I think I but found it for awhile today. At the same time I felt some pain, I think it was the good kind. I feel in a way this evening, it maybe time for some change. I went through a scenario in my head how it could go. It's maybe something I seriously consider playing out. But this is not a movie. Once said, it can not bee taken back.
~Heart Breaker~
I so love Masa's Korean mix 2010. It's so catchy and has really gotten me through the evening. Got to love how he uses my fav HeartBreaker at the beginning to kick it off. I haven't been so excited for such a long time. I miss the feeling.
~Monthly Prayer~
Once again I pray to thy Lord for a smooth start and end. I pray for it to flow like the rivers. I Pray for it to come and go just as peacefully. I hope to find peace and happiness within myself and on my own. Please help me find the way.
Bitter Sweet Memories
The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intensions
Cherish everything even if you don't possess it
How many times can I break till I shatter
The door to my heart is open to you
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Miffed
Oh hmm, not sure why I got in to it. But I did at least find one that has some decent concv skills. I can't say the same for the rest. But what are they looking for is they don't seem so into it? Is it they really don't have anything going on in their lives? Yesterday is was much harder to keep up with, but today was really slow. So much slower that I am getting to the point of being bored. Even with that on the side, I am still bored. Though the day did pass ever so slightly faster. It's almost half way through the day already. I want to have something to think about. Maybe yesterday I got a little too excited and now the rush has worn off. And then someone saids something stupid to bore me. I wonder how long it can last? No matter, just have fun with it. I haven't done anything worng yet. It maybe tough to try it again unless you got to block them first. Else, it could be horrid. Maybe I should just stick with fb.
This sure looks nummies http://www.delish.com/cooking-shows/food-tv/famous-restaurants-signature-recipes?ocid=lifestylehp_061010&icid=LIFESTYLE4>1=LIFESTYLE4
More things I can make. I don't want to bother checking just to be utterly disapointed. Yesterday I didn't even get time to blog. So I got some making up to do. I feel like some sweet bread. And I thought Americans like muffins. Oh well. And for a moment, I was thinking should I eat the sandmach bite or not? I figure not like I am being paid, so I should eat what is rightfully mine. Especially if they eating the muffins either. Okay, so they are the cookies type. So now I know. So lets stick with what works. And I forget to bring fruit today.
So I just went to go check on that what I thought sandmach, all to discover that it has already been eaten. Omg.. that greedy bastard. Remember, when you want it, be sure to take it, no need to be coy about things. Gosh darn it. Anyways, so yesterday night you know who showed up to talk. We made a bet to see if we can recall names. But how can I forget? I thought for awhile that maybe I could be an escort. But I just don't have the looks for it. But as an escort, you don't get to pick your clients. They could be a total lame ass and you would have to find them entertaining and be all fun and charming. I don't know if I can put up with that. I can't even take it from. Not like I ever call anyone by their name. Not even I call by name even. I am not really sure why. I just feel it's akward. Like it's not a name for me to call, it's their pet name. I would either need to be more formal.
Anyways, maybe I need a new buddie. Most of this stuff, I really don't care.
1. Is it possible that your partner didn't understand exactly what you wanted?
2. Could your partner be stressed about other things, or have a lot on his mind?
3. Is this issue more important to your partner than you realize?
4. Is it possible that your partner doesn't have all the facts that you have?
5. Are you reading between the lines things that your partner doesn't intend to be saying?
6. Are your partner's actions driven by a deeper need that's legitimate and important to him?
7. Is your partner afraid he's going to lose something crucial if he does things the way you want?
8. Would your partner be as angry as you are if the roles were reversed?
9. Is it possible that this situation is about legitimately different needs or expectations?
10. Keeping in mind that 96 percent of the time the likelihood that your partner will respond in a positive or negative way depends on the attitude that you have in the beginning moments of a conversation, how would you like to open this discussion with your partner?
