Another Rejection

I guess I found out after more carefully reading it what I should have caught earlier. But to no a due. Oh well. So here I am waiting for maybe another 5 minutes to see that if it it could be dirt cheap so I maybe tempted to get a pair for fun. Not like the original price was all that high anyways. But more like for fun. Think I'll have a hard time getting it on anyways. Else not sure what to feel. Not like it was purpose peek, but it happen to be there and for me to happen to work on this, it happen to be gone. Not sure what to feel about some is things. I am tempted to talk and to get it all out. But I wonder at times what it will do if anything. Will it do more harm than good? I need to keep doing.

~Intuition~
It's funny how it's correct. Disappointment never fails to disapoint. Funny how it works. Is it what I create? But it's always the expectations. Can I not have any expectations? How can I not expect the best from myself? What about hope? Maybe it's more on doing and less on the result. Whatever the result is, can you not make do with it in one way or another.

Even when there was a time I should not forget how hopeless things seemed like. I can not forget. Whatever negative hopelessness, was able to be turned into strength and got through it.

Rejection Knocking on your Door

~Prayer~
So here I am again at that time of month again. I worry a lot. I think less of it will put me more at ease.

Wonder where everyone is these days. Not sure. But it doesn't matter much. They can figure it out.

~Kindness~
Put kindness in your mind before you open your mouth.

Grab your Pen and then Rape you

~Weekend~
Overall went well. As usual some down turns, but I wonder if that is what is really bothering me? Or is it because how others say it should be and it's not like that and that is what is bothering me? Else I really can't be bothered with such things. I got bigger fish to fry. I need to call back Fargo and things to send out. Else, it was fun with Lu. Go Chinese drunk karaoke parties. It was really fun minus the third wheel aspect of it. There are some things I want answered to now, but I know I need to be patient and the answer will come when the time is right.

A bright point is that I heard a song in Khols and then at Big Lot again last weekend. I had had a hard time remembering the tune and making out the lyrics. But somehow I guessed my way to the song. It's Amazing all that you can do.

~Dream~
I had a dream that somewhat relates to that saying would you be happy with ur lover and best friend got together? I can't say I would. But if I knew they felt something, I think I would. I would be angry not knowing, I can understand why they would keep it from me. Could be part of their plan or just something that happened. They never intended it, but wanted it, but didn't think it could happen or would. Never meant to harm. Not like they did this to spite you in any way. So can you be angry at such a thing?

Do it now.

Weekend Overview

I was nervous. So deathly nervous.

I just had a moment, I will discus it in further details later.

It's funny how I don't remember much of it. I guess it's not so much of what you say but what you do. There is still the lingering issue. I don't feel like counting the puzzle now. But since I can think of it now, I should just take care of the mouse... so I got most of the mouse taped up. Ridiculous birth as a flea in a robe.

~Fulbright~
I could technically work for a year and then go abroad to study for at least a year. Take this time to work on the mandarin and save monies. So it's an idea. I think i may want to work on this tomorrow. Think less and do more. An tue where I actually eat and to do other things.

Oppa

This morning I was really feeling all gun ho to get some things done. And now suddenly nothing. I feel like putting it off. But I really can not. But I did find a fun vid that ever so slightly renighted my love for kdrama. We shall see. You see people like her with ambition and going places over something seeminly so silly and making a living out of it. Can I do the same? It sure helps if you are purdy. Maybe I should work on that first. It seems a little forced. But yet even I start to believe it. Is that what I should do?

I actually found another shoe I wanted. It does seem better. Cheaper as well and the choice of going with a smaller size for now. wonder if I should go with a 7 or not? Or is 7.5 more than enough? Would being too small be too snug? A 7 is really snug. Me and my big feet.

For now lets get some things printed out, then clean out the fishies, and play with shoes.

Time

Is it really about timing? I am not sure. Maybe it be better to take things as they come. I was very tired today. I mean seriously extremely tired. I am not sure why. For some reason I knew at work today it was going to be quite. I really want to get more things done really I do. I at least got the email out. I feel less fear today. Though the hesitation is still there, it's not as bad as it was before.

~Listing~
As I go through the list, I think I am looking for break ups and want to talk about that kind of relations and not about other more serious pressing issues.

