Stuck

starting to feel overwhelmed with all of it. Not enough time and running out of time. So tired today. A few moment of dejavu in the morning running things. Don't think stayed up too late. Sure worried about something's but worry or not, time still passes at the same pace so why worry? It's happening reguaesless. That's the only thing can think of that's different. Thinkn got 7hrs of sleep. Not sure if less from the blabbering in the morning. Really gotta close that door in case. It will be over soon enough.

F that. Maybe that's how it is when you don't make buddy buddy with em? I mean even misuse is like all chummy with formers even let alone current. What am I not doing or doing wrong! Not helpful enough? Not fun enough? Not sure. So today there was a butt load of leftovers. It's not the best tasting because if it was it would have been gone already but it's mainly still there. Did miss out? But if would have left sooner or even when was leaving maybe. It wouldn't leave. It's like a sign to not grab anything even if wanted to. Not that it was that tasty but hey it's free. Hate to let it go to waste. Oh well. If it was better tasting, think would have found a way to grab it. 

Final Days

Recall the first week of the month and thinking be at the end in no time. And here we are. Been slightly sluggish and down over moments if missed or what could have been. But not to dwell on those things. Can only see what can go from here. What is the next thing. Next place to be. Worry it's not where should be or can be. As long you going somewhere. See where land in a week.

Tried eating in the morning. Not sure if it helps or hurts. Feel like once start eating feeling more hungry. Like once it's started you want more. Still trying to purge. Working on ridding items that don't bring joy or desire. Don't settle for mediocrity. Purged some bathroom items. Sure there is more work under the sink but wanted to focus on able for now. Start putting more of it on during the evening. It all runs out eventually. Making it last longer only delays the invetable end of it. Why hold on to it? What is it that you hold on it? Is the end so bad? He first feeling can recall are ending of movies. Didn't like that they are so short. Just want a good story to go one and on. Think that's why tv series perfered? More if it to chew on and more story lines. If it doesn't end, how to move on to discover new stories? Things ending and running out is not a bad thing. It all ends. What not end it well? It's something one can not advoid. What is to come of all the stuff when you are gone. Might as well deal with it yourself and control it and live more free.

Make them disappear!

The Purge

The freedom to toss things. Quite liberating. Gawd gotta be in early tomorrow. Oh well guess should go of it was sent to you else would not be sent to ya. Still even after a year like the roster saids, I'm not sure what is it that you do. I'm not sure myself after all this time. So what now? Things don't taste better the longer it sits. As much I want to try new things, am hessatent as there so much old things. Don't worry about others things when you got your own things to purge. Nothing is meant to last. Really nothing. It all ends sooner or later. Just make things disappear. Why spens time thinking and stressing over  what to do with it? Like the cream cheese, enjoying any of it? I think not at all. Was able to get rid of something me things due to it but it could have gone a long time ago. Not sure how long the quote will last but need to really use the time to read what you can. Doesn't have to be a lot but just enough to have done something. Screen is really odd, gets darker and lighter on its own.

Again the last 2 days was a little rough. Not sure if need more or less focus. Maybe focused on the wrong thing. Either way, got what wanted out of tf and that's all for now. Back to focusing on reading and training for rotc? Not sure what it stands for but you get the idea. Pain is on the way. Else been more agitated with self. Like a pineapple to buy but no one eating any of the fruit. So what now? Really time to scale back on the purchases and use up and toss what is there. Try, use to see if it's still any good else yay toss it. Reguaesless if the creams are still good or not, if the small is bad then it has to go. Quite simple. No one will miss it. 

Reputation

Does the count start over today? Sure know how to ruin me. Was doing well up through last week and was ok for most of this week and then little things like repeating things that has already been said again. Either someone has a worse memory than me or it's something that's told to everyone and losing track who already know so just bring it up again. More common knowledge than expected or just don't have a filter. Didn't even ask for it and still me other things came out. There's always a chance to get out as long as you don't pick up back up. But pretty much got all that I wanted answered. Almost like leading the convo to the info you want to find out. There's a goal to all convo. Gotta get what you want out of it.

Head has been hurting. Not sure why. Dehydrated? Drank a bit of water and didn't seem to help. Really didn't drink much today at all. Gotta make an effort to get more fluids in like a tea a day. Can not be deterred by anyone may run into.

Can we still be friends, can we be friends even if it ends. Justin Biebers new song. And over played Shawn Mendez and Charlie Puth, not sure which is worse. Running low on cashe, may have to dig out ladybug. See what else can be tossed in the morning. 

