Work

Been feeling lost at work at the new position. Knew it was going to end up like this. I need to ask.  I need answers.  Even if it bothers others.  I want to organize my notes more, but don't want to spend time at home doing it.  Think can be done within an hour or so.  Just need to gather the thoughts.  Got a feeling should do it now, but head hurts.  Can I get myself up earlier?  Got to make do with what you got. I will make it work.  Will have tough days.  Got to keep working through it.  I still don't know what I am doing.  Do not waste time thinking of nothing. Just ask someone no matter what they think. Not sure if I will ever understand this.  Just make the notes you need.  Sleep on it for now.  Start a new section.  Not worry about waste.  Just make it work the best way you know how to. 

Discontent

So it finally came.  One less thing to slightly to worry about.  Been a rough week. Better if less is said. Words do more damage at times.  Sometimes silence is really golden.  So much dissatisfied people.  It's like everything that comes out of your mouth is about some discontent.  What is truly excellence?  Is it all your achievements?  It is material excellence?  Why we have to meet all these goals that others put on you?  The more I ask, the more questions I have.  Is it good enough?  Why we can not settle for good enough.  We always have to try to be better.  Always have to be chasing something better.

We can never know another person, so how can we judge? Never mind what we or others have done previously. "There is no such thing as a criminal, only a person who once committed a crime" [Ajahh Brahm]. 

All that matters is what we do now, how we show kindness, compassion and forgiveness to ourself and others.

Feeling is not a problem. What we experience is not a problem. Holding on to it is the problem; that is suffering. Letting go is the end of suffering.

You don't always have to be the best. Don't let how others feel or what they think affect you.  People have their own intentions and are always tiring to push their own agenda.  Others want to control you.  And other don't want to to succeed as your success will make them look bad.  We are resentful of others.  Look down on others failures and despise others success. Do not let other change your path.  You will never make them happy if they can not be happy with themselves.  You are who you are.  Can not impose yourself on others. 

Nothing

Sill nothing and over a day late... I try to find comfort and calm and to find a reason, but I can't bring myself to believe it. Why is this happening to me?  It has been way too comfortable. I really need this, why you are doing this to me?  I don't know what to make of it.  I will starve it if I have to.  I don't want this and will not hesitate.  But what are the odds?  It has been less than before by so much.  Have tried to be so careful and yet this happens. I can't deal with this.  I don't know if cancer or a baby is worse.  I can't bring myself to accept such things.  Please please please I really need this to happen.  I really can't take this.  What do you want from me?  What do you want me to do? All we do is butt heads.  Always find something to pick on.  It's like a blood sucking mosquito annoying pestering little bug.  I don't know how long I can do this.  Apatite too well, worries me. Please may  have the answer I am looking for.

Control

 Shouldn't feel the need to, but recently been feeling the need to control.  Maybe it's resentment from others controlling me.  Don't like being told what to do.  Don't like how others think they know what is best for me.  What I should do, what I should be doing, how things should be done.  Apparently I don't know what I am doing.  I would just screw things up. Hard to let things go when everyone is always telling you what to do.  One can only take so much. Doing what pleases people other than what's right.  Give people trust and encouragement and respect and people will live up to it?  But who will give that to me if everyone is always telling me what to do and treat me like a child?  Control and Fear. Fear of mistakes. Freedom to be miserable and to be depressed? So many expectations and aspirations.  You control so much, can't always push through it.  So many frustrations.  Things get tough.  Things you can't change or control.  Don't want a programed life, but what about the things you want to do? Without desire, feel as though life has no direction. To not control is to not care?  How to not plan and not control and yet show care? I don't want other peoples thoughts and opinions to affect me. They have had enough impact.  They have prevented me from making an offer on  car just because I knew they would think it's too old. I want to be on my own for awhile.Just disconnecting from things for a bit.  Not lets others tell me what to do and also not telling others what to do.  They are old enough to know what they are doing weather I agree with it or not. Be free to live the way you want to.  I am done waiting for permission for others to eat, take me out, permission to get something, or if it's a good idea.  I will decide things on my own.