Envy

A part of me still flutters at my muse and I think because there of some jealousy from another group. Spending time with others and others groups of not the same than more. Realizing how popular the muse is makes me think why I can't be as well. What am I doing that is so different? Am I not nice or helpful enough? Trying to discover the hold the muse has over me. It's not as strong as before but still there. Could it be envy? Certain attributes I'm attracted to because I want them for myself? I'm trying to think. What you like in someone, why? You want someone funny to make you laugh, then you want someone smart to say guide or teach you so you can be smart? But you wouldn't say I want someone funny so I can be funny. It's their funny is useful to you. Desired services. I sapose everyone wants different things to either to have or to be. Like to like someone hair color doesn't mean I disorder the person but I do desire the hair. So I guess I blur what I actually like. You don't belong anywhere so you are free to come and go as you please.

But fun fact today, find out muse is a rabbit and just come to the realization that rats eats rabbits lol well on the bright side have an excuse to gift muse. I am not at all stalkerish lol but overall today is still feeling pretty normal. A little unexpected busy but I do like the feeling of purpose. Got kudos today but fairly minor. Still feel some distrust that the numbers had to be verified. 

Stay Hungry

There has been come calm but at the same time some anxious restlessness. Overall yesterday's field trip to the ball game had amazing weather but it was as expected and disappointing. Starting to come more to terms with it and feel more annoyance than endearing. I guess like Cindy, it's bocause you are not around kids often you have more pacients for it but to everyone else it's just annoying. And today was sure annoying. Usually in small doses it's endearing and even adorable but my lord in and hour meeting I swear at least 5 times some moose related Canadian banter. You might as well move up there geez. Over time, I will discover more reasons why you are not the same. Reminds me of Reginas robin. May look the same and but it's not the same person.

Darn noise chicken ended up giving away two teas because she noise away into my business and felt bad for not sharing and then felt bad for not including mom chicken. Oh well, just another way to use things up. Not sure if I will get any points for it. Won't know until you try.

Today was originally anxious over the tax update 17b meeting and how well or lack of understanding of it, but I think it didn't go too bad. Today was really slow. Had not had one in a long time. Not sure how useful I am when there are no projects to work on now. Feeling more insecure than ever now. Maybe it's a sign to refocus since everything is slowing down and may not have the restraint as an excus anymore. What's your excuse now?

Disruption

Sometimes I feel I should get a nicer car so I can spend more time in it. A place to get away and be alone. I don't want to be influenced by what other are bragging about or what telling me what I should want. Suddenly all these bitter resentful feelings and thoughts come flooding back. The time you choose elephamt over me the times you choose what you should have over what I want. I worry I won't have enough time alone. I got to make time. I do t want to settle. Not that anything is prefect or ideal. Not that I really know what I want but something that excites me. Let go of anything and anyone that no longer brings me joy. There are many things in my mind. There are moments of hope with elephant. Doesn't mean I shouldn't put in any efforts, but maybe more like an last ditch effort without any expectations. I want to look out for myself. Not sure the best way.

I still am influenced by others what they say and think. I find myself holding back due to it. Others at the end of the day want to go home, but I don't. I stress over it. Hence the whole getting a car I like. I don't know if there will be a time where I have thought enough. Maybe try meditation? Learn to calm your thoughts and going no with the flow of the universe. How little control you have on your own path. Struggle against the wind and current. Most of this is just thoughts and mainly feelings of the moment. Usually nothing specific to pin point the cause of this paragraph as I look back so I do want to be more specific if I can.

As I sit in the car in the ramp at work, there is absence of calm and dredging of returning. As if I want to stay here longer. Away from the worries and the rat race of no end. Not like I'm enjoying the race or if I can learn to like the race. I feel this sour sensation in my chest like bitter resentment against everyone. I depended on you and you let me down. When I would choose you, you would choose another. Maybe it's time I choose myself first. Do I not know what I want? Am I afraid of telling what I want and not getting it? Or the fear of wanting the wrong thing? But can it be wrong? What choices do you have? Guess like playing any mmo, is it the journey or the destination you like more? Sure you want to defeat the boss and get the item, but you lose pirpose after you have gone through the levels and collected the set. Wasn't any point in continue to grind or to trade. Accumulating wealth for what? Let's focus on what's in front of you right now, the summer. The rest will work itself out. Like the pod cast said, Monday will work itself out. 

Passive Aggressive

Folded some Jong earlier this week. No so pleased on how they turned out. More lumpy than the previous years but they held together. Found out elephant was getting his own pad. It's not a bad thing. Should really get your own space anyways. So on Friday I had a list of tickets I had to get an update on but apparently no one wants to chew on anything on fridays. Even silky chicken don't chew on fridays and rooster feels the same. Is it bad I'm the complete opposite where I use fridays to chew on things? Guess they will not be much help on fridays. But Friday I had a list and rooster just skipped over it saying it's for another day to work on. It's all like due soon but no... I guess we can't advoid it and will go over it on Thursday. I rather not wait until then but I don't have a choice. Like the other things on the list, as much as on Friday I wanted an answer, there was no answer or at least no one was ready to give me any answers. Usually rooster is pretty good with emails by today then all was dropped and rolled around. At least the ball rolled back. But I won't always have time anymore past 5pm anymore when you are free. Are there just some me things that will get done on its own time when it's ready.

Started to use a spong for makeup. We will see how well that stays or if it makes a difference.  And on a related note. Always feeling scammed. First by lawyer and then by eBay people saying your product is empty. If it's the one where the lid sealed, how would you get it open to see how much is in it? Though it hasn't happened too often. I don't even recall the last time it happened, but it still irks me.