So although you don't have to share everything—or anything, as Greg and Amiira proved—you shouldn't be afraid to talk about your past. If your boyfriend can listen to your sad stories and accept you for who you are (and who you were), maybe he's your happily ever after.
Agree - Can he really be that stupid/insensitive/tuned out/selfish/clueless?
Anyways, no sign from the one fella. Not a big deal. Today was not so bad. But I am starting to feel all bloated. I am not sure how I get through the day, but I am sure really really feeling bloated where to the point I didn't eat my sandmach. I did eat most of my muffin. So that's something. Well atleast I know. It's better than not knowing. So I can plan around that and maybe get some rest, shower, do some cleaning, and organize some things. This whole waiting stalking things goes get me very tired. But it could be because of the bloating.
This sure looks nummies http://www.delish.com/cooking-shows/food-tv/famous-restaurants-signature-recipes?ocid=lifestylehp_061010&icid=LIFESTYLE4>1=LIFESTYLE4
More things I can make. I don't want to bother checking just to be utterly disapointed. Yesterday I didn't even get time to blog. So I got some making up to do. I feel like some sweet bread. And I thought Americans like muffins. Oh well. And for a moment, I was thinking should I eat the sandmach bite or not? I figure not like I am being paid, so I should eat what is rightfully mine. Especially if they eating the muffins either. Okay, so they are the cookies type. So now I know. So lets stick with what works. And I forget to bring fruit today.
So I just went to go check on that what I thought sandmach, all to discover that it has already been eaten. Omg.. that greedy bastard. Remember, when you want it, be sure to take it, no need to be coy about things. Gosh darn it. Anyways, so yesterday night you know who showed up to talk. We made a bet to see if we can recall names. But how can I forget? I thought for awhile that maybe I could be an escort. But I just don't have the looks for it. But as an escort, you don't get to pick your clients. They could be a total lame ass and you would have to find them entertaining and be all fun and charming. I don't know if I can put up with that. I can't even take it from. Not like I ever call anyone by their name. Not even I call by name even. I am not really sure why. I just feel it's akward. Like it's not a name for me to call, it's their pet name. I would either need to be more formal.
Anyways, maybe I need a new buddie. Most of this stuff, I really don't care.
1. Is it possible that your partner didn't understand exactly what you wanted?
2. Could your partner be stressed about other things, or have a lot on his mind?
3. Is this issue more important to your partner than you realize?
4. Is it possible that your partner doesn't have all the facts that you have?
5. Are you reading between the lines things that your partner doesn't intend to be saying?
6. Are your partner's actions driven by a deeper need that's legitimate and important to him?
7. Is your partner afraid he's going to lose something crucial if he does things the way you want?
8. Would your partner be as angry as you are if the roles were reversed?
9. Is it possible that this situation is about legitimately different needs or expectations?
10. Keeping in mind that 96 percent of the time the likelihood that your partner will respond in a positive or negative way depends on the attitude that you have in the beginning moments of a conversation, how would you like to open this discussion with your partner?
So although you don't have to share everything—or anything, as Greg and Amiira proved—you shouldn't be afraid to talk about your past. If your boyfriend can listen to your sad stories and accept you for who you are (and who you were), maybe he's your happily ever after.
Agree - Can he really be that stupid/insensitive/tuned out/selfish/clueless?
Anyways, no sign from the one fella. Not a big deal. Today was not so bad. But I am starting to feel all bloated. I am not sure how I get through the day, but I am sure really really feeling bloated where to the point I didn't eat my sandmach. I did eat most of my muffin. So that's something. Well atleast I know. It's better than not knowing. So I can plan around that and maybe get some rest, shower, do some cleaning, and organize some things. This whole waiting stalking things goes get me very tired. But it could be because of the bloating.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sandmaches
Another thing to add to the list of things to find italian vinaigrette. I still feel the need for sandmaches, but I do need to mix it up a bit. I will try to look for a sub style. I did at least got most of the things done. I need to clear out some of the things in the fridger though and organize what I want to eat. So lets see what else I need to do..
