Desire

Just when I thought I got over you, you creep up again. I thought I was doing so well. Then suddenly attacked by allergies. Is this my punishment? One should not desire something so cold. What is it about you that makes you so intriguing? What is it about you? I imaging it's something like imaginary Mary. I'm sure you are nothing like what I think in my mind. I also throught I didn't have allergies, but here I am dying at work and wanting to get outta there like running out of a fire. At that moment, I didn't really care what you said, it all went to the side line. I'm starting to feel the feeling of hopelessness. If I wasn't getting into big data, and not technical enough, yet not analytical enough, in a field that's shrinking using software that people are divesting. Where am I going? Where is this all leading to? Maybe I should not worry about the destination and focus on doing well at where I am then worry about the next place I will be. I may not make it to that point. Focus on deliberate practice. I need to find a way to get ahead. Can't listen to music when you are listening to instructions. So much to learn out there. Not really sure where to start but gotta start somewhere and I think it helps to save an example of one that does that thing.

I'm looking at the layout and how I revert back to what I am familiar with and comfortable with.  Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Should I change its? What if I don't like it?  Can I go back? I worry about making the bad or wrong choice and being stuck with it. Does it matter how you get there as long as you get there and want to be there? What about that I am not good at it and others are better at it? It's not like they just know how to do things. They went and found out and worked on it. It's not something you may see, but it took practice. It's reminds me of an interview with a swimmer and he was asked if he likes to practice. He said if you are asking if he likes getting up at 5am and getting into an icy pool and staring at a black line at the bottom of the pool for hours at a time and swimming until his lungs feels like exploiting?  Then no, but he enjoys overall what the sport brings. but what is my sport?  Is it to find a new sport? I don't see myself staying with the same thing for too long if it's not ever changing or something new to learn.

Dashed Hopes

Beware of setting your sights too high in matters of the heart today, dear Mel. The pairing of the Fool and the Moon indicates that your hopes are sure to be dashed. You have a tendency to idealize the people you love, but reality will show you that you've invested too much in them or in your relationship. Which is why you're in danger of being disillusioned. Remember, nobody's perfect.  In the professional sphere, you want to do something all on your own, without anyone else interfering or trying to tell you the ropes. You have a pet project that you absolutely believe in, and you want to get it underway. The combination of Death and the Fool signifies that you’ve reached the end of your tether. And therefore it’s difficult for anyone else to work with you. You’ll need to take things easy and calm down somewhat, or take a walk.

The month or so there has been something on my mind. It has been better the past two weeks. For the most part last week was rough. Thursday was when things started to calm down. It was rather frustrating and not being able to get much of anything done. I'm feeling if you are not on the case nothing would really be done. I'm trying not to share too much as I'm just disappointed. They just care about themselves. No one really cares about what you have to say. It's all fun and games and flattery. Is that how I want to be or is it how it has to be? Myself is not what anyone would like nor do even myself like. Who do I want to be if not myself? Who is the self? Am I just trying to be what everyone else thinks I should be? For the above, being disappointed in investing too much time in another. Like I was saying. Things were starting to get ever so slightly better as I focused on the things I needed to work on. And things were as normal as I got use to the flow. I shouldn't take nice as anything besides nice. Try not to get too personal, not asking anything besides what normal people would ask. When I am starting to recover, there is a hint of nice. That's all it is. Please don't be nice to me, please don't tell me anything else. I don't want to know. My goal is to no longer need you. I don't know how yet, but I will find a way.

I'm reminded of the foot in mouth during Lifetime. I let me guard down and got too comfortable and forgot was talking to a guy. Guard always has to be up. Don't let them in, don't let anyone know, they only know what you want them to know, what you tell them, to paint a picture of what you want them to see you as.

Worries

"The thing to remember is that you should be one hundred percent yourself. People will react to you the way they need to. Don't worry about their feelings - they are not your responsibility."

It has been a week since the feels has gone away. It just suddenly was gone over time. There was some pain, but it was very temporary. I feel as if I lost much feeling. Many of the songs I once adored I do not care for anymore. Sia, Gaga even, but I still have a spot for Mercy. I even found myself clearing some of my song list of anything that doesn't move me any longer. On Friday, it really settled in place. It was the smell, the idea of still reading news papers, really started to sink in.

 I have new worries now, worries that I am not picking up things fast enough or figuring things out fast enough, getting hung up on things, asking for help, not getting enough done, not knowing what to do, discovering who you really are and not liking it. Who to be, what to be. I feel as though I am being too concerned how others are feeling, like I'm bothering them. Who am I? What am I?

I have been dwelling and dreading the marketing essay, but it's done now. It wasn't as bad as I imagined and them I imagined it wouldn't be that bad. Although I think I could of had a little more fun. Who knows, maybe the grade will be bad. I'm not hoping for too much at this point. But I think I spent a little too much time on the simulation. But I didn't want to give up on it. I thought I had done enough but it kept pulling me back to do better. I feel as though I spent too much time on it. But I did end up getting the better score I wanted a 69. I was hopping for a 70 but close enough. I did feel I was getting a better feel for it so I kept trying. If only the same thing applied to other aspects.

As I sit there at 1:30am. I know a part of me is tired. I wondered where I would ever find the energy for anything. I wasn't really tired on the paper, but was task driven. The idea of the stubborn tasks for tomorrow  upsets me when there is no progress. Not being able to check the items off the list. Hopefully tomorrow will not be as bad as I imagine. Get support of you have to.

