Expectations

Being realistic. Desire, craving, and romance makes perfection where it's just not. Creats suffering when you are disapointed. Desire and ill will prevent us from seeing truth. Abandon desire to not see what we want to see. Abandon ill will to be able to accept truth. Anger and ill will pervert your perception. Get rid of fear and ill will to understand. Accept reality. Pain and difficult when you don't accept reality, it shocks you sometimes. Don't find the meaning, don't see the truth, it's more painful.

But I wonder, with no desires, no wanting, doesn't life seem so meaningless?

I predicted what would happen today. I made it happen, I could anticapate it. I create my own reality. I did get much done.

• Tossed out bunch oh cloths
• Returned a big chunck of junk
• Put away some cloths
• I don't want to break the card like last time so I shall leave it alone for now.
• Did rebate and sent books
• Bought lunch and dinner
• Cleaned phish

Not too bad for one day. The one that can smile when everything goes worng. Get some rest self. Goodnight.

Skinny

And I thought I was skinny. It's wierd to see a guy has you beat.

Love: The Empress
Touchstone: Death
Career: The High Priestess

-->In affairs of the heart, you'll feel the need to break with a certain aspect of your past today, melly. Death is urging you to rid yourself of certain restraints that are being imposed upon you by a partner or friend, or to lower your ambitions concerning an established relationship. Luckily, the Empress is smiling on you and encouraging you to act with intelligence and kindness and avoid breaking things off too suddenly or brutally. At work, there's nothing much happening right now. Death is inviting reflection rather than action, and this may lead you to give up some material comfort in your search for the truth. Make the most of the situation to reassess your goals and ambitions - it can't do you any harm.

Even scope is telling me to leave it alone.

Grass Eater

Read this strange artical how japanese men are becoming grass eating men. It's more like a not so agressive geeky introvert type of gey. It might not such a bad thing.

I am getting to the point now where I miss terribly. It's made worse by some expectations I have. I think it's lack of controll to do anything about it. I mean like if it were to happen, it happens and there's jack shiet I can do... Worse fears or them coming true, I don't know which one is worse. Need to find a way to find my own need and not to depend on others to fill it. I need to do better. Why am I so weak? Has made me weak... I am really sad about that... So disapointed...

Funny how just being online makes me feel a wee bit better. Way too dependant... But the peace is short lived. Douts start creeping in and it's over before it starts. (maybe it's else on, or just left, it's all on purpose) Well can't say I didn't try. As long as I have done my part, it is enough. Lets find something else to do then and not wait for him. Oh great, maybe it is true, pop on and off and nothing and gone. Reminds me of someone... even worse. Enough is enough.

Feelings

What to do when everything looks wrong and feels wrong? Yesterday was a bit agitated for no reason really and was even more agitated even more so this morning. Oh the bother. Looks like I wasn't trusting myself and just accepting when you know better.

Your Horoscope - Today, June 16, 2009
Follow your instincts before anything else, melly. Even if you have a tendency to listen more to your sense of reason and thought, put them aside. While your ears can hear words, your instincts and intuition can hear what's between the lines and provide you with a much bigger picture than what's being presented. Even if everything sounds right but feels wrong, you'd do better to trust your feelings. Act with careful consideration and caution.

~It's just not right~
I guess I should have read this before the exam. But it's hard to say. Points are really small in this class. Very heavly weighted. Well all is already said and done. So all is left to do is more reason to do better on the others.

~Ownage~
You belong to me = ownage, it's a fun turn but not really into owning. But to think of other more than yourself we tend to like to forget about one self. To get away from it all to get more done. It's Tue already, hope it's helping with the complection. I think it is. Sure not as painful.

~Shipping~
I think last night I was irritated about spending so much on sending a silly bookage, but it's just money. My bad for not making things clear. (Oh dear neighbor dun leave ur purse laying around)

Waitings~
Somehow I don't want to wait, but yet I do. Is it better to wait? I know it doesn't happen on the other end. Am I just putting myself through this just to feel pain to know I am still alive?

Change~

A change of pace

change of color

change of mind

change of mood

change of heart.

Maybe it's about time I do something different or go back to what worked. Somehow I strayed from it. Go back to how things were. Go back home. Go in peace and loving kindness. Maybe it's time for another round of pancakes or what they call it hotcakes? You can tell from my postings it has really been a mess of late. Even looking at this makes me happying in a quite way. It really helps in organizing and with a single look, I can see what's going on.

Moving~

I need to keep moving. I shall start applying for jobs once again very soon today. But first should update the resume. I leave notes out of Email now since there's always the worry now of one knowing too much. But what is there left to eat? How upsetting some things can be. Is it better to now to know. Well if you think of it the other way around. Is it any more or less upsetting knowing? I know I like to upset myself. But it's a Tue, nothing exciting on tv anyways. But I should eat. That's the major issue of when I get to eat. Or to find another way around it. Just the thought of the potential result of the last exam has me on the fringe again... Hopefully it be better soon. But I did love how organized it was. One of the few times I can say I loved it unlike some other things. But what to eat!

Sadist

Hell of the stingy people. More shiet to put under your mango tree. but where is my mango tree? Just keep working, keep doing. More doing and less thinking my dear. You can do and think at the same time. Fear and Control -> Worry. I just want to feel like I am getting something done. Just keep moving.. No controll = no fear? Acting out of fear? I may think about that too often.



Put up more books to sell. At least I feel like I have done something. But I am still wondering where my little soft purse went. Oh where did it go?

• For some reason yesterday night. Mentions of fat really got to me. I have noticed some weight, but I think it's more because of my eating habbits more than anything and lack of indifferent.

• It was nice talking, and yet painful. As many thoughts go through my head. Reminds of something from the past. Told you not to put yourself through this. Not to put yourself anything that causes you pain. No waiting. No one is worth it. You got something to do then do it. But not for that reason. You keep moving. Always moving.

Letting Go of Fear

Later never seems to come does it? Fear stops us from many things. I been feeling fear since the past 2 days. Finally feel better over the pooch after going #2. Else, sure sleeps quite often. To set yourself free.

Confusion

So has flown away. I figure I would miss more but it's not so bad at all. I figure no sence in worrying, or missing something you can't do a thing about except cause yourself more pain. Try not to make things hard on yourself. It's amazing how timly things can be. I worry about pooch here since all the hural and for most of the day been sleeping. Will take her out for a nice long walk later. I seem a little frustraited on the problems. And it doesn't help to have a smelly pooch around. It's the main reason I forget about why not even I can have one. But this is a good reminder.