Hassle

Okay so I haven't written much this week. But I have good reason for it. Have so much to catch up on. It's almost distressing. See this is the reason I don't want to apply for anything. But in a way it's if you wait, it maybe gone. But then new oppertunties will appear. So either way it's okay. But I don't like how I have to drive around so much. Too much to prepare for. I shall finish this off at least try to when I get back from visiting the Chinchilla. I need to make some bread and then take a shower before 7pm creeps up on me. Filling out the forms sure take up a lot oh time. Would they even bother with an interview if they thought it was a waste of time?

In general, for the past week, I have been pissed. After the hang up, I didn't feel like much anything at all. All this trouble. Now I am all bothered by all this craps. Phone call this and phone call that. Do I really have freaking time for this crap? I got enough to deal with next week and I don't need it. I do hope nothing goes through. I just don't want it at this point. I can't prepare enough to get it done the way I want to and I don't want it badly enough. I don't want to make dittly squat just enough to make rent and eat the crap I have been eating of late and screw myself over like what happened last week. Freaking hell. So that's that. I know there is more. All this over one thing someone saids and I drag myself into this mess. But I shall leave it be. No use beating myself over it.

~To the Zoo~
Went to visit stephy this evening or more like her growing zoo. it's funny how I was the one to use to have the zoo and how things are switched around now. I don't want to have such desires. The chinchilla was cute, but not as friendly as I would want. Got spiked by hammy and petted snake. The parekeet was hissie. Snaked pooed and it was grose. Who knew a snake could even poo so much? The chinchilla has tiny gerbil poo and it smelled like marshmellows. Else everything was nice, plenty of PDA. Enough to be sickening? There was a slight oddish with the bedrooms. But this it's safe to assume. But no matter it's all good in the growing zoo. Pigeon had a change of plan but then later bailed on us to join the guys in drinking. Sunday morning he's in a weight lifting challenge thing. It should be ammusing. I only want to go so I can take picts for him. And it can't hurt to see if there's any cuties to peep at. Not like there's any here at the moment. Paulie bought beer with his buddy and some tea thing for steph and it tasted bad. It's at least sweet he at least got her something he thought she would like. It was funny how steph mentioned that Kristine wanted to help plan steph's wedding? Also with the whole incident with the kidney stones which I didn't really mention before, but in general paul ended up rushed to the anbulance to the hospital without insurance with about a 2k bill. Sadly I have to say I dreaded the worse. I don't want to think that way, I really don't want to. But I know it's a part of me I am working on to teach.

~Pottage~
Potted a bunch of plants today. Can't say if much or anything happened today. Got a call from the learning center about sone questions? I better listen to it again to be sure. I forget to look up the loan letter. Gotta take care of things yourself. But it just so pisses me off when people don't let me look at my own just or let me know my own junk when they already open it and don't freaking tell me. Then don't freaking open it. Fak it! I just do it now and take care of the carp shit. How can you get it worng when it's 2/10. How can you think it's 02/09 when it's already freaking passed. How simple things can be so off. Just leave my own things to me and let me deal with it. Relax. Things are usually not as difficult or confusing as it seems or as bad.

Where to start? Lets go backwards. This week of late, especilly the sides of my nails have been peeling. It's irritating. Like how many things are of late. Seems of late I have been moody. How little things irritate me. Forms annoy me the most. No use telling someine that's not around or can do a thing about it. Or more like the one that got me into trouble. So trouble some. Maybe this is my punishment.

~Dance~
So this week, was inspired by a song yesterday. Or more like it was earlier in the week. My neck feels sticky, I want to wash it before I sleep. I am too irritated to sleep. Good thing tomorrow isn't sunday. About the song, it was actually from "So You Think You Can Dance." The whole ballywood thing. Who knew a PussycatDoll song could be so catchy. So that was something that took my mind off what was bothering me for the evening. Earlier this week was feeling hopeful like I acomplished something. But it was all too soon busted. But then I got hopeful again and then disapointed. But Jai Ho was something that got my mind off the irritant and something that poped into my mind that I really didn't consider much. It's a profrssor I won't say. Never thought of it that way really before. The idea has crossed my mind before, but never really gave it any realy though. But it was kind of scary when I started to think about it.
But overall, the song did make me feel better and gave me a sence of hope I haven't had this week.

