The Musk

I wasn't sure what to think about the scent. I think I like it, but do I really? Or an I trying to not to like it? Or I don't like it but finding a reason to like it? If there was any kind of confusion, I think I got the answer laud and clear. It's a definite no. Apparently someone doesn't air out their car. Or it's just how it is. 

Control

Last week was a little too blissful with the gossip and ice cream. You feel like you are apart of something for a moment. But it never lasts. And for most cases this is just a passing moment to be forgotten and that's why it seems that Time goes by so quickly.

I feel like I am holding on to too much. Throwing things away makes me feel better and to have the control over things and not let it stay because it's making me feel bad. To take back control and decide that you don't need it and not to be burdened by an item. It's hard though. You feel like this is the best you will be able to get and if you toss this, you will not have another. But can I live without it? It's like when I went through the pants. I only tossed one and was mainly unhappy with the rest of them but worried I may not have enough and just settled. Being uncomfortable in small cloths and hopping I will grow into bigger ones. I'm an adult now and I am done growing. Why can't I have cloths that fit well. Why I have to settle for less than what I desire.

It's all ties to how I see myself and how I got about things on achievements and settling in life. I don't desire.  I will make do with things and how it will turn out or for the little effort the small result don't go wasted. But at the same time I don't know if things I desire it's truly what I want or what others think I should want. I don't want to follow blindly like a sheep. I have mements I want to start over.

How about working on things you want and would make yourself happy. I'm still not that is really. Been trying to be what others want and does what they want from me is what I want for myself. I'm just still not sure. I'm still trying to find it yet I am afraid of the answer. But even when you do find it, then what? It seems like we are all in such a hurry to the end. Like there was not much point in playing the game when you have collected all the armor pieces. It was nice and a sense of achievement for awhile but then you lost the sense of purpose and the thought of starting a new one was too daunting.

Let's use what you got. Use the makeups and cloths  you been saving for that moment when you feel like you have a real job that is worth wearing. Project the image you want the world to see and be who you want to be. If you are not totally happy with something, let it go so you can maybe move on to something better. Given it may not be better but you like to try new things for the sake of the experience. To say you have been there and done that. Build the body you want not be what they think you should be. Be bold be fearless take no hostages make no mistake and make. No apologies. It will be hard to break out of old habits but I'm starting to feel suffocated by my things. They control me by how they make me feel with guilt. I don't want to live that way anymore. I can't do much about your things so let's work on mine. Take responsibility for my own crap that I can control. Though you may try to influence what I should or should not do with them. You got your own crap to deal with to be looking at mine. Mind my own crap.

And as for you my muse. So many over the years have come and gone. This one maybe a wee bit for difficult since you are around more and have more interaction than with any of the past ones that have been in passing. I'll try to focus on the above and not let you so much affect my decisions. I haven't decided yet work wise what I want to do or the direction I want to head. For a moment I was lost in it. Was mesmerized by you. But that's what muses do and sirens. I'm more tired of it now. Hope it will run its course. There maybe multiple rounds but a beginning and end. Time to breath in between and hopefully they don't last too long. It's not always what you think but it's still fun. But don't let it seep into reality. It's never as fun so why let it end.

This really is the road to hell. Sometimes I think I already there.

Temptation And Bricks

Makeups. So close to biting a bunch of makeups that I didn't really need last night. Sure was hard to resist such a good price. But I did. Partly thanks to not being able to log into PayPal and find but not using a discount.

If I just let go I be set free. Bricks.

Today was rough because of the bricks. The last week has been rough because of the bricks I collect. I feel like I should work on it after hours but I should just really deal with them and dwell less on them. There are times I think I don't ponder enough and just ask someone when if I took the time to look more closely, I may have been able to figure it out. So I hesatate to act too quickly.

Last week consisted

It is difficult to maintain a light, happy-go-lucky feeling when you've got a large ton of bricks on your back, Mel. Perhaps you have slowly accumulated those bricks over time. Each time you repress something that should be expressed, another brick is loaded on, making it more difficult for you to maintain a carefree attitude. Suddenly you are faced with the truth, and you can no longer move forward with all those bricks on your back. It's time to deal with the pain and shed the unwanted weight.

Another sign:   Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces 

Really Really

Still into really really just like how I am still into you. But I try to find ways to distract myself. Focus on my work and not let you get away with it. Today you were really cold. I'm not sure why and as much as I would like to know why. I find myself holding back and not digging for the answer if it's not freely given. Don't want to force anyone or have any unwilling participants. You would not like the answer anyways. Just being professional. Or at least trying to be more serious and not personable. It's frowned apon even at the big four and they know what they are doing and looking for. Lulu being worried about not being able to be promoted got me thinking of my own approach with my peers and manager. Who and what are they looking to promote. Is being friendly with everyone not professional enough? 

Belive in the Pain

First things first
I'mma say all the words inside my head
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh-ooh
The way that things have been, oh-ooh

Second thing second
Don't you tell me what you think that I can be
I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh-ooh
The master of my sea, oh-ooh

I was broken from a young age
Taking my soul into the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me
Took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heart ache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the...

Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Pain!
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
Pain!
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from...
Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you've heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh-ooh
Your spirit up above, oh-ooh

I was choking in the crowd
Living my brain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like...

Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Pain!
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
Pain!
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from...
Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh-ooh
The blood in my veins, oh-ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like...

Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Pain!
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
Pain!
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from...
Pain!
You made me a, you made me a believer

 So I come across this song last week and it really spoke to me. Though I meant to write this sooner. It's hard to find time alone. Maybe it's time to fine your own place. The idea of chon goon closing is really starting to settle on. The idea of always being in my own head and trying to not be in it so much and just saying what's on your mind. The pain of feeling you really can't say what is on your mind. The frustration. Tired of how things have been. Being the master of my own sea. Being broken for a long time. Only believing in the pain. To be broken down and built back up.

Am I still getting over it? There are moments that you are still crossing my mind. but then again like on Friday I was reminded of the smell. It wasn't pleasant though I want to say in my mind I was trying to make the best of it.  I wonder if I don't have specifics will I know what I am talking about? I don't even know if I will go look back. It's more of a moment thing. I looked at at some written material 5 pr 6 years back and I sort of have an idea what was going on. So much has happened that blends into one day into another. I'm trying to find major events to pick out of the days and years but in a way it all seems like nothing has happened or anything really worth recalling. But indeed the time did exist, though it may not be so memorable and each day seems like another.

I don't think this song will stick though. It driven by some feelings, but will it be enough to get me through this?  I'm really anxious. It has really been eating away at me I would say for the past 3 weeks. It's about the same time I really starting to get back writing. Not sure if it will help this time, but I got me some time in school in the hall community lab. Not like I can do any of this at work, but there is always the phone. I know when this happens I start t get back to checking my scope and get back to all these habits that has gotten me through these times. In times of bout.

I don't this this would last either, but I want to end on a more positive note. A new group, but like that n'ueste group, not the best singers, but they are cute and the backup dancers are sure pretty. Catchy, lets see how long this one lasts.

Unrequited

was doing research before in the past weeks and I thought I found what described what I was feeling. I was so sure. I was so certain. But then I came accross another word unrequited and further searching I found to fit what I was going through better not only how I felt but also the dialogue that went on in my head. You are not alone. In absence that I am not special on how I feel or think. Not unique. Back to reality. The highs and lows. Are they worth it? Are they enough to motivate you to be better? Or is it leading you down the wrong path. How to know which direction I should go? How to be better? Our zoo by BBC was pretty good. Really can't go wrong with animals.

Trying to figure out what to do. what to do first. How to do it? Who to ask? What's the worst response you could get? You already got it on Friday. Basically telling you off to figure it out on your own. I found videos some can be good but not to the point fast enough. I worry I won't figure it out fast enough. Should I work on all of it or focus on one topic at a time? Not sure yet but I want to spend time during the day trying to figure out out. See what you can ask about the forms and let know if you run into issues.

Tried to change hair color but it didn't turn out as expected. Not sure why wanted the change. Is it even what I wanted or trying for attention? The color is mot bad but see how it styles before I decide. It's darker like my heart. 

We get what we deserve

The Lovers, in defiance of their name, work with the Fool to mark this out as a day of confusion on the emotional front. Far from taking the bull by the horns, Mel, you’d rather run away at the speed of light, than face a discussion or confrontation. It’s not the day to resolve a dilemma or make a constructive decision. But don’t let others make the choices for you – you might live to regret it…  At work, you’re torn between conflicting influences. On the one hand, the World opens doors, fills you with ambition and puts you in a position to rise to challenges. But on the other, the Lovers make you hesitant. They fill you with doubts about yourself, about the future, and about your ability to do what’s required of you. Don’t let them discourage you!

Rough day. Tomorrow seems rough as well. Been running in my head again. I ask you to not be nice to me. To please leave me alone. Please leave me be. It's hard on me. Trying to be a good hamster on the wheel. Just when I think I have kicked the habit you come back around. Then in a flutter I am without again and disappointed. Bitter disappointment. Is it worth it the highs and lows? Haven't felt this way since the first job. But even the first job it wasn't like this. More like college. First discovering Big Bang rain and bts. You wait and wait and nothing. Can only depend on yourself. Invest in yourself. Not sure how but I will figure it out. Will invest in others to invest in myself. Not sure where I am going or where it will lead me. Find what you like to do and spend time on it and get going is at it. I may not know what I am doing. Keep goI got through the motions until it becomes a part of you. Don't worry too much where it will lead you. Even though you may think you know where you are going or where you want to be. There maybe another path not consider less taken yet to be discovered.

This really does seem like the road to hell. Seeking the dark side of the moon. Reminds me of escaflowne. So much joy pain disappointment anticipation bitterness resentment. You won't like what you see. Reality never lives up to expectations. Not sure what to do about it. Just have to fill my heart and mind with other things leaving no room or time. You are not my friend. You are someone to keep at bay. Don't let them in don't let your guard down.