So now is more certain than ever that chongoon is closing down. It's only a matter of time. Now sure how things will be or if it's for the better or what new challenges will there be. I don't like the negative outlook. I'll try to keep myself away free m it and not get dragged down by it. I'm not like you and don't want to be like you. What am I saving up for? What am I scrapping by for? Is it a crutch? I know I'm not there no no more as much barely, but it's still an excuse. I will have to favce what I am when it's no longer there. I need space. I don't know if much would really change, it be different. Either way, need to clear myself so I can focus. Not so many options. No weighing what is better or should do. There should only be one clear path and task at hand. Focus on what you need to accomplish and where you want to be. Data is trending. I never wanted to be health care front lines care my for people as you know you don't even like people, but maybe you would feel different if you experienced more people. Either way, lets work on this one step at a time now. I still don't feel I am any good at this or anything or how I will do any of it. It feels like so much. So many thoughts ideas, and visions. But all seem not obtaining and fleeting.

Overall think I'm healing. It doesn't hurt as much and try not to think too much for you. Pimples are still there. They seem to have gone deeper but with less pain but still there like many things. Away. It not gone. Haven't found a way to really cure it. Do I need to be more consistent?  Then I can use up somethings and toss it. Purge maybe of the physical aspects that holds me back more than the joy it brings. 

Shifting Winds

It's like there has been a  shift in the tides. Many changes in the impending months. In a sense it put some things in prospective. Things that seems like it would not change and are that's a given seems like it could change. Many things in the coming year to change. Not sure how long will play out. Good buy to alone and me time. But in a sense you really will be more along now that individuals are moving out and chon goon closing shop in maybe the next week. Knew it was only a matter of time but it seem so soon and sudden. What will I miss more about it? Is it the familiarity? I won't have it as a crutch anymore.

Maybe the uncertainty has caused me to buy a small pink yoshi. Something familiar. I'm digressing. I'm not all cured of it, but at least today was a little better as muse was not on my mind too much after the morning. There were moments of weakness, but I think I'm being consumed of the changes coming up and the realization became more real.

There are more than one way to skin a cat. Since I'm having troubles with the mind, I will deal with the physical world and see what I can let go of. What can I free myself from. What can I clear out. Scope saids today and tomorrow should be pretty productive. Though a big part of me still fears being not productive, but the the current state is not helping. Do not fear the change. Do not fear failure. Not sure how I am going to do this, but I will figure it out.
------

Distractions

Overall today was not bad but I still feel frustrated over things not being done. I wonder should I kept better tabs and maybe I would know but do I really care since it doesn't play into my fantasy really well. Would I still be having these thoughts if have known differently? Like div mentioned daughter and it was sweet how she was brought up to enjoy camping. Wonder why was silent. Makes you wonder but there has to be plans like all Americans do. Hmm. Can I just not be content with how things are now? The dangers of too much of even something healthy can turn bad. Let's not dwell on this and do focus on yourself. It's hard through. I don't think I am honey with myself. Like I'm not the  one to admire bums but recently I find myself being a bum admirer. Is it correlated to a certain individual or an attribute? I really gotta admit gawd so old.
------
So just off the phone hearing more compaints. *sigh* testing my patients. It's times like these I welcome the distraction but I wonder if it's making reality worse as it pails in comparison with what I have to deal with. Already withdrawn. At least have something else to maybe to look forward to. Everything is just scrutinized until there is nothing left. Leave no rock unturned.
-----
I feel recently I divulge too much. Leaving myself open to scrutiny. I thought maybe I would have someone I can be open to but I don't think I agree with much. Not that you are only looking for agreement. I know in my mind I feel I am always right. I know I am not and try to keep my opinions to myself but then again that's another can of worms.
----
So I saved this as a draft thinking I will come back and compete it. But it usually has not happened.  The longer I am here, the more I learn and it comes from clicking around and trying things. Knowing makes things worse but it's not you, it's me. I want to place blame but it's just a story in my head that plays out. It can never be and should not be. Even here I can not be so forth coming. I can take a hint. I will take the hint. Just don't let it all go to my head. You are not appealing so you need more work on yourself. I can't help but feel. But as you get colder, it makes it easier.

Pain without love. I may have to drown myself again and kill this if it gets in the way. I'm feeling it does. 

Thranduil

I know what I want to write about, but I want to change my focus.
I am more deterred to eat this week due to a comment from a nosie chicken. But should I let it have such an impact? I'm torn over if I am myself or should even by myself or to please others to get what I want. I haven't been myself for so long I don't know who I am really or what I am. Always trying to be everything others want. What about what I want? Is what I want what others want? Thought about this and am still not sure what the answer is. I sleep because I think I should. I don't get up early because I don't want to be questioned. What if I didn't give a rats about what others thought? At least of the ones that had minimal impact. Does it come back down to the fear of change in their vision of myself that I try to keep it the same? Am I even different or the same, just allowing another side of myself to appear?

All I know is that this is not working. The clutter, the mess, the stuff. I'm not happy with it yet I can't let it go from an emotional and physiological side. I toss and I am wasteful. I keep and I am a hoarder.  I just can't win. How can I overcome this? Why can't I have fewer nicer things? No one will notice things slowly disappearing. Let it go to try to set myself free. I keep waiting for a right time, a better time, but it never seems to come. How long have I kept these things. Even if I was saving it for another, don't they deserve nice new things too? I can't wait for anyone to get on the same page. I will need to make it happen myself.