~Choices~
The choices we make. Doesn't matter as long as you are the one to make them and you can live with them. I can not let someone else decesions and choices affect the ones I make. I must do it for my own good. But can knowing what others decide help me make a better choice? You will never have all the information as much as you want it. You can only make sue of what you have and do the best you can with taking care of yourself the best you can. There will always be something you wish you knew, want to know. It can never be complete. So how much is enough? By putting myself first.

~Strained~
So after being scolded, I went and did what was wanted out of me. Does paul ever scold? It makes me feel as if I am not enough. So I try to prove it worng? I am not doing it for the right reasons. I really need to be more careful of what I am typing. Silly errors. Always leave youself with a choice. Don't back yourself into a corner.

For now, take care of yourself is on top. Don't worry how others will reply. You can do nothing to control such things or affect the outcome..

Family Secrets

I shall finish this tomorrow as I am so very tired. More like emotionaly drained.
Family secret epi, class burger, meaningless email, pancake dinner, resume sending,

Letting Go

Sure this isn't an new idea. It doesn't look good at all. For I am have warned.

Love: The World
Touchstone: The Tower
Career: The Star

-->As far as your social life goes, nothing seems to be going right any more. The alliance of the Tower and the World inflates your ego and you’re in no mood for contradiction or reproach. At the slightest obstacle, you get on your high horse, spoiling for a fight. Careless words can easily be blown out of proportion, melly, so if you want to spare your relationship, learn to be more tactful. Everything’s at cross purposes today at work, as the energies conspire to disrupt your self-assurance. The joint influence of the Star and the Tower denote ill-contained aggression. If you don’t manage to control your emotional state, others will see you as volatile and unpredictable and as someone who cannot be trusted to solve problems in a reasonable manner. Take that as a warning ...

Realization of your own emaotions, maybe the best way to combat this. But is it the best way to deal with this is to fight it? I have to pick my battles and not go to war with everyone that stands in my way. After some salad I do feel a smudge better. But I feel as I should eat more, but I don't know what else. I know it all doesn't take long. It all shouldn't really take long once you get rolling. But it's the fear that holds me back. If I try. If I give it my all to no a due. Can't you blame me? They all say the same thing. As long as you try. But we all know what they are all truely thinking is that if you try, there is no reason you you to not to sussceed. You fail because you didn't try hard enough. So there's no pleaseing them. I already feel bad enough. And all this doesn't make things better. But I am better. Really I am. I do not blame anyone. Especially not you. I know it's only because you care. I can feel it. Yet the more you care, the more it hurts. The more I fear I may disapoint you.

So lets not beat myself over this. It shall be done. I know in a way I can get into the swing of things and I can see the many ways this can play out. I can see myself blowing up and saying the most painful things. And then I can see myself loving with understanding and compassion. How I want to be and how I am may not be the same. Always room for improvment. It's evening gloom now. Stormy. I shall rest on this for awhile. Chillie. I do hope his trip goes well and he gets an apointment in. Please be happy. I don't wish to bring anyone any pain. Especially you.

It has just started a light rain. The kind you see in the movies. Reminds me of someone that said to me once how he liked to sleep when it's raining. I hope it lasts a bit longer.

Be Beautiful

Part of the reason I think could be because I lack of eating. I know a downturn of all this is the lack of nurishment. I don't even want to listen to it. I don't want to have it running in my head. Just want to leave it be. Understand, doesn't mean I agree with it. Before I could have blamed it on not wanting to be seen. But now that reason isn't there. I don't want to do anything for anyone buy myself. That was there is more justification. It's rather gloomy out today. I don't want to depend on you anymore. I know it isn't easy. Seems so minor, so silly. Maybe it's all just too much. Lke before, I just don't want to admit it. Like it's not enough. But I know it's part my end. I know I haven't been holding up my end. Can I change? Will I change? I still don't want anyone to effect my own feelings and views. To affect my actions. I guess if I were to let it, I would have gotten off. Else I may have left it, and so I shall go on as I have. On my own.

