Hamster Wheel

What's on my mind has been running around and around like a hamster wheel. Distracting at times. Should keep it at a distance and a realization how before I can be into an anime or series and dream up all sorts and be okay but not this? Think the difference between this and any other infatuation is the interaction. It fades over time as I get less time with it but with this, as soon as I think I have gotten over it, it comes back around like a bad pimple. Not sure what will happen with everything splitting. It maybe good for me but still rather frightening and the worry of being found out that you really don't know anything. Helpless without. How to get through it. Impending doom. Wonder how long before we know. I don't have answers for any of these questions. But I know I need to learn as much as I can while I can as it can end at any moment. 

Monday Will Take Care of Itself

the axonties of the weekend especially on Sunday worrying about Monday among other things. And here I am on a Tuesday and Monday did not fall apart. They took care of thenselves and Monday took care of Monday.

Earlier today wasn't sure what hurt more. Knowing you are there and not listening or not there and not listening? It's harder to come up with excuses for the lather. Gotta question your intentions and it could go both ways. All you do to get on their good side or to get what you want? Both in the same. Results may vary. Things can't always be the same. Would I have thought to say anything if nothing was mentioned. What's the point in saving it for later? What if later doesn't arrive? Gotta believe you will have something when the time arrives bs saving it for a time that may not arrive. I'm not sure if scope saids anything but I'll try to take this moment by moment. Would things be different if I knew the truth? Have to protect yourself from disappointment. Not sure the best way to do so. But you gotta ask yourself why you do the things you do ? Is it really for you? Try to think of the other side. What result would I want? Like I tell ppl about the restaurant, do I want them to visit? I actually do if you ask me. I would not have said anything if I didn't. Would have kept my mouth shut. I may mention it once to be polite but not again. Is hard to read and get a cue from. Could mean anything to nothing. Can only consider what I want and best for me especially in a time of uncertainty to know what's out there. For all I know is a secret recruiter.

I'm suddenly having a moment of dajavu again. All this suddenly seems all too familiar. As if I already had these thoughts and moments that has already played out. Like I feel like I know what will happen. Maybe I have been in my head too much. To lie something because it's similar? Is that a bad thing? Or to like something you admire or aim to be? Is that so bad?

No Regrets: doesn't mean nothing bad would not happen just it won't be because I didn't do anything. If it ends up bad, it will be my doing in line with the flow hints and cues from the universe.

Overall fairly productive today. Hopefully there be more productive days ahead.

Splitting into Two

I may have skipped one, but at the moment it's the new anthem. For the time being when I have my moments I find myself falling out of line, I try to remind myself to be in the moment. To promise me no promises. As much as I may enjoy how things are, it will not last. It may not get better, and may even get worse. With all the pending changes, not sure what would happen to me let along happen to you. Realistically I do really see us broken up as the company splits. What will happen then? Or what won't happen? It could be for the better or worse, only time will tell. I just know the last week has been unusually cold. Not even a bye.  Not sure what's up with that. I try looking the other way. Looking even at a career in another direction. While the optimism was short lived and realizing I am not a programmer nor do I want to be. Just leave things be for now. Work on what can give you the best ROI at the moment with what you are doing. Not sure where I may end up or the direction I'm heading. At times I feel the role maybe a little too general. But lets focus on what I want and not letting the stuff control me. If I say you go them you go. I will make it happen.

Do I not have enough good habits or do I have too bad ones? Back to habits. I do feel like writing does help in getting myself focused more, but at the same time I feel this time could be spent on better things like getting my craps done and not being trapped in my head. What can I purge, what can I clean up? There is just so much clutter in my space and in my mind. Need to physically and mentally declutter. It just seems hard to stay organized. I think for now I just need to organize and get rid of clutter around and within me.

Rather disturbing

So we all know I day dream in absence that these thoughts creep in and most of the time if I'm not doing anything that requires too much attention I let them run their course. In the past week I have seen a rather cold distant irritated version and I seem to realize it's all in my mind and I like the version I created more and it would never live up to expectations. Nor should it. Things in general turn out the way I imagin for better or worse. I just don't have the comprehension to anticipate all the possible moves or outcome that universe could possible take. You even assume you will continue on and there will be more but in reality it could all end suddenly at any time. Time seems to pass so quickly. I want to try to take a moment to document some thoughts that in time will be forgotten.