-italian vinaigrette
-drink green tea
-onion
-ship remote
I think the pumps were already there, I just made them worse.
~Temptations~
You're in the mood to lay it on the line your loved one today, and you don't care if it hurts, dear mel. The Sun and the Tower are bringing out the darkest part of your character - your tendency to harbor grudges.
I find this so true... It is part of my dark side. It brings out the worse in me. It needs to be left alone or else be prepared for the onslaught. As I spend this rainy day looking, the more I look, the more tempted I am. I am tempted to look for a chat buddy or some sort. Not meaning for it to lead anywhere, but at the same time something else. Who knows, will see if I get bored enough. Not sure if I will get to that point or not, but it's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind. I am not as smart as I think. I am more obvious than I persume to be. But I wonder what is out there. Am I just attention seeking or looking for more or less? But overall today, didn't have too many bad thoughts. It was more like side deviations and wonderings. It's not a good thing either, but at least I don't feel crapy over it. A part of me get excited at the thought of it, thoughts can't disapoint you afterall.
-italian vinaigrette
-drink green tea
-onion
-ship remote
I think the pumps were already there, I just made them worse.
~Temptations~
You're in the mood to lay it on the line your loved one today, and you don't care if it hurts, dear mel. The Sun and the Tower are bringing out the darkest part of your character - your tendency to harbor grudges.
I find this so true... It is part of my dark side. It brings out the worse in me. It needs to be left alone or else be prepared for the onslaught. As I spend this rainy day looking, the more I look, the more tempted I am. I am tempted to look for a chat buddy or some sort. Not meaning for it to lead anywhere, but at the same time something else. Who knows, will see if I get bored enough. Not sure if I will get to that point or not, but it's not like the thought hasn't crossed my mind. I am not as smart as I think. I am more obvious than I persume to be. But I wonder what is out there. Am I just attention seeking or looking for more or less? But overall today, didn't have too many bad thoughts. It was more like side deviations and wonderings. It's not a good thing either, but at least I don't feel crapy over it. A part of me get excited at the thought of it, thoughts can't disapoint you afterall.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Plans
Actually going to mark something, http://www.lumberjackdays.com/ Something to consider when the times comes. But either way, it's not a big deal because as usual, something will come up.
Breakfast not so good, had some chex mix, was nice and tasty and salty, but I don't think it's good for you very much. I sure like sandmaches, but I wonder how long I can surive on them? Will I get tired of them? I forget my banana today. I knew I was forgetting something. Mondays always go by quickly because usua;;y on the weekend you are pummeled by a bunch of things. A few things I need to gather this week include...
-mayo
-pots
-pick bag
-pick up and return stuff
-ship calc
-file nails
-bring 2 cub bags
-bring chip clip
Be who they want you to be, never who you are.
Yesterday(sunday) I seemed so indifferent. I didn't seem to care. I am not sure if I was trying to be understanding or I was just sick of it all. Later that evening I got a call and it confirmed or at least put me at some ease that I did make the right decesion of not going. But at the end made a comment that put me on edge. But I told that i didn't care. I could say a lot of things about this, but today for the first time, I don't even have to try and it goes away. I think a part of my heart sank when she called. Whatever the case was, it just made it all the more real that this was something serious. As for the results for the most part, I have lost interest. It's like my dog doesn't want to fight anymore. Doesn't see the resason to join or to stay any longer. I worry about this feeling, how serious it is and where it can lead.
There seems to be a number of things I seem to be bitter and resentful over. I need to work them out on my own and not have them brought up. It is what it is, but how do I deal with it? My own version of hell, my tortured soul. But was asmusing this weekend was on sat lunch, own brother call gay. Ha, so it's not just me. Some things are better left a lone and not to look.
