Discontent

So it finally came.  One less thing to slightly to worry about.  Been a rough week. Better if less is said. Words do more damage at times.  Sometimes silence is really golden.  So much dissatisfied people.  It's like everything that comes out of your mouth is about some discontent.  What is truly excellence?  Is it all your achievements?  It is material excellence?  Why we have to meet all these goals that others put on you?  The more I ask, the more questions I have.  Is it good enough?  Why we can not settle for good enough.  We always have to try to be better.  Always have to be chasing something better.

We can never know another person, so how can we judge? Never mind what we or others have done previously. "There is no such thing as a criminal, only a person who once committed a crime" [Ajahh Brahm]. 

All that matters is what we do now, how we show kindness, compassion and forgiveness to ourself and others.

Feeling is not a problem. What we experience is not a problem. Holding on to it is the problem; that is suffering. Letting go is the end of suffering.

You don't always have to be the best. Don't let how others feel or what they think affect you.  People have their own intentions and are always tiring to push their own agenda.  Others want to control you.  And other don't want to to succeed as your success will make them look bad.  We are resentful of others.  Look down on others failures and despise others success. Do not let other change your path.  You will never make them happy if they can not be happy with themselves.  You are who you are.  Can not impose yourself on others. 

Nothing

Sill nothing and over a day late... I try to find comfort and calm and to find a reason, but I can't bring myself to believe it. Why is this happening to me?  It has been way too comfortable. I really need this, why you are doing this to me?  I don't know what to make of it.  I will starve it if I have to.  I don't want this and will not hesitate.  But what are the odds?  It has been less than before by so much.  Have tried to be so careful and yet this happens. I can't deal with this.  I don't know if cancer or a baby is worse.  I can't bring myself to accept such things.  Please please please I really need this to happen.  I really can't take this.  What do you want from me?  What do you want me to do? All we do is butt heads.  Always find something to pick on.  It's like a blood sucking mosquito annoying pestering little bug.  I don't know how long I can do this.  Apatite too well, worries me. Please may  have the answer I am looking for.

Control

 Shouldn't feel the need to, but recently been feeling the need to control.  Maybe it's resentment from others controlling me.  Don't like being told what to do.  Don't like how others think they know what is best for me.  What I should do, what I should be doing, how things should be done.  Apparently I don't know what I am doing.  I would just screw things up. Hard to let things go when everyone is always telling you what to do.  One can only take so much. Doing what pleases people other than what's right.  Give people trust and encouragement and respect and people will live up to it?  But who will give that to me if everyone is always telling me what to do and treat me like a child?  Control and Fear. Fear of mistakes. Freedom to be miserable and to be depressed? So many expectations and aspirations.  You control so much, can't always push through it.  So many frustrations.  Things get tough.  Things you can't change or control.  Don't want a programed life, but what about the things you want to do? Without desire, feel as though life has no direction. To not control is to not care?  How to not plan and not control and yet show care? I don't want other peoples thoughts and opinions to affect me. They have had enough impact.  They have prevented me from making an offer on  car just because I knew they would think it's too old. I want to be on my own for awhile.Just disconnecting from things for a bit.  Not lets others tell me what to do and also not telling others what to do.  They are old enough to know what they are doing weather I agree with it or not. Be free to live the way you want to.  I am done waiting for permission for others to eat, take me out, permission to get something, or if it's a good idea.  I will decide things on my own.

Luck?

Sudden Pain

Had an some what insightful day.  But first, almost felt like I was going to do.  It was a sudden cold and hot and cold and sudden piercing pain running from my butt and down my leg to the point I had to sit down on the floor instantly if it wasn't so painful to get myself on the floor.  As dirty was the floor seemed, I needed to get down before I fell over.  Even tense moment was so painful. I seemed like it lasted for minutes, but sure it was only second.  I hoped and hoped it would fade soon before anyone saw me in tears of pain.  It soon faded without incident. It was a moment of one of the greatest relief of my life.  Don't think I have experienced such cold pain in my life.

Fairness

This past weekend been planning a trip to Chicago.  It's more business than pleasure and now even more business.  It has gotten more serious.  Convo of today went more like oh I don't ask for help because people will talk about how you needed help.  And my side went more like not many people do things without help.  Not many people do things alone.  Complain how no one help with you don't even ask for help.  You worry about how others will think of you when you should be thinking of yourself.  What your aunt and uncle think about you doesn't matter, they don't even know what their own mother that lives with them likes to eat.  That really shows what they know and care about.  Not saying I am any better, but I don't think they are much better.  Their opinion does not benefit you in any way. They won't help even when they can help, but you like your mom goes to help people anyways.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but when you don't get anything in return, how can you complain?  They can ask your for help and not return the favor to you because you feel obligated to do so for family sake.  But they don't see it the same way.  I can go on this rant forever.  Got to stick to your guns.  Help others if you can and if you want to, not because someone tells you that you should.  You do not need people around you that do not support you and push you down.  It's even okay if they do not support, but do not get in the way.  Do nothing and stand on the side is better than standing in your way.