Don't Mash Her Head Back

I don't understand why I have this hesitation. It's so disabling. I can't get anything done with with this fear lingering over me like a dark cloud. The eats away at me. It has been awhile since I have felt this kind of fear. I guess of late I have been advoiding it. I have been cold. It could be the weather. But no matter what the result, it's best to know the final result so I can make more choices. I guess I do not have to make the choice now. It seems like there is always a meeting. But it can never be certain. Counter productive fear is. If they sense fear, they will act accordingly. If you didn't fear them, they can do no harm? Cycle of negativity that brings us harm. When it's not used to control people. A disease of the mind.

I guess I can save a minute or two and make the appointment in person. I think the first time I made the appointment it was over the phone. Or was it in person because I remember getting a card for it. What's the worse that ca happen? So you pay for it.

The more I read, the more I think it maybe best to go on that day. But I don't think it will take much time. More signs seem to be pointing to go later. Much later. Or to go out on your own. But if I had an appointment, I could be there uber early.

Fear pushed you in, fear made you fall. We make it happen too often. It's the fear that kills you.

• Talk to sim about making meatballs.
• clean up act
  

Temptation

Didn't write much this weekend after Friday since showed up. Found out something that I had confirmed. It can always be worse. Things just fell into place and you make do with what you got. You deal with the cards you are dealt with. At least got rid of that pesky eye sore yahoo bar. The weekend wasn't bad. It was an above average spendy one. At least wasn't tempted with by Express, but not from pants. And it got worse today. But most of it can't be bothered with.

Else been fairly tired this weekend and today. Hopefully get more things done in the morning. Just tired. Think most of it comes from worry...

Move forward without feeling guilty about your past decesions

This sure helps to make up the mind. At the beginning I was feeling bad about it. But now what has happened it seems to make things easier.

Muggles

Is there ever anything it's not blue? Saw a quick glimps of the future and it doesn't seem good. But in ways it's not go nor bad. It's just things are. a quick thought of romance raced though my mind for all of 2 minutes if even that. Yet I don't even know what I want myself. I need to take care of myself first and not depend on others to do so. For they will fall through and disappoint. t So next week it will be all me. Somehow the events leading up to it made it so. Else, it swoul1dn't be such a choice or at this point a must do. I know I need to do it soon before break I think. That way if anything doesn't go well, I have time to adjust to the unexpected. I try to leave wiggle room and not back myself into a corner. At the same time I feel I have no choice that I waited so long. Yet, I know I still have some time. Barely, but still time. At worse I pay for it. At least from what I have been told, I have till the end of the semester. Or I can just try to set an appointment there and get it done. Give yourself choices, give yourself room.

~Trips~
I am not sure if I have taken a trip and regret it. I am glad it is not today. I want to be as comfortable as I can. I need to ask if I eat first, but I should prepare and eat anyways in case of being fed monkey poo and I guess what time should be there. The rest either wouldn't be able to answer anyways and can figure out myself.

I am slightly disappointed at the date of it all. But it wouldn't make any difference anyways. Given the choices.

Daily Planetary Overview
This may be a challenging day with the Moon square Pluto and conjunct Saturn. Some of your plans will become derailed because of unforeseen difficulties. Many situations will require patience and tenacity, but you may get overwhelmed and want to give up.

Your Horoscope - Today, Nov. 12, 2009

You may find your brain buzzing like a beehive today, Melly. This is good. There is a great deal of information that you need to process at this time. Have you been thinking about buying some new electronic equipment or small appliances for your home? Now is a great time to do a bit of research on this project before you go out and lay down your credit card. Use this day to gather facts.

Now this is insain with the unforeseen difficulties in plans and the buying of new small appliance and doing some research on it. Truely crazy this is. What are the chances? Can I ignore this?

Toying

Daily Planetary Overview
Mercury trine Uranus will bring an excitable attitude and an interest in new ideas. Keep an open mind today, and be willing to listen to the viewpoints of others. You'll have to work hard to stay focused, so you may want to leave difficult or complicated tasks for later.