And just randomly this pops up http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-timothy-c-geoffrion-phd/when-prayer-makes-a-diffe_b_601399.html
My goodness, already doing a ph.d program. It makes me want to go back to school, but what for? I sometimes have thought I would define myself by my schooling. But I have more or less given up on that part.
omg... I just finally got rid of 2 big ones and now i feel another one poping up!!!! Freaking hell. Either way, esterday I most of what I wanted to do done. I am not sure what to do with this bump as it really hurts. The tinted cream stuff also has a smell to it that doesn't help. I like the old stuff better, the new stuff is more chemical. But I will live with it. But I do not know if I can live with the other things. At least right now it's more or less a daily battle. There's no rush togo or be anywhere right now. So I just read this stupid chain letter type story on facebook, so stupid. I do lack a romantic bone. And yet I feel the need to man up more. I still have concerns that are nor really concerns, Whatever happens, it will be fine. I am sure with it. I can live with or without you. I sure did gouge a whole in mysef yesterday. I just kept digging and digging and I don't think I really got anywhere except blood and pain. It sure does make you feel alive doesn't it? At least I can still feel pain without love.
Breakfast not so good, had some chex mix, was nice and tasty and salty, but I don't think it's good for you very much. I sure like sandmaches, but I wonder how long I can surive on them? Will I get tired of them? I forget my banana today. I knew I was forgetting something. Mondays always go by quickly because usua;;y on the weekend you are pummeled by a bunch of things. A few things I need to gather this week include...
-mayo
-pots
-pick bag
-pick up and return stuff
-ship calc
-file nails
-bring 2 cub bags
-bring chip clip
Be who they want you to be, never who you are.
Yesterday(sunday) I seemed so indifferent. I didn't seem to care. I am not sure if I was trying to be understanding or I was just sick of it all. Later that evening I got a call and it confirmed or at least put me at some ease that I did make the right decesion of not going. But at the end made a comment that put me on edge. But I told that i didn't care. I could say a lot of things about this, but today for the first time, I don't even have to try and it goes away. I think a part of my heart sank when she called. Whatever the case was, it just made it all the more real that this was something serious. As for the results for the most part, I have lost interest. It's like my dog doesn't want to fight anymore. Doesn't see the resason to join or to stay any longer. I worry about this feeling, how serious it is and where it can lead.
There seems to be a number of things I seem to be bitter and resentful over. I need to work them out on my own and not have them brought up. It is what it is, but how do I deal with it? My own version of hell, my tortured soul. But was asmusing this weekend was on sat lunch, own brother call gay. Ha, so it's not just me. Some things are better left a lone and not to look.
And just randomly this pops up http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-timothy-c-geoffrion-phd/when-prayer-makes-a-diffe_b_601399.html
My goodness, already doing a ph.d program. It makes me want to go back to school, but what for? I sometimes have thought I would define myself by my schooling. But I have more or less given up on that part.
omg... I just finally got rid of 2 big ones and now i feel another one poping up!!!! Freaking hell. Either way, esterday I most of what I wanted to do done. I am not sure what to do with this bump as it really hurts. The tinted cream stuff also has a smell to it that doesn't help. I like the old stuff better, the new stuff is more chemical. But I will live with it. But I do not know if I can live with the other things. At least right now it's more or less a daily battle. There's no rush togo or be anywhere right now. So I just read this stupid chain letter type story on facebook, so stupid. I do lack a romantic bone. And yet I feel the need to man up more. I still have concerns that are nor really concerns, Whatever happens, it will be fine. I am sure with it. I can live with or without you. I sure did gouge a whole in mysef yesterday. I just kept digging and digging and I don't think I really got anywhere except blood and pain. It sure does make you feel alive doesn't it? At least I can still feel pain without love.
