Productivity

Yesterday was pretty productive. Got the things I needed to get done. But not everything that I need. But it's a good start. For the most part I don't know if most of it is even right. I still have troubles figuring what to eat. I know I need to eat better for yesterday there was red while going to the bathroom.

Denyal

Sometimes there are things I just don't want to see. But I should not just forcus only on the negatives. A good person in general. It's disturbing the whole pharamone thing. It really is. Who uses such things? Does it really work? And what it used for... It does disturbe me in a way, but at least it's for men to attract woman. But who knows what else it's attracting...

Jealousy?

Is it funny how realize how pretty she is? If you can do it, why can't I? Is it not all is fair in love and war. It doesn't help that people surrounding me saids there can not be a good ending to this. I already knew this as well. But I'm a tragic story anyways. It's the tragic ones that make things interesting. It's not like I really need answers from. For I already know the answer more or less. I just noticed the gem in the phone is missing. I wonder where it go? I shall search anyways with no expectations of finding it.

There are times that I should always keep in mind that my time is limited. That this life, mind, feelings will all eventually end. Like I was never alive. This talk about Dependant Orgination and how in death you can't take anything with you.

Thinking

Tum Tum

Can't say the old tumster is feeling very well. I guess it could be because it's too cold. Got the cold tummy thing going. Meanert. And kind of hungie, so I guess I better get going so I can grab a quick bite and then hobble over to meeting. I got most of the paper done. Just a few kinks to work out. I really should work on at least :

• one quiz and fill out the
• Xcel application.

That should be good enough if I can get that done.

Slowness

Is it not just rediculious how slow the register site is? I am paying for this and it gives me crap shiet. There are no numbers anywhere so I don't know what I should do now. I should have printed it out when I had the chance to.

Timelyness

It's funny how on time it is. It's almost scary how one little pill can do affect you in such a way.

Rice Cake

FUNNIEST ANGEL IN THE GARRISON
It's kind of funny to see a guy eating a rice cake for some reason. I still gotta get a tassel, but it's not a big deal for now.

But I don't really feel like saying much now because I am kind of hungie, so I should find something to eat. But what to eat. So it kind of sucks that I get up and turns out class was canceled, but no matter. It's a good thing, I mean if I knew it was canceled, then there's a good chance I would have just stayed in bed. But at least I am up. But oh so hungie. Always having troubles figuring out what to eat. I know I am still stingie. But I really do need to eat something. But it's one of thoes things where I want to eat, but not enough to know what to eat.

And so one again I am tourmented with this decesion. Do I need to whip out the decesion talk again hmm?? It's whatever decesion you end up making, you will be able to make use of it. But you just need to pick something. How often have you struggled with this and made a choice that was too early and regreted it? Like me deciding not to go to condom olyimpics I do regret. None of the community things I decided to do to I have regreted. The things I thought I would or waste time has not. Should I not have learned something from that? Or maybe I am just laxzy. It's only the times where you waited too long to make a choice that you cause yourself difficulty. So it's where to go from here?

Then lets go look for something to eat. Eventually you'll eat it all anyways. So what difference does it make if it's sooner or later. It all will be done. But I figure there could be a chance I be eating one too many times. So to reduce the bloated feeling, I shall wait.

So did waiting seem like a waste of time? I sit here listening to them talking about accounting and start to think does everyone work that much except for me? Because I look at people and they seem so carefree and yet what you don't see is all the work that has gone behind it all.

Proactive

How I missed it by one day. And so do I wait? Or do I just go for it? It's funny how I missed it by one silly day. I can so close to buying it and yet I didn't think at the time to look for a coupon either. But I had a change of heart for a second. But i still wanted to do something nice. Shipping seems to be the same no matter how much I add so I might as well just add it both and get it both over with. I still haven't really gotten anything. I should really. But it really wasn't meant to be maybe. I shall wait I guess. See if more discount appears. But I fear if I wait to long for something so seasonal it will be gone. But good God it could have been like a $6 savings...

Yesterday wasn't bad, but for some reason I felt distance. I am not really sure why. It could be part insecurties. But I really can't care. I need to play my role in all this and not let my emotions control me or be overcome by emotions. Realize they are there. But always keep your composure and keep them wanting more. To play and be the player and not be played. Don't go picking out the short end of the stick. Do what you think others want, what you think you would want. Something nice. Being cold and distance only creats more chills and puts in more distance. Be warm, kind, understanding, and loving. Even if they screw up, make them feel bad for it and be consumed with guilt. Approach with discression.

And so I spend, am I really willing to spend...

