Wondering

Dearly Beloved:

I wonder what other people are thinking.

You are my twist of fate. I want to be there for you, if I could make you happy, I would give anything. It hurts so much, I wish for the pain to go away, will you end it for me please? Will you take my heart away or kill me? I hate you so.

Do I really? Who knows. I wish thing were simple how they use to be. At some time we all grow up in this complicated world and it shapes us to who we are today. But we learn how to deal with things and learn not to let our emotions control us. Sometimes I just feel like losing it all, just let my feelings be free, but I know it's so dangerious to let that happen. I want to protect them, but I know I can't protect them forever. They are like my own childern watching them grow up, feeling what my heart feels, letting my geart out if like letting your own childern out in the world to experience things one has not felt yet. But it's so hard to let go and just to stand by and watch. But you know it's good for them, what doesn't kill them only makes them stronger and some things you have to experience yourself. It's not something you can teach as painful as it maybe to go through.

I just want to take care of everyone, my friends, my family, and everyone that I care about. How to be a good friend? Hmm I need to think about that one for awhile. I try so hard, but it doesn't seem to be worth anything. Can someone tell me what I should do?... I feel so lost right now.. I don't want to mess up again, I am so scared to screw things up again..

I may not be able to open myself up to anyone right now or even for awhile. Hopefully, maybe one day, I be able to again, I hope, and I hope that day comes soon. For now I just need to take care of myself the best I can.

A Friend

It's so late now, I should be sleeping, but the heat is out and it's a wee bit cold to sleep. I got this idea from a friend to start a blog so lets talk about him then ^^ I hope to be able to stay in contact with him. I feel so helpless having no control, I really don't like this feeling having no control in ur life.

I was trying to talk to a friend today. He's like a different person, like I don't even know him anymore. I know he's a good person and I know he has is own prive life. Guess he's not as open as me now ^^ I do enjoy talking to him, he's a good person and can be a good friend. But I guess he doesn't even have time for a friend anymore. I don't want to lose a friend, but I don't know how to keep a friend that doesn't talk or I don't know... Maybe this friendship isn't meant to last. If it doesn't then it doesn't, I will still try to keep him in my life even if I am not in his. I will still try to share a part of my life with him. I do want to know more about him, but what can I do to encourage him except to be patient and just always be there for him. It's the best I can do as a friend, I do hope he appreciates it to at least I he has someone to talk to if he every needs someone to talk to. He just seems so distant. I really do want to see him be happy, but whatever I say comes out worng and it upsets him. Maybe he just doesn't understand me. I really do mean well even though my actions may not always result in that. he doesn't seem to want to tell me anything. The most he talked about was a storm. Sure I'm interested in what he has to say. I just want to be able to talk to him like everyone else. To laugh, have fun, tease each other, and share thoughts and feelings.

It's hard to be a friend to someone when that person doesn't want to be a friend or have time for u to be a part of your life.

I care about him because how the time I known him for and he's a good friend. At least we was. It's funny it takes so long to build a good friendship, years even to build trust and dependability, and overnight it all can be taken down.

I think he still wants to be friends, just don't have the time or the interest now. Maybe if I be patient and give him time. But I'm afraid if too much time and distance, I would lose contact with a good friend.

What's a girl to do?

You believe in fate and destiny? Some people and it and some people don't? All sorts of people come in and out of ur life and some people stay in ur life while others don't. Why is that? The people you want to stay leave and the ones maybe are a little more bother some ^^ are around. How does that work?

I know I think too much and I worry too much as well. Maybe one day he'll know there's someone that misses him that happy goofy boy he is, cares for him, wants him to be happy, and wishes him the best of luck and to help him in any way. I will always love him like my own brother. Seems like no matter how mean he is to me, or what he saids to me, I just can't be mad at him. Why is that? maybe it is unconditional love, like no matter what my bother does, no matter how much he pisses me off, I still care and love him. Maybe it's the same way with him now and he dun know it. Or maybe I just understand him.

So many other things going on and I can just go on and on, but it's late. I just hope he can talk to me more one day eventually.

It's so hard to care for someone. Maybe I should just let him talk to me then. But I don't want him to think I don't want to talk to him because I am not saying anything. But I think he knows I do like to talk to him. he just doesn't have time for me. But I always want to say more. It's just something I'll have to learn.