Obsessed Salvation

There maybe some bumps in the road or not a clear path, just re-adjust along the way. Who knows where it may lead, hopefully to a better or pleasant place yet one never knows. Still feeling torn about eaten my what and where. There seems to be so much clutter. Hard to let things go when don't have a plan for them. Either let them go or have a plan to commit to using them up. Consistency to use them up. The alternative is to toss anyways. Using them is not wasting them. Don't wait until you need it. Use it for the sake of using and committing to using it up. The reason you hit the book hard now really is because this is the only time before the days are eaten up by homework and 4 hours of class. There will be little time to work on anything else. The heavy lifting needs to be done by the end of the month. Have less than a week left at this point. Hopefully the slowness will last during the day to to finish this. Gawd. 

Charmingly Disheveled

That's a oldie but a goodie. Not sure where else heard it from.

Frustration

Halfway is not the time to quit following your heart when it leads you through hell. Hold fast and follow through.The mind wanders what could be when it really can not be and is impatient and anxious and wanting things to be done like right now. Need to step back and see things for what they are vs longing for something that can never be. Focus back on yourself and being attractive. If there was to be any unrequited, it will be coming from me not the other way around. To be the desired one and not do any chasing. To be desirable.

So many things to clear out and to decluttered. Somehow ran into a clip of this on reddit. Rather catchy. It doesn't help my obsession for the East. The frek, why the volume has to be turned up so freking laud. Think I gotta go do things on my own vs waiting for someone to suggest it. To not be so anal about things and to just do a few things because you set your mind to have it happen.

Peanut butter

didn't realize people like peanut butter that much that it's always running out or people really like free peanut butter. There's a reason dogs like it too. Been feels no lost a bit maybe due to not feeling like belonging or being very useful. Like hussy saids you got to have something else going for ya outside of you job because you can lose it and will lose who you are without it. It makes you more interesting anyways. Just ask questions because you want to know. Don't worry what others will think or perceive. Feel better after walk. Been like a month since the last one. Wasn't sure if there were any. Looking around at positions this week gains sense of excitement and discouragement. How can belong to it? Is it really what you really want or think you want. Not sure yet and nothing is in stone anyways. Go do what you feel like for now.  Won't know if you like it or not until you try it. 

Darius

There wasn't really anything about the character but has a neat name. Salvation is my new muse. How long this one will last before it gets canceled. So much eye candy. But not so much that it's distracting. What would I do if it were possible? 

Ingratiate

Amount of pain am I willing to endure? Oh gawd again it didn't save! Freaking hell. Was listening to another podcast on thinking if something was possible, what would you have to do to get there. Also on skill stacking. Though may appear to be unrelated, unconscious mind has a was of connecting it all. States it's hard to be at the top of any particular skill but being 70th is  achievable. Being the best combination skilled is more different. Reminded me of some side hustles. Oh and how the unfocused mind was better because it was not stiff and was more agile and adapt to changes. Not that focus is bad, but too much of it makes you not flexible and hard to adjust to changes. To relax and see where the unconscious mind takes you.

-------

So after fixing the previous days, reminded of Semi Charmed Life by Third eye blind since it appears they are still playing. I spend much time still thinking how I got nothing done by not doing anything. Think it's best at the moment to focus on what I'm paid to do and then the rest of it working on reading starting at 5 even if I have to leave and hike over to the library. Returning late should not be an issue since it wasn't before like when there was class, no different now.
---

Just had the worse donut ever because it was under backed and the dough around the apple filling was raw. Eww...  

Sourcing

Been really trying no to focus on developing myself and less on the random things that pop up and then start to worry about how to figure it out. So far the things that have developed has resolved itself in one way or another without any lifting on my part. As start to really dig into the book it starts out as not so bad and then looking at other material it becomes overwhelming. Don't worry what you think others maybe thinking. It's more you thinking more than anything. Where you will go or will be. For all we know we maybe all out sourced in the next month and won't be needing my any of this no more. Thought they were to decide on September or was it October. Not much to do until they decide the path of where we maybe. Focus on developing yourself piece by piece. 

Side hustle

Been thinking about my use of time and then pops the podcast on a second career where you don't have to choose one and to be only good at one. There are some skills and aspect of it that's transferable. What the choose to spend your time on. Spend lots of time thinking about it but not enough time doing anything about it. 

Arsenie

Didn't know could be so adorable. I'll take that. Feeling like hair too heavy on the top now. It'll grow out. That's what happens when try to thin it out not like t isn't thin enough. Been kinda cold and rainy this week and last even. The change in seasons and as year end approaches again.

Been one year here in this pond. Still not feeling any more useful than the first day here. More reason to gear up to move on to something else if wallowing in a shrinking pond. Rather not wait. Sometimes jump the gun but the anxieties that come with waiting is slightly killing me. What else to go through a purge. Gotta be mobile. Use more space as needed.

Not sure to respond. Timing of response. How quickly or slow to react. Don't want to be too excited nor show too little interest. Be dependable yet not be too dependable to be taken for granted. The constant balancing act and game playing.

