What Do You Want From Me

It's a statement, not a question.

Daily Planetary Overview
Sudden changes will be disruptive today with the Moon square Mars, but there can be a positive outcome. Your emotions will be unpredictable under this influence, and you may not be able to trust them. You'll be fiercely independent and self-sufficient.

Your Horoscope - Today, Jan. 9, 2010

You may sense a bit of conflict in your world today, especially when it comes to your emotions, Melly. Keep in mind that your perception of the situation is apt to make or break the result of any sort of dispute. Look for opportunities in the spaces where you might disagree with others. You can gain a wonderful perspective today when you open up your channels to things that are completely new to you.

I can tell this is really affecting my emotions. But I know I need to keep them under control. I can not let them get the best of me. I am in for some rough times. I know I can not change this over night or learn how to deal with this. I sometimes feel if I had a job, things be different. and yet could take me away. Or maybe I am coming up with excuses.

(I knew it, on for 2 second and then off. Am I being played? I much rather be the player)

So try not to think to much of it, I don't want to keep reliving it over and over again. I know have this impatient beast within me that either needs to be tied up, tamed, or cages up. Really forgot the mistress complex. Why are they so tempting? Think I rather be the mistress than the wife, at least the mistress knows the real situation of what is going on unlike the blind wife. But what are the chances he'd leave the wife?

Maybe email is the way to go. No more waiting. It's at everyone's convenience.

Connections

Starting to feel too much this way more often than not. But like most everything, can't control much if anything. I keep on feeling something is wrong. Like most things, it just doesn't make sense.

Building Walls

Building Hearts, Not Walls

Never getting agreements
Using disappointment or not getting your own way to use it to train yourself to not always HAVE to get your own way
You can't control this world
Put forth kindness
Frustration and Anger
Flushing Forgiveness, Peace, Kindness, Wisdom
Compassion and Ability to Let Go
The Intention, Kindness, and Sharing in the container (my god, now I feel bad)
Doing the best you can and have given
Don't judge results, it's the path
In meditation, are giving and expecting nothing in return
To forgive and expect change, then your missing the point. Do it for the inspiration of forgiving to raise you to a higher level, outcomes demeans forgiveness
Perfect the process of peace and kindness, and wisdom
Illusion of control
Controlling, Frustration, Anger, Depression

Catching Up

Caught up with a bunch of people today. Well I haven't been feeling well and nor would I say 2 people as a bunch. But for the most part, the ones that more or less mattered. While one is having a tough time and still trying to get his act together. Though I do see some slight improvment, but tough nether less. The other while from previous convers seems to be doing well, times and relations have been strained. Who knew when things were specially seemingly going well.

Stomach is not feeling well. It could be the soupage or just my diet. Can't say I am doing well. I am letting things bother me and interfear with my own musings. I feel I have done some things today, but felt distracted. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better. And as each day goes by, hopefully it will be better and heal.

Daily Planetary Overview
The Sun quincunx Mars today may disrupt many of your plans. You may have to stop what you're doing to manage someone's anger or defend yourself. You may feel motivated to get a project completed, but won't have the resources to proceed.

Your Horoscope - Today, Jan. 7, 2010

Today you might intuitively pick up some rather strange and unsettling thoughts and feelings from a brother, sister, or neighbor, Melly. However, this person isn't likely to want to talk about what's bothering them, even if you express concern. Sometimes people have to work these things out for themselves, so just make it clear that you're available if they want to talk about it. Then let it go. Right now that's all you can do.

~Troubled~
As talking to people, we discover we all have troubles. Today I know earlier said something mean and said something meaner. I don't know why everyone picking on. What do so wrong you have to do that? It seems so unfair...

Peace of Mind

~Let it Burn~
Of all the things I remember, this is something I recall. maybe because I did actually try. I am not sure why I cause myself so much heartache. Should I just let the past be the past? But I fear that some how the past likes to come back and chomp down on yo arse. But after the burning pain of last night. I am actually really tired of thinking of it. If this is anything like past experiences, I will just get tired of it and grow numb. All I know if that all I can do is try my best on my end. I know I want to try to control the other end as well. But it seems like something no one can do. One will have to be responsible for ones own choices.

I fell they are right in the way that because of this attachment, weather it's a spouse of child, you feel the need to pry. I need to try to focus on myself. Take care of one self before anything else. I do still worry about things popping up unexpected. I have not yet figured out how to deal with it yet. Hopefully the answer will come to me soon...

So no mp3 player, but at least I found some songs.

I am rather tired now, yet so many things to be done. Tomorrow I should have more time and be warmer. Where is that dran mp3 player? My soul needs a feeding.

• Cleanse Phish
• MNPP Renew
• Look UP GRE - have print

Funny how there's a song for everything eh? Goodnight self

Crawling

I had some thoughts, but it seems more and more now days it seems for nothing. It's a new year and I can't say it has been bad. But for the past weeks, it has really given me something to think about. This is really like chewing one of them never ending gums. Just chew and chew. I learn I can't assume things. I can't generalize. I should try to ask more questions and be more clear. I know by reacting the way I do, it closes opportunities to learn more. My reaction will prevent further investigation.

~Care~
To care for someone, I do not know if that is something I can do well. Been worrying about many things of late. I need to keep warm first off.

And suddenly I thought of something to do with the little plastic containers.

Just try to care. I think that's all you can do. Is just care and love for the sake of loving. I think I have put certain things on a pillar and do not know how to get it down. What to do? But it sometimes gets to the point where I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to wait.

~At Your Convince~
I still can not seem to be able to find the answers. I wish I knew. You will know what you need to know. There's no way to know everything. Even for me, there are things I am hesitant to talk about. Things I rather not talk about. At the end does it really matter? Nope, not like you can do dittly squat about it.

~Ends~
After these few weeks and the weekend. It's hard to say how I feel. It really has been a splurge of emotions and happiness and sadness. Sitting down here has been nice in the basement. It's cold yet calming. It makes me sit up right. Keeps the blood flowing. Think it better not to take things so personally. Better to work on inner peace and compassion. I don't want to hate or want anymore. Try to keep thing simple.

~Player~
But where in the world is the freaking mp3 player???! I have almost turned the bedroom inside out. But I have a feeling that I put it somewhere on purpose. Hopefully it will crawl out on its own eventually.

And yet I can't help but have this feeling that I was played. I am not sure how to get over it yet. Been pretty traumatic this weekend among other things. Doesn't seem to bother to know or to ask. So should I bother to say? I am a fairly open person. It doesn't matter, I shall be as I am.

Stop callin, stop callin,
I dont wanna think anymore!
Stop callin, stop callin,

I dont wanna talk anymore!