• See just edited the resume and that wasn't so bad. I like it a wee but more now. So now to tinker with the other letters and mail them all out. And I should just wait till tomorrow and take care of the girf thing. But I really don't want to wait. Even if I did it yesterday, I dout I would have used a coupon. But I was still deciding if it was worth it. But either way, worth it or not, I still want to do something nice.
  
  

Unbeautiful

Funny how one person and affect the way you feel about yourself. I never felt pretty around. Not only not feeling pretty, but feeling even worse most of the time. And I wonder why I still stay? In a way it just might actually be what it is, friends with benifits. I really am starting to think it's better to just be friends. In general over all is good to me. But doesn't live up to the standards of what I am looking for in anything long term. We want different things. We look forward to different things. Desire different things. I don't need to be made felt beautiful, but not to be put down...

Who you are fucking kidding. The only way is to only think as a friend...

I am so scared... I haven't had these thoughts or feelings in a long time of the end. Of how it will end or how it will feel. Really haven't thought about it untill I thought about kids... The thought of my thoughts ending, this enitity ending really scares me. The not knowing. But if I think of all the time that has passed before me, there was nothing, no pain, or anything. All there is left is the fear and emptyness. The more I worry of things I can not control, the more pain I cause myself.

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I didn't like how people were thinking who was. But I can't controll what others think. They can think what they want. Really can't be bothered. Can't just sit here and worry about the phone bill. You go to where you need to do, go do what you need to do without consideration. I think what really helped was knowing there are others in worse off situation. Don't make nothing into something. But maybe I really do need to talk to. What would you suggest? Is it really better to talk...

Please take care, goodnight self.

Indifferent

It seems like not matter how little or much work I have to do within a week, nothing seems to get done. I mean how freaking long have I been sitting on my arse on the ap stuff? I think I am starting to fall back into a regression where I feel if I don't get it it is because I did not try, not because I am not good enough. It's a sad feeling. I can't totally blame anyone else but myself for it's all my own decisions. For now I go get things done before I forget and not to put things off. I go get a wrap and them card. I shall check back on you see. It's show time...

Okay such failure... I need to find a how to get out of this grove. Man up. Be Beautiful.

Hunger

Just so painful that I don't even want to eat...

Daily Planetary Overview

Mercury will enter Taurus today and stay for about three weeks. Under this transit, you will be stubborn and slow to comprehend. The good news is that you will be careful and methodical and appreciate beautiful music.

Your Horoscope - Today, April 9, 2009

It may seem as if someone has dumped a huge bucket of water over your head today, melly. Your fire is extinguished. Keep in mind that this is only temporary, and that your internal flame will be rekindled soon.

And yet I don't know what to eat, but when the time comes I know what I need to do. And then by crap arse luck. I knew my chances and yet I had hoped for either or. But now it's far worse. It didn't help that I run into arse and then I had things I wanted to do and then a side track and I end up doing nothing. Doing anything is better than doing freaking nothing. I had enough of doing nothing. I just want to do something. Already had so many frustration and U don't need something to get in the way at least something that I can somewhat control. I don't want to wait anymore. I really don't want to. Doing something that doesn't help is better than doing nothing. And then again no one makes me. I make the choice to. And so like mom saids and everyone else, don't be pushed around. You got things you want to do and not at my expense. If I fail it will be by own accord no on anyone elses. You will not nor anyone get in my way.

I am sorry self. My dear self. What I put you through. I am really sorry for not taking care of you. I should be looking out for you first and not let you suffer. Not cause you pain, not do anything that is not in your best interest.

Frustration

I don't know what I was thinking yesterday letting let it go inside me. I wonder if it was I the one that broke it in the first place. And then today you see the whole Palin thing. I am such a disapointment. I have been letting too many things go and not enough oppertunties to make things up. I really need to reset myself. I am just so deeply disapointed and the feeling of homelessness is starting to set in. Starting to feel the not wanting to do anything and just sleep the days away. Is it worth it? I am not happy. I am not well. I know with the way I have been feeling, I don't know if I want to go to the coffee cop thing, but I know there really hasn't been a time where I went and really regreted it or felt like it was a waste of time. But either way, I am tired of waiting. I don't want to wait anymore. I know I do miss it. I really do. But I can't.

What the faking hell I want to scream sometimes. I just want to hold on to my B and now I am struggleing to push a C. I just want to scream and then cry... Maybe it's the room, my cure...

The Ball

Oh dear, have I fallen off the ballage? it sure sucks, feel so disapointed. Who knew Linsey was a lesbo. but who is to say. I just need to be always working on something and do less thinking. All this thinking is really making me tired.