Don't want your M&Ms to be too organized

I forget the wonders of hair and makeup. Ran into half and half makeup and then the elf costume and oh my. I forget how lovely and ethereal they are. Reminds me of another character. Forget the name at the moment.

So yesterday was wheeling in boredom and wondered what will I ever shall do. And then today rolls around and not enough time for anything. I want to spend some time chewing on some things on my own before I go chirping. But I don't want to waste too much time chewing if I could just ask and get an answer quickly. Difficult to deduct human behavior especially the weird ones. The not so normal and predictable ones.

So for myself, phone is being wierd, dim one moment and bright another. I should organize and check things off my list. If the item doesn't bring me joy or at least should not upset me, it should go. Setting time aside to toss things sometimes works but it's not as productive as I had hoped. Like closet cloths and pants not really productive. Going through sleeping cloths was better and much more productive but then again I don't use it often and was easier to let go and nothing new was bought recently. So at least one thing at a time if not cloths then foood that's not tasty.

Even all this time I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Again it maybe I'm in my head too much and can't separate who I am or think I am to what I want to be or trying to get away from. 

The End is Near

It feels like many things are coming to an end and I'm just cleaning up and packing it up. I don't feel I am very useful at this point nor was I ever. The idea of the company getting smaller doesn't feel like a good outlook. At lease if I make it through the end of the year will have a year under my belt. I should prepare for change. Not sure what is to come. Not sure if I prefer to be busy or useless. But at least got some cleaning done.

Wonder what you are working on? At least today it didn't burn so much. Haven't been on my mind too much today actually. I feel I'm slowly getting better. Not sure when if I will ever be cured. But I got my own tail to worry about. You are the least of my concerns right now. 

Ear buds!

Got to admit this is silly but I was thinking I left them at home and with not much going on today, was going to plug in and organize stuff but could it be due to the lack of music to create feelings in myself I am more productive? I'm not sure but maybe I will find out soon. 

Grounded

I'm not sure what best describes today as the meeting in the morning has shed light on some of my thoughts and fears. Also seeing how Anoka is hiring a marketing director hints at where we could end up or no where at all. The meeting hinted at moving away from the current and to Adp as well as who would go where. It could be just ideas being bounced around. I'm not sure where I would fit in and am starting to worry. This has taken away from idol throught of my muse. The once fluttering pain and become dull when there is a shift in focus. I don't think an updated profile will do anything at the moment. I'm just waiting to be told what to do. I don't know where I would prefer to be as there is much to consider and also it may not be my choice to make. So far today has been pretty good when it comes to being distracted by my muse. Let's focus on what I can do for now in case things change quickly.

I don't know if writing helps but I think it helps to track time. All too often it seems to pass quickly and thoughts and feelings quickly forgotten. Though the thought of trying and failing frightens me. I think the lack of progress maybe worse. Tiny stepts. Don't fear the Change and of the unknown. Clear your world and your mind. Free yourself of objects holding you back. Don't collect for a future that has yet to be decided. May not be around for it anyways. Leave room for the things of now. Not future or past. Memories and potential are hard to let go. Keep ot and you're a hoarder, toss it and you are a waster. I can't do anything that has already here. I can't go back and change it. I shouldn't let others opinion clutter myself. Objects and your opinion don't control me. I will do as I please because I have to. I can't keep living like this. Too much clutter that doesn't bring me joy, only guilt. 

I've Got Issues

Even though I have been trying to reason myself out of this or just get this to a place that I can just work through it, What am I doing? What am I trying to do? It helped that I had someone to look up to but it's became all too consuming. Where I feel like I am waiting for someone to make the next move. Relying and depending on anthers action before I can decide on what I want to do. I feel like it's myself or I am letting an outside force preventing me from moving. Another semester has gone by and here I am still worrying about the same thing as months ago and has done nothing about it. I feel as though I am paralyzed with fear, being control by the objects I surround myself in a false sense or control.

I don't want to ponder about you anymore. You have taken up enough time in wake and in sleep and I just wait and wait and waiting for something that was created in my mind. I need to think strategically. How and what I can do to better myself and do start taking steps and not let it to just live in my mind. I'm always in my head and am comfortable there. I sense things are going to be getting unconformable very soon. Something impending. I feel as though I need to prepare for it before it swallows me whole. I worry I won't prepare enough or make the wrong choice. I know not making a choice is a bad choice but in my head I feel I still have a choice to make the right choice.

What choice will you make now? I know you long to belong but like all the other times, you don't belong. You are not welcomed. You are not included. It's all talk. No one means any of it. You should watch out for yourself and keep the ones on the good side of the ones that can change your direction. I need to plan and rework some of this. Though I am always looking on linkedin. I don't dare to update it because I do feel I can be chopped at any time. I don't want to add it only to be axed. At what point would you feel it's okay to change it?

The red in my hair has faded and I am back to my normal brassy orange. At first was not liking the new darkness and wonder if I had done the right thing. But it faded quicker than I though and when I was starting to grow to like it I am back to my base self.

I think I need to start with clearing my surrounding and mind. Start over with a clear slate.

Endearing

Or maybe not. There has been signs but I feel this one is really the nail in the coffin. If I consider the other perspective, I don't think I would do the same unless I didn't care for it. At times picking I. The small details and other times just ignoring it. I don't think I can be honest with myself even here. It's just not what I think it is and not the same. Infatuation nothing more. Just to use you. When you are still useful. I can still smell it as it lingers. Not sure where else It can be coming from. There was the old  deodorant. Not sure I think I smell it. I think I know why it's familiar because it reminds me of a wet bird. It wasn't a nice smell not particularly bad. Just not nice a reminder. 

Good Riddance

I feel as if I am being purposely left out. Not sure the meaning of this but I'm not feeling like I'm being taken seriously or included. Been hints of it all day today. Disbandoment. They are not friends or anyone that gives a rats. I spent a good chunk of my ode worry about what others will think and say about me and trying to stay within the lines to advoid trouble. To predict something that is not predictable. Like stocks. It seems pretty straight forward it either goes up or down and your odds are pretty good. As much as a part of me wants to disclose and share everything. I don't feel I can with anyone without being passed judgment. Am I myself or who I think everyone wants me to be? Or do I not give a f when it suits me? My natural state is to be left alone. It why? Is it learned or is it nature?

I can think and gabble at this all day and night and still not come to an answer. But I do know that this, all of this is becoming hard for me. The anxiety is building. Trying to guess and predict others and being in my head all the time is getting more difficult for me. Sometimes more often now I just want to get things over with. Just ask and to get an answer and be done. No more pondering. No more games. Only what's in it for me.

Realizing the worse case Sanario and there was hints of it today that if knew and was trying advoid, means no or reduced chance of learning if that happened. I can let it happen or be known. It was like trying to tell me there be others and the thing with the door. Are they all not cues? Gotta be able to take a hint. So cold. But just because you are does it change what I am? Let me think about it.