Pointless

I want to keep this one simple and sweet. I guess there's not point in getting on if there's nothing going on. Maybe I am too avalible and I should just start to cut it off. Set myself free for a bit. Remember how it was like to be free for awhile. Try to be understanding, try to be well meaning. I rather cut all ties than deal with distance. This really isn't working for me. I need to do what's best for me and myself.

Puddles

It has been fun having a pup around. Today wasn't so bad as long as I am not left alone. I think I should take her out for a bit. Though whatever concerns I have, nothing can be done. Who is she???.. A ponderance... Cute though I give you that. I know I should eat, but yet I can't bring myself to really. Tired, today has been interesting Father's Day. Pizza and cake. Didn't really go according to plan, but not abd either. Steph came over to visit pup and talked about some issues. Interesting thoughts. Go figure. Is it truely over thinking things and worrying and causing your own torture? Mom asked about that word the othere day as it appeared on a magazine rack. Today I decided to but what I needed as I figure I don't want to wait nor to depend on another besides one self to get things done and taking care of in many aspects I find today.

I think I will be okay. This morning I was feeling better after some streams. The pain seems to subside a bit and some distraction does help as well. But at the moment I'm not taking it very well. It seems to eat away at me a bit. I can only hope it gets better very soon so help me God. May anyone watching over me give me the strength to get through and over come this and all odsticals in my way. May I be able to free myself from my own prison.

Disapointment

Somehow I manage to disapoint myself. As usual setting myself up for disapointment. Does it ever get tiresome? To rid myself of attachment and all expectations. But what to do when you miss? Is to try not to forget the faults and downfalls of it all. To accept as time passes by. Had a strange dream where I was out of breath and couldn't breath. Don't think it was me, but I could feel and see all was happening. Someone was drowning and someone came to give them a breath of air. I could feel myself taking in the breath and wanting more air like it wasn't enough. It was a scary feeling of dying.

Expectations

Being realistic. Desire, craving, and romance makes perfection where it's just not. Creats suffering when you are disapointed. Desire and ill will prevent us from seeing truth. Abandon desire to not see what we want to see. Abandon ill will to be able to accept truth. Anger and ill will pervert your perception. Get rid of fear and ill will to understand. Accept reality. Pain and difficult when you don't accept reality, it shocks you sometimes. Don't find the meaning, don't see the truth, it's more painful.

But I wonder, with no desires, no wanting, doesn't life seem so meaningless?

I predicted what would happen today. I made it happen, I could anticapate it. I create my own reality. I did get much done.

• Tossed out bunch oh cloths
• Returned a big chunck of junk
• Put away some cloths
• I don't want to break the card like last time so I shall leave it alone for now.
• Did rebate and sent books
• Bought lunch and dinner
• Cleaned phish

Not too bad for one day. The one that can smile when everything goes worng. Get some rest self. Goodnight.

Skinny

And I thought I was skinny. It's wierd to see a guy has you beat.

Love: The Empress
Touchstone: Death
Career: The High Priestess

-->In affairs of the heart, you'll feel the need to break with a certain aspect of your past today, melly. Death is urging you to rid yourself of certain restraints that are being imposed upon you by a partner or friend, or to lower your ambitions concerning an established relationship. Luckily, the Empress is smiling on you and encouraging you to act with intelligence and kindness and avoid breaking things off too suddenly or brutally. At work, there's nothing much happening right now. Death is inviting reflection rather than action, and this may lead you to give up some material comfort in your search for the truth. Make the most of the situation to reassess your goals and ambitions - it can't do you any harm.

Even scope is telling me to leave it alone.

Grass Eater

Read this strange artical how japanese men are becoming grass eating men. It's more like a not so agressive geeky introvert type of gey. It might not such a bad thing.

I am getting to the point now where I miss terribly. It's made worse by some expectations I have. I think it's lack of controll to do anything about it. I mean like if it were to happen, it happens and there's jack shiet I can do... Worse fears or them coming true, I don't know which one is worse. Need to find a way to find my own need and not to depend on others to fill it. I need to do better. Why am I so weak? Has made me weak... I am really sad about that... So disapointed...

Funny how just being online makes me feel a wee bit better. Way too dependant... But the peace is short lived. Douts start creeping in and it's over before it starts. (maybe it's else on, or just left, it's all on purpose) Well can't say I didn't try. As long as I have done my part, it is enough. Lets find something else to do then and not wait for him. Oh great, maybe it is true, pop on and off and nothing and gone. Reminds me of someone... even worse. Enough is enough.

Feelings

What to do when everything looks wrong and feels wrong? Yesterday was a bit agitated for no reason really and was even more agitated even more so this morning. Oh the bother. Looks like I wasn't trusting myself and just accepting when you know better.

Your Horoscope - Today, June 16, 2009
Follow your instincts before anything else, melly. Even if you have a tendency to listen more to your sense of reason and thought, put them aside. While your ears can hear words, your instincts and intuition can hear what's between the lines and provide you with a much bigger picture than what's being presented. Even if everything sounds right but feels wrong, you'd do better to trust your feelings. Act with careful consideration and caution.

~It's just not right~
I guess I should have read this before the exam. But it's hard to say. Points are really small in this class. Very heavly weighted. Well all is already said and done. So all is left to do is more reason to do better on the others.

~Ownage~
You belong to me = ownage, it's a fun turn but not really into owning. But to think of other more than yourself we tend to like to forget about one self. To get away from it all to get more done. It's Tue already, hope it's helping with the complection. I think it is. Sure not as painful.

~Shipping~
I think last night I was irritated about spending so much on sending a silly bookage, but it's just money. My bad for not making things clear. (Oh dear neighbor dun leave ur purse laying around)

Waitings~
Somehow I don't want to wait, but yet I do. Is it better to wait? I know it doesn't happen on the other end. Am I just putting myself through this just to feel pain to know I am still alive?

Change~

A change of pace

change of color

change of mind

change of mood

change of heart.

Maybe it's about time I do something different or go back to what worked. Somehow I strayed from it. Go back to how things were. Go back home. Go in peace and loving kindness. Maybe it's time for another round of pancakes or what they call it hotcakes? You can tell from my postings it has really been a mess of late. Even looking at this makes me happying in a quite way. It really helps in organizing and with a single look, I can see what's going on.

Moving~

I need to keep moving. I shall start applying for jobs once again very soon today. But first should update the resume. I leave notes out of Email now since there's always the worry now of one knowing too much. But what is there left to eat? How upsetting some things can be. Is it better to now to know. Well if you think of it the other way around. Is it any more or less upsetting knowing? I know I like to upset myself. But it's a Tue, nothing exciting on tv anyways. But I should eat. That's the major issue of when I get to eat. Or to find another way around it. Just the thought of the potential result of the last exam has me on the fringe again... Hopefully it be better soon. But I did love how organized it was. One of the few times I can say I loved it unlike some other things. But what to eat!