Worries

"The thing to remember is that you should be one hundred percent yourself. People will react to you the way they need to. Don't worry about their feelings - they are not your responsibility."

It has been a week since the feels has gone away. It just suddenly was gone over time. There was some pain, but it was very temporary. I feel as if I lost much feeling. Many of the songs I once adored I do not care for anymore. Sia, Gaga even, but I still have a spot for Mercy. I even found myself clearing some of my song list of anything that doesn't move me any longer. On Friday, it really settled in place. It was the smell, the idea of still reading news papers, really started to sink in.

 I have new worries now, worries that I am not picking up things fast enough or figuring things out fast enough, getting hung up on things, asking for help, not getting enough done, not knowing what to do, discovering who you really are and not liking it. Who to be, what to be. I feel as though I am being too concerned how others are feeling, like I'm bothering them. Who am I? What am I?

I have been dwelling and dreading the marketing essay, but it's done now. It wasn't as bad as I imagined and them I imagined it wouldn't be that bad. Although I think I could of had a little more fun. Who knows, maybe the grade will be bad. I'm not hoping for too much at this point. But I think I spent a little too much time on the simulation. But I didn't want to give up on it. I thought I had done enough but it kept pulling me back to do better. I feel as though I spent too much time on it. But I did end up getting the better score I wanted a 69. I was hopping for a 70 but close enough. I did feel I was getting a better feel for it so I kept trying. If only the same thing applied to other aspects.

As I sit there at 1:30am. I know a part of me is tired. I wondered where I would ever find the energy for anything. I wasn't really tired on the paper, but was task driven. The idea of the stubborn tasks for tomorrow  upsets me when there is no progress. Not being able to check the items off the list. Hopefully tomorrow will not be as bad as I imagine. Get support of you have to.

"The thing to remember is that you should be one hundred percent yourself. People will react to you the way they need to. Don't worry about their feelings - they are not your responsibility."

Mercy

Ratty

Have mercy on my soul - Over time the shows you once loved are coming to an end like Vampire Diaries. Think I'm feeling a wee bit down today because it seems like many things many things are ending. It has been a week. IT could be the timing of it all and the combination of the distance. Before I wasn't sure how I was going to get over it as it was all consuming. Now I feel as though I have made some peace with it. It will come and go just like the ones in the past. This one maybe a wee bit different due to the interaction, but I must not forget this feeling of emptiness. I must fill the void myself. Try something new, have something else to look forward to. Plan and put aside time for yourself. Not even the songs I once loved seems to ease the pain anymore. The only one that still works Shawn Mendes. The only one at the moment that feels my pain. No more fluttering. Just the pain I put myself through. I need to be set free of this all consuming. Please set me free. Please have mercy on my heart as you are tearing me apart. I can't go through it again. Don't fail me now. I have played out all the nonsence in my head and it's no longer my muse. It just leaves me empty. Nothing wrong to have something to look forward to or a muse, but not when it's all consuming. It's like a drug. Couldn't get anything done, it was holding me back. But no longer you turd. 

Should I be investing in some better sound? This works for now. I'm a troubled soul. As I'm preparing the article for tomorrow, I got the feeling that I have been here before. Again like I read all this before and gone through this before. I don't want to say I have given up, but it just doesn't seem as critical anymore at this point. I feel as though I just want to get it done. Not sure what silky chick want tomorrow, but I better prepare for it after the first meet. May ask what I changed. Just have copies of it all.

Krsnik

It has been a long time, an old friend. Accidentally edited the last post and lost the original date. Been more than 2 years and here I am again. So much has changed and yet the same. I'm not sure what brought me back here today. Not sure I ran back into Trinity Blood and next thing you know is here I am. Am I losing focus or losing myself?  I'm not even sure what I am anymore. I have been in my head a lot and I'm not sure how to separate what is real or what is my mind or if it's something I want to make real. So many thoughts running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel.

Maybe I have been working on this for so long that it's getting to become so routine. Wondering who is going to leave next. So lets cut to the chase, what really brought me here. As in the last few weeks I think about what has happened before. The only difference is this one feeds on to the obsession due to the interaction. It confuses me, but yet I know there is nothing. It's kind of my MO. I'm not even sure if that's how you spell or say that one. Too much tv, too much screen time. I try to drown it out with music, but I don't think it's helping, it's clouding my mind. I don't know if I have it in me to do it for myself or others even. How far will I go and what am I will to do to look a certain way? Kinda sliced open fingie in an attempt to clear out what bothers me. There's a chance it could have made it worse, but it's a change I will take. I try to refocus my attention to another, but it's only temporary. So lets try myself again. I did it once where it was all about me when I hit rock bottom. Lets not try for another bottom.
 ------ to be cont....-----
Well it just reminded me maybe why I gravitate to. I suppose it's strictly professional. Can you be upset over something you choose?

AHHHH

The Lovers, in defiance of their name, work with the Fool to mark this out as a day of confusion on the emotional front. Far from taking the bull by the horns, mel, you’d rather run away at the speed of light, than face a discussion or confrontation. It’s not the day to resolve a dilemma or make a constructive decision. But don’t let others make the choices for you – you might live to regret it… At work, you’re torn between conflicting influences. On the one hand, the World opens doors, fills you with ambition and puts you in a position to rise to challenges. But on the other, the Lovers make you hesitant. They fill you with doubts about yourself, about the future, and about your ability to do what’s required of you. Don’t let them discourage you!

Shiet People

1. Get rid of shit people. Don’t ever try and make people like you and if a friend makes you feel like crap, they are not your friend. It took me till I was thirty to let go of the last one of these. Fuck them right off.
2. Don’t spend any time doing a job you hate. You will be surprised about how resourceful you can be when you put your mind to it. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking its completely normal to be vaguely dissatisfied with our life because everyone else is. Please aim to break that mould.
3. The solution is often Red Wine, Bread and Cheese. Yes, they all deserve capital letters.
4. Our economy is built to make you buy shit you don’t need with money you don’t have. Ignore it. You don’t need any new clothes and you don’t need any new shit. Spent it on experiences, whether that’s socialising with friends or saving for a trip away. Use your money wisely.
5. Drinking a lot of water does make you feel better and it’s free.
6. If you need help, ask. Worst reply is no and you will be exactly where you already anyway.
7. Don’t be in a relationship for company. Don’t be with somebody if you don’t love him or her. Don’t stay with someone because they are a ‘nice person’, Don’t settle. It shows lack of faith in yourself and what you deserve. Trust me, you deserve the best. Your soul mate deserves to meet you. Allow that opportunity to happen.
8. Don’t neglect real friendship. I am totally and utterly head over heels in love with all my friends. Remind them how great they are, don’t forget to check in and spend as much time with them as you can.
9. Travel, travel, travel. Not all those that wander are lost.
10. Make sure, everyday you take action towards your dreams, however big or small. Don’t Stop. Keep Going. Be Strong.

Thank you x

 ‘Even death should not be feared by one who has lived wisely’ Buddha

Nagging Decisions

You spend so much time on a choice that may not be available to you.  Convincing yourself that it is the best choice when it's not even an option. Let's not waste time on this and set forth in a new path.

Such lies

I maybe believe it to make myself feel better.  But its not true. Maybe its easier to turn a blind eye. Maybe its more like who can take and dish up bs better. They are just full of it. Who is more full? Just mind myself like theyball do. Focus on yourself as only you can take care of you.