Last week was a little too blissful with the gossip and ice cream. You feel like you are apart of something for a moment. But it never lasts. And for most cases this is just a passing moment to be forgotten and that's why it seems that Time goes by so quickly.
I feel like I am holding on to too much. Throwing things away makes me feel better and to have the control over things and not let it stay because it's making me feel bad. To take back control and decide that you don't need it and not to be burdened by an item. It's hard though. You feel like this is the best you will be able to get and if you toss this, you will not have another. But can I live without it? It's like when I went through the pants. I only tossed one and was mainly unhappy with the rest of them but worried I may not have enough and just settled. Being uncomfortable in small cloths and hopping I will grow into bigger ones. I'm an adult now and I am done growing. Why can't I have cloths that fit well. Why I have to settle for less than what I desire.
It's all ties to how I see myself and how I got about things on achievements and settling in life. I don't desire. I will make do with things and how it will turn out or for the little effort the small result don't go wasted. But at the same time I don't know if things I desire it's truly what I want or what others think I should want. I don't want to follow blindly like a sheep. I have mements I want to start over.
How about working on things you want and would make yourself happy. I'm still not that is really. Been trying to be what others want and does what they want from me is what I want for myself. I'm just still not sure. I'm still trying to find it yet I am afraid of the answer. But even when you do find it, then what? It seems like we are all in such a hurry to the end. Like there was not much point in playing the game when you have collected all the armor pieces. It was nice and a sense of achievement for awhile but then you lost the sense of purpose and the thought of starting a new one was too daunting.
Let's use what you got. Use the makeups and cloths you been saving for that moment when you feel like you have a real job that is worth wearing. Project the image you want the world to see and be who you want to be. If you are not totally happy with something, let it go so you can maybe move on to something better. Given it may not be better but you like to try new things for the sake of the experience. To say you have been there and done that. Build the body you want not be what they think you should be. Be bold be fearless take no hostages make no mistake and make. No apologies. It will be hard to break out of old habits but I'm starting to feel suffocated by my things. They control me by how they make me feel with guilt. I don't want to live that way anymore. I can't do much about your things so let's work on mine. Take responsibility for my own crap that I can control. Though you may try to influence what I should or should not do with them. You got your own crap to deal with to be looking at mine. Mind my own crap.
And as for you my muse. So many over the years have come and gone. This one maybe a wee bit for difficult since you are around more and have more interaction than with any of the past ones that have been in passing. I'll try to focus on the above and not let you so much affect my decisions. I haven't decided yet work wise what I want to do or the direction I want to head. For a moment I was lost in it. Was mesmerized by you. But that's what muses do and sirens. I'm more tired of it now. Hope it will run its course. There maybe multiple rounds but a beginning and end. Time to breath in between and hopefully they don't last too long. It's not always what you think but it's still fun. But don't let it seep into reality. It's never as fun so why let it end.
This really is the road to hell. Sometimes I think I already there.
I feel like I am holding on to too much. Throwing things away makes me feel better and to have the control over things and not let it stay because it's making me feel bad. To take back control and decide that you don't need it and not to be burdened by an item. It's hard though. You feel like this is the best you will be able to get and if you toss this, you will not have another. But can I live without it? It's like when I went through the pants. I only tossed one and was mainly unhappy with the rest of them but worried I may not have enough and just settled. Being uncomfortable in small cloths and hopping I will grow into bigger ones. I'm an adult now and I am done growing. Why can't I have cloths that fit well. Why I have to settle for less than what I desire.
It's all ties to how I see myself and how I got about things on achievements and settling in life. I don't desire. I will make do with things and how it will turn out or for the little effort the small result don't go wasted. But at the same time I don't know if things I desire it's truly what I want or what others think I should want. I don't want to follow blindly like a sheep. I have mements I want to start over.
How about working on things you want and would make yourself happy. I'm still not that is really. Been trying to be what others want and does what they want from me is what I want for myself. I'm just still not sure. I'm still trying to find it yet I am afraid of the answer. But even when you do find it, then what? It seems like we are all in such a hurry to the end. Like there was not much point in playing the game when you have collected all the armor pieces. It was nice and a sense of achievement for awhile but then you lost the sense of purpose and the thought of starting a new one was too daunting.
Let's use what you got. Use the makeups and cloths you been saving for that moment when you feel like you have a real job that is worth wearing. Project the image you want the world to see and be who you want to be. If you are not totally happy with something, let it go so you can maybe move on to something better. Given it may not be better but you like to try new things for the sake of the experience. To say you have been there and done that. Build the body you want not be what they think you should be. Be bold be fearless take no hostages make no mistake and make. No apologies. It will be hard to break out of old habits but I'm starting to feel suffocated by my things. They control me by how they make me feel with guilt. I don't want to live that way anymore. I can't do much about your things so let's work on mine. Take responsibility for my own crap that I can control. Though you may try to influence what I should or should not do with them. You got your own crap to deal with to be looking at mine. Mind my own crap.
And as for you my muse. So many over the years have come and gone. This one maybe a wee bit for difficult since you are around more and have more interaction than with any of the past ones that have been in passing. I'll try to focus on the above and not let you so much affect my decisions. I haven't decided yet work wise what I want to do or the direction I want to head. For a moment I was lost in it. Was mesmerized by you. But that's what muses do and sirens. I'm more tired of it now. Hope it will run its course. There maybe multiple rounds but a beginning and end. Time to breath in between and hopefully they don't last too long. It's not always what you think but it's still fun. But don't let it seep into reality. It's never as fun so why let it end.
This really is the road to hell. Sometimes I think I already there.
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