Words
6/4 Fri
One must be careful with the words you choose. As I look through ads today, I find myself longing for it. Especially on some outing. I take great interest in it. Something I may not be getting now. I sit here eating my tasty apply cinnimon cherios consumed by my own thoughts. I read through an application for a girlfriend and as I read through it, I felt challenged and tempted to answer for the sake of answering. But at the same time I realize all of it has crossed my mind or am guilty of. It made me reflect on my own actions. I found myself less bitter and resentful. I also discovered today that Jer seems to be the decesion maker. If there is anyone I need to suck up to, it's him.
Else not much to say today, just been stupid and saying stupid things to piss me off. But I have been pissie of late. Sure didn't mean to piss on me, but just not in the mood to joke around. Really am not. Things just seem so unsatisfying. So is it my own problem then?
Who cares if you disagree, you are not me. Who died and made you king of anything. You dare to tell me who to be. Who died and made you king of anything.
I can always find something to pick at if I wanted to. It sucks when I do that and especially when I am not in the mood. It's best to leave me alone with my demons and to do my own thing.
One must be careful with the words you choose. As I look through ads today, I find myself longing for it. Especially on some outing. I take great interest in it. Something I may not be getting now. I sit here eating my tasty apply cinnimon cherios consumed by my own thoughts. I read through an application for a girlfriend and as I read through it, I felt challenged and tempted to answer for the sake of answering. But at the same time I realize all of it has crossed my mind or am guilty of. It made me reflect on my own actions. I found myself less bitter and resentful. I also discovered today that Jer seems to be the decesion maker. If there is anyone I need to suck up to, it's him.
Else not much to say today, just been stupid and saying stupid things to piss me off. But I have been pissie of late. Sure didn't mean to piss on me, but just not in the mood to joke around. Really am not. Things just seem so unsatisfying. So is it my own problem then?
Who cares if you disagree, you are not me. Who died and made you king of anything. You dare to tell me who to be. Who died and made you king of anything.
I can always find something to pick at if I wanted to. It sucks when I do that and especially when I am not in the mood. It's best to leave me alone with my demons and to do my own thing.
Monies
6/3 Thur
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/CutCollegeCosts/kiss-those-student-loans-goodbye.aspx
Who knew.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.----2 Corinthians, 13:13
2:56
I am not sure what Jer is eating, but the smell of it is killing me. It's like he nuked a P&B and mayo sandwatch. The smell of melting bread is killer, like I want to puke.
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/CollegeAndFamily/CutCollegeCosts/kiss-those-student-loans-goodbye.aspx
Who knew.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.----2 Corinthians, 13:13
2:56
I am not sure what Jer is eating, but the smell of it is killing me. It's like he nuked a P&B and mayo sandwatch. The smell of melting bread is killer, like I want to puke.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Blue
I know Jer once a week wears blue. I should just wait or jer to wear blue that week so I can wear it the next day. Then we won't gong saum.
~Tangled Emotions~
Anyways.. had a little chit chat with Steph yesterday. We went over some stuff that has been bothering us. Some more, other less. It sure is hard to let things so. But it seems to be the best thing to do, but I can't seem to do it. I don't have trust either which makes it difficult. But say it wasn't for the issues, everything else that's at the moment is alright. I don't have much to complain about. The laundry list of things does really get long. It's something I maybe just rather not look at.
I worry about this one.. Taro: Though Strength is a promising influence on your love life, dear mel, you won’t be able to overcome your suspicions and doubts.
I truely don't know how to get over it besides just putting them aside. But for how long and how long can I do this? Hopefully I will get tired of it soon and be able to give it a rest. Today is a long day, a very long sluggish day. I still need to get through 2 hours of it. I am not even sure why I am doing here. But I am rather tired. It should be better after this evening. I will try to get more sleep and just so things without thinking too much. I will try to long for less things. I just hope their appointment doesn't go on for too long. It's like trying to solve a problem and not having the answer key with you or anyone that can tell you if it's right or not. But is being right really all the important? Do you really need the correct answer? What happens when it's wrong?