Your Horoscope - Today, Nov. 11, 2009

When faced with ten entrees on the menu, it may be hard for you to choose just one. Feel free to order two or more, Melly. Don't let indecisiveness hinder or slow you down. At the same time, don't view it as something negative. The key for today is to go with the flow. Expand your dreams as far and wide as you wish. Have fun as long as you are willing to take full responsibility for your actions.

Tarot reading for Melly:

Love: The Star

Touchstone: Justice

Career: The Chariot

You’ll be looking for harmony and equilibrium in your relationships today, dear Melly. You’ll be avoiding any kind of argument or quarrel with your family or friends. Under the aegis of Justice and the Star you are communicating with total sincerity, an attitude that adds to the sense of well-being that others experience in your presence. This is a good day for asking your loved one to marry you, if you’ve been toying with this option! In the professional sphere, you’re tempted to show excessive zeal and to act impulsively, so it’s just as well that Justice is exerting a calming influence. Under these auspices you should be able to find your bearings again. Your energies are kept under control by the people close to you, helping you establish a positive equilibrium between your drive and what’s actually feasible.

I want to advoid any kids of quarrels, but it seems to not be happeneing of late. There's something to argue over every moment. It maybe better if I am away more often. It's times like there I to leave here. I find it I no longer miss it. At least right now I do not miss it. So the more reason to keep looking.

~Convenient~
It's funny how I was sitting here stressing about the packing, and was waiting for the right time to bring it up. And now I can save myself a trip and for sure no matter other plans, can and have to go through with this one. Regardless. And at the end, it's not even my fault. They can all think what they want. I didn't even manipulate the situation. I just took things as they came. And it seems to be turning in my favor at least for now. See how long it lasts.

Funny

~Musing~
It's funny how we get into these things.

Questions

~Memory~
I recall I was to ask something, but I keep forgetting. So I shall jot down whatever I can. I know it's not much time and I have a tendency to put things off because I do not have like 5 hours to work on it or more or less to dinker around. I worry it won't be done. But for sure at this rate, it will not be done.

Distractions

~Evening Cuffs~
Now that was interesting. I swore they came from upstairs as well. Didn't know there was another side of it. Who knew. But it was a moment that was like a little too much information. Interesting. What more can be said?

So in the evening went to visit the zoo. The same old as usual. Had some not so tasty Samual Adams and some tasty Snaple. And look at the time, who knew it was so late. Some reason I am not sleeping, but I was reminded today for some reason of all the uncertainity. For some reason it made me feel better remembering that. Maybe it gave me comfort to not to expect anything at all knowing the situation. But knowing what I do, would I still go through with it? I do not know the answer to it.

Frustration

November 6, 2009

Tarot reading for Melly:

Love: Justice

Touchstone: Death

Career: The Devil

Don’t make any decisions when in the grip of powerful emotions today, dear Melly. Under the influence of Justice, you will certainly have the energy it takes to get rid, once and for all, of everything that you’re no longer happy with in your emotional life. In this deleterious climate, invoked by the card of Death, you’ll need to get some fresh air in order to be able to breathe again and to see things more clearly. Above all, be aware that any decision of this type cannot be taken without some careful thinking being done first. Don’t try to skip that step! At work, you'd be well advised to put your ambition on hold and stop treading on other people's toes. The Devil, who represents you, is not inviting tolerance, but if you can't learn to share with others and stop being such a dictator, you may be forced to abandon an important project, as is indicated by the Death card.

As the day drudges on. It's no so bad when you got other things in your mind. It's funny how you hear from the ones you do no expect and nothing from the ones you think you should. Expecting too much. Wanting to control too much. Having a hard time letting go and leaving things be as they are. I need to do something, what I can. But I shall not to be too impulsive. I know I need to act, but I need to act accordingly. There's a time and place for things. When it is right, you will know what to do.

Thinking

Daily Planetary Overview
With the Sun conjunct Mercury today in Scorpio, you'll have a strong intellect and the ability to discern motives. Investigate and get to the bottom of a matter. This placement will make you secretive but sharp-witted.

Your Horoscope - Today, Nov. 5, 2009

Today might be a difficult day for you, Melly. Instinctively you will want to escape the situation and explore your horizons, but something is holding you down. Take care of the stack of bills on your desk, and deal with the mess in your bedroom. Clearing the physical space around you will help to clear the mental space in your head. You will be footloose and fancy-free soon enough.