So back to the dream from last night. Usually they are just thoughts but I think I still long for it and it's okay. I just didn't anticipate it to make an appearance the way it did. Like I said. I still like my own version better than what reality can provide. It was a rather simple dream. Think we we were going to a conference. Div, Jon, Kara was there and was in passenger seat and end up holding a finger. I recall the feeling of acceptance and I was awake. I have my day thoughts of saving a life but this was different. Not sure what to make if it so oh well. Not sure but really did seem distance the last week. Wonder what was on the mind. Don't think I will ever know. Nor should it be my concern as long as I get what I need.

This morning was looking at programming languages to look into. Python keeps piping up and R for data analysis. I'm not sure if that's what I want to do but something to do on the side maybe. Yet I feel like there is so much to learn. So little money to make. Got sql, cpp, query, jquery, now python and R and JavaScript seems to be the ideal combo. One just doesn't seem enough. Python has always stuck with me only I think it because the name is an animal. Not sure if it be enough to get me started but I really need to get moving. With the news from last week, I don't know where I would end up. It's a reminder that the company can do what they want and disposable you are and how little control you have though it sure feels like you do. You are at their mercy.

The feeling of lack of control. Even with the simple things of not being able to dispose of things because it makes you feel bad. The objects are able to control their own destiny better than I can. The things control me. I can't choose what to do with them. I have a hard time doing what I want with them because thoughts of what others will think effects me. To do something because you want to do and accepting to results and not because of trying to advoid or appease others. Often time we do things because like you want someone to have positivity towards you so you go to school and join this club. But would you still have done it without them? Is it out of fear?

So many things I want to do and learn and yet I feel myself spinning out of control. Time being eaten away by fear frozen in place hoping for a moment of clarity and certainty that will never come. A signal that I am doing the right thing. Is it always right as long as I am doing what I want? But what is it I want? To be fearless?

Been in the last month listening to self help podcasts. I guess if there is anything to be great duo for is  the phone has helped me to remind me of the need to train your memory. Along the same line been trying to do some strength training. Been slacking off because of the flow but it's better now so I need to get back into the groove. I do feel slightly better now, it was hampered by the bad news from CL, none the less not my problem because no one would give a dip shirt if it happened to me. If the roles were reversed, they would do what was best for them self, their own interest even if it means Chopin me.

So it Mother's Day. Not sure how this day will go. The plan is to go eat some vn noodles and Asian grocery. Nothing too exciting but see how that goes. Also plan to purging what I can easily. Mainly food. See how discrete I can be.

Changes

Good  things don't last. Bad things don't last. The calm also doesn't last. They make decisions based on themselves and we need to make them for myself too. Today company is basically getting a divorce next year. As the kids not sure how to feel about it. Things were gone no well and now the future uncertain and which side to end up being on if any. Just when you were starting to get settled in. Recent thoughts of leaving and how hard it would be may not be so hard anymore with the coming changes. May not have a choice now. My mind md wanders into the though of leaving em and with being so cold, it may not be such a tough choice or alternative. It's like I wasn't able to shake it and then this impending doom happens. It's as if I have brain washed myself into believing what I am when I'm the still hopeless worm that I am. It's rather disheartening. Busy or cold? Not sure but seems rather cold this week. What has changed? You imagin that things could change for the better and forget worse and realize maybe this as good as it gets. There is no better. This is it. Anything else pails in comparison. 

Despacito

There's no slowing down is there? I think I heard this one before but thanks to Raven I got a new song. I don't think this one will stick with me for too long either. Just not feeling like I won't get sick of it. But what is the real reason I am here? Usually I get into a slump and end up here writing. I'm not sure if this is helping or not or making it worse but it's the first time since the recent weeks of anxiety. Maybe it's more in my mind more than anything. As much time that has been spent on em, there's a feeling of calm and yet more focus on work. There will be another, there is also another just like the passing songs. So I guess, I do prefer this over the lather, but at the same time I am worried could this all change. I'm still anxious about other things to come. I'm not sure if listening to the mind podcasts helped or not. It cant hurt I appose.

Philomena

Remember more by writing it by hand. But it looks so much better on screen. A week has gone by. Didn't seem so long. Was online this week and was pretty responsive . Need some self help. So far it hasn't been as bad or difficult as I imagined or dreamed up to be. It only proves what is on my head is not what is really is. Starting to listen to kwik brain. It's an Asian dude but we'll see if it leads to anything.

Start somewhere
Break it down, tiny habits
Be kind to yourself


New song today from sia from a movie. Didn't think I would find another so soon.