I found that getting up and walking does help with my larthegicness. Today was really tired and bored. I am already slacking off on both ends. I didn't really get anything done yesterday besides feed my paranoia. So in a way, it's not so good, but it wa something that I needed to get out. I still got the bruse on my lef from slaming into the table corner. And I got the ingrown hair that I picked at the has been bothering me the whole day. I think I should be able to get more things done tomorrow. I am not so optimistic today.
I should work on making them turkey rolls for tomorrow or atleast on getting some bread. I am bored, tired, and ancious. A combination of wierd feelings or restlessness and uncaring.
Everthing so far is not like a shocker. I don't why is always so schocked. But it's more or less I have expected and or antispated it. I also need a plastic bag, but I shall bring it as I need it.
~Tangled Emotions~
Anyways.. had a little chit chat with Steph yesterday. We went over some stuff that has been bothering us. Some more, other less. It sure is hard to let things so. But it seems to be the best thing to do, but I can't seem to do it. I don't have trust either which makes it difficult. But say it wasn't for the issues, everything else that's at the moment is alright. I don't have much to complain about. The laundry list of things does really get long. It's something I maybe just rather not look at.
I worry about this one.. Taro: Though Strength is a promising influence on your love life, dear mel, you won’t be able to overcome your suspicions and doubts.
I truely don't know how to get over it besides just putting them aside. But for how long and how long can I do this? Hopefully I will get tired of it soon and be able to give it a rest. Today is a long day, a very long sluggish day. I still need to get through 2 hours of it. I am not even sure why I am doing here. But I am rather tired. It should be better after this evening. I will try to get more sleep and just so things without thinking too much. I will try to long for less things. I just hope their appointment doesn't go on for too long. It's like trying to solve a problem and not having the answer key with you or anyone that can tell you if it's right or not. But is being right really all the important? Do you really need the correct answer? What happens when it's wrong?
I found that getting up and walking does help with my larthegicness. Today was really tired and bored. I am already slacking off on both ends. I didn't really get anything done yesterday besides feed my paranoia. So in a way, it's not so good, but it wa something that I needed to get out. I still got the bruse on my lef from slaming into the table corner. And I got the ingrown hair that I picked at the has been bothering me the whole day. I think I should be able to get more things done tomorrow. I am not so optimistic today.
I should work on making them turkey rolls for tomorrow or atleast on getting some bread. I am bored, tired, and ancious. A combination of wierd feelings or restlessness and uncaring.
Everthing so far is not like a shocker. I don't why is always so schocked. But it's more or less I have expected and or antispated it. I also need a plastic bag, but I shall bring it as I need it.
Magician's Elephant
6/1
http://media.bordersstores.com/pdf/magicianselephantchapbook.pdf
So that maybe something for me to read sometime. But for some strange reason, today seemed to have passed more quickly than usual. I am not sure why. I didn't even get to some of the things I usually peep at. I have been rather uncomfortable, I am not sure if it's the bra that's too tight and the camie. It could be both at this point. But I will live with it longer. I do like how it makes my boobs look. It's rather nice, but at what price? Today is rather quite at the office. It could be due to this weekend and now that things are slowing down, it feels nice where I don't have to rush anywhere. Well at least I got my nails all cliped. I still need to get them all filed down and change some fishie water. I should also check on my express statement. So many things to do...
-file nails
-check express statement
-check sears card statement
-change fish
-put away cloths
-gather gre stuff
-turn off comp downstairs
-fatty stamp
Think if I can close to any of this done, it be good enough, and don't forget to weight myself. I feel a little more pudgy. I still have not reflected on the weekend. A part of me doesn't want to. But the more I think about this, the more meaningless it becomes. Even if somehow I make thing happen on my end, I still dout. I can feel myself losing faith in all of this. It has really gotten to the point of I am starting to not to care. I just need to care for myself more than anything else. It has been a very distraut weekend. A very pressing weekend. It really tested and stretched my limits. So what happens now?
