Luck?

Sudden Pain

Had an some what insightful day.  But first, almost felt like I was going to do.  It was a sudden cold and hot and cold and sudden piercing pain running from my butt and down my leg to the point I had to sit down on the floor instantly if it wasn't so painful to get myself on the floor.  As dirty was the floor seemed, I needed to get down before I fell over.  Even tense moment was so painful. I seemed like it lasted for minutes, but sure it was only second.  I hoped and hoped it would fade soon before anyone saw me in tears of pain.  It soon faded without incident. It was a moment of one of the greatest relief of my life.  Don't think I have experienced such cold pain in my life.

Fairness

This past weekend been planning a trip to Chicago.  It's more business than pleasure and now even more business.  It has gotten more serious.  Convo of today went more like oh I don't ask for help because people will talk about how you needed help.  And my side went more like not many people do things without help.  Not many people do things alone.  Complain how no one help with you don't even ask for help.  You worry about how others will think of you when you should be thinking of yourself.  What your aunt and uncle think about you doesn't matter, they don't even know what their own mother that lives with them likes to eat.  That really shows what they know and care about.  Not saying I am any better, but I don't think they are much better.  Their opinion does not benefit you in any way. They won't help even when they can help, but you like your mom goes to help people anyways.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but when you don't get anything in return, how can you complain?  They can ask your for help and not return the favor to you because you feel obligated to do so for family sake.  But they don't see it the same way.  I can go on this rant forever.  Got to stick to your guns.  Help others if you can and if you want to, not because someone tells you that you should.  You do not need people around you that do not support you and push you down.  It's even okay if they do not support, but do not get in the way.  Do nothing and stand on the side is better than standing in your way.

Lucky Bunny?

You keep hearing preparation and opportunity = luck.  You think it's true?   With his story, I wonder would it be different if he had not so much money, would he still pay for the elderly couple hotel and ride?  Would he had been able to meet them in any other way?  Or was it his generosity that they saw?  Even if you had money, not sure how many people would pay for a strangers ride and stay.  Or did they just like that he stopped to help them?  Could be an opportunity to learn more, get some insight either way.  Mom did mention he was the risk taker type and do again the grain type.  Everyone told him not to buy a failing restaurant, but in 3 months turned it around.  I think hearing other people stories help to get me to think outside the box.  I don't want to be stuck hear forever.  A part of me is itching to get out.  Although a part of me feels safe hear.  Am not appreciated hear.

Where there be a point I look after myself first?

The More You Know

Said I wasn't going to look anything up.  But ran into it accidentally.  I think it's what I want, but I fund myself longing for the other one.  Maybe it's the angle of the image, but I do find this one rather plain. 

Looked up some things I maybe should not have.  Not sure what the point in knowing.  It seems unreachable.  Keep looking for a trick or something I'm lacking to either figure it out or to give up.  People tell you one thing and then another.  Not sure what to believe or to even think there is a right or one correct way to approach thing.

I think I should start reading again.  Not sure if all them self help books help or just out to make money.  It's like Doc Phill telling people what they already know but in a book form.  People are so different.  Situations are so unique.  How can one set a rule or a path that can lead everyone to the same place? Maybe I should just stick with my gut for now until I can find a better approach that works for me.  

HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

I find myself wanting to share or aka gossip about things.  Not sure how this will bring gratification to self by putting down others or self.  Some things are maybe better not said.  Been thinking of changing and transforming myself.  Start with slight changes like how I care for my teeth and dry my hair.  Small efforts hear and there so get the ball rolling.  Not sure how long it will take, but got to do something.  I want to work on my image and not just for what others think of me, but what I think of me.  So I think that's what prompted the whole watch thing.  Not necessarily a vanity thing, but transforming how I see myself and I want others to see me.  We tend to define yourself of what others say about us.  At the same time you don't need anyone permission to feel a certain way about our self.  I find myself asking for permission in getting a watch, getting a job and not doing things for myself anymore.  It because more about pleasing others or asking permission to be yourself, to get approval.  I will keep looking.

What have I done today?  I have completed a few things, not a lot, but a few at least.  Need to plan a few more things.  Hopefully the weekend will not be a total lost.  Being on the computer really makes me tired.  Not like I don't spend enough time on the computer during the day.  Lots of changes ahead.  Not sure where the road will lead to.  Hopefully will check back hear more often to keep updated.  Recently lots of changes at work and all around.  No one knows if it's for better or worse.  Change has always been scary for me.  But it's something that can't be stopped or avoided.  Something we all got to face.  Like job change and moving out.  Can't really realistically expect it to always be the same.  I like her hair in the video and make up, so kerrigan.  . 

So Lovely

Maybe a chrono version of that one would be best.  I shall keep looking.  The issue I guess is that I do not know what I want.  Brand vs color vs cost vs use us coolness.  Really no idea, guess can be happy with any.  Maybe I do need to look for a purple one with numbers.  Oh well, it's just more research.  It's sure nice.  I already have one in theory.  I also don't need one, but I think I would be okay with anything.  I like them all, the picts online really don't do them justice. 

So lately I have been worried about a shift in duties.  Not sure if I will understand it or even enjoy it.  I don't like begin stuck on a problem.  I worry even more even if I ask someone, still don't understand and still stuck and the realization that you are just stupid.  No one can explain it to you so you can understand because you just understand.  I have been trying to look the part.  Trying to make myself believe in it first.  Think that's half the battle. 

Breaking Point

Been having a few moments of discomfort.  Like being pinged by small needles, so how much of it you can take before you move.  I don't know if I have made it to that point yet.  Maybe this whole blog this isn't such a bad idea.  Just keeping it incognito.  I want to some extend to work on one thing at a time.  The whole house thing is really throwing a kink in things.  I feel itchy like always getting bitten by bugs sucking the life out of me.  DO I move or slap it?  No one seems to be on the same page on the house.  I want to just throw the while book in the fire.  Always saying you young people don't know anything and how you think everything is so easy.  I just want to do something about it.  I don't have a lot of time now.  I just need to do what I can.  Always looking for where my next meal may come from.  At least I got some idea buzzing around with selling grass among other things.  Lets not dwell on the things that bother you and do the things you want to for a moment....

I left my lime green post it note at work this time.  I was going to say again, but it's a different place this time.  See if I remember it tomorrow.  Sitting and typing is such a pain.  There has to be a better way to do this.  It's just not working.  I like my layout, but at the same time I want to change the image and keep the words.  I itch, yet see nothing.  Wonder if they are ghost blood suckers?