"The thing to remember is that you should be one hundred percent yourself. People will react to you the way they need to. Don't worry about their feelings - they are not your responsibility."

Mercy

Ratty

Have mercy on my soul - Over time the shows you once loved are coming to an end like Vampire Diaries. Think I'm feeling a wee bit down today because it seems like many things many things are ending. It has been a week. IT could be the timing of it all and the combination of the distance. Before I wasn't sure how I was going to get over it as it was all consuming. Now I feel as though I have made some peace with it. It will come and go just like the ones in the past. This one maybe a wee bit different due to the interaction, but I must not forget this feeling of emptiness. I must fill the void myself. Try something new, have something else to look forward to. Plan and put aside time for yourself. Not even the songs I once loved seems to ease the pain anymore. The only one that still works Shawn Mendes. The only one at the moment that feels my pain. No more fluttering. Just the pain I put myself through. I need to be set free of this all consuming. Please set me free. Please have mercy on my heart as you are tearing me apart. I can't go through it again. Don't fail me now. I have played out all the nonsence in my head and it's no longer my muse. It just leaves me empty. Nothing wrong to have something to look forward to or a muse, but not when it's all consuming. It's like a drug. Couldn't get anything done, it was holding me back. But no longer you turd. 

Should I be investing in some better sound? This works for now. I'm a troubled soul. As I'm preparing the article for tomorrow, I got the feeling that I have been here before. Again like I read all this before and gone through this before. I don't want to say I have given up, but it just doesn't seem as critical anymore at this point. I feel as though I just want to get it done. Not sure what silky chick want tomorrow, but I better prepare for it after the first meet. May ask what I changed. Just have copies of it all.

Krsnik

It has been a long time, an old friend. Accidentally edited the last post and lost the original date. Been more than 2 years and here I am again. So much has changed and yet the same. I'm not sure what brought me back here today. Not sure I ran back into Trinity Blood and next thing you know is here I am. Am I losing focus or losing myself?  I'm not even sure what I am anymore. I have been in my head a lot and I'm not sure how to separate what is real or what is my mind or if it's something I want to make real. So many thoughts running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel.

Maybe I have been working on this for so long that it's getting to become so routine. Wondering who is going to leave next. So lets cut to the chase, what really brought me here. As in the last few weeks I think about what has happened before. The only difference is this one feeds on to the obsession due to the interaction. It confuses me, but yet I know there is nothing. It's kind of my MO. I'm not even sure if that's how you spell or say that one. Too much tv, too much screen time. I try to drown it out with music, but I don't think it's helping, it's clouding my mind. I don't know if I have it in me to do it for myself or others even. How far will I go and what am I will to do to look a certain way? Kinda sliced open fingie in an attempt to clear out what bothers me. There's a chance it could have made it worse, but it's a change I will take. I try to refocus my attention to another, but it's only temporary. So lets try myself again. I did it once where it was all about me when I hit rock bottom. Lets not try for another bottom.
 ------ to be cont....-----
Well it just reminded me maybe why I gravitate to. I suppose it's strictly professional. Can you be upset over something you choose?

AHHHH

The Lovers, in defiance of their name, work with the Fool to mark this out as a day of confusion on the emotional front. Far from taking the bull by the horns, mel, you’d rather run away at the speed of light, than face a discussion or confrontation. It’s not the day to resolve a dilemma or make a constructive decision. But don’t let others make the choices for you – you might live to regret it… At work, you’re torn between conflicting influences. On the one hand, the World opens doors, fills you with ambition and puts you in a position to rise to challenges. But on the other, the Lovers make you hesitant. They fill you with doubts about yourself, about the future, and about your ability to do what’s required of you. Don’t let them discourage you!

Shiet People

1. Get rid of shit people. Don’t ever try and make people like you and if a friend makes you feel like crap, they are not your friend. It took me till I was thirty to let go of the last one of these. Fuck them right off.
2. Don’t spend any time doing a job you hate. You will be surprised about how resourceful you can be when you put your mind to it. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking its completely normal to be vaguely dissatisfied with our life because everyone else is. Please aim to break that mould.
3. The solution is often Red Wine, Bread and Cheese. Yes, they all deserve capital letters.
4. Our economy is built to make you buy shit you don’t need with money you don’t have. Ignore it. You don’t need any new clothes and you don’t need any new shit. Spent it on experiences, whether that’s socialising with friends or saving for a trip away. Use your money wisely.
5. Drinking a lot of water does make you feel better and it’s free.
6. If you need help, ask. Worst reply is no and you will be exactly where you already anyway.
7. Don’t be in a relationship for company. Don’t be with somebody if you don’t love him or her. Don’t stay with someone because they are a ‘nice person’, Don’t settle. It shows lack of faith in yourself and what you deserve. Trust me, you deserve the best. Your soul mate deserves to meet you. Allow that opportunity to happen.
8. Don’t neglect real friendship. I am totally and utterly head over heels in love with all my friends. Remind them how great they are, don’t forget to check in and spend as much time with them as you can.
9. Travel, travel, travel. Not all those that wander are lost.
10. Make sure, everyday you take action towards your dreams, however big or small. Don’t Stop. Keep Going. Be Strong.

Thank you x

 ‘Even death should not be feared by one who has lived wisely’ Buddha