As I predeicted, it was a fairly busy and bloated weekend. I think I ate quite a bit. But I am not sure if it affects mt weight much if any at all. So it's already 5:12 and we got a neighbor over here listening to the HMA speel. Wonder how long it's going to take? But it's not like I don't have time to spell either. They are rather getting off topic, should really get to the point and get them in and out. Jerk, making me turn off the musik. I shouldn't take anything too personal. And why don't you close your door? Isn't it what that is for? So bored, just want to leave at this point. Don't want to bother with it today. They were more or less busy, so not like anything was going to happen today.
This weekend was okay I guess. It wasn't as bad as it seemed. Yet not very good either. I guess like lu saids, I need to get rid of that shitty face. Doesn't really seem to bother to recall anything. And then there's me with the sitty face. I need to not so much wear my emotions on my sleeve. It makes it too easy for other to maniplulate me.
http://media.bordersstores.com/pdf/magicianselephantchapbook.pdf
So that maybe something for me to read sometime. But for some strange reason, today seemed to have passed more quickly than usual. I am not sure why. I didn't even get to some of the things I usually peep at. I have been rather uncomfortable, I am not sure if it's the bra that's too tight and the camie. It could be both at this point. But I will live with it longer. I do like how it makes my boobs look. It's rather nice, but at what price? Today is rather quite at the office. It could be due to this weekend and now that things are slowing down, it feels nice where I don't have to rush anywhere. Well at least I got my nails all cliped. I still need to get them all filed down and change some fishie water. I should also check on my express statement. So many things to do...
-file nails
-check express statement
-check sears card statement
-change fish
-put away cloths
-gather gre stuff
-turn off comp downstairs
-fatty stamp
Think if I can close to any of this done, it be good enough, and don't forget to weight myself. I feel a little more pudgy. I still have not reflected on the weekend. A part of me doesn't want to. But the more I think about this, the more meaningless it becomes. Even if somehow I make thing happen on my end, I still dout. I can feel myself losing faith in all of this. It has really gotten to the point of I am starting to not to care. I just need to care for myself more than anything else. It has been a very distraut weekend. A very pressing weekend. It really tested and stretched my limits. So what happens now?
As I predeicted, it was a fairly busy and bloated weekend. I think I ate quite a bit. But I am not sure if it affects mt weight much if any at all. So it's already 5:12 and we got a neighbor over here listening to the HMA speel. Wonder how long it's going to take? But it's not like I don't have time to spell either. They are rather getting off topic, should really get to the point and get them in and out. Jerk, making me turn off the musik. I shouldn't take anything too personal. And why don't you close your door? Isn't it what that is for? So bored, just want to leave at this point. Don't want to bother with it today. They were more or less busy, so not like anything was going to happen today.
This weekend was okay I guess. It wasn't as bad as it seemed. Yet not very good either. I guess like lu saids, I need to get rid of that shitty face. Doesn't really seem to bother to recall anything. And then there's me with the sitty face. I need to not so much wear my emotions on my sleeve. It makes it too easy for other to maniplulate me.
Ignoring the Elephant
5/28
I worry this weekend is going to be very tiring and rushed. But once again, lots of thoughts have been going through my head.
Shontelle - Imposible
So how do I deal with it? How can I prepare myself? In a way, I am already preparing myself. I should just enjoy the ride. I know I am upsetting myself. I don't want to, in a way I just want to get this over with. I am still angery, bitter, and resentful. Letting go is hard. Both litteraly and ficticiously. If I turn this around, it's not would I want to be forgiven, it's would I be stupid enough to get caught?
I worry this weekend is going to be very tiring and rushed. But once again, lots of thoughts have been going through my head.
