ So ince moving in on the 18th, been over everyday. Makes me wonder what will happen after the summer. Who knews what will happen afterwards if anything. Exam has been more or less of a disapointment. But it's really like a self full filling profecy. I think or maybe I just know what will happen or what I think I creat and make happen. The idea is scary. But if it is true at all, I need to make better things happen.

• I feel a wee bite better after cleaning the sink since it was a disgusting mess. But I figure it's only a matter of time before I am found out so to get on their good side, I though to try to clean a wee bit for my own sake more or less that needs to be done.
• I had lunch all planned out today, but someone got draged into eating lunch with strangers that I should not have been. Going to get me into trouble enevtually at this rate.
• For the workstudy, I figure it's better to do it @ LSF at least it's at my own accord and in a way it benifits me in a way. But it's hard to say. I have potential to meet more people at COB, but it could all be just for nothing as well.

Stayed up with me and helped me study the other night. I find it more appealing, and yet I am hessitant. Don't wait for anyone, don't let anyone make you do something you don't want to.

But it doesn't mean I can't eat now. I do feel like canned today and so shall it be. I will read my dear accouting to see if I can find the answers faster. For the most part I found that for the most part the conceptual was ask, but I got the porblems worng. Sansara. So for the most part try to continue what you do and work on the dear problems. Getting a wee bit hungie too. It's only as hard as you make it. Thinking about it takes up more energy than you think. Just do it. ..

Note to God

So it has a been awhile since I been back from New York. It was slightly different than what I am use to. I start to miss a bit. But I know it's not all about that. Part in most is my own doing. People are just such dispensable creatures. Like what happened to May. There one minute to give me a salty water horn and next minute gone. There's always Ajahn Brahm. But sometimes I think it maybe the part of the reason.

Asking from life what life can never give you = suffering
A lof of suffering is when you expect something different.

That is such a good definition. So many things you want and expect and not get.

I really don't know. I feel ancious. I don't know how to get rid of the feeling. But since I can't seem to get this done. I shall try something else. Christian spies lol But some reason I seem more tired than usual. I look at this stuff and I get tired. The test is very soon. Much sooner than I expect it to be.

Speechless

That was one though exam after another... My God what am I doing? The depression that comes along with not finding a job. How sad. But what should I do besides pray? I sometimes wonder if this has anything to do with it. But I don't want to say it does. But I run better on anger, hate, and revenge. Haven't felt that in awhile. I have gotten too soft. But really the budist way. So I don't know what to beleive in now. But has God let me down or have I let God down? I can't be such a disapointment anymore. Either way, whatever the outcome, I still have to do the best possible. As painful this maybe. I keep thinking studying and working is hard and difficult, I won't get it. But it's not like that anymore. But it's something that still today holds me back. Some days the demons are stranger than the other days. What I can do now is eat my canned foodies and pack up or at least organize in a way and get something done.

• I need to start wirting things down again
• Constantly check things
• Use a planner

To not look to far ahead, but just enough to see the next step. After so many rejections, it in way it could be a sign that it wasn't meant for me. I didn't think I be living in LSF and then here I am. Maybe it's a sign or a way to get closer.

For now I feel as I should feed myself first. But what to eat? Hopefully I will find something for myself eventually. But I am not sure right now what to eat. I don't want fries to be soggie. And not too fried either. That choices. And yet none of them a good one. But you do need to pick something. Maybe chips, but I really want to stay away from fried. I kind of feel like canned food today. Less to move if I do, and more to bring if I do. But food is meant to be eaten anyways. So eat up. For you never know when this all might end like you never existed...

It really has been awhile since I had a thought like that. It's scary. Something I use to be constantly reminded by my own mortality. I still don't forget the number of 32. Or I think it was 32 or was it 30? I know it was an early 30 as it soon approaches. Something I need to keep in the back of my mind. But for now lets grab a bite and get something done.

I use to not like to waste any time at all. I mean now if I don't more than 2 hours, I don't do anything. When in the past it can be just 10 minutes, I would still try to do something and not sit there and let time pass me by. I can't wait for things anymore. It's not really for me to decide how much gets done or not as long as you keep doing.

Black Cat

All I wish for now is to just pass. SO disapointed..

Head in Sand