Endings and Beginings

I usually would end the day with this, but maybe starting and working on it throughout the day may help releif with what is going on with me. I just can't keep checking, the constant worry is not doing me much good. I haven't found too much that's too incriminating, but not like it has been squeaky clean either. Maybe it's for the better anyways. I really can not keep this up.

~Ignorance is Bliss?~
Once again, maybe it really is for the better. What I do not know, can it really hurt me? I do wonder at times. I want to reduce the amount of windows, it's all a constant reminder of things I have yet to do. I am just not in the right state to handle it now. Not even listening to a talk on disappointment helped much.

~Sickness~
I am starting to feel physically ill. I can feel my stomach churning. Just the thought of it makes me so sick to my stomach. I really feel as I want to do not care for I can not care. But with the whole marriage thing looming overhead, I do not know if I can move forward. I don't think everything can be solved before hand. As it's more or less an ongoing thing where you may just spend the rest of your little life working on. I do not know if this is something I can go through. It's not just one thing. It's more like a whole slue of issues and concerns... Hopefully it will be easier to deal with as time passes and answers will arrive soon. I still am wondering where that planner is. I found all the other ones, but what about the one I last used?? I still want to search for it. I really do hope I find it.

I wonder at times is it something I did to make things change. But I guess if something was meant to be kept from me, there's no way I would find out. So is ignornace really is bliss? Maybe it is until you find out. Maybe I am too controlling. I want too much. At the end of the day, realize it doesn't really matter much what reason on gives, I just do not trust. maybe because I myself are like so. But I do still want to push the blame and say you make me that way. If you were more honest, I wouldn't be this way.. I don't want to be this way. Maybe it's because of the impending union. Think if it wasn't a union this would be as big as an issue?

Daily Planetary Overview - With the Moon square Saturn and conjunct Pluto, tension and stress may be problematic for your health. Many of your plans will be put on hold by setbacks and delays. You'll may feel limited and frustrated by a lack of progress.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 9, 2010

Take your thoughts and share them with those who can help execute them today, Melly. If you have a trailer that needs to be moved, don't try to do it all by hand. Ask around for someone with a large truck who can hook it up to the back and cart it around to wherever it needs to go. You have the resources available to you, all you need to do is set the gears in motion.

February 9, 2010

Tarot reading for Melly:

Love: The World

Touchstone: Death

Career: The Hermit

It’s not a great day on the emotional front, Melly, and one might even think that, under the influence of Death and the World, you want to call a halt to a relationship that’s bringing you more pain than happiness. If your partner refuses to give you time to think, you’re tempted to tell them that it’s all over between you. In terms of your career, all signs suggest that you need to examine certain elements of your past trajectory… Death and the Hermit are asking you to consider what aspects of your job or of the way you do your job are no longer effective, and to find the necessary steps for bringing the situation to an end. Whether your working methods are tired, you’re using out of date materials, or you’re persisting with ineffectual partnerships, it’s up to you to work out what needs to change...

Overall it sounds pretty bad today, so all the reasons to try harder on this very day. I know I am falling, but hopefully I will not fall as far. I know the fall will seem far. But I will not realize how far it could have been.. Can things really be worse? I do not want to find out. I will find a way to make do with it. Sometimes things just seem too hard at times.

Don't Be Disapointed

~Meh~
Today was more or less sluggish. It could be because I got potty issues this day. Been here twice today. But at least it isn't too bad. It could always be worse. You know like the liquid stuff. But I guess I better get organized and get some tasks done.

~Stats~
It looks like 80% is the magic number. It seems to high. It's what I expected. This weekend was interesting. Changed the story again. I do not know what to believe. Is making this very difficult for me. I just find it hard to believe. First it was have not done it before, and then changed it to have done it, and then again to have not. Omg... how many times does it need to be changed? What are you trying to do to me? Why is it you make it so hard for me to trust you... I really want to, I really do, but why you do this to me? I don't know, I feel like I am wasting my time. I don't want to think about it now. A part of me wants to let it all go. But a part of it can not and longs for better.

Daily Planetary Overview
The Moon will be sextile Venus tonight. This aspect will make your social life active and you'll be surrounded with friends and good conversation. You may decide to take a short trip with someone close to you so you have time to talk.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 8, 2010

Have you been thinking about working towards a career as a writer or teacher? If you have, Melly, this is the day to get the ball rolling. Perhaps you need to just sit down and start writing, or perhaps you want to take some courses that could help to improve your skills. A number of communications from out of state or even from distant lands could come your way, from people with information that might change your life in some way.

Like yesterday and as of today, I really don't feel up to anything. More or less I get more depressed at the idea of all the things I have not done or could have done. I think I should more focus on myself and internally more than on the outside and on others. I think it's a way to keep myself from realizing and to advoid conflict with myself. It just seems so much easier to blame someone else for why you are unhappy.

Planning

So I try to plan around things. For some reason I knew this was something that wasn't going to happen. You know the granny bday dinner. But I don't think thought of the long term dire consequences. And especially how it could have an effect on me.

BS

All the BS. All the lies. I don't know how much of it I can take. I have been thinking of those kinds of things more of late. I don't know if I want any part of it. It makes me very tired to think that somehow makes me think that most of everything was based off lies... I do not know what I should do... I don't know if I want this anymore...

Miss with stingyness

I guess in general I should not wait. It's something I need to make into a pattern. If it's the right time, I should just go for it and not be so stingy. But there is still time. Hopefully there be other oppertunites to come. I pray for thee. If not, there's always the under plan. Though just for me, I would like to add a smudge more to it. But no matter. Things will be as they are.

~Field Trip~
Tomorrow is a field trip. I wonder if I should take pictures. But I do not know if it's something I want to remember or not.

~Scandalous~
I don't think there is ever a good time. Sometimes is just insane. But I am thinking maybe when on trip, I can be more sure. Especially in the afternoon, I know more likely it will be more safe.

Stamps

Daily Planetary Overview
With the Moon square Pluto and conjunct Saturn, life will be intense. You'll feel driven and ambitious. Under this influence, you may experience setbacks and feel frustration when things do not go your way. You will work until you are exhausted.

Your Horoscope - Today, Feb. 2, 2010

You have a keen mind and are thirsty for knowledge, Melly. A recent accomplishment may make you hungry for the next challenge. Consider looking to your hobbies for the next big thing in your life. It could be that the little side projects that you so enjoy working on could lead to a whole new field. You are especially suited to science and other research-oriented fields. Whatever you undertake, you are bound to be successful.

Tired

I am really tired, but there is so much to do. A part of me tries to reduce how much I spend, but then again is it really me spending it? Don't make things hard for yourself. I hate it when I push the buttons too many times and I end up erasing much too much. The grammys was fun today. Too bad I didn't get to watch too much of it. So about the shipping. Either way, I still end up paying for it. I need to remember to keep things simple for myself. Remember the monthly fee is waved so I should use it since usually I would be paying for it. So problem solved. So many things that needs to be done..

• Undies roses
• Buy salad
• Buy photo paper for binder
• Use stamps.com
• Zon books
• Put cloths away

So I just stopped by the post office. This morning I was thinking about some things that did not make me happy. For now I really can't be too bothered by it since as time passes, I feel myself feeling less. I am like just going through the motions. Friends perhaps. It seems to work ever so slightly better. Stopped by cub as well ad bought some discount tissue. Not like many people were buying it either, maybe it's not such a good deal as we anticipate. I still want to do what I can regardless. I am not sure if doing the postage thing is easier or not. But at least for this month, there's not much of a difference. Got to try to stay away from all things that are heavy. It makes things more complicated. But why should I be concerned? It's not my money after all.