Shontelle - Imposible
So how do I deal with it? How can I prepare myself? In a way, I am already preparing myself. I should just enjoy the ride. I know I am upsetting myself. I don't want to, in a way I just want to get this over with. I am still angery, bitter, and resentful. Letting go is hard. Both litteraly and ficticiously. If I turn this around, it's not would I want to be forgiven, it's would I be stupid enough to get caught?
Restart
5/27/10
The computer is so much faster after you restart the comp. I maybe should have done it sooner. So many pretty images....http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/summer-drinks-recipes?GT1=47038 It makes me want to get a nicer camera...
Observations: It seems like the little minor things bother like the scratch on the floor, the dust, all the small things, like the line on a sheet of paper. The things is, it bothers me that it bothers them. Well that's how things goes. Last night's conversation didn't go too well more or less. Try to make something into something else. I think the Monday thing should be fine. But I am still stressed and antsy about the other issue. At this point, I really don't care about the amount, I just need to know. But it's hard isn't it? I recall this feeling somewhere. From a time long forgotten... But about last night, I had a convo and had another deja vu moment. I can't recall what it wa about... oh hmm.. I really can't think of what it is. maybe part of the blame can be me thinking about things too much and reacting things out in my head where I can't seperate what has really happened or not. Today I didn't too so much thinking. More farming today. Yet I don't want to get into trouble. And dang it, I missed the razor too. Oh well, another time. But I still worry if this is the right time to mention something. There is the long weekend and it maybe easier to forget. It maybe better to drop it this weekend. But I am not sure. This is kind of more or less eating away at me like many things in the past has. So how can I deal with this? I am not worried for myself, but more for. I just don't trust that will take care of things on end. I really don't. I don't trust at all.
Move along, all you got to do is keep it strong and move along move along just to make it through.
Jer always looks like he is troubled. I am not sure what to make out of it. They always give me a hard time. Should I push back? I know I should, it's just a matter of time. But I did think about it. So maybe a mention of it this week and again next week and hopefully they will let me know something... Ass crapies, I just noticed I need to edit the free mag stuff because the info is all wrong and rediculious.
Something to work on next week in between all the other junks. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/engagement-roast-chicken-recipe/index.html
The computer is so much faster after you restart the comp. I maybe should have done it sooner. So many pretty images....http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/summer-drinks-recipes?GT1=47038 It makes me want to get a nicer camera...
Observations: It seems like the little minor things bother like the scratch on the floor, the dust, all the small things, like the line on a sheet of paper. The things is, it bothers me that it bothers them. Well that's how things goes. Last night's conversation didn't go too well more or less. Try to make something into something else. I think the Monday thing should be fine. But I am still stressed and antsy about the other issue. At this point, I really don't care about the amount, I just need to know. But it's hard isn't it? I recall this feeling somewhere. From a time long forgotten... But about last night, I had a convo and had another deja vu moment. I can't recall what it wa about... oh hmm.. I really can't think of what it is. maybe part of the blame can be me thinking about things too much and reacting things out in my head where I can't seperate what has really happened or not. Today I didn't too so much thinking. More farming today. Yet I don't want to get into trouble. And dang it, I missed the razor too. Oh well, another time. But I still worry if this is the right time to mention something. There is the long weekend and it maybe easier to forget. It maybe better to drop it this weekend. But I am not sure. This is kind of more or less eating away at me like many things in the past has. So how can I deal with this? I am not worried for myself, but more for. I just don't trust that will take care of things on end. I really don't. I don't trust at all.
Move along, all you got to do is keep it strong and move along move along just to make it through.
Jer always looks like he is troubled. I am not sure what to make out of it. They always give me a hard time. Should I push back? I know I should, it's just a matter of time. But I did think about it. So maybe a mention of it this week and again next week and hopefully they will let me know something... Ass crapies, I just noticed I need to edit the free mag stuff because the info is all wrong and rediculious.
Something to work on next week in between all the other junks. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/engagement-roast-chicken-recipe/index.html
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