Lucky Bunny?

You keep hearing preparation and opportunity = luck.  You think it's true?   With his story, I wonder would it be different if he had not so much money, would he still pay for the elderly couple hotel and ride?  Would he had been able to meet them in any other way?  Or was it his generosity that they saw?  Even if you had money, not sure how many people would pay for a strangers ride and stay.  Or did they just like that he stopped to help them?  Could be an opportunity to learn more, get some insight either way.  Mom did mention he was the risk taker type and do again the grain type.  Everyone told him not to buy a failing restaurant, but in 3 months turned it around.  I think hearing other people stories help to get me to think outside the box.  I don't want to be stuck hear forever.  A part of me is itching to get out.  Although a part of me feels safe hear.  Am not appreciated hear.

Where there be a point I look after myself first?

The More You Know

Said I wasn't going to look anything up.  But ran into it accidentally.  I think it's what I want, but I fund myself longing for the other one.  Maybe it's the angle of the image, but I do find this one rather plain. 

Looked up some things I maybe should not have.  Not sure what the point in knowing.  It seems unreachable.  Keep looking for a trick or something I'm lacking to either figure it out or to give up.  People tell you one thing and then another.  Not sure what to believe or to even think there is a right or one correct way to approach thing.

I think I should start reading again.  Not sure if all them self help books help or just out to make money.  It's like Doc Phill telling people what they already know but in a book form.  People are so different.  Situations are so unique.  How can one set a rule or a path that can lead everyone to the same place? Maybe I should just stick with my gut for now until I can find a better approach that works for me.  

HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

I find myself wanting to share or aka gossip about things.  Not sure how this will bring gratification to self by putting down others or self.  Some things are maybe better not said.  Been thinking of changing and transforming myself.  Start with slight changes like how I care for my teeth and dry my hair.  Small efforts hear and there so get the ball rolling.  Not sure how long it will take, but got to do something.  I want to work on my image and not just for what others think of me, but what I think of me.  So I think that's what prompted the whole watch thing.  Not necessarily a vanity thing, but transforming how I see myself and I want others to see me.  We tend to define yourself of what others say about us.  At the same time you don't need anyone permission to feel a certain way about our self.  I find myself asking for permission in getting a watch, getting a job and not doing things for myself anymore.  It because more about pleasing others or asking permission to be yourself, to get approval.  I will keep looking.

What have I done today?  I have completed a few things, not a lot, but a few at least.  Need to plan a few more things.  Hopefully the weekend will not be a total lost.  Being on the computer really makes me tired.  Not like I don't spend enough time on the computer during the day.  Lots of changes ahead.  Not sure where the road will lead to.  Hopefully will check back hear more often to keep updated.  Recently lots of changes at work and all around.  No one knows if it's for better or worse.  Change has always been scary for me.  But it's something that can't be stopped or avoided.  Something we all got to face.  Like job change and moving out.  Can't really realistically expect it to always be the same.  I like her hair in the video and make up, so kerrigan.  . 

So Lovely

Maybe a chrono version of that one would be best.  I shall keep looking.  The issue I guess is that I do not know what I want.  Brand vs color vs cost vs use us coolness.  Really no idea, guess can be happy with any.  Maybe I do need to look for a purple one with numbers.  Oh well, it's just more research.  It's sure nice.  I already have one in theory.  I also don't need one, but I think I would be okay with anything.  I like them all, the picts online really don't do them justice. 

So lately I have been worried about a shift in duties.  Not sure if I will understand it or even enjoy it.  I don't like begin stuck on a problem.  I worry even more even if I ask someone, still don't understand and still stuck and the realization that you are just stupid.  No one can explain it to you so you can understand because you just understand.  I have been trying to look the part.  Trying to make myself believe in it first.  Think that's half the battle. 

Breaking Point

Been having a few moments of discomfort.  Like being pinged by small needles, so how much of it you can take before you move.  I don't know if I have made it to that point yet.  Maybe this whole blog this isn't such a bad idea.  Just keeping it incognito.  I want to some extend to work on one thing at a time.  The whole house thing is really throwing a kink in things.  I feel itchy like always getting bitten by bugs sucking the life out of me.  DO I move or slap it?  No one seems to be on the same page on the house.  I want to just throw the while book in the fire.  Always saying you young people don't know anything and how you think everything is so easy.  I just want to do something about it.  I don't have a lot of time now.  I just need to do what I can.  Always looking for where my next meal may come from.  At least I got some idea buzzing around with selling grass among other things.  Lets not dwell on the things that bother you and do the things you want to for a moment....

I left my lime green post it note at work this time.  I was going to say again, but it's a different place this time.  See if I remember it tomorrow.  Sitting and typing is such a pain.  There has to be a better way to do this.  It's just not working.  I like my layout, but at the same time I want to change the image and keep the words.  I itch, yet see nothing.  Wonder if they are ghost blood suckers?