Burden

Most of the time, really nothing in common. Else other times there are funny uncanny resembelance. But most of the time, it's a strange thing. It's more like a love hate thing. Not really sure what draws them in. But in a stange unfashion kind of way, there is maybe just a thing for wanting to change one and one self. Not sure if this is the taking in the injured or hapless animal in the side of the street and wanting to nurse it back to health thing or a thing for wanting the unwanted. It's an uncanny thing. I try and fail and don't try and fail. What would Ajahn Brahm say about this? I know it's a stingy situation. I don't really want to do anything for anyone besides myself. It's me the one I have to live with. While others thrive on presure. I think I am better with persuaion. It maybe a good thing for there few days I take the time to think about the reality of the situation in all aspects. I know I have a tendcy to live in a fantasy and dream. But at times, I need to give myself a break, so it's not a bad thing. But like others have said I need to realize the burden of all this. Can I live with this presure? Why one like this and what happens when you don't live up to the expectations? Is it really good enough just to try or is it more just do it untill you sussceed? Think had enough presure for today.

Care

Think I need to displace some things. As long as one is happy doing what one wants, how can anyone say it's a bad thing? Bad for ones self maybe. But I can get over it. But why do I have to? At my own expense? Or maybe it's not so bad. I was able to let it go before. Can't say it was easy or didn't hurt. I am trying to decide if I should go out to eat. I still have the same disalusion of eating in front of others. The motion sensor sent is a good idea. And they even added a protective part where it doens't go insain and with every little movement it sprays. I figure that I should try to get every little thing done possible so I will run out of things to do and be left with the things I have to do.

It's the paralizing fear. It's strong. Very strong. I know I will regret if I don't. Do I want to shower now or later? Better to just do it now. Gotta get it done eventually anyways.

Pouf

Revisited a song I ran into this weekend and didn't really like it or the characters in it. But I felt it was a sign I don't Care by 2NE1. Creative name eh? I just noticed that. I am slow eh. Through I don't have a perference to the characters like Girls Generation. They are not cute like them. I do like how one ounches. It's something I feel like doing. But it's starting to grow on me. I tell you it's a sign. After listening to it once again, I was motivated to write. Maybe all I needed was a simple song. Although idealy I wouldt not want to be doing this now, but it's how it is. I can slowly feel myself caring less. The less I care, the less damage I can do and can be done to me. I must at all times protect one self.

Bitterness~
I was bitter yesterday how usually a simple message can usually make me feel better. But yesterday one simple message had an opposit effect. I think that was it that created my writers block where all I could get out was one sentance. I can feel myself starting to let go, but I don't want it to turn to bitterness, but maybe it's part of the process.

Distance~
The more I think about it, less in common there is. What's keeping things together then? I am starting to see the demise of all this soon. The distance I know I won't be able to handle it unless I got work. So I better work hard to find work for any chance. I feel like giving up, letting go. I don't want to hold on any longer. Maybe this is just me being tired talking. I am really tired.

Scope~
Daily Planetary Overview
Mars quincunx Pluto today will bring the tendency to waste time and energy. Things will probably not go according to plan and you'll have to make last-minute adjustments. You'd rather spend time talking to friends and co-workers than work.Your Horoscope - Today, July 14, 2009
There may be some rough spots to this day that might be difficult for you to iron out, melly. It could be that whatever you do, you are coming up just a bit short of the mark. Perhaps your level of indecisiveness is simply making it too difficult for you to be effective. Your easy-going nature of naturally swinging with the flow is actually making it easier for other people to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. Take control of the situation.

I really should have read this before I stated the day. Yesterday like today I didn't get anything done. I really do hope tomorrow will be better as I get something done. Today was pouring rain. Like 3 inches in St. Cloud. Thoughts of grad school has crossed my mind, but the issue of where I would get letters of recomendations lingers. (oh parrot butt on tv)

~Creation~

Last Sunday I made the crisp and it was one of the most darn tasty thing I admit I have ever made to my surprise. Only thing it got too watery, but it might be cuz I put in too much sugar and it freaked out the strawberrys. Opps. Else it was a quite weekend. I try not to talk about a certian subject because it's always on my mind. But today I really want to try to not care for awhile and be left alone in peace.

Final Thoughts~
Actually got in a decent meal today even though I didn't finish it, but it's better than not eating at all. Past two days have not really done much at all. Got a few things done, but not the important things I wanted to. I think some moving and a change of things may help. I want even inspired enough to do my hair, or at least try to. Hopefully this mood will blow over soon. for now goodnight self, do take care, Don't worry about mistress. But does a mistress wait or is always there or avalible? But it's always followed by to what adue when we don't really talk. It's just to comfort me. Selfish eh? Think it's better to think of it as a lost cause. Ended before it started. As do all things begin and end...