Find out what's wrong car and purge a food item. Feed crabie. 

Neuroticism

August 9, 2017

This isn't the moment to adhere to one particular philosophy, whatever it may be, mel. You may feel frustrated by your inability to figure out which path to take, but ultimately this is very good for you. Continue to search around with your little flashlight, as weak as it may seem to you, because this is how you are going to get solid faith back again! Best of all, it will be a faith tailored just for you!

Sure hope so. When to admit defeat. Wanting to take the easier road and not the one less traveled. As was looking around for what's out there and what they looking for, makes doubt accounting. Seems so far from the path of IT management. Maybe it's more of a boys club and for developers. Not sure still looking. See what can be found with little flash light. For now work on what will maximize value at the moment and from what can be seen from here. Who knows where this leads or how long be on this path. Maybe compliance will pop back up eventually.

Moments of flutter but fades quickly as the realization of the poor unfortunate souls. It seems all too silly to the point that's it's laughable and dramatic.

Arrival was saying neurotic people lived longer becuae the worry something maybe wrong with them and so they see the doctor sooner and more often. Not really the exciting news was hopping for but something else recently realized how unexpected people are really brains like comedians are unexpected or they ore like don't fit the traditional sense of geniuses. Expect them to act and choose professions that would match their mental capacity. To dress and look and act a certain way. Maybe it's just what mogles thinks it should look like. 

Encrepe

Still can't seem to bring myself to do it though it has not been that bad but just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Was worried about the old Sammie in the fridge but it appears that someone has taken care of itt. See how some things will take care of themselves. So much to do just got to start looking and doto g little by little. Hopefully it'll get to a point where it isn't a big deal. Goodness all these high caliber folks. All gotta start somewhere. So many distractions. 

Napoleon

Not sure which day this is at this point, maybe about 2 weeks. Was doing fairly well until this weekend when there was a few moments, but at the same time the realization that there isn't really anything there. Like the podcast said, you would know, it be clear. It's all very surface level and hoping for something better to fill the void. Maybe more trying to avoid the conversation knowing where it would lead. At what point do you accept things as they are and what point you have to try and work on things vs leaving things alone. hmm... It would likely vary from situation from situation. Can't make a blanket statement or assumption.


Gotta go gotta go gotta go right now. Didn't even drink anything today. Doesn't seem to have the time or space for things. Even getting away doesn't seem to help. Tend to end up doing research and getting excited and then over my head and feeling how far are from anything meaningful. Suppose if was working at something else would not have this time on your own. Don't feel like or have the energy to go through a long lengthy paragraph of how and what.

Snakes and fire rings and pits

August 2, 2017

You'll be able to keep that flood of emotion under control today. The Emperor is giving you the determination to turn your personal plans into reality and lay down lasting foundations for your relationships, whereas the Moon is developing your sensitivity and imagination. In your efforts to charm, you don't hesitate to show how original you can be, dear Mel. But underneath that eccentric exterior, people can tell there beats an honest heart that's looking for a stable relationship.  Professionally speaking, you’re not feeling too confident of yourself today, as the Lovers plant a seed of doubt into everything you undertake. Thankfully the Emperor, who sets the general ambiance, radiates an air of stability and reassurance. You therefore don’t need to worry, because with his benevolent influence, you can build your day on very solid foundations. Just forget about your anxieties and get on with things!

Formatting wires but really shouldn't put this off anymore. Just have things need to hunker down on. The block party last night was not too bad though don't like the idea of going to see what can get out of it when learning the ones not networked are going out to see what they can do for you. What they have to offer to others. 

Else not going to ponder about yesterday as spent enough time on it already. 

Was going to be more determined about reading but dang it again left it at home. Blame it on the heavy book. There's only so much that can tested and it's the luck of the draw. 

Oh speaking of book gotta drop off book. Think it's the auto correct that is screwing up or trying to figure out what I'm writing but I sapoae at this point should know what I'm writing without having to look too hard. Keeping eyes on the screen more to make sure this makes some reasonable sense.  Just trying to stay out of trouble at this point and taking this time to get own stuff done. 

Hmm

One year and day 2. Collecting on the goodwill or maybe it was just a matter of convient because it was easy to remember. Feel like I'm missing out or could be missing out like the ad on Facebook for pizza today. Only came across it once and if had not seen it then would have missed it. Won't be able to catch everything in this world. But what was odd today was pigeon toes pooing up suddenly. Could have been triggered by the house warming party assuming. Is up to something. Not sure what it is but something must have triggered it. Don't want to be just nice. Don't want to be thought of as nice. Like hussey saids better to be respected.

Not sure why the sudden issue. Ring brought up by pegion. Part wants to address but don't want to be distracted and want to focus on own things for now.