I hope it will be true soon. It has been really what I have been thinking for the past 2 days with the whole clearing of the room and with the fixing up of the bed as well... Creepy as always eh.

For some reason it just seems ridiculous and doesn't make any sense. After some serious reading, I am more deterred by it all. Not sure, I am concerned. Was all full of hope until the dark cloud started to loom above. I can see it now, get a call or email and dash off. Not sure, nor can I care all that much.

See if one time thing, can travel, host, top bottom.

Relationships

You can't change life, but you can change your relationship to it. Not my problem or your problem, but our shared problem. Put beautiful qualities between you and the other: peace, kindness, respect. In between is where the action is in life. The filter of mistrust. What you see in the other, what you pay attention to, grows in them; what you expect, you generate. The example of prisoners. If you water the flowers, flowers grow; if you water the weeds, weeds grow.

The most important thing in life, you are in total control of. Life itself is totally out of control, but the way you relate to it, you are in full control, you can always make it work - this is the law of kamma. Baking a cake simile - not the ingredients, but what you make of them. Mother-in-law jokes. How do you look at yourself? The two-finger smile. Playfulness as a source of creativity, of fun and growth. Funeral and wedding stories. You can't find contentment by trying to change yourself; you find it by changing your attitude to yourself. Don't blame life; don't put negativity between you and life. The king and the doctor story: "Good or bad, who knows?”. Late taxi driver story. Not "Why me?", but what are you doing about it?

Take away pain, suffering and disappointment by this wonderful relationship with life, with yourself and your loved ones: seeing the beautiful, the positive, seeing what you can respect, that there is something you can do - this changes your whole attitude. Life is not suffering any more, it is a challenge, a journey, exciting, interesting, all learning and growing experiences. Sometimes the most difficult experiences are the ones we learn most from. Not the partner or the event, but the relationship. Topical example of the Bhikkhuni ordination. Julie's story. Put something beautiful there, and you can learn to change the relationship. The world is a relationship problem.

Today slightly disappointed about the lack of contact. But I try to understand. I am okay as long as I am preoccupied. I don't have time anyway or much of what is left.

Tired

Not sure what is going on today. I have doing what I need, but I don't seem to be doing anything with it. It really could be the fear once again holding me back. What to do to get over it. It could be the cold as well. Yet I feel so tired...

Tool

~Lights~
The lights are so purdy. I just adore it. Who knew some simple purple lights could be s lovely. It has such a lovely glow. I don't need more, it's enough. I also don't need boos now because there's no snow anyways. It will just seems silly. But it was funny to see it there suddenly after the video last night or not even, it was more like the same day just an hour before and I was even looking at a site for it. Scary..

Pacients

I guess I don't have much of it now days. Things now days seem more or less a now now now thing and to do things now rather than later. All to be rendered useless. I guess I don't need it. It was just a mere quodance. Means more for me then. No sence in giving more. But then again that just isn't me is it? I want less anyways. Less is more now days. So for now, lets do a bit more and get yourself cleaned up. We can talk later.

If later ever comes, this is just plain rediculious.

~Tea Leaves~
It it in the leaves now? I know busy anyways.

~Bummer~
Things are not going well and as expected. Things falling through and not working out. Is it really self fulfilling? Not sure, just sad. Gotta start getting things done.

Addiction

~Shopping~
I so need to stay away from online shopping. I need to just get what I need and call it a day. So all I need is just one pair of shoes. Ones that actually fit better and no toes showing. I have such long toes. Else, it looks like I will keep the Madden pair. The name always reminds me of football. I do like the color. I so need to find a pair of tights else it's going to really hurt. But oh the things we put ourself through to get a look.

~Hallow~
Today after some years went to get candy. It was nice. It brings back some good memories. Also going to Petco today and seeing the little critters, made me miss the little buggers.

~Time~
It looks like won't be seeing much after for the three weeks. For at least two. I still have cloths to organize. I need to get myself together so I can feel motivated. But I am starting to feel bad to buying so much. I am working on it. Take care self. On a note, I do feel better about able to help write. I only hope it's good enough.

~Relatives~
This one shall finish up tomorrow. This one is more of a touch subject right now. I need to get organized and clear some things out before I tackle this one.